Bad Heuristic

That day at the market, Joe Granger saw something very unexpected: another human. Here on Roku V, a million light-years from Terra, carbon-based lifeforms, let alone homo sapien sapiens, were a rarity. He had been, to the best of his knowledge, the only one in the world, until this moment. And he liked it that way.

She was standing at the end of a line to one of the marketplace stalls—it sold refreshments and hypershuttle tickets, far as he could recall—behind a multitude of different aliens, many of whose species he could not identify. It was a strange day at the market when he did know what everyone was.

Beyond the simple fact of her humanity, there was something else that held Joe's attention and conjured up long-buried feelings. From her feet, caked in the desert sand, to her shoulders, over which a mane of chestnut hair fell, she was entirely naked.

It had been so long. Joe stared openly, drinking in her sun-browned skin. She had strong, elegant legs, and a pair of dimples above her ample rear. He had to speak to her, if only that she might turn to face him.

Set on speaking to her, his thoughts turned to pragmatism. What was this human woman doing on Roku V, and why was she naked? Could she be in trouble? It was his duty to do what he could to help.

Joe quietly joined the line. "Fashions sure have changed since I left Terra," he said, speaking English in a slow, unpractised voice. He passed a hand across his dark hair, which was cropped close to his scalp.

The woman yelped, short and sharp, but then stood still again. Joe saw her shoulders tense up and her hands ball into fists. She stood frozen for a moment and then took a deep, long breath. Finally, she turned to face him.

"I'm... not exactly current with them myself," she said, her voice strained. She locked her green eyes with his brown ones and folded her arms over her chest, in a forcedly casual kind of way. "But, as far as I know, wearing clothes is still compulsory."

From her words and her strong discomfort, Joe concluded that she was not a nudist and that mainstream human society still encouraged clothing. She had nothing to be embarrassed about though, thought Joe. Firm breasts, a flat stomach and a cute little tuft of hair down below. Wide hips that flowed into strong legs. Perhaps it was the isolation talking, but she was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen.

"So why are you breaking that rule?" he asked. "You don't look very at-ease."

The woman sighed. "You're not helping with that! The guard said there weren't any humans on this planet, so it wouldn't matter that I was naked."

"The guard?" Joe asked.

The woman broke eye contact. "I, uh, kinda stowed away. On a cruise ship."

"Without any clothes?"

"Well... the guard found me in the shower. She took away my towel, because I wasn't a paying guest. I begged her to let me fetch my clothes, but she looked up my file and found a bunch of, uh, shoplifting charges. From clothes shops. She said that my clothes would have to be returned to their rightful owners."

"Wow. So she just tossed you out? With nothing?"

"You know how guardbots are, real sticklers for the law."

Joe took that statement as a reminder of how long he'd been away from other humans. Last he'd been aware, guardbots were exclusively it, not she or he.

"Anyway, none of these aliens seemed to even notice me, so I was actually feeling fine until you showed up to gawk. I was just about to buy a hypershuttle ticket."

Joe was a bit annoyed that the first human he'd encountered in years was so unhappy to see him. "And how were you planning to buy that ticket?"

She looked at him like he was an idiot. "With my eyes, duh."

Joe smirked. "What's your name?"

"Sophie," she said. "Sophie Marsden."

"Well, Sophie, how likely do you think it is that a planet without a significant human population accepts retinal payments?"

Sophie's face fell. "B-but surely... surely other species have eyes!"

"Some do," Joe replied. "But they're all different shapes and sizes, and made of different material. And not every species uses a biometric money system. Especially not on Roku V. The only payment that's accepted at this market is cash, I'm afraid."

Sophie's shoulders slumped, and, in a pleasing development, her arms fell limply to her sides. "Surely the guard must have known that? How could she leave me here?"

"I wouldn't trust a machine like that as far as I could throw it. You're damn lucky I came along."

Sophie's eyes lit up. "So you'll buy me a ticket?"

Her expression melted his heart. "Of course," he said. "What kind of monster would I be otherwise?"

Sophie squealed with delight, and the next thing Joe knew she was hugging him. He reciprocated, folding his arms around her bare back. Her skin was electric to his touch. It had been so long.

"We'll just need to go back to my place to get some more cash," he said, once they had disentangled. "I didn't bring enough for a hypershuttle ticket—definitely not enough for one to a human-populated planet."

"We?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.

Joe chuckled. "In return for my generous gift, I ask only that you accompany me here and back. It's been a long time since I've been able to talk to another human being, and I want to practise my English again."

"You do sound pretty weird."

"That's rich coming from a nudist castaway."

Sophie squirmed, hovering one hand above her crotch and the other near her breasts before forcing them to her sides. "I kind of wish I was a nudist, to be honest. I can't stand feeling so exposed in front of all of these people, and I don't want them to know how embarrassed I am."

"Just keep those arms down and walk confidently," Joe said. "Remember, for all they know, your species doesn't wear clothes."

Sophie cocked an eyebrow. "Couldn't you lend me yours?"

Joe smirked and gestured at his single-piece jumpsuit. "I'm not pulling this off in the middle of the marketplace. Besides, I'm the only other human here, and I've already had an eyeful."

Sophie blushed deeply and turned her face away, visibly struggling not to sink into a fetal crouch.

"You're beautiful, Miss Sophie."

"Thanks, I guess," Sophie replied. "You're not bad yourself." Joe felt her eyes flick across his weathered, stubbly face and down to his broad chest, which pulled the jumpsuit fabric taut.

With this, Sophie took a deep breath, resigned herself to her fate, and stared resolutely ahead. "Lead the way, Mister, uh..."

"You can call me Joe. And don't worry, I'll find you something to wear at home."

The exile and the naked woman walked through the market. As they went on, Sophie seemed to almost forget her nudity, and began walking and talking normally, but for the occasional blush or arm movement. She told Joe of her childhood on Terra, the parents who had died when she was in her teens, and the places she'd been since. Without money, family or education, she had scraped a living by on the edge of society. This wasn't the worst situation she'd gotten herself into, not by far.

"I may be naked, but at least I don't have a pack of wild zoorbers after me this time," she said, concluding the tale of her last planetary landing.

Joe listened to her empathetically, while not passing up the opportunity to steal glances at her body. He was reminding himself of what women looked like, after many years without them. Sophie was slighter than Amelia had been, and more tanned, but she had the same piercing green eyes. If he squinted, he could almost picture his dead wife around those eyes.

Sophie was speaking animatedly as the two turned into an alleyway. Joe was so fixed on her, that he didn't notice the figures surrounding them until it was too late.

"Freeze," said a high, nasally voice, speaking a language Joe had hoped never to hear again.

They were encircled by large group of very small green humanoid aliens with potato-shaped heads. All were dressed in purple jumpsuits, and each was armed with a zeblon blaster the size of its head. The blasters were all trained directly on Joe.

"How did you find me?" Joe asked, forcing out the words in that hateful language. He remained outwardly calm, slowly raising his arms.

Sophie imitated Joe, her expression confused, then ashen. Joe could see she didn't understand the aliens' language. One of the aliens stepped towards her, holding a black baton in his non-blaster hand.

The leader of the group, who wore a crown inset with a small red jewel, stepped forward, keeping his blaster steady. "We have our ways," he said. "But you didn't make it easy for us, Joegranger."

"Good." Joe spat in the dirt. "I ask that you take me, and only me. Leave my companion."

The alien leader, who Joe knew as Zer, snarled. "We are apprehending you AND your pet. Yut, contain it!"

The alien who had approached Sophie tapped his baton against her backside, and an electric shock shot through her. Sophie's eyes went wide, her hair frizzed, and then she fell to the ground, unconscious.

"It's not dead," said Zer. "And you can keep it that way."

Joe needed no further convincing.

* * *

Sophie opened her eyes to the sight of criss-crossing wire bars and a metal ceiling far above them. Her whole body ached, and the metal floor was cold against her bare back. She was in a cage.

Groaning, she turned over onto her side. The scene before her eyes changed to a massive warehouse filled with other cages. Inside the cages where all manner of alien creatures, with fur, feathers, scales, carapaces, jelly exteriors, and even skin like her own. The air was alive with a million strange noises.

She had seen some of these creatures before, in person or in pictures, but many more were unfamiliar to her. She couldn't see Joe in any of the cages, nor were there any other humans in sight.

Something about the aliens bugged her. There was a similarity between them, but she couldn't quite put her finger on it.

Sophie put her hands down on the floor and lifted herself up. The movement of her unsupported breasts reminded her that she was still fully naked. Things just seemed to go from bad to worse for her. But at least there weren't any humans around to see. The alien creatures stared blankly at her from their cages; none had any concept of human nudity taboos.

Sophie thought back to the incident in the alleyway. She and Joe had been captured by a group of small green aliens. These aliens had clearly taken them somewhere, and locked them up. Joe seemed to know the alien with the crown. Was he in on this? Was this all some kind of ploy to capture her for some kind of zoo?

Maybe, but she'd seen the fear in Joe's eyes. He must have been captured too, and put in some other area for whatever reason. Maybe they separated species in some way? They couldn't have been too familiar with humans, then.

Sophie strolled over to the door of her cage. She stuck her arm out of a gap between the bars and and ran her hand across the other side of the latch. In place of a lock, there was a complex, multi-part latching mechanism.

CLICK. CLACK. CLUNK. Sophie had the latch open in seconds. She cautiously pushed the door open by a couple of centimeters, and it moved. Victory. Sophie looked to her left and her right, scanning the warehouse floor for green aliens. Seeing none, she slid the door open just enough to squeeze out, and exited her cage.

Sophie dashed across the room, trying to make as little sound as possible with her bare feet, while also trying to move as fast as she could. Some of the creatures looked up at her as she passed, and a few made noises she couldn't understand. There was no sign of any of the squat green aliens who were responsible for her imprisonment.

Finally, Sophie reached the other side of the room, where a door hung open. She squeezed through it, and into a dark, narrow corridor.

That'll teach these losers to underestimate a naked girl, she thought.

Sophie crept down the long corridor, trying every door. About halfway down, she saw something rounding the corner at the far end. Panicking, she tried to flatten herself against the wall. It wasn't an effective hiding place, but there weren't any of those in this long, featureless corridor, and the prison room she'd escaped from was too far back to return to. She was caught.

Or perhaps not. As the creature coming down the corridor came closer, she saw that it wasn't one of the green aliens, but a squat pink creature that somewhat resembled a Terran pig. This creature was making a loud sucking noise with its large mouth against the ground, moving slowly and in a straight line. Sophie now recognized it as a Yurtan CleanSweep, something she'd seen copious advertisements for. Like most products of Yurtan origin, it was a simple machine that was made of flesh and blood rather than metal and wires. It gave her the creeps.

Fortunately, Yurtan CleanSweeps were designed for a single purpose, and it wasn't security. The creature moved methodically across the hallway floor, cleaned around Sophie's feet, and then turned a corner and was out of sight.

Sophie let out a sigh of relief and tried the next door. This one was unlocked. To her delight, the first room she was able to get into was full of clothing. Small purple jumpsuits lined the walls.

The green aliens were a lot shorter than Sophie was, and had narrower builds, but luckily the purple jumpsuit material stretched easily. Even more luckily, a fabric-cutting machine with a large blade occupied one corner of the room. She pulled down the largest alien jumpsuit she could find and made some alterations.

First, she chopped the jumpsuit in half to make a two-piece. Then she cut the spindly legs and arms off the top and bottom of the jumpsuit. Finally, she widened its arm, leg and head holes, and pulled her new outfit on.

Sophie admired her handiwork in the mirror at the back of the room. Ultimately, the green aliens were too small for this to be a modest outfit. The top left the undersides of both breasts exposed, and the bottom rode very low on her hips, exposing butt cleavage. Even so, it felt to good to wear something again, and in the right mood, this outfit might even have made her feel sexy.

Now that she was clothed, it was time to get out of here. But where was she? The corridor resembled those of some large spacecraft she'd been on, but there was no way of telling whether it was in space or still docked. She should probably find Joe. If he wasn't in on this, she would need still his help to get that hypershuttle ticket. And maybe he had a spare human-sized jumpsuit, she thought, pulling on the stretchy purple fabric that kept sliding down her ass.

Sophie couldn't read any of the signs on the walls—presumably they were written in the same language that Joe had spoken with the aliens, rather than Standard Galactic, English or any other language Sophie had even minor proficiency in. This forced her to search for Joe through trial and error. Fortunately, this part of the ship seemed deserted, so she could explore and backtrack without too much risk of discovery. But as she rose through the levels, the sounds of alien chatter grew louder and closer.

Finally, three levels above where she'd been kept, she found the entrance to what looked like the people version of her prison. Through an open door in the middle of a corridor, she could see a large room with rows of jail cells lining either side and a large computer control panel in the middle. The entrance of the room shimmered with some kind of forcefield.

Suddenly, Sophie heard small, hurried footsteps pounding just above her. Alien voices were coming closer! She glanced around, looking for a hiding place. There was a small supply closet just opposite the prison entrance. She ducked inside it and pulled the door almost shut, leaving a crack that she could peer through.

Two small green aliens armed with zeblon blasters raced down the corridor. One turned to prison entrance and ran full-tilt into it. He hit the forcefield and bounced backwards with a loud ZAP! There was a loud THUNK as his small body slammed into the opposite wall, inches from the crack Sophie was peering through. She slunk further into the dark closet, hardly daring to breathe.

But the alien was too preoccupied with the shock of the forcefield to notice the scantily clad human female through the doorframe crack. He got up, looking sheepish, and slowly approached the forcefield.

The other alien shouted at him in their language before producing a small remote and pressing a button. The shimmering in the doorframe ceased, and the two aliens entered the prison room. Sophie briefly considered following them, but the forcefield reactivated almost immediately. It would have been suicide anyway.

The aliens stayed in the room for a few minutes, shouting at someone. Sophie could hear faint replies in what sounded like Joe's voice. So he was inside this room! But how to get to him?

Eventually, the aliens left, grumbling to each other. They looked highly irritated. Sophie hoped that they would forget to activate the forcefield behind them, but this was wishful thinking. It appeared to be on a very short automatic timer, reactivating seconds after each deactivation.

Sophie looked around the supply closet. It was empty, but for a dusty mop and bucket in one corner. They probably hadn't seen any use since the ship switched to using CleanSweeps.

As if on cue, the tell-tale suction of a CleanSweep came into audible range. Sophie stepped out of the supply closet and watched as it sucked its way along the floor, moving down the corridor in sideways sweeps. True to the ad copy, it left the floor shining as it went.

Sophie wondered what would happen when it brushed against the forcefield protecting the prison room. Would it be bounced back into the opposite wall like the green alien had been? That would be kinda funny.

At last, the CleanSweep reached the forcefield. As its pink snout passed through the doorway, the air shimmered at an increased frequency and... let the CleanSweep through. The little pink creature passed through the forcefield like it wasn't there and continued cleaning the floor of the prison room.

Sophie was shocked and puzzled. It wasn't like the forcefield had been disabled for the creature—rather, it seemed to detect it and allow it through. Which was the opposite of what had happened to the green alien. That was highly strange—surely if these aliens were going to write exceptions into their forcefield tech, they would include themselves before they'd include cleaner robot animal things?

Maybe the CleanSweep had done something to the forcefield. Wouldn't that be lucky? Sophie cautiously approached it and gingerly attempted to stick a hand through it. The pain was immediate, and she jerked her arm back, biting her lip to avoid crying out.

Okay, so that wasn't it. There was something about the CleanSweep that had allowed it to go through where she and the green aliens were barred. What could that be? Well, she and the aliens were thinking creatures, people, members of society. The CleanSweep, on the other hand, was a machine... sort of. Though its pink skin and the way it trotted along on tiny legs did really make her think of a pig. The Yurtans were masters of biology.

The prison's cells housed an astonishingly diverse array of aliens. She could only see a few of them through the doorframe, and of those she could only identify a couple. One in a small rubber pool was a Tilray, an aquatic people that wore elaborate seaweed robes. Another, sleeping on a hard prison bed, looked like a Magar, a desert-dwelling people who covered themselves in shapeless black robes.

Sophie thought back to the aliens in her own prison. They had made a lot of noise, whereas this prison was silent. And they had been kept in cages, whereas this prison contained cells protected by thick metal bars without visible doors rather than wire cages with multi-stage mechanical locks. Sophie glanced at the CleanSweep making its way across the floor, its pink skin glistening with sweat-slash-detergent. It was almost as if...