Some days you want to curl up in bed and never, ever move again. And, that's fine. But, then, sometimes you need to just push. Push yourself to get up. Push yourself to roll out of bed. To brush your teeth. To follow the routine you've been following for years. There is a time and place for hiding from the world but, fuck it. Sometimes you gotta fight it.
And, yet, I still feel terrified. Standing at my front door. Purse in one hand, little lunch bag in the other. Staring at the door. Blank mind. Just. Staring. I could still call in sick; my work is pretty lenient about this kind of thing. I can feel my heart in my stomach, pounding away. I have to face it at some point. I have to push it as far as I can.
Before I can change my mind, I open the door and step into the warm, late Spring air. I shade my eyes against the sun and then head over to my old car. A little Camry my dad got for me as a graduation gift from college. It was old when he bought it and it's even older now but it runs and that's all I care about until I can afford a better one.
Look at me, distracting myself with stupid, mundane things.
Purse and lunch in the passenger side. Keys in ignition. Backing up. Driving away. All routine. Traffic on the Interstate, yelling at everyone getting in the exit lane just so they can jump back further ahead in the queue. Feeling the little anger bubble up but pushing it away.
I sneak into the office, smiling at a few work friends until I can hide myself in my little corner cubicle. It's a good place to work. Nice little mixture of honest, hardworking people and incredibly over-dramatic annoying people. I work in billing and there's already a ton of invoices and credit checks for me to run so, yay, more to distract myself.
Yes, yes it is boring. But, I like working with numbers. It's soothing in a weird way. I'm studying most evenings to become a CPA. Then maybe I can get a new car. Like, maybe a Camry that's only 6 years old. Living the life.
Phone calls. Emails. Chatting with people that wander past my cubicle.
I can do this.
Hiding a yawn behind a cracking jaw, I look at the little clock on my computer. Just a bit past three. I usually eat lunch late at my desk when it's busy and today's no exception. Honestly, I'm surprised my keyboard still works. I can see so many crumbs under the keys. I like to think bacteria are building a civilization down there. Maybe offering up sacrifices when I'm really clacking away. Trying to appease the... would I be a thunder god? Earthquake? Goddess. Whatever.
Movement catches the corner of my eye and I turn quickly. Just someone walking by unexpectedly. Nothing. Nothing unusual. And, yet, I felt a small surge of adrenaline.
I'm good. I'm still good.
I settle my black, tight ponytail behind me and lean into the spreadsheet I'm updating. It helps me focus. I need it because that little bit of energy just a bit ago hasn't left. I feel on edge. Winding and unwinding my legs together under my desk. My stockings whisk together whisk-whisk-whisk-whisk and, damn, I can't even remember what row I was looking at on this fucking spreadsheet.
"Hey Kris," Ben says, passing by my cubicle.
"Hey," I trail off, watching him walk away.
The smell. His smell. I can almost
see
it coming from him. My lips peel back and I tip my chin, nose and forehead wrinkling. Dark brown eyes dilating. I don't smell the air, I
taste
it. Pulling it into my mouth to savor it. Shivering. I can't explain it because I don't think I've ever felt this before. Never even... not even from before. It smells warm. Salty. A little sweaty. A little bitter. A little sweet.
My lips curl. I want to lick him. The thought just pops up. Licking the side of his neck with a wide tongue. I shiver again and rub my arms. My feet are pressed hard against each other. Thighs tight. I almost growl and, instead, breathe out harshly.
Bowing my head, I lick my lips, breathing deeply. Ben's scent nearly becoming replaced with the heady scent of my own excitement wafting up to me. This time I do growl. Almost. Kind of. It's similar. Rumbling deep in my throat.
Quickly standing, I make my way to the private bathroom nearby, locking the door. Staring at myself. Looking for changes. Leaning forward, staring deep into my own eyes. I can feel nearly every tiny hair along my arms. Clearing my throat with a rough cough (I can still smell him) I turn on the water, letting it run for a while.
Finger against my lips, pulling them back. My teeth still look fine. I think. I have never bothered to look at my teeth much beyond quick post-brushing until a few months ago.
My eyes. Dark brown normally but I watch a small golden streak appear in my right eye like a small crack. Heat rushes through my body from my toes to my ears and I gasp in astonishment. I feel it physically as a full body blush and my stomach clenches. Gasping, I bend, clutching the sink until my stomach relaxes. My face is burning and my ears are on fire. Looking up, more golden cracks shine in my eyes. I can't feel it happening. I also can't look away. I've never... I've never watched any of this happen.
Sweat drips from my hair as my eyes turn gold. Colors seem to fade slightly while everything takes on a slight blur. Like I need glasses. It's not bad but it's noticeable.
My blouse sticks to my sweaty back and I'm breathing quickly. Panting almost. Sweat rolls down between my breasts, soaking into the band of my bra.
And then, I gasp, biting my tongue in pain while falling to my knees. I can taste the blood but the pain in my mouth is nothing compared to the stabbing, scraping pain in my hips. On my hands and knees, tears forming at the corner of my eyes, sweat dripping to the ground, I lower my chest and raise my hips. Awkwardly. Half aware of what I must look like. The position eases the pain somewhat. Blood drips from my mouth. I can feel it now. The tips of my canines. Sharper.
The pain in my hips and lower back subsides to a dull, throbbing ache. I lower myself further, burning cheek against the cool tile, shifting my hips, rocking them back and forth. Spreading my thighs. Stretching my upper body forward until my blouse touches the ground. I claw at the ground before realizing what I'm doing. Grimacing. Groaning, I push back to my knees and sit on my heels. Something clicks quietly in my hips. I rock back and forth on my heels, feeling the little bone.
Click-
shift-
click-
shift-
click
. It feels strange but at least it doesn't hurt bad anymore.
Sighing deeply, I pull myself up to the still running sink. My brilliant golden eyes stare back at me. My lips bulge ever so slightly and, opening my mouth, I see the hint of my top and bottom fangs. Nothing that would send people screaming in a panic but possibly worth a double-take from anyone passing. The teeth around my canines are twisted to make room. No more smiling or talking today.
My ears flick as someone walks by outside the room and I instinctively sniff the air. Ugh. Seriously? Pushing aside my hair, I look closely at my ears. Are they pointed a little? Just a bit? I can't tell. But, pressing fingertips behind them, I feel something shift and move at the base of my ears. New bones or something that lets them move more freely. To focus on sounds.
I splash water on my face. And then again. The urge to just dunk my head is pretty damn strong but, instead, I just run wet fingers through my hair and down the back of my neck. I love the feel of water on me when I'm like this. Rather than drying my face off, I stare at myself again. It's mesmerizing. My eyes. My fangs. Something stirs in my lower belly and I breathe deeply. Ben's scent is still there. Fading but there. My upper lip twitches.
Is it enough? Have I pushed enough?
Still holding the edge of the sink, I lean forward, eyes closed and work my shoulders. They feel sore, as if I'd been at the gym. Muscles aching and stiff.
I stand, turning off the water. Mouth closed. Staring at myself. I'm not sweating any more and my blouse is starting to dry.
No. I can push further. I have to. I have to take control of this. Pain flares in my fingers and I hiss, making fists with my small hands. The joints are alive with pain, pulsing fiercely. A tiny stream of blood courses along the palm of my hand, too light to drip as it winds down to my wrists instead.
I growl. Deep in my throat. My ears twitch, twisting. Trying to pull back. My fangs are exposed. The skin behind my fingernails bulges slightly. A little more blood leaks from beneath them. The bulge moves forward and then stops. I open my hands, staring at my bloody palms. They're darker in places now. The skin under my fingers and palm. I rub my hands together slowly and they rasp and nearly catch.
I will push further. I'm still fine. Just a bit more.
Clear water turns pink as I wash my hands of blood. I towel off, drying my face and neck as well as my hands. When I feel presentable, I unlock the door and step out.
I'd hoped it was the bathroom that was making me uncomfortably warm but, even in the relatively cool air of the open office, I still feel flushed. With a quick glance around, I nearly run to my desk and settle in again.
I'll give myself another hour. Just that. An hour. And then I'll go and finish this out at home. That's fair. That's good. I fucking got this.
My typing is off with my bulky, awkward fingers now but that doesn't matter because I can't concentrate on the screen. It seems to be more blurry than everything around me and the colors are all weird and it strobes. Hurts my head a bit. Plus, there's so many sounds around me. And smells. Ben is in there somewhere and I can't help but breathe deeply to try to catch him again.
Small black and orange hairs push through my pantyhose, unnoticed. I scratch idly at the fabric, nearly slicing open the thin material with my nails.