Home for Horny Monsters

Hi all! I haven't seen you all since last year! (Okay, lame new year joke out of the way)

Welcome back to the next exciting installment of Home for Horny Monsters! If you are new, you have 48 chapters to catch up on, and you are gonna want to get on that, because the backstory is rich, the characters are diverse, and there is enough nudity to ensure that this story will never be on Oprah's book list.

Returning readers, welcome back! It's a new year and I wanted to start off strong with a little story about that one time that Beth and Mike wandered off to the faerie world and made all sorts of new friends before... well, the events of last chapter.

My schedule is gonna be a little slow the beginning of 2020 on account of real life stuff and another side story that will eventually make it's way to Lit like Last of Her Kind did. However, I am fucking motivated to make this year my bitch, so let's all hope for good things :)

As always, don't forget to rate the story, make a comment, or send me a nice letter. I read them all and use them to keep getting better at what I do.

Now let's get this show on the road, shall we?

Five Minutes Ago

"You take me to the nicest places," Beth said, stepping over a small, mossy rock.

The world around them was dark, and the light from their cellphones poorly illuminated the forest floor. A breeze had formed as the cool, night air of Ireland blew through the portal into Mike's front yard. The portal had been chewed into the inner wall of a crumbling home out in the woods, obviously long forgotten.

"I do my best." He stepped over a large rock and offered his hand when she stepped over. "There's a depression on this side, hard to see."

"It's not that—"

The depression was deeper than expected, and she lost her balance. When she tumbled forward, Mike caught her effortlessly in his arms. Her feet dangled above the ground, and he quickly set her down and cleared his throat.

"Sorry. Should have warned you better," he said, then knelt down. "So how big is this fairy ring supposed to be? I can't see anything. The ground is the same color everywhere."

"Reggie said it was a short walk from the portal." The fairy ring in question was actually a ring of mushrooms that was supposed to be a portal into the faerie realm. The rats had struggled to track one down, but Reggie's best scouts had managed to find one that wasn't an hour away from somewhere they could chew a portal to. "It should be up ahead any second now."

"I hope so." He stood back up and rubbed his stomach. "That's weird."

"What is?"

"Just an odd feeling. Almost feels like a gas bubble in my stomach."

Beth chuckled. "Are you nervous to meet the queen?"

"What? No, not that." He twisted his body around and then walked in a circle. "It keeps moving. Hold on." He patted his belly, shifted ninety degrees, and patted his side, then pointed in the distance. "It's pointing me that way."

"That's not where we're supposed to go." Beth pulled up a map on her phone. Her reception was poor, so she had to wait a bit for it to load. "There's not much out that way except... oh."

"Oh?"

"Remember some of that extra land you own?"

"Not really. Too busy trying to keep up with my magic house."

She laughed. That was fair. "You've got some land holdings in Oregon, Hawaii, and here, actually. This one is interesting because it's actually a small island with a castle on it."

He paused. "I own a castle?"

"Well, I mean... what's left of one." She had seen the pictures. It had been abandoned for centuries. "Might be worth looking into after we get Cecilia back."

"Oh man. I own a castle." He just shook his head, his eyes on the ground as he kept walking forward. "You realize it's probably the entrance to a dungeon or a tomb, right? Or maybe a dragon lives in it. How the hell would I even manage to take care of that?"

"You're putting the cart before the horse, aren't you?"

Mike was mumbling now, his voice barely legible. "I mean, what do we even feed a dragon? Does it like fish? Cattle? Virgins? Would it fight with the Jabberwock if we brought it home? I don't have the energy for that. Good god, if it eats, then it shits, right? What the hell do I do with dragon shit? Rent a dumpster and fill it with cat litter? Scoop the damn thing with a front... hey, found it!"

He lifted his phone, the circle of light moving forward on the forest floor to illuminate a circle of mushrooms.

"Okay, this is kind of cool." Beth paced the perimeter of the faerie ring. It was a perfect circle, nearly four feet across. The mushrooms were perfectly shaped and looked like dented bells, each one leaning slightly outward. "Just think, this is a portal to another world!"

He smiled at her. "I'm glad one of us is excited."

"And you're not?"

"I'm still recovering from the last world I found." He moved to stand next to her. "At least I know what I'm getting myself into."

"Hey, you've got the world's best damn estate attorney with you this time." Beth checked her messenger bag, then turned off her phone and tucked it away. "I'm ready when you are."

He took a deep breath, then released it, a wisp of fog leaving his lips. Once his own phone was off, he tucked it in his pocket, then reached out to take her hand. The world was dark, with only the faint glow of the stars up above to guide them. He stared intently at the ring, saying nothing.

"You okay?" she asked.

"Just nervous."

"Yeah, me too." It wasn't every day that she got to step into another world on purpose. "On three?"

"On three," he agreed.

She counted, and on the number three, they both stepped into the ring. According to Ratu and Sofia, one of a couple things could happen. They could fall an undetermined amount of feet and land unharmed. They could find themselves in the middle of a raging faerie party. They could even find themselves lost in a foreboding mist. No matter what happened, they needed to remain in contact with each other to avoid getting separated. The last thing they needed was to end up hundreds of miles apart.

Nothing happened.

"Am I missing something?" Mike looked over his shoulder, then forward again. The forest was unchanged. "We're in the same place."

"We shouldn't be, but..." Beth pulled his hand, leading him out of the circle. "This looks exactly the same as it did. I don't understand."

He kept his hand on hers while kneeling down. The faerie ring was gone, and his hand tightened on hers almost to the point of pain. "We need to get out of here," he whispered, scanning the forest.

"Which way?" she asked.

"Um..." He looked behind them at where they came in, so she did too. The silhouette of the abandoned home they had come from was still there, but it didn't look quite right to her. Logic dictated that they should probably go back through the portal and check in with the others, but the very thought of moving toward the crumbling structure made her nervous. Whatever Mike was sensing, she felt it too, and the feeling of being watched was worse in the direction of the rundown building.

He coughed into his hand, but tugged on Beth's arm in a direction opposite of the house. A trap had been set, she was sure of it, but where? Did he know?

"Ack. My throat feels so dry. Do you have any gum or something?" he asked.

She couldn't see his face in the darkness, her mind busy processing what he had said.

"I think I might," she answered, reaching into the messenger bag. "Requests?"

"Whatever you have on hand is fine," he said, then gave her arm another quick tug as a warning. When he broke into a run, she was right behind him, and the silent forest came alive with the sound of flapping wings and animal cries that sounded like screams that rushed toward them. Tree branches whipped across both of them, and Mike slapped them out of the way with his hand, then reached into his jacket pocket.

Always the boy scout, he had brought along an ultra-bright LED flashlight, and once it was in his hand, he turned it on. The cone of light lit the forest ahead of them and sent dozens of shadowy creatures fleeing on contact.

"Holy shit!" Beth cried. She had turned her own phone back on and was using the flashlight on it to see what pursued them. A boiling mass of darkness had scattered, flying through the trees around them and moved ahead to cut them off. Mike put the butt of the flashlight in his mouth and got out his phone and turned on the light and held it out.

The shadows looked like birds at a distance, but as they jogged and kept their lights turned on, it revealed them to be whisp-like shadows that shrieked in agony when the light hit them. They swept their arms around, chasing them away when they drew close, their shrieking voices tunneling into Beth's head like iron spikes. Their sharp fingers grabbed hold of her more than once, and she chased them away with the bright light of her phone.

"Okay, they're afraid of light, but I have no idea what to do." She told him after sending a shade with dagger teeth back into the woods. It was a struggle to keep up with Mike. If not for the fact that he was pulling her, he would have long ago vanished.

"Keef ooving," he said around the flashlight, chasing off another cloud of birds. They had clearly stumbled into a nest of whatever these things were. Sofia had made her memorize a list of common faerie creatures before they left, but she didn't remember anything about evil birds.

They broke into a tiny clearing, and a small building was illuminated briefly by the light in Mike's mouth. It was an old shed, covered in moss and creeper vines and built into the side of a hill. He shoved the door open with his elbow and pulled her inside. She shined her light across the room while he shut the door and put his back to it. The building was still in one piece, and was full of abandoned farm implements.

The shrieks from outside rose in volume, and a heavy weight slammed against the door.

Beth let go of his hand and ran to the other side of the shed, looking for something to help.

When another impact hit the door, Mike spit his flashlight into his empty hand. "Nobody's home!" he shouted, shining his light over his shoulder.

"Here!" Beth returned with a shovel, which she used to shore up the door. The shed was small enough that it was easy for her to drag over a table and a small pile of firewood, doing her best to wedge it in place where she could.

The shadows howled at them from outside, and Beth switched places with Mike so that he could push a large barrel she had been unable to move across the dusty wooden floor. It was heavy, and made a loud scraping sound as it traveled across the shed. Once pushed into place, the door wiggled no more than half an inch when the spirits slammed into it.

"This is not what I expected," he muttered, then turned off his cellphone and put it back in his pocket. He sat down and leaned against the wall.

"I'm curious what you were expecting," Beth said when she slumped down next to him.

He chuckled. "A lot more glitter, fewer evil birds. Any ideas?"

She shook her head. "None. You have no idea how glad I am that you found this place."

He patted his belly. "Felt like I was going to puke back there. Those things meant us so much harm, it was nearly overwhelming, so I followed the path with the least amount of queasiness." Mike stood the flashlight on end, letting the glow light the shed. Beth's hair was already out of place, and she had a scratches along her arms and cheeks. "Were those from the branches?"

"Nope." She showed him her bicep. The scratches came in patterns of three. "I felt like an idiot whipping my phone back and forth while trying to keep up with you. Glad I didn't wear heels."

"Do you think I should have thrown my buttons at them?" He pulled the buttons from his pocket. "Dana was doubtful they would do anything, and now so am I."

Beth let out a deep breath. "You ever eaten a handful of nuts? I knew this girl in college who ended up in the hospital because someone handed her a peanut butter cookie. You just have to think of our faerie defenses as allergens, or something like that."

"Do people allergic to buttons use velcro?" He held up one of the buttons. "I actually have a vial of glitter on me. Might toss it out there and see—"

The walls rattled, and he pictured the shadows crashing into the shed from all open sides.

"Thank you, Farmer John," he whispered, his eyes on the walls. Though the building was old, it held up to the abuse of the shadows.

The hours passed largely in silence as the shadows beat harmlessly at the sides of the shed. Neither of them was able to sleep, and the sounds finally faded when the light of dawn broke through seams in the wooden planks that made up the wall.

"You think they're gone?" Mike asked, pressing his face against the wood.

"I hope so." Beth rubbed her throat. She was thirsty but had avoided drinking from the water bottle she brought in case they got stuck for much longer.

Both of them watched the forest through the slightly separated slats, and after a good ten minutes of nothing to see, they agreed to unblock the door. Once they were outside, Beth scowled at the large tear in the side of her dress.

"I didn't even think to bring a spare." She let out a miserable sigh.

"Well, let me know if you lose a button. I can help you with that."

"Oh? You carrying a needle and some thread on you?"

"Actually, yeah." He turned to look at her. "Apparently some fae are super obsessive-compulsive. I toss the needle into a field of grass or some hay, and they'll stop to go find it."

"And the thread?"

"Tie some knots in it and they'll want to undo them. Most of my faerie defenses are based around the idea that they just can't leave things alone." He pulled out a small, clear bag with black thread and a pair of needles inside. "We could try and patch your blouse if you want."

She shook her head. They had more important things to do than worry about some holes in her outfit. "Let's try and get our bearings. Maybe get away from here before those things come back."

He nodded, and they wandered. After almost half an hour of walking, the forest woke up, filling with the sounds of birds and insects. After an hour, Beth couldn't help but drink most of her water, she was simply too thirsty.

"You okay?" he asked her.

"Yeah, but let me know if we come across a stream or something." The water in the land of the fae was supposedly safe for consumption—it was only food or drink prepared by the fair folk that might keep them trapped. "You... still have water to drink, right?"

"Hmm? Oh, right." He stuck his hand into his pocket and pulled out a small, copper tube.

"What is that?"

"Meant to tell you, but forgot about it when we were about to get murdered." He unscrewed the cap on the tube. "Ratu let me borrow it. Holds ten gallons of water, so if you're—"

She snatched it out of his hands and tilted it up. Cold water ran along her cheeks as she spilled some of it, but she didn't care. After drinking her fill, she handed it back to Mike and let out a sigh. She was already feeling a lot better.

"I've also got a few of those weird food bars from Zel in case you're hungry." He held one out and Beth took it.

"It doesn't... I mean, what's in it?"

His cheeks turned beet red as he retrieved another. "Nothing weird like that. The centaurs have been mass producing them while getting their gardens up and running, so that's mostly nuts, berries, and maybe eye of newt. Each bar has your calories for the day, but it won't fill your stomach very well."

"Thank you." She pocketed the bars he offered, and watched while he drank from the tube. "So any idea about where we go next?"

"Nope." He rubbed his belly. "My danger sense is absent, so we pick a direction and go. The fae court lies at an intersection of rivers, so we can always do that."

"I feel woefully unprepared."

He nodded. "The expectation was that we would at least land somewhere with some locals and go from there. I don't like the fact that we got dropped in the middle of nowhere."

Beth looked around at the surrounding woods. It did seem a little too convenient that an ambush had been sprung so soon after stepping through. "You think someone told the queen we were coming?"

"I'm suggesting somebody gave her a heads up." He narrowed his eyes in anger, but only for a moment.

She sighed. Sulyvahn didn't seem like the type to do such a thing, but her fascination with him was easily swaying her opinion. They had built the shed in plain view of the dullahan, and no doubt he had seen exactly where it led. It would have been easy for him to get a message back to the queen, and if that was the case, maybe it was better if they went home and came up with a different plan.

"Do you think we should look for a faerie ring to get home?"

Mike scowled for a moment, and then relaxed. "I mean... we can. Might end up somewhere random, but we can call Dana and have the rats come get us." He let out an exasperated sigh. "If she even receives the call. She's been spending a lot of time doing a project for the centaurs, and she's really the only one we can call. Do you know what that means?"

"I... no, I don't."

"Means we need to start a family plan or something. Get a phone for the house, one for Tink so she doesn't take apart the house phone, and maybe one for Yuki... wonder if Abella wants one? Gonna have to disable app purchases on all of them, though," he muttered, his brow furrowed in contemplation.

Beth laughed. They were in the middle of faerie territory, had just avoided being murdered by shadows that looked like birds, and he was worried about cell phone plans. "C'mon, let's pick a direction and start walking. We might get lucky, after all."

"I could use a little luck," he grumbled, but followed behind her with his hands tucked in his pockets. She tightened her messenger bag to keep it from bouncing against her hip so much and took the path of least resistance through the trees.

The further they walked, the more the forest came to life. Little white flowers grew amongst the mossy floor, opening to reveal multi-colored petals as the sun climbed higher into the sky. Tiny motes of light danced amongst the branches, but neither Beth nor Mike could communicate with them.

A break in the trees came, and when they stepped beyond the forest, Beth gasped.

Emerald green hills went for as far as the eye could see. The forest lay along the edges, and wherever the wind caught the grass, it looked like waves in the ocean. The sky was bluer than she had ever seen, as if a canvas had been soaked in paint. Along the hills, a large herd of white deer was spread out, each of the males adorned with a giant set of antlers.

"Wow," Mike whispered from behind her. "This place is amazing."

She nodded, her eyes brimming with tears. It was almost too much to look at, and she wiped her eyes with the palm of her hands. Somewhere, in the distance, she heard the sound of music, and the air smelled faintly of apple pie.

A distant hill shifted, turning in place to reveal that it wasn't a hill at all, but a hunched over giant with moss growing up its back. The creature took a few steps, then settled back down to blend in with the landscape. A couple seconds later, the air rumbled like thunder, the sound finally reaching them.

"Well, if I wasn't hesitant about crossing this before..." Mike just shook his head. "I hear music. Should we go check it out?"

Beth nodded.

They stayed along the treeline, the music gradually growing louder. It was a symphony of flutes, and harps, and definitely some drums. It was a familiar tune that she couldn't place her fingers on, and the louder it got, the more determined she was to find it.