CAUTION: This is a completely unbelievable, profane, fantasy romp. All characters are unfortunately fictional, as are all the events. DISCLAIMER: These are plot laying, story building chapters, with unfortunately little nudity or even profanity. For all those in favor of rampant sex, tough, this is it. As always, enjoy!
*Sheepish author comment: Sorry this installment took so long, but I've been battling with work deadlines! (whimper) However, I shall persevere (!) and more will be on the way soon.
Chapter 5
1
Unlike much in my life, this situation was entirely unique. I had never had one of these before. Yes, I had woken up in a bed before, yes, I had been sleepy and befuddled before. Yes, I had dreamed before. But, while I had dreamed of nasty things, such as running naked down my high school corridor with the principle standing at the end, or of being entered into a beauty pageant, or of loosing one of my favorite books, or of my parents not getting divorced and me having to hide in the attic again to escape the fighting; oh yeah and my personal favorite, all my teeth dropping out, this one I had never had. So yes, I had had nightmares, all the time and especially when I was stressed; but I had never, never, never dreamed of killer corsets squeezing the living breath out of me. I mean, when does something like that ever happen? Maybe I should have classified that, when does something like that ever happen to me?
It is true that many experiences in life are unpleasant. It therefore follows that many new experiences in life must also be unpleasant. I had come to terms with this. I had expected life, at unfortunate twists and turns, to creep up on me and slap me in the face with new, unprecedented, unpleasant experiences. However, I had fully expected that life would follow the rules of my life, and slap me with something understandable. Like my favorite bakery re-locating to the other end of town, or a dog biting my leg, my best friend snogging my date on the dance floor or other unfortunately painful but not deadly events. If the event in question had to be deadly, I had always reasoned that the most probable circumstance, would be along the lines of being flattened by a runaway bull. Tragic, but would still have people laughing, especially as I never expected anybody to miss me.
As I woke up, with groggy reluctance, I swore I would never underestimate life again. I figured, with all the things that had been happening to me, that life had taken me as a personal affront and was making it her mission to spice me up a bit. Whether this was to make me look better, or to prepare me for consumption, only time would tell, but I figured I was game for whatever was in store. After all, I could definitely be expecting a more interesting time of things, right? Uhhh, early morning optimism really, really, made my head hurt.
"Oh, Lady Alice, you're awake! I'm so glad, would you like some breakfast? Orange juice? Tea, muffin, scone, brioche, coffee??? Anything?"
I must have groaned and Myra, being the attentive girl she was, must have heard and decided for me that I was awake. Considering the pounding taking place in my head, I didn't want to agree with her, I just wanted to croak. I felt like I had invited a party of jack hammers to partake of my head for a jamboree, in other words, I felt like hell warmed over. This I concluded, somewhat spastically while pressing my fingers delicately to my eyelids, must be what the aftermath of sin sex and too much drinking was infamously supposed to be like. I had always wondered why anybody partook of that particular concoction, I concluded that I still didn't know, especially when all it took for me to feel this bad, was a little bit of sex and only a smidgen of sin.
I waved my arms around pathetically trying to defend myself from a passionately enthusiastic Myra and the sensory overload that was making my head swim like a pack of rabid Pomeranians. I did not want to know the things that I was knowing. I mean, who would want to feel the deep guilt of a completely innocent Myra, the desperate cold loathing of a sulky Rosalia, while listening to the heated conversation of the three men in the adjacent sitting room? Wasn't that taking spying just a little too far? Besides, I didn't want to be a spy! And... apart from knowing that nobody in the near vicinity wanted to kill me, which was mildly comforting, what did I need all this information for? Not to mention, how in the holy f-ing heck was I getting it? I had managed to ignore my budding weirdo senses the day before, but now, oh boy were they making me wake up and smell the garlic. Which I did, cook was definitely a lover of garlic, chilly and cayenne pepper. Oh, and we were having some kind of pork for dinner, basted in red wine sauce and something or other.
I groaned, trying to muffle my super-irritating senses in my pillow, my arms clamping protectively round my head and my body shuddering delicately under the covers. I must have made a pathetic picture, for I could feel Myra's worry, she was in the process of wondering if I was going to conk it while in her charge. No small wonder she was worried and scared.
"Myra," I mumbled, my head still obstinately buried in my pillow, "for the love of all that's dear, please stop hovering!"
My failure to play nice was adding heat to the simmering pot that was Rosalia and I could feel how much my comment had upset Myra. Sometimes I hated myself for not being more sensitive, and sometimes, like now, I hated everyone else for being so blasted sensitive. Couldn't a girl be grumpy when having just woken up? Couldn't a girl be grumpy when someone had just tried to kill her, she was experiencing worrying symptoms of weirdhood, and she had just woken up? I felt like getting really grumpy and upset, but unfortunately, my head just hurt too damn much. So I settled for groaning under the covers like a wounded fluffy monster.
"I'm not just going to stand and take this, any longer!"
Uh, as if I needed her to vocalize her feelings in that irritating tone, Rosalia-my-love strikes again. I wondered if she really was the only one that mattered in her world. She certainly behaved like it, it made me feel sad for Cesar, and angry at the stupidity of my feather-brained paladin. Couldn't the boy have had taste that was a little more discerning? Weren't there any nice and gorgeous girls were he came from?
"You," she screeched, the decimal was impressive, but I was wincing too much to appreciate the effort involved "are the most infuriatingly rude person..." she chocked "ever!"
I wondered why people in Angel's Peak seemed to find swearing at and maligning people difficult to do. Anybody worth their salt and past the age of twelve could do a better job than that. Maybe Rosalia felt she was just too high and mighty to give me a good cussing out. With my head pounding like a jackhammer to a woodpeckers dance, I felt no compunction to curb my tongue; I would say what I wanted and fuck the consequences. My resolve lasted all of thirty seconds, speaking would require energy and movement, two things not high on my to-do list; so I flipped her the finger instead. I heard her gasp, speechless, and then smirked into my pillow as she stomped out of the room. Served her right for looming over a person in my condition and what a condition that was. My body was starting to send me status reports and the news was not good. I hadn't damaged anything or more correctly, I had fixed what had been damaged, but in doing so I had knocked out my energy reserves and was now running on empty. I seriously needed to recharge, and that meant going and basking in the sun while devouring vast quantities of cherries. I didn't bother wondering why I suddenly had an energy level, let alone one that needed to be charged in such a peculiar manner, I was too tired to mount an investigation and so decided to just accept things and get on with it.
"Myra," I gasped, "would you be a love and give me a hand?"