Cost Of Loyalty

© 2009 All rights reserved

Author's note: This was a story I wrote ages ago and recently found again. I thought, what the heck. :) Votes and feedback welcome.

*

Damian relaxed slightly but couldn't shake the feeling of trepidation as he and his angel flew down the empty highway. Thoughts of his angel elicited a genuine smile. She wasn't an angel, of course, any more than he was.

She could have been

, he thought, a little guiltily.

She should have been

. She had given it up to come with him, and he'd never quite been able to make sense of it.

Mile after long mile lay before and behind them. On their twin motorcycles, cobbled together from spare parts, they rode aimlessly. Damian loved the motorcycles; they represented something very important to him. He and Selina had worked together to build them, because she had refused to believe that the fight was over. Initially depressed, Damian had been ready to surrender to everything and anything that came across their paths. Selina had said no. Purgatory it might be, but hope must never be lost. Or else it was no longer Purgatory but Hell.

Building the bikes, they had talked. About each other, about their pasts, about whatever hopes and dreams they may have had. Damian had confessed his hatred of his alcoholic parents who had cared more for their booze than for him and his sisters. He told Selina about being locked out of the house so they couldn't disturb his mother while she snored in front of her soap operas.

Determined not to be beaten, he had gone to the neighbors for food for himself and May and Elisa innumerable times. When there was no other choice, he stole. The scar on his right temple was the result of a fight between Damian and a much larger boy when the former was about thirteen. Damian, incensed by the boy's insults to his sisters, had launched himself upon him. After flinging his attacker off, the boy had pulled out a small knife. Some teachers had finally separated them, but not before Damian had given the boy two black eyes and received a gash himself.

That, Damian told her, had taught him that loyalty was the only quality worth anything in the world, and that it was hard to come by. No one had joined him in that fight, not one of those who claimed to be a friend. None had offered an apology, or even an explanation. In the few years following the encounter, Damian had demanded loyalty from his acquaintances, and offered it. The one person who had truly understood him was Jim. Or had he? Were it not for Jim, he and Selina might not be here now. She might have her wings.

x-x-x-x

Selina watched Damian as he rode in front of her, his broad shoulders visibly tense. She drank in his form as he sat with back straight, his long legs comfortably braced against the footrests. No doubt, his piercing gray eyes were fixed on the horizon. The wind pushed his dark brown hair back from his face, exposing the slightly tan, angular face. They didn't wear helmets; what was the point?

Looking around, Selina noted that the flat, barren landscape had a stark beauty all of its own. The few trees they saw were bare of leaves. Patches of grass invaded the stony ground here and there. There were no animals. It was haunting. It inspired awe, but not any sense of happiness. And would either of them ever be happy? She wondered. She considered herself happy because she was with Damian, but was there more? What would it be like to be together on their own, instead of feeling all the time that they were being watched?

She brought her attention back to the road. Damian had slowed and hit the blinker. Selina turned hers on and flashed her headlight so that he would know she had seen his change of direction.

Catching the light, Damian realized that he had not expected the confirmation. He had assumed that she would follow him. Had she not responded, and had something happened to her, he would not have noticed until it was much too late. It wasn't right, he thought to himself, that he should take her for granted like that. She had proven herself an unexpected ally and later a true friend. For all that and more, he loved her. He would tell her so when they stopped, if only to remind himself.

They found a secluded area at the foot of a mountain, not far from the road. Unpacking the gear they had managed to scavenge on their travels, they set up a small tent and sleeping bags and a couple of blankets. Inside, they both sat on the sleeping bags and began to shuck off layers of clothing. Purgatory was an odd place, with extremes of hot and cold, and all the temperatures in between. Damian quickly shed his jacket and reached to help Selina with hers.

"What brought on this act of chivalry?" Selina asked with a tentative smile. For a moment, Damian said nothing, just slid his arms around her and held her tightly.

"Selina," he said finally, in a hoarse voice, "I... I'm sorry... I love you so much." He was choked with emotion, much to his surprise, and buried his face in her long blonde hair.

Surprised, Selina remained quiet, leaning back against him and covering his hands with her own. Then she said gently, "What, Damian? You're sorry that you love me?"

"Oh, no, never." He released her so that he could move to face her and found himself staring at her eyes. They were a deep green, the most beautiful he'd ever seen. In her finely drawn face, they were easily the dominant feature. "It's just that I realized earlier, when we were turning off the road, that I take you for granted. It isn't right." He pulled her close again. "Sometimes I'm surprised that you came with me, but I'm always so glad that you did."

He kissed her intently. Selina matched him all the way. Finally she pulled away to ask, "Wouldn't it be more comfortable if we were lying down?" with a sly smile. Damian laughed and fell backward, pulling her with him.

They managed to shuffle off their clothes and burrow into their covers, their bodies the only source of heat in a cold world.

Damian whispered words of love as he kissed her lips and her neck. He sighed as her hands moved over his body, drawing him as close as possible. He took her hands in his to still them, and lowered his lips to her breasts, making her gasp. "Please, Damian, please," she murmured.

When he released her hands, she stroked his arms and sides while he slid his hands further down her body. He groaned when he found her ready for him. Forcing himself to wait longer, he gently brought her to climax with his hand. Urged on by her cries, he moved over her and slid inside her, biting his lip against the pleasure.

They made love as long as they could, shutting out the past and postponing tomorrow as the world became only them.

"Selina?" he said softly. It was now pitch black both inside the tent and out. Sometimes he felt more comfortable talking when he didn't have to see the expression on her face. He feared seeing regret.

"Mmmm?" she answered. She lay with her head on his shoulder, holding his free hand. His other arm snaked around her shoulders, keeping her close.

"Selina, why did you do it?" He found it difficult not to hold his breath. Although he tried to sound casual, his emotions ran wild as he awaited her answer.

"I've told you before." She sounded slightly surprised but not exasperated. "It was wrong. I decided that even if it was too late, I had to say something... do something. After all, that's what you were doing."

"But wouldn't you have done something similar later? Wouldn't you have noticed another situation and acted the same way?" Damian didnt' know why, but he felt compelled to press the point.

"I don't know. I don't think so." Selina paused, thinking. "If you hadn't caught their attention, there wouldn't have been any reason for me, or anyone else, to jump in. There wouldn't have been any reason to notice, or think about it."

x-x-x-x

Damian had arrived in Transition and immediately caused a controversy. He hadn't intended it that way, of course. He had, in fact, been stunned nearly speechless when he had come to Transition not long after Jim. Jim, who had jumped off the cliff as if he could fly, while Damian watched. Feeling hurt and betrayed, Damian had drunk himself blind and driven his motorcycle straight into the side of a truck.

Then he found himself at the trident of the afterlife. There were three doors, all black, standing out against the white that rose to a point he couldn't see and merged with the white under his feet, forming the room in which he found himself. He was standing in a line of people. In front of the line, he could see when he leaned over, were three black paths. Each person was directed to one of the paths by a faceless, robed... person? He assumed they were people; they looked human enough. Most people were directed to the leftmost door.

Then he had spied Jim in front of him in the line, only three or four people separating them. He wanted to cut ahead, but somehow he couldn't. The atmosphere of the place forbid such an action. So he stood still, listening carefully. All the anger was gone. Jim had not meant to betray him, he knew. Jim had just looked around at his world and saw no reason to go on. Damian understood. He had come so close himself, so many times.

Damian watched as Jim, wearing the same jeans, t-shirt and sneakers as the last time Damian had seen him, stepped up to the front of the line to receive direction. Damian had to strain to hear the word, "Hell." Before he knew what he was doing, he stepped out of line and called, "Wait! Send me with him."

All heads in the place turned to him, including those about to pass through the doors. Selina had been one of these, about to pass into Purgatory. She stopped and stepped back to watch when the astonishing request was made.

"Send me with him," Damian repeated to the faceless, hooded figure who now stood before him. "He's my friend, I won't let him go alone." He glanced at Jim. Jim stood, speechless, his hand digging into his mop of black hair. His features were taut with anger, or perhaps fear; Damian couldn't tell which.

The request drew a variety of reactions. Those in charge of Purgatory urged the Transition authorities to review the Law. Hell laughed uproariously and offered both Damian and Jim its finest accommodations. Heaven had remained quiet, preferring to refrain from issuing a verdict until the Law had been reviewed. A buzz of conversation made its way among those waiting in Transition, wondering at their temporary reprieve and giving odds on the possible decisions.

The situation calmed down a bit when the Transition authorities returned from the Law. There was nothing, they said, that covered such a situation in the Law. It had never happened before.

Purgatory immediately declared itself neutral. Hell once more eagerly offered "sanctuary" to the two of them. This was not surprising, but Heaven had shocked everyone.

Exercise of free will, the Heavenly Representative -- an Angel -- had stated, was held in extremely high regard. After all, it was the ultimate gift bestowed by the Creator upon the Created. Therefore, if Damian wished to accompany his friend to Hell, the request would not be denied. But there could be no turning back. By choosing Hell, Damian would cost himself any chance of ever entering Heaven.

To Selina, this was the ultimate horror. To find out that there was a time when the sacrifices didn't matter anymore, after those that she had seen people make, nearly made her ill. Suppose it stopped before Transition? How long had people been leading good lives after it no longer made a difference?

"How can you?" Her voice was choked with fury as she directed the accusation toward the Angel. She stalked from the door to Purgatory and stood facing him. "How can you?"

"I do not understand," said the Angel.

"This man," she pointed to Damian, "has offered to sacrifice his chance of Heaven to stay with his friend. He has put his friend's happiness before his own salvation. For this, you offer him suffering and damnation? You punish his effort instead of rewarding it? Is it true that no good deed goes unpunished?" Her green eyes sparkled in the otherworldly illumination of Transition.

"You are incorrect," the Angel told her. Damian was entranced by the Angel's wings. They were huge -- he estimated the wingspan to be forty feet or more -- and the white was so soft it nearly hurt to look at them. Damian imagined how this strange, beautiful girl -- a most unexpected but welcome ally -- would look with wings. Gazing at the picture in his mind, he wanted to cry out to her to stop, to go to Purgatory so that she might eventually enter Heaven and receive wings. But the spectacle of her confronting the Angel left him mute.

"Heaven must be chosen," the Angel told Selina gently, like a teacher reminding a student of a basic principle. "If he wishes to choose Hell instead, he may."

"But he didn't choose Hell," Selina countered. "He chose to go with his friend, so that he wouldn't be alone."

"And his friend has been directed to Hell," the Angel said with finality. "That is the decision."

"Then I make the same decision!" Selina said defiantly. "I will go with them."

"Do not be hasty," the Angel warned. His voice was less patient than before. "This choice is more permanent than you can possibly imagine. At least Purgatory is only temporary; after your penance, you will be welcomed to Heaven."

"No!" Damian found his voice and shouted. Both Selina and the Angel turned to him. "This is my decision," he said, "no one else should be hurt by it."

"And this is my decision," Selina said calmly. "If Heaven houses those who punish loyalty such as this, then I want no part of it." Damian knew then that he could easily love this woman. If she could stand up like this for loyalty, then she must believe in it as strongly as he did.

"You choose Hell?" the Angel asked Selina.

"I choose not to go to Heaven," she answered. "Neither now, nor when my time of penance is over. If Heaven will reject this man, then it is its own Hell." Selina faced the Angel with no trace of fear.

After staring at Selina for what seemed to everyone else like ages, the Angel finally spoke. "There must be a discussion. You will wait here." He left.

Dazed by the speed of events, Damain approached Selina. "What are you doing?" He finally managed to say. "You must be out of your mind."

"Not at all." She smiled at him, perhaps a bit nervously, and Damian knew he was in love. "You don't understand. What they are doing isn't right."

"But you don't even know me," he protested. "You could be making a terrible mistake. There may be something worse than Hell for people like us, who challenge the Law."

"But how about you?" Selina asked. "You've offered to go with your friend to the place of ultimate nightmares. You're trying to protect me, and you don't know me either. I could be an agent of Hell, for all you know, trying to encourage actions like yours that result in more people being sent to Hell.

"And as for mistakes..." She shrugged. "I've made plenty of mistakes, some worse than this I'm sure. After all, if I hadn't made any mistakes, I wouldn't be here." Locking eyes with him, she continued. "Everyone here thinks that there isn't anything left, that there isn't anything more they can do. But when you spoke up, you made me realize that it shouldn't ever be that late. When they treated you so..." She looked down and scuffed her feet. His eyes were direct and it could be unsettling. "It may be a little late to be idealistic, or romantic, but it's all I have left."

"Better late than never," he joked weakly. "My name is Damian."

"I'm Selina."

Damian was saved the trouble of a reply when someone clubbed him from behind. He stumbled forward from the blow and Selina prevented him from falling. When he turned around, she kept a hand lightly on his arm, but he didn't notice. Jim stood behind him, wild-eyed and ready for another strike. Damian blocked the arm.

"Jim, what is it?" Damian stopped another swing from the free arm.

"You bastard!" Jim shouted furiously. He ripped his hands free, moved to strike again but didn't. Damian stared at him blankly. Selina moved her eyes from one to the other, concerned for Damian. She had, she told herself, done one of the more ridiculous things she had ever done by falling for this man before she had even learned his name. His attempt to go with his friend had re-awakened, at this very late date, her faith in the fact that there were still decent people somewhere in the world. When he tried to save her too, she knew her fate was sealed. But she didn't care.

"Who asked you to interfere?" Jim was nearly screaming. "I don't want you with me! I never did! I hated you for so long and I want you out of my life! I don't care if I have to go to Hell for it, it'll be worth it." He lowered his arms and stormed off to join those directed to Hell. Moving to the front of the line, he jerked open the door, stepped through, and slammed it so that the clap resounded like thunder. He never looked back.

Damian stared after him, speechless, unaware of Selina laying comforting hands on his shoulders. He didn't notice her until she shook him.

"Listen to me," she said in a low, urgent voice. "The Angel is coming back. He will either have a decision or force us to make one. Do you trust me?" Damian nodded. "I don't know what will happen," she said, "but I have an idea."

And I hope it works

, she thought to herself.

The Angel appeared and looked at them. Selina thought she saw regret in his expression. "Your decision seems to have been wasted. You can still change your mind." This comment was directed at Damian, who merely shook his head while Selina looked on. "So you have chosen Hell," the Angel said sadly.

"No!" said Selina. "We did not!"

"Child, if you deny yourself the option of Heaven, there is no other choice."

Selina took a deep breath and prepared to play her card. "Yes, there is. We choose Purgatory."

Can I do that?

She wondered. Regardless, she continued. "Rejecting something does not automatically mean choosing the opposite. Purgatory is a third option, and that is what we want."

Damian was stunned. He saw no confusion on Selina's face, and figured that the bewilderment appropriate to the situation was more than evident on his own and the Angel's faces. The Representatives of Purgatory seemed more than a bit astounded as well, which he could tell only from body language, as their faces were still not visible.

A decision was made at last. Damian and Selina could remain in Purgatory indefinitely. Heaven was closed to them. Should they tire of Purgatory, their only option was Hell. This, the Angel reminded them, was because they had rejected Heaven of their own free will. Selina did not argue the point.

Damian agreed numbly, and let Selina lead him through the leftmost door into Purgatory. It was so similar to the world they had left. Perhaps it was that world, after all. He knew they would never be sure. Everything was so stark, so bleak; nothing inspired hope, or ambition, or happiness. Contact with the other inhabitants was minimal. A very few seemed so hopeful about their penance and what might come after that Damian and Selina hurt to talk to them. Most were withdrawn and uncommunicative.

He was amazed that there had been any kind of "civilization" in Purgatory. Growing up, he had always pictured it as more of a waiting room. Like a doctor's office where one prayed, perhaps; but this time the prayers were of a greater magnitude. Selina had similar ideas, but readily jettisoned them to keep up with her present reality. Maybe it had been that way once, she proposed. But people, even dead ones, must get bored after a time. And so, taking the knowledge from their previous existence, those people had managed to create a similar place here. The difference was that here, there was no further goal for people. Just a place to be, so you might as well be comfortable. Progress was a different matter.