The first time that I saw Mr Panda he seemed huge to me. My dad bought him for me at the state fair when I was in the second grade and he was probably a foot taller than I was at the time. I named him Mr Panda because he was a huge plush toy panda bear and Mr Panda just seemed to be a fitting name for him. Unlike my dad who moved away not too long after getting Mr Panda for me, Mr Panda was a constant companion while I was growing up.
I would often pretend that we were having picnics together or cuddle with him on days that I was feeling sad or when the weather was storming outside. As I grew older I think maybe I might have been a little neglectful of Mr Panda, often leaving him alone while I went out with friends, but Mr Panda was always watchful over me while I slept, and even though he was only just a toy panda bear, I always felt safe with him watching over me. He was not just my protector, but he was a companion when I was lonely.
I was thrilled when my mom dropped by my apartment carrying with her Mr Panda. He was no longer taller than me, I am roughly a foot taller than him now, but he was still a bit awkward for my mom to carry. I had been living in my new apartment for a few weeks and it was definitely an adjustment having a place that was all my own after living with my family my entire life. It was a relief not to have to clean up after other people or worry about coming home late or doing anything that I wanted to do without worrying about someone interfering. As great as it was to be on my own, I had a sense of loneliness too. I was overjoyed to be reunited with Mr Panda.
I talked to my mom for about an hour before she left. My apartment is only a studio, but its in midtown which I really like. Its not much but its enough for my needs and its close to everything that I like being close to. After a bit of effort I finally have it comfortably furnished. For a studio its actually very roomy. I had no problem fitting a queen sized bed, small couch, a small computer desk, and a recliner. Everything fits together perfectly. I don't have a dining room table or anything but that seems alright since the kitchen has a breakfast bar and I got some stools to sit at in case I had anyone over for dinner.
The recliner seemed like to perfect place for Mr Panda to sit. From there he could watch over me as I slept. It was nice to be with him again. He took the edge off of the loneliness that I felt after moving out on my own. I felt bad for not taking him with me when I first moved out. I know that it seems kind of silly but a part of felt like I abandoned him.
After putting him in the recliner I apologized to him for leaving him with my family. I assured him that nothing like that would ever happen again. He sat there silently looking up at me. He didn't say a word, he couldn't say a word, but he didn't have to. I could feel his doubt in me. I had let him down and he had no reason to believe that I wouldn't abandon him again. I didn't know how I could possibly make things up to him. I know that it seems silly. He is a toy panda bear, but he has always been much more than that to me. He has been a friend which is a big thing for someone as socially awkward as I am, and he is a good memory of my dad. My dad moved away when I was young and I really never got to spend much time with him. The day that my dad got me Mr Panda was one of the few happy memories I have of my dad.
I suppose thinking of my dad made me think beyond picnics and tea parties with Mr Panda. He has just arrived at my apartment. Its bad enough that I had left him behind when I moved, but I didn't want him to feel unappreciated in his new home. I imagined that Mr Panda had probably grown past children's tea parties and picnics. The last thing I wanted to do was treat Mr Panda as though he was child's plaything.
I went to the kitchen imagining that I would pour Mr Panda a drink. I looked back at him and asked him what I could pour for him. He just looked at me silently but I somehow knew. He wanted whisky on the rocks. I didn't really have any whiskey but I had ice tea. I took a few ice cubes and put them in a tumbler. I poured him a shot of my imaginary whiskey and took it too him. Somehow while I was in the kitchen Mr Panda managed to find a box of imaginary Gran Habano's. I wasn't too excited to have Mr Panda smoke a cigar in my new apartment but I wasn't comfortable telling him not to. I found myself anxious to make him happy now that he was back with me sharing my apartment. I guess it was really our apartment.
I quickly went back to the kitchen and brought back a lighter. Mr Panda had already clipped the end and placed the cigar in his mouth. As I lit his imaginary cigar, Mr Panda drew in some quick puffs from the cigar before blowing a plume towards me. I guess I deserved that for leaving him behind. I have to admit I felt awkward in that instant. Imagining I was serving my toy panda bear whiskey and lighting his cigar feeling foolish as I stood there hoping for the slightest sign of his approval.
I felt embarrassed as I stood there in front of him. He was silent as he looked at me but I somehow knew what he wanted. It was odd and he never wanted anything like this from me before but I wanted him to forgive me and for some reason, I desperately wanted his approval. I quickly looked at the playlist on my phone and put on some music that he would like. I felt ridiculous but I knew it was what Mr Panda wanted, so I started dancing for him. I had never danced for anyone before and it was horribly embarrassing. Mr Panda sat there silently, watching me while he was sipping his whiskey and taking an occasional puff from his cigar.
