Big Brother Does the Laundry

All of the technologies depicted in this story exists now. Like individual words in the dictionary it is how they are put together that creates something new.

Thanks to Green MGB for editing!

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Hearings! More bloody hearings! I won't be testifying at these anymore than I did the others, I won't be making an appearance. As much as they'd like to, they can't compel me to attend in person. They will have to make do with my legal team instead. I say 'make do' and not satisfied, because these politicians are never satisfied.

It all started when I noticed how many people were doing their laundry at laundromats. It was a simple idea really; why not move the coin operated machines into individual homes so that people who couldn't afford their own machines could do their laundry at home instead of venturing out to a laundromat? Of course, the machines would not be coin operated. Instead of putting coins into a slot the user would just tap the screen with a smartphone. So easy, so convenient!

Our all-in-one compact washer-dryer units proved to be a great success right off the bat. Landlords loved them and most new apartment buildings built today are designed with them in mind. Developers no longer have to use up valuable space for communal laundry rooms or worry about maintaining machines. They can just order our machines for their rental units and let the tenants pay for the machines on their own.

It's not just landlords who love our machines, the users do too. I say users, not tenants, because a lot of our appliances are in the private homes of people who can easily afford to purchase their own machines. Since we have no interest in servicing malfunctioning machines, we make the best products in the industry; they never break down. Not only are our appliances reliable, they are also attractive and ergonomic, some of the best designers in their fields have made sure of that. As an added bonus, our machines won't start if you leave your phone in a pocket; how could they when you need your phone to start the machine!

After the initial success of the laundry machines the business really took off when we introduced our line of refrigerators and stoves. We included a smart screen on the front panels so the user can be entertained in the kitchen while cooking. If the user enables the smart-add feature, and most do, then the rental fee for the appliance is discounted. Consumers love our advertisements because our smart-screens scan the user to assess audience engagement. The advertising is specially tailored for each viewer and audio ASMR (Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response) cues ensure a relaxing and pleasant kitchen experience, even if no one is actively watching the screen.

The business case for our refrigerators is bullet proof for us; if the leaser doesn't keep up with payments the fridge will shut down and all the food inside will spoil. Nobody skips payments.

The next step in product development was a natural evolution. Why not decrease the rental cost of our appliances through a product sponsorship program? If you buy our specially marked sponsor-products for one of our appliances, the rental cost is further reduced. If nothing but sponsor-products are used then the cost of renting our appliances is nominal or even free! Sponsor-products turn out to be where the big money is. A fridge that might cost us a thousand to make will have tens or even hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of food cycled through it over its lifetime, that is why we developed a line of toasters and give them out for free! Don't try to toast a non-sponsor product brand of bread in one of those, our toasters can tell the difference and won't turn on.

Consumers seek out our sponsor-products not only to reduce the rental cost of our appliances but because they have grown to love them! Some households consume nothing else. Whole sections at grocery stores are devoted to them. The growing number of our own stores carry nothing but sponsor products. The food producers line up to pay for the opportunity to be included in our product-sponsor program.

Our competitor cry in despair, the politicians howl in outrage! They've even invented a special term just to describe our business model, they call it a "vertically integrated antitrust". We are sometimes accused of brainwashing our customers, our lawyers love it when they hear that; such slander can't be absolutely proven in court and such talk has turned out to be very lucrative through the tort system.

Round after round of ridiculous hearings have been devoted to our company, but that hasn't slowed us down one bit. Our appliances just work on assessing individual needs and wants. They communicate silently back and forth to give the consumer the best possible user experience. We use the automatically generated data reports to make the next generation of our appliances even better. The launch of a whole new line of products is planned to coincide with this latest round of hearings, the amount of free advertising we will welcome is expected to be unprecedented! Wait till they find out it's not a line of smart phones. These phones are brilliant!

Our new line of phones will navigate our customers through life like built in, personalized GPS guides, seamlessly connecting to our appliances along the way. Our helpful navigators will be indispensable to our customers, we plan to give them out for free, they will quickly outnumber the combined number of all other cell phone types combined!

The current crop of politicians has been a reliable source of annoyance, I'm not worried though; none of them will be around after the next election. I can guarantee it! The new ones will be much friendlier and we anticipate a giant boost in sales thanks to the forthcoming government contracts!