Devilla
My room was empty when I arrived back at the tower. Something I found momentarily surprising, though perhaps I shouldn't have - Abigail had no reason to believe I'd be coming back so early, after all. Without even Bailey to look after, she was likely resting at home, or even out enjoying herself.
In the end, I suppose her absence meant little to my plans. I didn't precisely need a guide to reach the kitchens, after all - though I certainly would have appreciated the company, had she been present. Even that was only my own selfishness speaking, though. Surely Abigail had better things to do with her mornings than showing me around my own home.
At least, that was my thought process when I started my journey to the royal kitchens. Fifteen minutes later, I realized I had forgotten something rather important - namely that the individual floors of Dimona Tower were large enough to contain a small city, such as the one Abigail lived in, and I had one to
myself.
I had no idea where I was, and I couldn't ask anyone either. I hadn't seen another living soul since somewhere around the eight minute mark. So far as I could tell, far from finding the kitchens, I'd wandered into a part of the floor that wasn't even in use!
I was about to give up and backtrack my way towards actually occupied space when my eyes finally caught sight of something familiar - a dark wooden door, trimmed by gold. One that looked nearly identical to the one outside my own room. As it should, considering the ornamentation around my door had been painted to mimic it in the days before my coronation...
It was the room the Demon Princess normally moved to after becoming Queen. A room I had not only avoided, but declared off limits, with a penalty for no less than a week in our dungeons for anyone caught near it. A room I rarely thought about, these days - though, once upon a time, I'd come there quite often. Even after all these years, one could list it among the locations I was most intimately familiar with. Perhaps that was why my feet saw fit to lead me there in my directionless wandering.
I stared at the handle for a long moment, considering whether I wished to open it or not. To see the bed, so neatly made since my last time bouncing upon it. The pillow where I'd once placed a stuffed rabbit, so that I would have something to look at as I talked about my day. The closet, full of clothes I'd never wear, and the dresser, filled with items I used to gawk at and wonder about.
Then I turned around and walked away. There was no way I could face my mother's memory, in light of everything that I had done. Everything I had become... There was simply no way.
"Devilla?"
I paused at the sound of a familiar voice, paired with footsteps running down the hallway.
"Devilla!" Abigail repeated, a relieved smile on her face when she spotted me. I wondered how she could possibly look so happy to see me. "I thought I might find you here. Bellasy said she saw you heading towards the restricted area, and this is basically the only thing down here I... know about... Are you okay?"
"Does it matter?" My voice sounded cold, even to my own ears. I wanted to reprimand myself for it - to shake myself awake, and remind myself that Abigail was one of the only people who'd put up with me, who actually
cared.
I should be careful not to drive her off. I should treat her with the warmth she deserved. And yet the apology I wished to utter refused to come from my lips. I just stared at her.
"Of course it matters!" she replied, narrowing her eyes at me. "You're my friend."
"Why?" I heard myself asking. "We both know I don't deserve it."
"Not this again..." she rightfully complained. "I thought you were doing better!"
"So did I. But doing better doesn't mean that
I'm
better. We both know that. We both know I don't... I don't deserve..." Ah. There were tears coming down my cheeks again.
"Devilla," Abigail whispered before running towards me.
"Don't," I whispered. "I don't-"
Abigail's hand was on my lips before I could finish, her pitch black eyes drilling into mine. "Don't you dare say you don't deserve it.
I'm
the only one who gets to decide who deserves my affection, alright?"
I nodded, faintly, as more tears flowed down my cheeks. They were striking against Abigail's hand, now, but she didn't seem to mind them.
"Now tell me what's wrong," she said, taking her hand away from my lips so that she could place it, and its pair, upon her hips. "Why the hell are you back to trying to argue down your worth? I thought you were at least starting to accept the whole 'people care about you' thing."
"Because I'm a disappointment," I replied. "Because it's all I can be. All I've ever been. I disappointed the Generals, who needed my help to keep things running. I disappointed my people, who needed me to make them feel like the sacrifices they'd made had worth. And I disappointed my mother, who gave up her life to keep our people safe. Or at least, I would have, had she lived long enough to see everything I'd done."
"You..." Abigail jammed her finger into my chest. "Big boobed
bimbo.
You're literally trying to end the war here! That's more than any Demon Queen before you has ever done! And you're talking about being a disappointment? Why? Because a bunch of idiots who couldn't even be bothered to raise you right expressed dissatisfaction when you stopped doing everything the way they said? Because people like to grumble about the fact that you haven't already saved them? Because you spent your entire life sitting around waiting to
sacrifice yourself
for everyone else until I kicked you into gear? Who the hell called you a disappointment?! I'll kick their ass! Even if it was you -
especially
if it was you!"
"I..." I laughed, much to my own surprise. "You... How is kicking me the answer to