The Abbey of Disillusion

So through endless twilights I dreamed and waited, though I knew not what I waited for. Then in the shadowy solitude my longing for light grew so frantic that I could rest no more, and I lifted entreating hands to the single black ruined tower that reached above the forest into the unknown outer sky. And at last I resolved to scale that tower, fall though I might; since it were better to glimpse the sky and perish, than to live without ever beholding day.

― H. P. Lovecraft, The Outsider

May 29, 1933

Strange are the rhythms of the body when the mind is unsettled. I should have slept like the dead well into the day, but I awoke before dawn, watching the sun rise with a dread like that of a vampire trapped outside their resting place.

I had dreamt that I was dancing in the ominous woods under the ethereal light of three luminous moons. Amber horns sprouted from lush, curly hair which flowed down my back like a cape, ending with the last strands caressing my buttocks. My hoofs beat a jubilant ballad before the gathered centaur as I twirled in rapturous worship of her dark majesty. Claps and cheers from the adoring crowd spurred my powerful form, for I was no longer a diminutive woman but a powerful satyr, thick furry legs accentuated with a cute bushy tail. The fur tapered off while it traveled up my stomach as the sands of the shore give way to grassland. My enormous breast swayed in their nakedness as sweat dripped down my stomach and I skipped among the rocks atop a towering hill, all the while watching their leader approach.

He was a large, burly chested man, with an even larger lower body, like that of a Clydesdale. As he approached my playing ceased and others took it up, for it must never stop. I spread my arms and bowed, eyeing his growing erection.

As the sun filled my room I rose from my bed, drinking from a pitcher of water I keep before kneeling at the cross I have hanging on my southern wall.

"Father, I have failed you so much. I pray that you strengthen my resolve today as I face what we know awaits. Be with me as I go through this. Catch me if I should stumble, help me to climb back from the abyss and bring this man out of Egypt. When I succeed, I will praise you! You are worthy of all praise and honor..."

I trailed off, and thought for a moment, before asking, "Why did you make me this way, if it is so wrong? Is this the touch of the enemy whom I let take root in my life after my parents died? I swear that I want to repent but my heart craves her so strongly..."

My voice choked, and I could not continue, I let the silence of God hang in the air before whispering, "Amen."

A gentle tapping came at the door, I guessed correctly that it was Margaret, and she embraced me when she came in. "Kiss me." I told her, with which she obliged, our bodies falling into bed. She seemed to immediately understand my need for comfort and provided it with the intermingling of our bodies, arms and legs interlocking, clothes being stripped until we were pressed together, her bosom rubbing erotically against mine, the hard points of her nipples giving me goosebumps as they grazed my skin.

It is strange that I once thought it odd how some men fixated on my breast, now I wonder why some men didn't. It must be as Freud said, breast are the first object of pleasure all people know, and that is rooted deep in our subconscious, for I suckled on Margaret's breast that morning as if they provided all the warmth and safety in the world. There is certainly nothing about the nipple that is extraordinary; round, with a soft outline and hard center its simplicity belies the euphoria of taking it between my lips, and though the delicate flesh surrounding it is silk-like no pillow ever aroused my womanhood to weeping thus.

Sister Margaret allowed me to nurse at her teat for a few minutes before grabbing my hair and forcing a deep and passionate kiss against my sighing lips, one of her hands moving under the covers and her fingers working my sex. We locked eyes as I groaned against her mouth.

"Does that feel good?" She asked me.

God what a foolish question. The splendor of a woman's body, Lord I can't put into words the divine perfection you have wrought. Perhaps you've done too great a work, dear God, for surely you realized that not only men would covet the incredible contours of a woman's flesh which flow like water over a bed of stones long worn by time into absolute smoothness. That sin should follow from the desire for the artistry on display is a foregone conclusion, that men should kill one another over it, and that the bearer of it indeed should be become its victim too, ah, so inevitable, as unstoppable as the orgasm Margaret gave me like the sweetest gift on Christmas morning. All breath left my body and I feared fainting before enjoying the last echoing note that reverberated throughout my body, ringing from my sex through my tightening stomach and down to the tips of my small toe.

Margaret kissed my face gently as I came down, her tongue licking the tears from my cheeks, whether I had cried before she came in or began when she touched me I cannot say.

"What happened last night?" She asked me.

I explained the events, without going into graphic details, and Margaret sat back, a strange look on her face.

"So the Mother Superior will overlook our relations if you... perform favors for her?" She asked me.

I thought for a moment before responding, "I think it is a bit more than that, she doesn't care if we fornicate, I think such acts must be common in the abbey."

"Has she turned from Christ?" Margaret wondered aloud. "How many of the Sisters are part of this?"

On both counts I had no answer, Margaret then suggested something that shocked me, "Perhaps we should try to be accepted by her inner circle?"

I shook my head, "Dumonte said he was investigating this cult because people are disappearing, and seeing as we have no lot of men loitering on the grounds they must be..." I trailed off.

"No, I can't believe it." Margaret said, shaking her head. "The Mother Superior may be lustful but, killing people?"

"All will come to light." I squeezed her hand. "She doesn't suspect that I've found Dumonte, she just knows I'm a..." I stopped myself at the last, looking into Margaret's eye.

"Mine." She whispered, "You're mine."

Margaret left to continue her daily routine and I went about the day's work, the most important of which was crafting a duplicate of the cell key.

This process was not difficult, but I took my time, performing the work in the tool shed. The duplicate, made of oak, seemed solid. It would not hold up to extended use, but I only needed it to function once. Shamefully, I did spend a moment staring at it, contemplating discarding the fabricated key and letting Dumonte rot. The knowledge that I could be removing the one person who might condone my relationship with Sister Margaret tested my resolve. Then I remembered James 1:15, "After desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death."

"I will do what's right." I muttered, to the Lord perhaps, or just to myself.

I saw Sister West leading Sister Lillibridge across the grounds at one point and I gave them wide berth, not wanting to interact with Lily or even contemplate what her servitude to Sister West consisted of.

I spent most of the day in the fields however, working as I always do, and it occurred to me that it is only the smallest fraction of my time which I spend the most of it contemplating. For six hours after crafting the key, less than usual, I planted, yet to that work I barely paid heed, performing it automatically, with the practiced hand of years. My mind was free to obsess over the Mother Superior, Sister Margaret, and Mr. Dumonte, just as I do in this diary.

It is also no wonder if the other Sisters barely know me, for I spend much of each day in the fields around the abbey, while the women religious spend their time cloistered in prayer, or doing good works in Arkham. The small gardens were tended previously by Sister Phillips, whose family is of some importance in Arkham. I spoke with her a good deal when I first arrived, but as I expanded my work further from the abbey itself I left her behind, though I often saw her outside.

On this day she approached me directly, with a broad smile, whilst I tilled the soil. She made small talk and offered me her aid, which I accepted. We worked the earth together for a few hours and I felt as though some barrier to her opening up to me had been removed, though she made no comments of any import, though before she left we shared this exchange.

"Whew!" She exclaimed, flexing her back. "You have such stamina! I'm exhausted already. You do this every day?"

"I'm accustomed to it." I told her, "Before I left home we often worked from sun up to sun down."

"Well," She replied, "I can see why the Mother Superior enjoys having you around."

I stared at her questioningly, but she was already leaving. Was this innuendo? Had Mother Superior bragged to her about my... sexual services, or was it my guilty conscious reading into her words?

When I returned to my room I was surprised to see someone had placed several things on my bed.

There was a black dress similar to my novitiate gown but tailored to be revealing and intricate. It had lace patterns and was cut along the sides of the legs, ending above the knee. There were panties on top which confused me greatly when I inspected them until I realized that they were intentionally missing any covering for the vagina or anus. There was a perfume bottle and various other cosmetic items, including a dark red lipstick. The note was from the Mother Superior, it read: "I will enjoy your company for dinner tonight after you've showered. Please dress appropriately and come to my office at our usual time."

"This woman in insatiable." I muttered to myself as I began to prepare. After my shower I sat in my room, carefully applying the makeup I had been provided. I was certain displeasing the Mother Superior would be a terrible mistake. To my shock the door suddenly opened, and Sister West entered. She closed the door after stepping inside, reminding me of the Bishop's assumption, and she smiled at me.

"Oh my, you're a sight! She'll be so pleased." Sister West exclaimed. I was struck by the redness of her hair and realized I had never seen her without her wimple and veil. She was wearing her habit, but her head was uncovered. I noticed then the marks on her neck, great purple welts and bruises. For a moment I was struck with concern, as I forgot the abnormal mode of life she must engage in and I rose to check on her.

"Are you okay Sister West?" I asked, inspecting her neck to offer aid. In that moment I noticed among the bruises what were surely teeth marks and went silent.

She laughed though, amused. "Oh you should see under this dress, or better yet you should see under Sister Lillibridge's, I gave her a good working over but she has more to come tonight I assure you that. I expect she'll be too 'sick' for her duties over the next week. Hmm, thanks for your concern though you sweet one." She stepped forward and inspected my make up, nodding approvingly. "Speaking of which if you want to, well, make use of her yourself when I'm done training her just let me know. I reckon that she owes you an... apology."

I realized that this was a chance to gather valuable information, but before I could even ask Sister West started to instruct me. She 'warned' me that I was only to speak to her and Mother Superior openly about "the situation." Even Sister Lily, she told me, was not to talk openly about it.

"Are you having relations with Sister Margaret?" She asked me.

I remained silent, unwilling to volunteer anything she didn't know. She chuckled as she recognized this and said, "Good, you're a smart one. What you do in your room is your business, but if you parade it in front of the abbey you'll get what Lily is getting or worse."

I was overwhelmed by all that she began to describe, there is pecking order within this private sect, with the Mother Superior obviously on top. Beneath her were her women like Sister West, "Matriarchs" she called them. These women trained and disciplined the newly inducted "Wives." Below the wives, which I took to refer to wives of the Christ, were the concubines, these were the lowest and sometimes shamed Sisters. Sister Lily had now been forcefully inducted into that role through her attempt at selling out myself and Margaret. Sister West was frank in her description; these concubines were often sexual playthings of the others.

Not all the Sisters are involved, she said, although she did not say who those Sisters were. Obviously Lily, Margaret, and myself had only begun to interact with this hidden sect over the last mouth, but she implied that the greater number were part of them. "In a few years," She told me, "We will all be one family, united in a common faith."

"And I'm a 'wife' now?" I asked her, to which she laughed.

"No silly you're a concubine, obviously didn't you hear me? What best describes you?" I must have made quite the face at this because her mood shifted suddenly to be comforting.

"Now child listen, I expect you will be a wife before long and besides you're a willing whore are you not? Mother Superior was so pleased when you offered yourself up to her. Embrace what you are because we embrace you. Wear your cloak over these clothes when you go to her, remove the cloak once you're alone."

I finished my preparations and made my way to the Mother Superiors office. Somehow I felt more nervous than ever, understanding fully the scope of the great vulture in whose wings I now shaded. She was sitting at her desk in her habit reading from the tome of magical arts when I came in. There was a small table set up for us, with wine and candles, additionally a low sitting twin bed had been placed against the wall, and its blankets reflected the lanternlight in a manner which indicated that they were silk.

"Sit." She ordered me, which I did after removing the cloak, taking a spot at the table.

She then proceeded to ignore me for at least ten minutes, at which time she spoke, without looking at me, "Have a drink."

"I'm not thirsty." I told her.

She looked up from her reading and turned, slowly looking me up and down. "You look wonderful, you've prepared yourself for me perfectly, so I'll let that slide. Drink." She then went back to her book.

I gulped, my throat suddenly very dry, and poured myself a glass of wine. I thought for a moment and then poured some into her glass, carrying it to her desk and offering it to her.

"Thank you." She said, taking it without looking at me. I returned to my seat and sipped the wine for a few minutes longer before the abbess asked me, "Do you know what this tome is?"

"No, Mother Superior." I told her.

"It's the

Liber Ivonis

, the Book of Eibon. It's supposedly written by a wizard from the land of Hyperborea, what do you make of that?"

"I don't know, Mother Superior."

"Well I shall have to let you read it sometime, you can give me your thoughts, you are well read, for a farm girl are you not?" She turned now, looking at me closely.

"In the classics Ma'am, but not in..."

"Arcane studies." She supplied, to which I nodded.

"Well do you suppose they work? The spells?" She asked me.

"I don't know, I would have said no but... you have that magic stone."

She nodded, "The Torok Grubre, or little toro as I call him when I'm in the mood." She stood and began to remove her habit, what was underneath would have shocked me two weeks ago but now I took it in without blinking as walked she over to me, sitting at the opposite chair.

The Mother superior wore a white corset, her breast bulging out of the top, cleavage prominent. She had white stockings coming up to her curved thighs, her arms had ribbons tied around them, which must have been done for her by an attendant. Each ribbon was spaced about two inches apart, and tight enough that they sank into her skin just a bit, the bows faced out to her left and right.

At this precise moment, as though orchestrated, there was a knock at the door. "Come in!" Mother Superior yelled, and the door opened, I noted the faces of the two Sisters who entered, each carrying a tray of covered food which they placed in front of us. I reasoned that both must be part of the sect, or they would not have been allowed to see this.

"Thank you, dears." The abbess said, dismissing them. She returned her attention to me. "I hope you like veal." She said, and removed the silver cover from her plate, taking up her utensils and starting to eat. In truth I had never had it before, but upon my plate was a large piece of veal, as well as some corn and potatoes. I cut into the meat, seeing that it was leaking juices out copiously onto the plate as I did, and brought the pink flesh to my lips, tasting it.

"Umm," I hummed, "It's good, it's so tender." I said. The abbess nodded approvingly.

"Just like Lily last night." Mother Superior shocked me with her sudden turn to the obscene, her ability to so quickly and openly discuss such debased acts. "As I fucked her last night I thought, this girl has never worked a day in her life, like a calf, and so veal to celebrate taking her cherry is appropriate I think."

I was truly at a loss with regards to how to respond to such a comment. "Not like you at all, you'd probably be tough if we cut you up and served you, hmmm?" She laughed. "But seriously I also recalled that you have never giving away your... well you know." I knew that she only played coy and avoided saying it out loud to force me to summon up the image myself. "Is tonight that night?" She pondered, "Should we investigate the sin of the sodomites?"

I knew what the correct answer to this question was, and realized that Sister West was indeed a great teacher, for her conversation with me had instilled in me an understanding of just what my place was. I was about to respond "Whatever pleases you, Mother Superior" but I am a

willing and enthusiastic concubine

, and that is why Mother Superior is so taken with me. To seem disinterested or disdainful would place me into a lot with those concubines who needed to be forced, as Lily had been.

"I want..." I hesitated as though ashamed, and on that account, I needed not act, "...you to show me what it feels like to have my ass taken, Mother."

"Ahhh, you're too kind little slut. I am curious about something. What kind of relationship is there, between you and Sister Margaret?"

I considered lying, for I suspected she knew very little on this, but I was unsure and couldn't risk her wrath. After all sister West had seemed to assure me that I could continue with Margaret as I had.

"After you asked me to speak with her about her urges," I explained, "She... came on to me. She pinned me to the bed and made me pleasure her."

"Hmm." The Mother Superior seemed to think for a moment. "So Sister Margaret raped you did she?"

I opened my mouth to protest, "No, of course not. A woman cannot rape another woman, obviously."

The abbess had her chin resting on her fist, and tilted her head, seemingly amused, "Is that so? Didn't we rape poor Lily last night?"

"No!" I shook my head, "That was... that was..." I tried to find a defense for our actions, but recalling them, I struggled to do so. Had I helped rape another woman? Had I been raped?

Mother Superior's laughter was loud and genuine, my discomfort almost a joke to her, but as she spoke her tone became harsher. "Oh calm yourself. Sister Lillibridge received mercy last night didn't she? After all, she came into my office bearing false witness."

I swallowed, seeing anger on her face. "Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor." I said.