Nothing to Live For?

Chapter one

"A Void"

"I fill as if I have been lost for months in my mind. I am going insane. I have lost everything and have nothing to live for. NOTHING, to live for." Lilly said out loud to her self.

These thoughts have been on her mind, ever sense she lost her husband and kids in that one instance. That one moment in time, that she cant even take back. "I lost my self, lost my life." she said out loud to her self. She has been blaming her self, even though she knows there is nothing that can take back that one fatal moment.

It all started off with her pleading with her husband to take kids and her self out for a holiday weekend full of fun. The July fourth weekend to be exact. What a perfect time to have a family get away! She wanted to take the kids and her husband camping so bad. This is something that she enjoyed as a child, and Lilly wanted to share a childhood memory with her children and husband.

Lilly was so very excited about this trip. She was so proud of her self, the trip was perfectly planned. To make her husband more comfortable and more willing to even take the trip she booked a cabin in the woods. Still camping but with some luxury Lilly thought. That would sooth his issues of using the rest room in the woods, or sleeping on the ground. Lilly laughed at this thought because, she so enjoyed camping under stars when she was a child. Well, Lilly thought to her self, I can still show them some of the wonders of the wilderness even camping in a cabin.

Lilly and her family didn't even make it as far as the cabin. Her husband decided he would drive, She didn't understand this because he always had a fear of driving in areas with mountains and cliffs because of his fear of heights. It just seemed odd to her that he would have insisted so much to drive. But for some reason he insisted no matter how much she offered to drive. This proved to be a fatal move. This is also the reason why Lilly blames her self. "If I would have tried to be more convincing, or if I wasn't so determined to go on this trip my family would still be here."

They ended up getting a late start to the cabin that holiday weekend. Her husband already being a nerves driver as it was, came around a sharp corner a little to fast when a deer, or what she thought was a deer darted in front of the car. Instead of just hitting the dear strait on, he tried to prevent from hitting it and ended up flipping down the side of a cliff, turned out to be a hill. The hill was not so steep, the car just rolled several times, from what she was told killing her husband and children on impact. In that instant her life was changed forever. Lilly lost both her children and her husband in one split second, it happened so fast. Lilly's life would not longer be the same.

Lilly was unsure of why she even survived the accident. "Why did God spare my life?" Lilly would have died for her children. "Why my children?" No one was around, no one seen them go over the side of the cliff, so she though. That is all Lilly remembered, after that all she remembered was waking up in the hospital, two days after the accident. The doctors informed Lilly of her loss. The news was so devastating that she went into a deep, dark place in her mind and would not speak or communicate with anyone.

Lilly never did returned to work at all, in fact she didn't even go to her own husband and children's funeral. Going would mean that she was excepting that they were gone, and she was just not willing to do that at this point. There was no chance in hell she was going to except they were gone forever. Her parents tried to get her to go to the funeral, but she was so far gone in that deep dark place in her mind, shielding her self, she would not listen or speak to even her parents.

Her Parents brought back sympathy cards from friends and family. She thought well at least I can just have the respect to read through each one. Lilly came across one card, she was unsure of the name, didn't recognize the name at all. It was signed Chandranath Mingan. Not recognizing the name, she just figured it was someone her husband worked with. She put all the cards a way in a box and stored it away. She didn't want to think about death anymore, but just seemed to not be able to think of anything other then death.

Along with Lilly wishing she was not alive, she was having outrageous dreams. Mixed dreams of lust and sadness. Dreams and images of wolfs and she would wake up to thinking she heard the howling cry's of a wolf. Thinking to her self, "So great not only am I drowning my self in sadness, I am also full of lust and no one to share it with, and crazy wolf dreams." Now she knows she has gone mad! When these dreams started , Lilly started getting other feelings that she would just put back on the burner and try to get out of her head.

Sitting on the edge of her bed with mixed feelings of lust and sadness, Lilly felt and empty void and an urge to be satisfied. Knowing that it was not going to happen frustrated her even more. She start thinking about those intimate moments with her lost love. Thinking of the nights that he would please her, and how she longed to be pleased again. Lilly found her self running her hand over her body, stroking her very large breast. Lilly said out loud to her self, "I am very proud of my breast they are a 36F and all real." What women paid for she had and they were all real, and very sensitive. Her nipples harden from her pinching and twisting them till they were nice and pert. Each pinch and twist would send a warm flooding feeling right down to her pussy. She could not help but groan, thinking about being touched again by a man again.

How she longed for this to be a mans touch and not her own. But her touch would have to do at the moment. Lilly's hands slowly moved down her stomach to make there violation on her already wet soaked pussy. As her hand made its way down to her soft ,smooth, shaved mound, her middle finger eased in past her silky, wet lips. The other fingers pinching her lips as her finger slid up and down over her engorged clit. Lilly moaned at the shivers that were sent down her spine. How she wish that her pussy was filled with cock. She needed her pussy to be filled to the brim with hard as a rock cock. She was so wet from the though of her tight wet pussy being filled, she then slipped in another finger trying to feel that void of needing a cock deep in side her pounding her. Lilly needed to be fucked hard in a bad way. This just was not enough. Lilly put a third finger in her soaking wet pussy and started slamming her pussy as hard as she could thinking of cock. Lilly couldn't take it any longer, it sent her over the edge, she squirted so hard her juices ran down her legs, but she wanted to go further over that edge with the lust that was coursing through her body. As the orgasm ended she laid there out of breath thinking, will I ever have someone to fill this void again?

The dreams didn't let up and they would always be the same, very choppy and always a wolf appearing. It was actually driving her nuts, and she had no clue how or why she would be dreaming about a wolf. The lust always came along with the dreams. That she didn't understand at all. These dreams didn't seem to be sexual at all but they always seemed to set the lust off in her. The animal instinct in me taking over and it would always end with be pleasing her self and thinking this is not enough.

As time passed and in the back of her mind she would always reflect on and try to figure out who seen us go over the side of the cliff. Lilly knew now one could giver her that answer, but then again she could not be sure if I even asked when she was at the hospital. Lilly spent the last nine months locked up in her room. She lived with her parents, and they took good care of Lilly. All I do is sleep and come out to barely eat and use the restroom, she thought to her self. One day she was looking at her self in the mirror and could not believe how much weigh she lost. She wanted to lose weight, but not this way. "I really need to get out of this slump, do I want to die, is that what I really want is to just die of a broken heart." Lilly said out loud to her self.

Lilly started really think she was going crazy, first the dream and now for the past several moths something has been calling her, she was not sure what it was. Those feelings that she was trying to put away and they would not leave her alone. "Lilly snap out of it, you truly are loosing your mind aren't you?" I swore I was hearing a voice, or something. Something is pulling me back, back to the cabin that cabin that I had so wished I would have never reserved. "Why should I even think about going back over there?" I thought to my self. Why because I was still curious on who pulled me out of the car? Who saved my life? Who seen us go over the cliff that day in the woods? "Like going back to the cabin would even provide any of those answers!" I said out loud, "Wow , I have really gone over the deep end haven't I?" I am starting to talk to my self, I am not going to answer my own questions, doing that would only prove that I am going over the deep end. Something that I am just not willing to except yet.

Trying her best just to go on with what life another month passed and that same nagging voice or what ever it was, it was still pulling her. "Fine, Fine, I will go back, not that it will do anything, but I will go back." It was two months away from the year anniversary of her dear husband and children's death. She figured that she better do it now, because she will not go back for the year anniversary, that is for sure. Lilly refused to put self through that agony.

To keep her self from going crazy, Lily made up her mind, I will go. She even reserved the same cabin as last time. "Was I crazy for doing that?" Lilly thought to her self. I am sure I am. I am not sure if this something was pulling me to the cabin or to where the accident happened. Lilly figured she will just investigate all areas, just to satisfy her crazy mind. Besides that I am sure a little get a way would not hurt me at all, what is the harm really? And its not like I have anything else to do. I mean I quit my job, stopped hanging with my friends, I am not dating or attached to anyone. I am sure nobody would miss me at all. So she started making her plans. Lilly found that making plans was actually taking her mind off the fact that in the next two months would be the year anniversary.

Its going to be nice to get out of this hot desert and go North will it will be cooler this time of year. Spring is such a great time anyway to visit Marble Canyon. She loved visiting all the little towns, and its so beautiful. Being able to go see the Colorado river again. Maybe even visit the reservation. Lilly lives on lists so she started one right away. As soon as I get into town, I would ask for my medical records. There had to be something on there that shows who might have saved my life. I need to know, not only to thank them for saving her life, or to yell at them for saving it. Its hard because sometimes I think I should have died with my family, it just would have made things so much easier. No thanking them for saving my life is what I need to do. Lilly just had to know, she was just so sure there was nobody on that road that night of the accident. It was so damn dark and nobody was around. Who was out there that saved my life?

Lilly's parents didn't like the idea of her going off alone at all. In the back of Lilly's mind she was sure they feared she was going up to commit suicide. She knew she was lost, but she didn't think she was that far gone to even want to take her life at all. She reassured them that nothing like that was going to happen, and she needed to do this to move on, and something was telling her, she needed to go out there. So she packed her things and went on her way. Lilly took out all the sympathy cards, and packed some thank you cards. She figured it would give her some time to write thank you notes to everyone.

It was a long drive about six hours total. Lilly didn't mind the long drive at all. It gave her time to think and how she was going to figure all this out when she got there. She thought about all the great people who wrote to her and how she needed to show them that she did care about how they felt and their memories about her family as well. So she made sure to put the thank you cards on her mental check list to do on this little adventure of hers.

Lilly left early just to make sure she made it there during day light. She just didn't want a repeat of last years trip out here. I thought to my self, my first stop would be the hospital where I was taken to. Lilly arrived there mid afternoon. She went to the records clerk asking for my medical records. The records clerk was very helpful and gave her everything they had on Lilly's accident. The records clerk asked if Lilly wanted the records from her husband and children. Lily just looked down and said that was not necessary. Lilly looked through all the information and could not find anything on who found her. She thought well maybe there was a police report? Lilly asked the records clerk if there was a police report? "I didn't see one." The clerk responded. She looked up at Lilly and told her she would look in the files of from her husband and kids. The records clerk informed Lilly that She said she didn't see one in there files, but Lilly was more then welcomed to look it over. Lilly refused the offer. This was so disappointing to her. "Miss" the clerk said, "what are you looking for in the files, exactly?" "I want to know who brought me to the hospital, who save me pulled me from the car?" Lilly responded. The clerk gave her a long intense look, "I am not sure miss" Lilly was not happy about this at all. "Its all right, thank you for giving me my files."

Ok, this just had made me mad. I am so pissed that they have no record of who took me in? And for the love of god no police report? This makes no sense at all to me. Lilly was so livid that the information in these files were no help at all. At this point in time she was just so hungry and mad she needed a place to sit and think and eat and drink. Lilly found what seem to be a cozy little dinner, it looked so inviting. She went in and found a booth in the corner. A place where she can think, look over her file once again, and see if she missed anything at all. "Hi can I take your order?" ah yes the waitress. The waitress was so sweet and very lovely to the eyes. Lilly couldn't believe that this was something going through her mind at this time. Lilly thought to her self, I have to get a hold of the lust inside me. I think the rage at this point was bring it out in me. "Miss, your order?" gosh Lilly get it together. "Yes can I get a burger the works, fries, a large soda and a chocolate shake." The waitress smiled back at Lilly. Yes I know a lot of food, but when I am angry and mad I also like to eat, Lilly thought to her self.

Just as soon as the waitress left a man turned around from the bar swinging around on the bar stool . "That is a lot of food for a little thing like you" Lilly looked up and smiled but then could not believe her eyes. The man was like no other man she had ever seen. He was simply the most gorgeous creator she had ever laid her eyes on. His eyes were emerald green, and seemed to draw her deep into his gaze. His eyes were very intoxicating. His hair pitch black, soft looking, and was past his shoulders. Lilly wanted to run her hand through is hair right then and there. He was not standing but he looked tall, oh my god he had to be at least six foot seven. He was built, he looked as hard as a rock, his muscles looked like they wanted to pop right out from his shirt. At this point Lilly's mouth just fail right opened and she thought he would have to close it shut for her.

He smiled "miss, are you ok" ok need to snap out of it again, Lilly thought to her self. "Oh yes, yah, I'm really hungry" smiling, but she could not stop starring at him. Lilly thought he noticed her being so hypnotized by him. Oh no yes he noticed. "Is this set taken" he proceeds to say to her. "Uh, um, no its not." Still staring at him Lilly, stop it. "So, are you going to tell me your name?" Lilly still staring, could manage to finally say her name. "Um, yah oh, its Lilly, uh Lilly Uhlman." could I sound more dumb struck? Great I cant even talk in the presence of a hot man. Lilly's lust was building again by the second, she thought she was going to explode. "Well Lilly, its very nice to meet you." He was smiling at her, staring her down just as much she was doing to him.

"So are you going to tell me your name at all?" Lilly thought to her self it was only fair. "Yes, my name is Chandranath Mingan, but my friends call me Chan." Lilly just paused and looked at him for the longest time. Why does that name ring a bell, she thought to her self. Lilly was so out of it she could not think at all. All she could say was "Its nice to meet you"

Lilly thought to her self, I had to get out of here, the lust was building in her and she could not take it any more. Lilly motioned to the waitress and asked her if she could get her food to go instead. Chan looked and her with his head cocked to the side. "Leaving so soon?" Lilly stared and then managed to say "Yes, I have some where I need to be, and then I need to get back before it gets to dark." As she stood up there were two men in the booth to her left, they both stared Lilly down as she left. Lilly didn't even notice them or think much of them at all, but the man, Chan wow he was something she could not get him out of her head at all.

"Oh my god she doesn't have a clue who I am?" Chan said to him self. She is as beautiful as I remember she was. It was such a horrid away that Chan had found her, but of course she would not remember him, he was in his wolf form when he found her. Her beauty is still so amazing, even if she does look a little thinner then I remember her, Chan thought. I will have to put some meat back on that girl of mine, Chan smirked. Chan was thinking about every detail about Lilly. Her hair chocolate brown and to her waist, the thought of it just made Chan want to grab her hair and pull her to him. Her eyes were big brown bright eyes, with a hint of green to them. Her skin was pale and soft and she smelled so good that his wolf just wanted to jump out and take her across the table. He didn't care who was looking at that point in time. But he managed to keep his animal back. Chan wondered if she heard his cry's for her and she is coming to him. "Chan don't be so stupid" how can she hear your cry's for her, she is not wolf, how could she hear you, he thought to him self. Chan got up out of his set, and figured he better follow her and figure out why she was trying to find him. The clerk at the hospital did tell Chan she was looking for him. The clerk didn't tell Lilly the whole truth. It may have been left out of the paper work, but the Clerk knew who brought Lilly into the hospital that day. "Could she have heard my calls?" oh stop it Chan its impossible for a human to hear you call out for you mate.

Ok Chan is in my head, I need to clear my head, why did he have to be so good looking. Ok Lilly time to go to the crash sight. She thought maybe going back there would bring up some memory of the events after the crash, and maybe who found her. Approaching the curve her stomach flipped inside out. She was pretty sure its because she is back to where that fatal day happened, but then Lilly had this funny feeling of being followed. I am being silly and over reacting for sure, she thought to her self. Lilly parked the car in the emergency pull off area, the hill didn't look that steep she thought to her self. I can climb down this for sure. And of course Lilly lost her footing and rolled down the hill. Oh the irony of it all rolling down the same hill our car rolled down. She managed to pick her self up and dust her self off. Lilly looked around and there was nobody around to laugh at her rolling down the hill. Oh thank goodness for that, I am sure I would have given someone a laugh, she thought to her self. But she still could not help but feel she was being watched or maybe followed. Just was a silly feeling she had.