If you told me six months ago that this would happen, I wouldn't believe you. The fact that it actually is happening is completely insane. I was pretty sure I was destined for a life where a sulked about my problems all on my own. Having someone to sulk to really ruins that edgy street cred, not that I had much of that anyway.
***
Steve looked at the clock. Its blinking green face said "20:42".
Damn! Where is she? It's only an hour to go! I mean, this is our first proper date; you can't go and mess that up!
He grabbed the knife and started cutting the steak into cubes.
Oh well, at least it gives me time to get ready.
***
Where do I start? I mean, sure I could go back to the very beginning when half of me was a single sperm cell and the other half was a single egg. But then you'd have to listen to my whole life story, which is really boring as with most people's life stories. So, let's jump all the boring bits and get right into the action.
What was it, like, two years ago? Bit more now I think of it, but the exact timing is irrelevant. It was a nice summers night when I had decided to go camping; right out there in the wilderness, looking up at the stars twinkling in-between the trees. Or something like that. Really it was a bad excuse because one of my friends, my boss in fact, is stupid rich; and just so happened to own a farmhouse with a forest attached to it. He was all like "Yo, just ask if you wanna use it!", and I was all like "yeah, sure thing bro."
Anyway, back to the fun bit. There I was, putting out my little campfire and getting ready to snuggle up in my sleeping bag, when I hear a noise. I thought, "huh, that's weird. Didn't know there were wild animals around here." Meanwhile, monkey brain was like "WHAT ARE YOU DOING! GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE! WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!" Which was probably the correct reaction, considering what happened. I heard it again, it was definitely a howl (but that might be an added detail post-event). Then I saw these two glowing dots in the treeline. That was the point where I listened to monkey brain and realised, I was toast. Or dogmeat, I guess.
BAM! It jumped at me and grabbed me by the neck. Didn't even have time to scream. Then I woke up the next morning, without my jim-jams on and covered in twigs and dirt. That was the point when I wondered if what they say about cherries is true. Or if someone had slipped some grade-a acid into my sausage. That was until I noticed the tree with long claw marks on it. And matching bark under my fingernails. The fact that every bone in my body felt like it had been run over by a tank wasn't the thing that hit me first, it was the fact that I was naked in the middle of a forest with claw marks on a tree and matching bark under my nails.
But me being the ever-independent cool-dude, I followed the pawprints that led, via the scenic route may I add, to my tent. Thankfully, most of it was still there. Well, except for my snacks; they were definitely gone. And the entire side of the bag they were in. No problem though, my clothes were still there. And my car keys! Praise be, I won't have to break into my car and jumpstart it. Not that you need to know how I can do that.
First thing first, got my clothes on. Even if I've completely lost my mind and gone on a wild bender, I need to at least not look like I've completely lost my mind and gone on a wild bender. Next, packed all my stuff up. I ain't gonna litter; that's just not cool man. Unlock car. Open boot. Dump stuff in boot. Close boot. Open boot again to check your socks are all there. Close boot. Go to open boot again, then realise it's your OCD and you haven't left the cooker on. Get in car. Drive away. No problemo, right?
That was until a few weeks later. Full moon time. I had noticed I was becoming even more of an arsehole than usual in the last few days, but this was borderline "I'll murder your kids if you put two sugars instead of one." So, I took a 'holiday' for the week, thinking I was just super stressed. I mean, it was kind of true, in a way.
The moon was going to be at 90% tonight, so it was way too bright to do any telescoping. Not that I could anyway, because my head felt like it had been hit multiple times with a sledgehammer. It was so bad I couldn't even be bothered to make anything for dinner, I had a pot noodle and two slices of bread. Like, man, I've not eaten that bad since uni.
Went to hit the hay at like, nine; but no dice. The headache was even worse. And it felt like there was something underneath my skin, waiting to burst out. Fever? Worst fever I've ever had in that case. Then it happened. Well, I say it happened, but I think I blacked out with the pain, because I can't remember exactly what happened. But from later experimentation, I can pretty much guess what happened.
Every bone in your body gets longer. Some decide they've had enough and decide to go on holiday, thinking "I dunno man, I hear the ribcage is getting some pretty good rays right now". Same for your muscles, they all grow and move around to fit your new bones. Interestingly enough, new bits start to pop up here and there. Grow a tail, wondering if those bones decided to move there from your ear, giving it a little wiggle along the way to make sure it's actually attached; otherwise things could get awkward. Spine gets longer, interestingly the back seems to get longer before the front, which seems like a minor design oversight. Also, your legs. They've decided they've had enough of the standing up thing and decide to beat evolution and re-arrange themselves to be digitigrade, even though it doesn't really make much sense. But hey, what do I know?
Next stop on the line is your hands and feet. Your fingernails grow to claws that are about 4 inches long, I know because I measured them. Oi, don't laugh! I don't care if yours are longer, mine look cooler. Anyway, you need to be pretty careful with them because they're really sharp. Bedsheets, cloths, towels; big no-no. Wood, plastic, eh; you can get away with it. Concrete, brick, stone, metal; you're going to hurt yourself more than the thing you just whacked. And watch out for your feet-claws, they'll ruin your carpet and your lawn if you're not careful.
And to match those big-boy claws, you get some big-boy paws! I mean, they're like normal paws, but bigger and you've got 5 fingers instead of 4. AND you get to keep your opposable thumbs! Bonus!
Next up is your face. Or what used to be a face; but has recently been refitted with a new model snout. Included features are: extra sensitive nose, big yellow eyes (the better to see with), deluxe big ears (way better for hearing with) and some big pointy teeth (all the better you eat people with, can't say I've ever tried). And for a limited time only, you also get an extra long tongue and we're throwing in a set of whiskers, absolutely free of charge! That's amazing value for only the low, low price of your entire life and possibly sanity!
Last, but not least, hair. You think your body hair's bad? Think again, kiddo. The best way to describe it is like a Mexican wave, but instead of hooligans it's your hair, and instead of hands it's hair. Ok, it's nothing like a Mexican wave; but it's close enough. You pretty much go from baby smooth to fluffy rug in like, under a minute. It's a shame my hair is auburn, because it looks really weird as fur. Black would look way radder, with maybe a tied second for brown or white. But instead I look more like original-the-character-do-not-steal than a real dog.
After all the exciting bits are done (no, I'm not going to tell you about that bit, you weirdo.), it's pretty much downhill from there. You look at the moon, resist the urge to howl because you'll piss the neighbours off, try to negotiate the door frame because some inconsiderate twat didn't think "hey, what if a 8 foot bipedal wolf decides to move in?" What now? Whatever you want. Got for a frolic in the woods, have a catch-up with the local strays, rummage around in next-doors bins to see if they've thrown out their prize cut of steak because it "wasn't quite marbled enough; my dear Margret", or do what normal people do and watch some questionable-quality movie you found out of pure desperation on Netflix.
