I used to think my world made some basic, normal sense. You are born basically the gender you die with (although, no, hah, not really, I guess) and, well, science. It works. The science. There's nothing strange or unusual in the world and karma doesn't exist. Neither do ghosts or witches or things that go bump in the night.
The world was plain.
Now, here I am, in my bedroom with a man and a woman that I turned into werewolves. I am a completely different person -- a woman now rather than a man. Oh, and a werewolf, as well. And not just a female version of myself but a completely different person. If that weren't enough, the reason I'm getting dressed is to meet a person in a park -- a person that somehow hypnotized a squirrel into delivering a message.
It's hard to live in a world like this. It's difficult to stop and think about things because I think if I did, I'd go slightly mad. What else is different? I met other werewolves today so there's that. Elaine, Stephen and I are not anomalies. Are there vampires? Witches that escaped the pyre back in the days of pilgrims? Ghosts? A heaven? A hell?
See? Maddening.
One step at a time.
I send Stephen and Elaine out of the room so I can think. I can hear them chatting quietly in the living room. Elaine is haltingly describing what it was like from her side of things. The flash of memories she has from her change. What it felt like to be semi-conscious when it happened and the pain and feeling of loss when she reverted. Stephen gently asks a few questions but otherwise lets her talk it out.
I feel like an outside and it is a painful emotion. How long has it been since I've taken a moment to myself since I've met both of them? How long since I've stopped to breathe? To think? My bedroom is in disarray. My life is in disarray. I don't know what I'm going to do about work and how I'm going to explain things or whether I'm even going back. And, if I don't, what happens then?
Who am I now? The events of the past few days suddenly crash into me and I sit heavily on the floor with my knees up. Becoming a woman. A werewolf. Meeting Elaine and Stephen. Changing them. Not just physically but, mentally. All of us. The other werewolves and my near death experience. This new thing - the note. I've just gone with it. I've just let my emotions and instincts take over. I let myself be dragged along by the events. I took everything at face value and let myself go. My head throbs and I feel a lump in my throat. I can feel the tears threatening to come. I never used to cry so much but, then, my life has been fairly mediocre and standard. Nothing much to cry about. No world changing events or anything. Good parents and a simple life.
I run my fingers through my thick, long hair as I breathe steadily, head down. It's not my hair but it is. It's not my body but it is. But, it's not. My skin suddenly crawls and I shiver from it. I have an intense feeling of being still male but wrapped in a female body and it's an alien, stomach-twisting feeling. I don't just mean mentally, either. I actually have a near physical feeling of still being male but surrounded by female flesh. The world swims around me and I hug my arms around my knees into an almost fetal position. My fingers grip against my hair and I feel the sharp pull at my scalp.
I have doubts. Serious doubts. I have an accounting degree. I do okay with my brain and I have some street smarts but the enormity of the situation is now staring me in the face.
What have I done to us? What has this done? I saw two people I was attracted to and I thought that's all it was. Now? They're constantly in the back of my mind. And I feel the presence. The thing. The wolf hiding in my mind. Quiet but watching. A shadow hiding in the whispers of my thoughts. But a real thing that didn't exist before. Both Elaine and Stephen are there with me mentally, too. I feel the pull of them. I feel the weight of their existence on me and Elaine's smiling face immediately comes to mind with Stephen's grim yet amused visage behind her. The shadow of the wolf murmurs 'pack' but all I feel is love and my heart skips a couple beats.
Why? Yes, Elaine is fucking adorable. And Stephen... Stephen is a rock. I haven't had a chance to spend much time with him but I feel his deep strength. And that's it. That should be it. They are amazing people and I can't believe they're in my life but that should be all it is. Instead, I feel this deep ache and I want to go out to them. The wolf stirs, standing, making ... her? It feels like a female wolf. Is that weird? Making her presence known. She's a pressure at the back of my skull and when she speaks, she growls. 'Pack,' she rumbles at me, louder now. Her presence isn't just for show; I can feel a surge of confidence and aggression and baser emotions flood through me. Because of her.
It was here that it happened. I can still smell our scents clearly. It was here that they changed first. Stephen's mind slipping as he stared in confusion at the condom packet, no longer sure of its purpose. His naked cocking shining in the air, inches away from my wet female sex. Where they barely remember any of it, I can see it clearly. I can remember it all and picture all three of us as if I were a ghost hovering in the corner. I can still feel the raw ache of my woman's body - the need to be filled. I grit my teeth against the memory of it and my pussy drools. Elaine's lithe body twisting and reshaping while Stephen struggled with the sudden male urge to dominate and mount the female - me - in front of him. The wolf growling loudly in the back of my mind as I put him in his place. It's all clear.
I squirm a bit. I can't help it. It's an itch I want to scratch but I can't right now. I won't. The wolf prowls in frustration. It's all so simple for her. There's no confused love and loyalty. There's no feelings of shame over basically mentally raping two people. She knows who she is. It's all base emotions. I'm left with the rest of it.
This body. This amazing body. That's part of the rest of it. Still sitting with my knees up, I look at my hands in front of me. Long, strong fingers that are still recognizably feminine. My nails are strong and clear. No hairs anywhere and a few freckles randomly doting the backs of my hands. No hair on the palms. Ha-ha. I used to have a lot of freckles on my hands and fingers. It's all changed and different. The feeling of riding in the woman's body rushes through me again and I frantically push it away. Strong. So strong. And healthy. And sexy. Everything.
And still cowardly. Still me. I should talk to them. I should apologize for what I've done to them. Stephen... Out of the two of them, he has to have been hit the hardest. His strength and stability has anchored him but also makes it harder for him to change. And now...
There's a knock at the door. I know it's Stephen before he speaks. "Hey, we're going to have to go soon if we want to make it on time. I thought we could walk since it's a nice day. Just whenever you're ready."
Of course, I think. Whenever I am ready. Me. I sigh as quietly as possible and my voice, still odd to my ears answers him. "I'll be out in a minute or two." He leaves without responding.
Dressed. Shit. There's that, too. Clothes. Elaine's enthusiasm and the brightness and promise of a new day have worn off. I look over to the floor near my closet. At the thrift store bags. Dresses and skirts and whatnot. Women's clothing. It's like... like those times when you're doing something (drunk or not) and it seems like the most reasonable, awesome thing ever. And then it wears off and you're stuck wondering what the hell you were doing. It's wrong. It feels wrong. I can't go out like that. I can't go out in women's clothing. I have visuals of people pointing and laughing while I shamble along in a skirt. Laughing at the pretend woman. They'd know. By the way I walk or talk or some other little thing that tells them. They'd know.
Deep breath.
