This story inspired by the writings of MonikerSmith and XXXecil
Chapter 1 -- A plea answered
It must have been close to 3am, Lee looked at the clock and gave a sigh of hopelessness. He had given up trying to sleep his own regrets and misery once again overwhelmed him. Lee often suffered these moments when darkness would envelope him, forcing another sleepless night. He often laid awake reliving a lifetime of hidden suffering and struggle this night simply one of many, a never-ending cycle of misery.
Lee Thompson was a 30-year-old male, living alone in an average flat recently unemployed. Lee faced just another struggle he did not need and even more uncertainty.
Lee since early childhood realised something was different. He never did fit in and struggled to convince anyone of his masculinity. Everyone always questioned it and it was a painful struggle to pretend, to hide the truth. It was quiet clear to Lee that he deep down was in fact a girl.
For year's Lee tried to be a boy and then a man. 'Being' male was something that seemed to come so naturally to his male friends and yet it was completely beyond him, it was never really in his grasp. His male body was a prison it disgusted him his body hair, his build his own voice. Even the daily need to shave his face was just another bitter reminder of what fate had done to him. His secret was destroying him, eating him from the inside out slowly but surely. Lee knew it would inevitably make him destroy himself.
Lee listened to the sounds of night-time, light traffic in the distance and a silence from the surrounding apartments. It is so quiet outside so many people content sleeping and happy to be the gender they are. It was a peace Lee wanted so badly and yet was never in his grasp no matter how hard he tried.
His thoughts drifted to his birthday his 31st in two days. Lee did not look forward to it. Why? It was just another year of suffering from something, that mysterious something that must have went wrong in the womb so many years ago. This mistake this error trapped Lee the girl inside a male body.
Lee did not want to get up in the morning. As so often happened his thoughts would drift to what could have been, Clothes shopping, dates, dancing just being able to show his emotions. His emotions he learned early in life were far stronger than what a typical male experiences.
He could not suppress them like a real man not without great effort and despised the male taboo of showing emotions. This taboo 'he' was forced to live with even though he was not really naturally capable of adhering to it. Lee often wondered obsessively in fact, what could have been. To live his life as the girl he truly was inside he whimpered quietly to himself in misery.
Lately over the last few years, Lee has felt a growing resentment towards women. Perhaps not resentment but a jealousy a growing jealousy that often ruined his enjoyment of occasions. He often found himself reminded in the presence of a women of what he is not at least physically. The freedom to be himself denied while others could be and yet did not appreciate it. This hurt him deeply every time.
Lee had noticed over the years growing sexual urges. A throbbing sexual ache, an unfulfilled need deep down which was never satisfied and only grew worse over the years. His own penis disgusted him it was not small in fact Lee's male body was decently built even handsome. However, this only added to Lee's feeling of guilt over his struggle with this problem. No his penis his build was just another powerful reminder of what was wrong with him. His physical gender was the problem and so sexual acts as a male were often unrewarding. The male role in sex was wrong to him, it was reversed and so seemed to be missing something that failed to full fill his emotional needs.
Often dreams would be his escape in them Lee was a girl, even non-sexual dreams of just daily things Lee would be a girl. Looking at slender feminine arms and hearing his voice as a girl alone would bring great joy. Nevertheless, when Lee did dream of sex as his true gender how he enjoyed being entered to be filled, to experience sex has a woman. As a women as it should have been, to be able to not hide his emotions so much, to curl up in strong protective arms.
Lee felt himself lusting after more and more perverse female desires. He felt his being denied even a basic female existence was causing him to lust to turn into a whore inside. He felt this was corrupting his core and often his dreams satisfied these growing needs. However, the problem with dreams is you always wake up. Every time Lee woke up, he would suffer that sadness of realising it was not real. To wake up and discover his prison is in-fact reality causing another piece inside him to die forever.
Tonight was different, Lee did not want to get up any-more he was tired of life this existence. He wanted to give up the struggle. To face another day like this was a nightmare to him. He stared at the ceiling suicide had begun to creep into his mind lately.
It was not that hard, just step over the rails and let go. It will be quick and he will be soon free. However, what held him back?... Lee did not want to inflict this pain on his mother or his sister. However, he knew deep down he was growing ever closer to not caring any more even about that. The pain simply was just becoming unbearable. The misery was overwhelming a struggle he considered he had lost already and was just too much of a coward to end it.. until now it seemed.
