The Toilet Monster

(Inspired By "Surprise" [pic] by Imagination Station/Shyguy)

by The Preve

(Thanks to Jen Lit Girl for the edit)

On May 22, two thousand and something or other, the Strassberg Company Biolab suffered a catastrophe. Eric Rodriguez, a semi-employed and extraordinarily stupid plumber, fucked up royally when he misconnected two very important pipes. The lab supervisor, an idiot by any means, fucked up royally when he botched the inspection of the plumber's work. The effect of these two royal fuck ups ensured that waste intended for the biolab disposal tanks went into the sewer instead.

The litigiously egregious lack of oversight (i.e. the supervisor's stupidity) went unnoticed for a week, until an alert young lab assistant named Herman Krump noticed the tanks had no water. He immediately alerted the supervisor (thereafter to be known as the Idiot Supervisor) who, upon re-inspection, found the misconnected pipes and promptly tried to cover his own ass. He dragged Rodriguez back to the lab, bribing him to fix the pipes and ordered Herman to keep his mouth shut. Herman was game, for a substantial raise but unfortunately for the Idiot Supervisor another assistant, a nameless backstabbing weasel with delusions of competency, alerted the Head of Division. The division head fired the backstabber, alerted the District Manager, and quietly ordered a Cleaner to kill the aforementioned weasel. The District Manager promptly alerted the Chairman, Mr Strassberg, the District Manager's grandfather; within hours the biolab was crawling with lawyers, executives, scientists, cleaners, and more lawyers.

"You fucked up royally," said the scientists.

"You're in deep shit," said the lawyers.

"You should have covered your ass," said the executives, to which the supervisor replied, "But I did."

"Can we kill him?" asked the cleaners.

"We have to find how much shit he put us in," said the more lawyers.

"Get the Auditor!" cried everyone.

The Auditor, who was not a Strassberg but really wanted to impress the family for monetary and promotional reasons, looked at the Inventory, took stock of what was flushed, and promptly told everybody, "We fucked up royally and we're in deep shit but not as deep as you think. It's fixable."

"Fixable how?" asked everyone.

"Well, and I'm sure the scientists will agree, most of the specimens won't survive the sewers, or I should say sewer. There's only one line leading from the building. All we have to do is wait and see where the shit comes up and send a cleanup crew."

Everyone exhaled a collective "Whew!" Everyone that is except Krump.

"Ah Mister Auditor?" he asked. "What kind of shit did we lose?"

The lawyers, executives, scientists, cleaners, and more lawyers stared at Krump with a collective "Grrrr!" and then looked towards the Auditor. The Auditor hemmed and hawed (Krump had really hashed his moment) and reluctantly produced a list. A bunch of genetically altered jellyfish, some mutant slime mold, a batch of liposuctioned belly fat, genetic samples from a local sci-fi fan club (i.e. geeks), sperm donations from psychopathic mentally-challenged sex offenders, and a garden slug that the Idiot Supervisor found underneath his shoe; plus some experimental growth hormone and several hundred gallons of Axe Body Spray some college boys brought to the lab as a prank.

"Does that answer your question Mr. Krump?"

"Ahem!"

"Yes, Idiot Supervisor?"

"Uh, yeah. I suggest we pump some radioactive iodine into the sewer to track the shit."

"Good idea Idiot Supervisor!" said the executives. "That's a Strassberg for ya!"

"Ahem!" ahemed Herman.

"Grrr. Yes, Krump?" growled the executives.

"Isn't that a little dangerous? Who knows how some of that shit might react to the iodine?"

"Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!" laughed the lawyers, executives, scientists, cleaners, and more lawyers in unison. "It's perfectly harmless. Don't worry. There won't be any oversized irradiated slime monsters made from mutant jellyfish, slime mold, geeks, retarded sex offenders, garden slugs, and cranked up on growth hormone and Axe Body Spray running loose in the sewer. Pour the iodine!"

No one could have predicted that these events would have a profound effect on the life of one, Eve Underwood. Actually, they were predictable but what can you say? With the possible exception of Herman Krump, everyone was an idiot.

******

Eva "Eve" Lynn Underwood was a thirty-two year old public relations representative for Strassberg Cosmetics. She had a bachelor's degree in business and the body of a burlesque dancer. The expression "easy on the eyes" was a gross understatement when one described Eve Underwood: beautiful round cantaloupe breasts, long-limbed sculpted arms and legs, curvy hips and a near perfect bubble ass, flat well-toned belly, pouty bee stung lips, China plate cerulean blue eyes, a cute upturned nose, and shoulder-length dark brown hair. She was the kind of woman a man could imagine with a name like Eve; a package built for public relations. Eve broke a lot of hearts, most of them geeks and not all of them male.

It was a June midnight. Eve had just taken a huge dump in her toilet. She had a late night celebrating a huge raise and the start of a two week vacation. She celebrated with a blowout at a club with some friends. She decided to chill at her house for a few days before heading to Cancun. She finished her business and turned on the shower. The toilet gurgled but Eve dismissed it and made a mental note to call the plumber.

The water heated as she brushed her perfect teeth, admiring herself in the mirror. She made doubly sure that her double D's were double prominent. "God I'm so perfect," she thought. "I have perfect hair, perfect boobs, perfect legs, perfect, perfect, perfect! No one can resist my hotness!" Humility was never Eve's strong point; hot was hot and there was no shame in it.

She brushed until the mirror fogged, rinsed and spit, and went to the shower (she made another note to install a shower mirror). As Eve stepped in she asked herself, "Did I remember to lock the door? Everybody on the block is on vacation so I'm alone. My house is at the end of the street and no one can see it with all the trees and hedges. The walls are thick so no one can hear me and my phone service is down. I hope nothing happens while I'm in the shower."

She let down her luxurious brown hair and stepped underneath the moderately hot (not plain hot, really now, her perfect skin would burn) spray. Eve lathered herself up, unaware of the strange occurrence in her toilet which would in turn, lead to the aforementioned profound effect.

"Plop! Plop! Squish! Squish!" Eve's toilet sat still. Then Eve's toilet began to bubble. Eve's toilet began to gurgle. Eve's toilet began to hurl. A monstrous gelatinous monstrosity vomited forth. It settled to the bathroom floor with a wet "Plop!", taking great care to close the lid behind it (a move which would have amazed Eve, and most other women for that matter). The slimy abomination squished around the bathroom shaking pieces of, well, shit off its blobby body as it passed.

Eve, soap running down her slick, nude body, was alerted to the squishing, plus a strangely familiar scent. She turned down the stream and sniffed. "Geeky man smell, with a touch of shit," she thought. Her brain flooded with memories of the dozens of geeks, nerds, creeps, and self-deluded God's gifters who'd watched too many Axe Body Spray commercials. Such creatures were generally fended off and avoided by Eve. She hoped that none of those creeps had broken into her house.

The stench was very strong. It smelled like he'd crawled through some sewage and tried to douse the smell with Axe. "What the hell is going out there?" she thought. Eve nudged the shower curtain aside with a perplexed look. Her perplexity changed to shock and horror. It was a creep alright but not the creep she expected.

To Be Continued...