The shuttle from the orbital station to the meeting place extended sleek, filament wings, snap hardened them with a sweep of smart materials, and then began to drift down into the upper atmosphere of Charon. Heat began to gather on the wings -- flames licking around them, sweeping along the edges, crawling like vines. Lou watched them grow and wondered what exactly had gone wrong with his life.
Well.
Obviously, the first mistake had been being born...
He glanced over at the only other occupants of the shuttle. There was his father, the priest, his mother, Amy, and...
He blinked.
"God Fucker?"
The gangly AnCom that he had expected to be four light years and subjective years in the past grinned at him. "Hey," he said, cheerfully, then clambered to his feet, walked over and sat down at the chair beside Lou.
"What...the...what are you...
how
did..." Lou spluttered.
"Dude," God Fucker said, shaking his head. "My weight on the lighthugger was, like, a rounding error in its mass capacity. I just polled the AnCom community, didn't get enough downvotes, and I was on." He smiled. "They agreed with my reasoning: You, my dude? You need a
friend
."
Lou blinked at him.
"...a friend."
"Yeah," God Fucker said, nodding to him, before reaching into his vest and tugging out a small packet of fruity snacks. He started to pop them into his mouth as the shuttle continued its glacially slow descent into the atmosphere -- reducing turbulence by adding time.
"You want to be my friend?" Lou asked, still feeling as if he had just woke up into an incredibly surreal dream from an already surreal dream.
"Yeah," God Fucker said. "You seem chill -- like, way more chill than you'd expect for a real for honest actually fucking solid gold prince."
Lou found himself smiling, despite everything. "I'm sorry, I'll try and stick a bigger stick up my rump...I don't want to, uh, miss you out of the chance to actually get the full princely experience."
God Fucker laughed. "That's the spirit -- don't forget being spoiled. And vain!"
Lou grinned -- but a tiny, sneaky, whispery part of his brain that he didn't like started muttering. It sounded a great deal like his fencing instructor, Marc:
We Neopolitans enjoy thinking of the AnComs as a collection of useless layabouts and hedonistic fools -- but they're more than capable of every kind of human interaction that we are. Sneaking, lying, disassembling, spying, espionage. Everything you could imagine from our noble houses, you can expect to see from the AnCom. But they will do so for reasons that will seem alien or confusing, and that is what makes them so...very...dangerous.
"Seriously, though, you're willing to blow...decades of life back on Earth to just be my friend for, what, the three days before I piss off my new wife and get eaten?" Lou asked.
God Fucker -- Lou, unable to think of him like that anymore, started to drop his name to GF -- laughed. "Dude, I'm immortal. Ten years? Twenty years? Who cares -- my medichines are going to keep me going until the sun burns out, and I've got a backup that I update every week. Worst comes to worst, I lose a few days if I croak out here, maybe a few months if things go really really
really
wrong and the entire human civilization out here gets toasted, I loose a few years. That's a big chunk of time to loose, but it's not
eternity
." He paused. "Besides...you...you got seriously hosed, dude. You're going to need a friend."
Lou blinked. He...suddenly wanted to cry. He looked out the window, at the wing again. More flames were streaking along the edges of the wing -- clouds roiled past the windows. "It's not going to be that bad," he said -- trying the words out and feeling how utterly false they were.
"Dude, you're getting married to the biggest mass murderer in the entire galaxy, as far as we know," GF said, shaking his head. "...also, like, how the
fuck
did your dad even convince the Bugs to go along with this? They're a hive mind, right?"
Lou nodded. "I...haven't asked."
"It all smells like a fucking set up," GF muttered. "I mean, I know you probably think that's just some paranoid AnCom bullshit..."
"That's not paranoid," Lou said, looking at GF. His voice was more controlled, his eyes weren't brimming with tears. "Thinking three, six, ten steps ahead is what we in the Neopolitan Star Kingdom do best." He frowned and mentally kicked himself -- hard. He had been taught all the deep games and the complex strategies used by the great houses. He
knew
this. He just had to apply it to his own father and his own future. Which...he sighed. He hated it. But he had to do it.
"Oh?"
"Okay...think about it," Lou said, quietly. "How does the United Human Polities work? It's a compromise between all the factions, to keep the peace since the Meme War. That means that there are systems that keep even very small polities, like the Star Kingdom, relevant. Like, how we weight votes based on inverse populations. And the way that the biggest faction, the AnComs, allow their members to vote with other polities." He smirks, slightly. "Like, half of the Federal and Neopolitan power comes
purely
from manipulating AnCom votes."
GF nodded. "Yeah, I have a few mutuals and all they do is share feeds about the shit going on in the Federated States. It gets
wild
in their territory."
Lou nodded. "And I bet there are just as many who are fascinated by the marriages, the spying, the duels, the secret affairs..." His cheeks heated and his eyes flicked, quite without him meaning too, from GF to his parents, who were speaking quietly. "...all that stuff. Right?"
GF nodded again. "I mean, you do know the Duchess of Leone's sex tape leaked, right?"
"No, it didn't," Lou said, blushing. "It
was leaked
, I guarantee it."
"Okay, wait, Amy was telling me that you said that you royals had to be all...you know, chaste and shit."
Lou shook his head. "We're also taught about the power of hypocrisy. Hypocracy is one of the most potent human abilities in the galaxy."
"Holy shit, I thought some AnComs were fucking cynical..."
"The Star Kingdom isn't about ignoring the parts of the galaxy, about the parts of
life
, that we don't like," Lou said, his voice growing a bit heated. "We don't pack mortality into a box and pretend it doesn't exist, we don't edit our brains to get rid of stuff like guilt or doubt or jealousy. We...we just try to
be
." He blushed, slightly. "We try to use what humans are to our best advantage." He sighed, then sat up a bit in his seat, his mind whirling. "So. Problem: The Star Kingdom is on the downward spiral. Nobles and commoners alike drift to less demanding factions. Solution: Make sure that we
remain relevant
once the war is over and you no longer need a bunch of weirdos who spent their entire lives studying every single war humanity ever fought against itself out on the front lines, recreating Cannae and Dara. Nevermind." He said, before GF could even ask.
"So, this marriage shit is...a...publicity stunt?"
"Yeah, basically," Lou said, leaning against the wall. "Shit, it got
you
to fly across four light years just to get involved. How many social media followers do you think you're going to gain when you get home?"
"Dude, I'm already fifteen million up and-" GF stopped. "...oh."