Hopefully everyone enjoys this. Fair warning, this has a pretty heavy religious theme so if that stuff offends you, you might want to stay away. That being said, I don't think anyone reading here is going to be particularly bothered. For those of you that do read it, let me know what you think. I always enjoy the feedback. And without further adieu... A Divine Gift
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Like a lot of people, I met my wife in college. We were in the same dorm and fell into that common dating circle trap where everyone is dating everyone. It wasn't until we left for separate grad schools that we realized how much we meant to each other. It's ironic that our relationship got more serious as we dated long distance but it worked well for us. I asked her to marry me when we graduated and we were wedded and honeymooning within six months.
I'd say our marriage was idyllic but that would be a lie. There was one issue that kept coming up over and over as a source of friction. My wife would tell you that we were "unevenly yoked". I would say, "She's religious and I wasn't."
We had discussed it (at great length) when we dated. I wasn't some militant atheist. Those people have elevated that belief to an absurd level. I was an agnostic. I believed that disproving God was as futile as believing in one. I remember one memorable conversation my wife (then fiancee) and I had.
"I kind of admire people of faith," I'd said.
She propped herself up on one elbow, looking at me with some excitement. "Really?"
I nodded, "Truly. I just can't make myself believe in something so... ephemeral. Unverifiable. You know?"
"You believe in my love, don't you?"
"Of course."
"Isn't it just as ephemeral?"
I kissed her, "No. You show me how much you love me every day."
"So does God. You just have to know where to look." The certainty in her voice was compelling but not persuasive.
I sighed, trying to avoid a fight, "I... I understand why you say that but I don't see it that way. I do see wonderful, amazing things in this world but I also see plenty of reasonable... non divine... explanations. On top of that, I don't see why Christianity has to be the only answer. I mean... Have you made an extensive study of all major religions? Maybe there's another out there that's more internally consistent than Christianity?"
She frowned, "Danny, do you think I only believe because of some myopic view of the Bible?"
"Uhmm... This feels like a trap," I said, grinning and trying to defuse the situation.
"It's not. Look," she said sitting up. Her pert little breasts were bare in front of me but I tried not to focus on them. She didn't help when she grabbed the gold cross that nestled between them and spun it. "This is just a symbol. The Bible is the instruction manual. But God is all around me. He talks to me. He saved me."
"I get that. But he doesn't talk to me," I said, frowning.
"Did I tell you about the time our house burned down?" she said.
I shook my head no. I was pretty sure I'd remember that story if I'd heard it.
"It was an electrical fire. My parents got everyone else out but I was staying in the loft at the time and the wooden spiral staircase was completely on fire. There was no way out. No window. Smoke building. I was coughing and could barely breathe or see."
"How old were you," I asked, imagining the scene with rapt attention.
"Nine," she said, "I was stuck up there and didn't know what to do. I prayed. I didn't pray to be saved. I prayed for calm and I prayed to God to at least make it not hurt. That's the kind of thing a little girl thinks of in those moments. Or at least I did. I wasn't afraid of dying. I was afraid of burning. And that's when I felt him in me. I felt God."
"What do you mean?"
"It's hard to explain but I knew two things. I knew that the smoke was going to kill me before the fire did and I knew if I trusted him, he would save me. He told me."
"Like you heard a voice?"
She thought about it for a moment, "No. Not really. It was like knowledge just flooded into my mind. I scrambled to the back of the room and reached for a vent. I didn't know it was there or what it did but there was a vent you could open that would create airflow in the house by sucking air out the roof. I only found out later what it did but somehow I knew I needed to pull that cord."
"What happened?"
"The smoke went out of the loft with a woosh but the airflow made the fire roar higher. I got scared again but I felt God's hand on me telling me that everything was going to be alright. I knew if I walked down the stairs, the fire wouldn't touch me."
"Pff... okay," I said, not thinking about how dismissive that was. "Sorry... I just mean, there's no way."
"I agree. There is no way. But I did. I walked down the stairs, the fire wrapped around me. But just like Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, it didn't hurt me. I got downstairs and ran outside to my parents. I never told anyone. I knew they'd think I was crazy. Even my parents. You're the first person I've ever told."
I thought about her story. The impossibility of it. But her earnest belief wasn't something I was going to dismiss. I kissed her, "It's kind of a crazy story, babe."
"You don't believe me. I know. That's fine. But think about it, okay?"
"I will," I said and kissed her again. I was hopeful for another round of lovemaking. My wife is incredibly devout and spiritual but, thankfully, not particularly dogmatic. Sex before marriage wasn't off the table which I was truly grateful for in those days because, frankly, it was incredible.
"One more thing. I know you don't believe... yet," she added with a smile, "But I need to know that you're not going to close yourself off to this."
"What do you mean," I asked.
"I just want to know you'll keep an open mind. Maybe try out some churches with me from time to time. Okay?"
I nodded. I didn't really love going to church but I didn't hate it. Over the years, plenty of my friends had tried to convince me so I'd gotten used to it. "How about once a month?"
Karen smiled, "Plus Christmas and Easter?"
I smiled back, "Sure," I said and kissed her. We did make love again that night and in the morning. And the pledge wasn't forgotten. After we got married we tried out a bunch of different churches. Karen's lack of doctrinaire adherence meant that she was perfectly fine trying out lots of different flavors of church. She was always hoping to find one that I felt comfortable with. She prayed every night for me, often peeking out of one eye in a manner that made me think she expected a bolt of lightning to change me right in front of her eyes. We continued like that for years. We were happy but there was always this small little wedge between us. We both felt it and we both hated it but there was no changing either of us.
We moved to Seattle when we both found jobs in the area. I had just turned 29 and my wife's 30th birthday was right around the corner. We were both very happy and Karen now had a whole new batch of churches to try out on me. Some days I thought that was the only reason she agreed to the move. After about six months, she found this Presbyterean church just outside of the city. I think of it as the Goldilocks church. It wasn't a big mega church not was it a little dinky church. The congregation was neither geriatric nor were they a bunch of new age hippies. The pastor was impassioned but not fire and brimstone, us vs. them, burn the gays. It was one of the few churches that she'd brought me to that didn't make my skin crawl when I walked in. It felt like a family without feeling like a cult.
"I like this place," I whispered to Karen as we found our seats. A couple a little older than us greeted us. There were kids running around and just a general sense of community that pervaded the church.
I listened to a sermon that day that changed my life in ways I couldn't even fathom. If I'm being truthful, I don't even really remember the sermon, however. My mind wandered and I thought about all the different things that I'd seen and learned. Something changed in me during that hour and I knew I believed suddenly. It sounds cliche to say that the will of God worked its way into my heart but given what happened later that night, I think that's probably what happened.
What I do remember from the service was the pastor's closing prayer. "Lord, I don't know a lot of things but I want to know what you're willing to show me. Just help me learn how to know you, Lord." For the first time ever, I said the words silently but earnestly. They seemed like perfect words for me.
We drove home in silence as I contemplated what was happening. I was too terrified to tell Karen. I didn't want to get her hopes up in case it wasn't what I thought. Maybe I'd just eaten something odd the night before or something, right? But for the rest of the day, I felt it tugging on my mind. There was still uncertainty but now there was a quest for learning more mixed in.
That night, Karen knelt at the foot of the bed, just as she'd done every night since we'd gotten married and said her own prayers. "Lord, you know my heart. You know what I want. I pray for Danny and that you will work your will on him. And Lord, that other silent prayer that I've been saying for years. I'm ready for that too. I've been putting conditions on it and that's not right. Please Lord, I trust you completely."
That last part confused me. I'd never heard her say anything like that and never heard her pray for anything consistently other than for my salvation. She crawled up into bed, wearing just a t-shirt and snuggled up next to me. I resisted the urge to ask her about the odd addition knowing that prying wasn't going to score me any points. Within five minutes, we were having wild sex. She seemed much more relaxed than normal. Not that she was particularly restrained in bed. But our lovemaking generally followed a bit of a formula on most occasions and that night we completely deviated from it. We were rolling all over the bed, shifting positions multiple times like a porno or something. Eventually, we came together while I was slamming into her with her legs over my shoulders. We were staring into each other's eyes while she whispered, "Thank you. I love you," over and over. We drifted off to sleep feeling tired and sated but also weirdly excited.
The next thing I remember, I was in an incredibly lucid dream. I was walking along the bank of a river. The moss covered pebbles crunched under my feet as I looked down and realized I was completely naked. Somehow I wasn't particularly bothered by that. The temperature was perfect. The sun kissed against my skin while a cool breeze wicked away the hint of sweat. I could hear the river flow and the birds and insects in the forest buzzed peacefully. Something about the setting felt more perfect and relaxing than anything I'd ever felt.
That's when God appeared. Don't ask me how I knew it was him. I just knew. He wasn't an old bearded man with a robe. Nor a guy wearing a well pressed suit. Frankly, it wasn't at all what I expected. Out from the forest floated an ephemeral mixture of dust and fire and water. A swirling maelstrom confined into a vaguely humanoid body. The eyebrows were formed from small rocks, the mouth was a roaring fire. And the eyes. I swear the eyes were stars... or maybe whole galaxies.
It was magnificent and awe inspiring. Or it would have been if not for the Hawaiin shirt and Birkenstock sandals that the elemental construct wore.
"How do I look?" came a booming, commanding voice. It shook the whole forest, trees swayed and the river behind me sloshed violently.
"What?" I asked, confused and scared.
