I do not believe that I am a bad person, but I know that the Sisters will see me as such if this journal were discovered. Knowing all of this, I am still willing to risk it. I crave him to much and it has been more than a week since our last time...
I could almost hate him for that...but he was well worth the wait. He has the ardent gift of being a master seducer and the brilliant mind of a sexual god; combine the both of them and it was almost impossible to stay mad at him...or even to think long enough to be angry. I find myself forgiving him at our every meeting. He was just such a beautiful man.
He has one of the most beautifully masculine faces I have ever seen. A gorgeous mixture of fallen angel beauty and minimalistic charm. His waist length black hair only added to the effect. He was also blessed with a generously endowed body. He was over six and a half feet of lean muscle and bronzed skin. But it was his eyes that made him truly beautiful. They were a mis-matched...in color and in personality.
His right eye was wicked and hot. It burned with turquoise passion and ignited my own in the process. But his left eye was calm and serene. It was filled with secrets long buried...secrets that I wanted to uncover. I often found myself drowning in its violet depths. It scares me sometimes, how lost I can get.
There are moments when I wish I had never met him. It makes me feel so stupid sometimes when I think that because I know that I would never actually want to leave him and would fight to keep him with me. Its a rather intoxicating feeling to want something so much yet want to be rid of it at the same time. I wonder if I would love him so much if I didn't hate him equally so. You can't have love without hate they say...its true because you would not be able to recognize love without hate and vice versa.
I hate him for making me feel so pathetic and yet, when I'm with him I feel so perfect. Its rather strange, but I always feel so loved when I'm with him. Its only when I'm away from him that I actually start to hate him and think of how unhealthy the relationship is but then I remember how sweet and wonderful he is...and it all just seems to float away. I forget the bad things and focus on the good things. I suppose you can't have the good without the bad but I wish...
I wish things were different. I wish that he'd want to be with me every day. I wish that he wouldn't threaten to leave every time I became to interested about him and started asking questions. I wish I knew where he went to when he wasn't with me? I wish I knew when he was coming back?
There are so many things I wish for...yet I doubt any of them will come true. So for now, I'll content myself with just being with him. That's all I can do. I'm in love and I need him.
But how I hate Lucian Black.
