It's midnight. Lila steps out through the front door of the small apartment lobby just in time to see her bus pulling away from the nearby stop. The next one will be quite some time, but there's no way she's going back inside. Instead, she descends the few front steps, crosses the silent street, and approaches the bus shelter in which she'll sort through her thoughts and wait. The only sound to be heard is that of her sneakers brushing over loose gravel on old, cracked pavement.
It's a cool, humid summer night in her small town. The large glass panes that make up each wall of the small shelter are foggy with condensation and dust. A simple bench with two seats is installed against the back wall, and above one seat, on the glass, is someone's silhouette. There's no one there--not anymore. But their presence, or that of many people over time, has created a vague imprint in the foggy glass.
As Lila steps into the shelter and sits in the corner next to it, she imagines the silhouette belongs to a friendly spirit; it, too, is waiting for the bus. Lila sinks down into her large, black hoodie, and reflects out loud.
"Life's rough, eh?" she mutters.
A moment passes.
"I mean, first they smile at you, compliment you, then invite you over. And then again and again for weeks."
Lila kicks some gravel. It plinks off the glass wall in front of her.
"And the whole time I'm thinking: Shit, this girl really likes me!"
She scoffs.
"Finally, I work up the nerve to make a move. She invites me over, we share stories of past crushes and flings... And she wasn't even weirded out by mine. It all fits! She must be working toward the same goal. She's inching closer to touch, to make out, maybe more!"
"She says it's been so nice talking, that it's been so long since she's connected with someone like this. Then she blushes, and lowers her eyes, you know? But, like, at me."
"So, I go for it. I lean in with purpose, with confidence--I know I'm right! I can feel it! Our lips touch, then press together, and I swear to God she kisses me back. She's wide open. But just for a second."
"Then she's leaning back. Far away. My eyes open and she's scared, even disgusted. She tells me I have to leave. She says we shouldn't hang out anymore."
"What is that? It's so stupid!"
Lila kicks more gravel, then sits in silence as her eyes well up. She sniffles. A tear rolls down her cheek. Another moment passes.
Then there's a voice.
"I'm sorry that happened to you."
Lila straightens up immediately. With wide eyes, she looks through the clouded glass into the dark street, but it's difficult to see.
"Who's there?" she calls, with a tremble in her voice. She uses her sleeve to quickly wipe away the tears in her eyes.
"I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to scare you. I...I didn't think you'd hear me."
Lila does hear the quiet voice, and clearly, too, but can't quite determine where it's coming from. It feels close, but not in any particular direction.
"Who are you? Where...are you?" she asks, still searching.
"I'm Kieran. I live nearby on Balsam Street."
Lila notes the calm sincerity in his voice. Some of the urgency fades away.
"Well, I used to," he continues.
"Okay, but where are you? You're scaring me."
"Please don't be scared," Kieran pleads.
Lila stands and tries to make sense of the moment. She makes a hesitant tour around the shelter, taking a thorough look. It's all open space in the immediate surrounding, and she can see everything under the streetlights, but nobody's there. She steps back into the shelter and, turning back to the two-seat bench, stares at the silhouette in the condensation on the glass behind it.
"I really am sorry about what happened with that girl," Kieran says.
Goosebumps appear on Lila's arms and neck. Her stomach feels like it's falling through her body.
"How...how are you here?" she asks, frozen in place.
"I don't know," he replies. "But I'd like you to stay for a while. If that's okay."
Several seconds pass before she's able to speak.
"Um...sure."
Lila robotically places her hands in the pockets of her oversized hoodie and slowly sits back down in the corner next to Kieran. She stares at the concrete. Neither of them speaks.
A car rolls by; it sounds unbearably loud. The tires crinkle and bump along the loose asphalt of the old road, and the foggy glass panes of the shelter glow brightly as the headlights pass over it. Once the car crosses them, the shelter glows red from its rear lights, then gradually returns to a dim grey. Eventually, silence.
"Please say something," Lila begs, her hands trembling. "Believe it or not, this is actually less scary when I can hear you."
"Right, yeah. Um..." Kieran starts, unsteady.
"Wait, you said you lived on Balsam, right?" she asks, grasping at something normal.
"Yeah, with the giant maple tree out front," Kieran says, with pride. "My parents are still there."
"So then...why are you out here?" she asks, too overwhelmed for tact.
"They're still sad," Kieran responds, genuinely and unphased. "It's hard to see them like that."
"Did, um..." Lila shivers. "Did you die here?"
"I did, yeah. It's okay. I was waiting for the bus. My friend Hari was having a party since his parents were away for a few days. I was jealous--my parents never leave town."
"Heh, same," Lila says, awkwardly.
"And I was excited because I was finally going to see Katrina off campus. We had physics together, but we definitely had chemistry, too."
Lila slowly raises her head and stares off in disbelief with unfocused eyes.
"Just laugh," Kieran says, playfully. He sounds a little embarrassed, too.
Lila snorts softly and her shoulders begin to relax.
"I thought we could be something together, so I planned to tell her how I felt at Hari's. I'd be cool and suave at this big, exciting house party that my friend was throwing, and she'd be so impressed and get caught up in all the fun and openness. I'd tell her she was beautiful and that I wanted her."
A gentle smile forms on Lila's face.
"I remember sitting right here, so sure that in just a short time we'd go find a dark, quiet corner and make out for hours. Hari and the boys would wonder where I'd gone, and maybe even try to find me. But Katrina and I would be hiding cozily in a closet, or out back in the bushes, under the stars."
"That sounds really nice, Kieran."
"Yeah."
Silence returns to the shelter. Another car crosses them, then disappears into the night.
"I bet she wanted you too, Kieran," Lila continues, picking at her cuticles. "You seem like fun."
"Thanks. And that girl up there made a big mistake, um..."
"Lila--oh my gosh, sorry. My name is Lila."
"That's a nice name."
Lila tugs at a loose thread on her worn blue jeans. It's hard to know where to look or what to focus on.
"So, what's it like?" Lila asks, breaking the silence again.
"Uh, pretty much what you'd expect, I think."
"Is it hard? Like...are you unhappy?"
"To be honest, that longing is one of the only things I can think about." Kieran lowers his voice. "It's kind of embarrassing. I don't..."
"No, tell me more. Please?"
"It's just...that feeling of wanting. It's still as strong as that night before the party. She's moved on now, living her life, but I still crave that closeness, that intimacy that I was so sure that we'd share. Back then it was exciting. Now it's more hopeless. Heartbreaking."
"But you sounded so full of life just a minute ago. You even had me feeling excited! Your energy is contagious, Kieran." Lila smiles warmly at the glass ahead. "I was even forgetting about my..." She points a thumb over her shoulder. "Whatever that was back there."
"Thanks, Lila. It's been a long time since anyone's even talked to me."
"Other people can't hear you?"
"Not really, no. Maybe it helps that it's so quiet at this time of night. But I don't really know how this works."
"Maybe it's fate," Lila says, casually.
"Heh, yeah...maybe."
Lila blushes, realizing the weight of such a word in his context.
"I want to ask you something, but maybe it's inappropriate," Kieran says.
