Antius and Thelma

Antius was an Uberquark from the planet Tiga in the galaxy of Sigma Alpha.

He stared through the visualiser of his transport module and groaned, it was bright starlight again, he hated starlight, he much preferred the soft moist precipitation whose mother clouds blanked out the harsh glare of starlight.

Antius hated the Zeotron Five Transport module he had been allocated, for one thing it was too unwieldy, and also underpowered, and away from the Federation area its lack of communicators was positively dangerous.

Antius hated thinking, at home he could always rely on telepathy for problem solving, there was always someone within range on the same wavelength but here away from the relays in deep space he was on his own, apart from his mate Mishna and she was about as useful as a Rock Edillarch with a bunion when he needed to solve a problem.

The first few planets in this system Arrol 238 had proved to be unsuitable for colonisation but in the third orbit as predicted was a very suitable planet, feeble radiation could be felt and abandoned primitive space vehicles littered the outer edges of its atmosphere and he had already been back home once to report it.

"Don't report it. Colonise it." Fellonius Ultina, Antuis's superior had screamed as he bashed his left head against a wall of hard baked earthern blocks, "What goes on in those heads of yours."

"Three hundred Millennia of selective breeding and you are the result." Felonius continued.

"He was bred for his Quong" said Mishna approvingly.

"I can see that he was not bred for thinking." Agreed Felonius as he stared longingly at Mishna, Mishna had also been bred for breeding, he envied Antius.

So Antius sat in his Zeotron Five, waiting for the starlight to fade, waiting for suitable hosts for his offspring.

There were no suitable hosts, many creatures had only four legs, and the ones with eight were far too small. Strange two legged hybrids seemed to be everywhere, rushing around in metal transporters or lurking in their strange habitation units.

A large transporter appeared moving slowly, Antius turned the anti vision to maximum, the energy meter moved down once more, and then the transporter stopped.

Even Antius knew he could not leave the anti vision on too long and in a fit of frustration he threw on his helmets and headed for the Carbon Lock.

He grasped the rear of the Transporter and pushed, the soft metal distorted under his claws but soon it was over the hill and out of sight of his module.

It was only later Antius realised he himself may well have been seen by the two legged hybrid in the navigation seat.

"It were like a Eight foot tall Grasshopper, with three heads wearing crash helmets." Archie Melton explained to the lads in Three Compasses later that evening. "It bent bed where it grabbed on."

"More likely you backed into a wall" said Sid Ormondthwaite, Bagley's only Police Constable. "Had thee been supping ale at time."

Meanwhile Antius decided the serious business of mating required their full attention, well, he kept the three eyes of his left head on the monitors, but otherwise he gave his full attention to Mishna.

Antius's Quong slowly emerged from its sac, slithering slowly across the floor of the module, he made the end do a circle, then the plunge manoever, (like the Indian Rope Trick in reverse) and several easy knots before as Misha laughed it lunged within her wombs, she cooed happily as he sprayed her pods and then as his Quong retracted they ate their favourite freeze dried rancid slugs.

Meanwhile in the Pub Archie Melton was eating something very similar, Mushy Peas, with Pie and Chips, washed down with a gallon of pale ale.

Antius watched as Misha's pods fertilised, one thirty second of a planetry revolution passed as they grew from white orbs to the dart like brown barbs ready for implantation.

As with all Quark species Misha had only four incubators so with two hundred and fifty six planetry revolution equivalents for each incubation compared with up to twenty pods which could be produced and fertilised per day the need for hosts for implantation was obvious.

Antius collected his offspring, placing them in the carrier designed for the purpose which secured between his wing stubs, an evolutionary leftover from when Quarks had been able to fly, and he set off to find hosts.

He found a horny four-leg, a quick stun stare and the beast fell quivering to the ground, he searched for a womb and finding only one orifice he placed his little one in as far as he could with his long back leg. He reassured it telepathically, and promised to come back when it hatched.

He found two more easily but then the others ran away.

He took the final brown dart and marvelled at how it could become a fully grown Quark in only two revolutions of the home planet.

"Get on with it I'm freezing" the little embryo told him telepathically, and Antius thought he should seek a host rapidly. He lumbered down the hill towards the lights, he would try a two leg.

He saw one, it stood aimlessly, he saw it was in mating attire, legs bare, a female, he smelled arousal, she was ripe.

He tried a stun stare, the two leg stared back, a smoking stick fell from its lips, "Oh Alfie, you are a card, where did you get that outfit."

Antius did not hesitate and with his left middle leg inserted his offspring into the orifice between the creatures legs.

"Oi pervert" the creature cried.

Antius backed away his duty fulfilled.

"Hey you come here, that's twenty quid you owe me, I can't work with this stuck up me."

Antius felt fear, he ran, a two leg in a small transport impeded him but he rose onto his rear legs and strode like a Dynosaur leaving the Daewoo Matiz screaming in his wake, or was it the navigator sat within screaming, he did not care.

He reached his craft and settled gratefully into the Carbon Monoxide and Sulphur environment. He relaxed, the telepathy showing three happy pods nestled within grazing and slightly confused beasts and the last one, unhappy, dissatisfied, the host angry, violated.

Thelma Diggle was seething with anger, It was bad enough Alfie Stubbins creeping up on her in his Loch Ness Monster Costume, but shoving a dildo up her ass and leaving it up, without paying was taking liberties.

She could not get the thing out either, it was jammed. She went straight round to the Flying Pig and tried to shift it as soon as Alfie had run off but she could not get a grip on it, and then Frieda Hilter started bellowing "Oi gerrout the bog I'm bustin fer a shit" and she had to leave it, it felt queer, but she admitted later, it were a bit of a turn on and saved wanking to get her self wet for punters.

She met Dicky Mason, by co op and he wanted a blow job, Thelma was anxious to know if she could still fuck with the thing up her back passage so she offered Dicky a discount fuck saying as she had a mouth ulcer.

Thelma never knew she was about to save mankind, she just wanted to see if she could fuck with a dildo up her ass, but as she led Dicky to the shed on Eric Motson's allotment and lay down she set in motion events of such magnitude that the Quark dream of colonising the whole universe was shattered for ever.

The Little embryo was nice and warm inside Thelma, her swaying hips rocked him into a contented sleep and he sensed Thelmas fear subside, he monitored Antius and Misha and his siblings as he slept and grew but then he sensed something new, he realised his host was mating.

He sensed the mating dance, and knew the mating would be twenty heart cycles, he sensed Thelma's heart speed up and waited.

The tiny quarklet felt the thunderous thrust of mating, its ferocity quite unexpected, the telepathy of his host overwhelmed him, such feelings he had never been bred to expect or cope with, great waves of pleasure overloading his pleasure sensors and sending the excess through the telenetwork.

Antius felt the urgency of the little ones communication he looked at Misha and saw she was aroused also, his Quong emerged out of control wrapping itself four times around the control column before spraying the whole of the module with his fertiliser.

Misha frantically scooped fertiliser into her wombs, "What happened Antius?"

"I know not, but we both experienced it."

Thelma lay quiet, "it was a bit uncomfortable but by heck that were some orgasm" she told Dicky and as he buttoned his flies Eric banged on door.

Eric were an ugly old bastard but Thelma always gave him a good price if he let her use his shed for a brothel on cold wet nights.

She just stayed where she was, wet from Dickys cum with her knickers round her left ankle and skirt rucked up while Eric undid his braces and dropped his trousers.

Antius had only just started to clean up when the telemessage came again, his Quong expanded again and he found it was out of control again, Misha screamed for fertiliser as her receptors overloaded but Antius's Quong had a mind of it's own, growing to twice its usual size and bending the equipment bay door as it tried to expand even more.

The little quarklet was overwhelmed but it protected its receptors by bypassing them to output the full input to his peers, but no Quark could possibly anticipate the sexual energy of a Yorkshire lass who fucked for a living and so poor Antius and Misha had no hope of avoiding the full blast of Thelma's sensations.

Antius knew he must recover his offspring, so he set off, the horny beasts were easy enough to catch and he soon had them back in Misha's incubators but he had to find the two leg and as he headed once more toward the lights a Transporter appeared.

The two leg navigating it stopped when it saw him. "Wanna Lift Lad" asked ." Archie Melton through a haze of stale beer,

"Quaaarrrkk" Antius replied, leaping aboard.

His telepathic sensors scanned Archie's memory and he found information, beasts like himself at a lake, nearby, and information about Polar Ice, 7 to 2 on favourite in the 2.30 at Haydock Park on Saturday.

Antius saw the two leg with his quarklet, she was preparing to mate so he leapt from the transporter and grabbed the other two leg by its upper leg.

The two leg was old and weak and Antius looked in horror as the limb tore away, he tried to apologies telepathically but the two leg was rude so he ate it.

Thelma screamed, with terror and shit herself the tiny quarklet fell from her arse and Antius quickly grabbed it and licked it clean.

He thanked her telepathically and tried to understand why she claimed he owed her a hundred quid, he assumed quids were small rodents or freeze dried slugs, failing to realise quids were tokens of credit.

Antius returned to the craft and when the little one was tucked up inside Misha's incubator again he set out to find creatures at the lake.

Archie Melton had a bad night, the three headed eight foot grass hopper seemed so real, and then evening there it was again, on the back of his truck.

Inspector "Gormless" Grampus, had just finished "Interrogating" Thelma Diggle and was pulling his trousers up when Archie drove by. The three headed eight foot grasshopper clinging to the back of his lorry looked exactly like the one which Thelma said had eaten Peter Thool, on the allotment the night before, leaving only his severed arm as evidence.

Antius sensed the destination was far away, so he asked Archie to stop by his Transport module, Archie stopped as asked and was amazed when Misha powered down the anti vision, "It were like a bloody hanger"

He drove into the cargo bay and switched off the engine.

Antius found Misha still busy cleaning but he quickly took off his middle helmet and set course for the lake Arcie had described. The Zeotron Five Transport module, while unwieldy and underpowered was quite accommodating and the three tons of Bedford truck barely affected the handling at all, but Antius was not the best navigator and half of Yorkshire blacked out as he took out the main power line from Drax power station with a slightly misjudged powerslide around the cooling towers.

He knocked a few gargoyles and part of the roof off Durham Cathedral as he followed the railway north and caused a major pile up on the Forth road bridge before heading cross country to Loch Ness. He tried racing the two legs flying machines but the Zeotron Five was a Transport module, not a Leisure module, and as such was unsuited to speeds below Mach 1 so they fell slowly behind.

Antius sensed the other Quark as he approached, an old Quark, lonely, abandoned, it waited beneath its portrait at a place called Drumnadrochit.

Tinytus, Fornica, abandoned alone when his module developed a hydraulic leak in the days before mankind had hydraulics he survived in standby mode at the bottom of the lake waiting for rescue.

His mate sadly died, her heart broken and unable to adopt standby mode she had burned out her life force, and when two legs had been plentiful she had eaten them hungrily and swelled so she could not re-enter the module nor standby on the lake bottom. She hid from the harsh light in caves then one day her telepathic signals ceased and Tinyus was alone.

Revellersd were astounded to see Tinyus, Antius and Misha standing around in the roadway, "Och uts Nessie" they cried until the three climbed into the Zeotron Five.

They scanned and found Tinyus's module, buried under thousands of tons of rock or silt it took twenty five earth minutes to unearth it with a noise heard in Aberdeen and a vibration felt on seismometers as far away as New Zealand.

Antius realised Archie had gone, as they grappled the craft to the surface and then to the Loch Ness Exhibition Centre car park. The glow of flash photography hurt the Quarks eyes as they climbed out.

Photographers were going wild, camcorders and mobile phone cameras recorded the scene as Archie quietly made a killing by selling the story to the highest bidder,

Antius and Archie shared a last telepathic conversation and then as Archie drove his Bedford Truck from the load bay the Quark's teleporter loaded Tinyus's module and they blasted off in the general direction of Tiga, Via Fort Augustus and Loch Lochy.

Flying low over the water they listened and watched as Tinyus pointed out the various places where edible food was to be had, especially the great glen Cattle Ranch where the food was plentiful and tasty, if you liked that sort of thing, which Miska ans Antius did not.

They much preferred freeze dried rancid slugs.

And that is why the Quarks decided to place earth off limits, The official reason "Unsuitable atmosphere is a cover the real reason is that the two legs there are all "fucking mad."

So think on, if they had shoved a quarklet up your wife's arse or husband's for that matter, instead of Thelma's then we might be over run with eight foot tall three headed grasshoppers by now,

Not a happy thought.