Home for Horny Monsters

Hey all! Annabelle here with the next chapter of HFHM!

To start with, this story is written chapter style. Book One started in Chapter One. Book Two started in Chapter 13 and goes until now. It would be best for you to start at either of those chapters to get caught up on what is going on!

Also, a quick note. I received several letters from readers after the last chapter that expressed sadness that the story was ending. It isn't! To clarify, the storyline of Book Two is ending in Chapter 26. Mike and company will return in Chapter 27, right here on Lit, so make sure to follow me to get notifications when it posts. I always update my profile on the day I upload it here (barring technical difficulties).

As always, thank you so much for your comments, reviews, and letters! I don't always respond, but I do read all of them. The readers here on Lit really are the best and you consistently inspire me to get better and keep writing!

That being said, it's time for the forces of good and evil to converge on poor Mike's front lawn.

In the Eye of the Storm

Mike realized his mistake as soon as it happened. Upon walking out the main entrance, they had stopped long enough for Beth to bid farewell to Asterion. The group all stood at the edge of the reflecting pool, their shortcut back to the house. When Beth rejoined them, Tink counted down from three and they all jumped in at the same time.

That's when Mike remembered that the magical shortcut would take them all to the downstairs closet. Not until the water soaked through his shoes did it occur to him that they all weren't going to fit.

The closet door blew off its hinges, the tide of water scattering everyone across the floor. Mike was able to grab the frame of the door, sliding sideways out into the front room. He stuck his arm out and was able to grab Beth, pulling her out of the way. Abella, Tink, and Sofia crashed into the wall opposite the closet, knocking loose chunks of plaster. Tink was crushed between the others, and the stream of profanity was quite colorful.

"Bad words!"

"So many bad words!"

"You're grounded!" The fairies were flying circles above the others, shaking off the water of the reflecting pool. Mike let go of Beth, who stood up and wrung the water out of her shirt.

"That's an interesting way to travel," she said, taking off her shoes to shake them out.

"Yeah, well. The house is old and all." Mike carefully stood, approaching the monster pile by the wall. He helped Sofia stand up first, then lifted Abella's tail so that Tink could crawl free. The wood beneath the gargoyle was badly scratched by her talons.

"Sorry," Abella said. Mike gave her a playful swat on the butt just beneath her tail.

"Don't worry about it. Hey, we're home!" He walked into the living room, looking out the window. "Hey, the witch is gone!"

"She has been for a while." Cecilia phased through the wall, her hair floating around her. The temperature in the room dropped, and Cecilia threw herself into Mike's arms, the water on his clothes frosting over. "I missed you, cuisle mo chroidhe."

"I missed you too." He kissed her forehead, causing a spark to jump between them. "Anything to report? Why did she leave?"

"We blasted her with water from the fountain in the middle of her spell. She was struck by lightning and crawled away."

"So she's gone?"

"No." When Cecilia shook her head, her hair floated outward in slow motion. "She's hiding in a car out by the street. We think she is waiting."

"For what?"

"Nobody knows. We have another problem though. Come." Cecilia pulled him by the hand, leading him into the backyard. Naia's eyes lit up at Mike's arrival, her fountain squirting water in the shape of a heart.

"Naia." When he said her name out loud, it finally felt like he had come home. He embraced the nymph. "What's going on?"

"We have a guest," she said, pointing to the garage. "She needs you."

"On it." He gave her a grin and stepped through the door. The first thing he noticed was the smell. It was subtle, but reminded him of cloves. The lights had been turned down, and it was hard for him to make out the figure strapped to the chair. Her gray hair was fanned across her shoulders, her pale skin similar to Cecilia's. She lifted her head, and Mike felt like he recognized her from somewhere.

"It's about time." Lily stepped out of the darkness. "You really know how to keep a girl waiting?"

"Who is this? Someone from the Society?"

"One of their victims." Lily stroked the stranger's face. "Don't you recognize her?"

"I feel like I should, but..." Oh no. He suddenly knew who he was looking at. He stepped closer. "Dana? Is that really you?" She looked like a much older version of the college girl, or at least a sicklier one. What had happened?

Dana nodded, but said nothing. Her lips looked dried out, like she hadn't had any food or water for days.

"What's wrong with her?" Mike asked.

"It's taking everything in her not to lunge out at you." Zel walked to Mike's side. "We don't have a lot of time. We need some of your semen."

"Wait, what? Why?"

"Because she's starving. She needs to eat."

"But why that?" Mike knew it was a dumb question the moment he asked. Didn't it always come back to his sperm?

"She's a zombie. She's about to go feral and-" Lily's voice vanished beneath the sound of a gong, followed by thunder. They all looked up, dust falling from the ceiling of the garage.

"Fuck, not again." Lily looked at Zel. "She's at it again, the witch. Romeo, what are the odds I could get you off in a hurry?"

"I've... blown a few loads lately." If he was being honest, he didn't think he could get it up knowing that some woman was on his front lawn trying to crack apart his magic house.

"Could she eat something else? To tide her over until we take care of our other problem?"

Zel frowned. "We could try your blood. It might sustain her for a bit, but you'd have to be quick."

"Do it." Mike held out his arm. "Just not too much. I have a feeling that being light-headed won't help me."

He barely saw the flash of Lily's tail, but it left a large incision on his forearm. Pain made him grit his teeth, and he made a fist when Zel held a bowl under his elbow to catch his blood.

Dana shrieked, rocking the chair back and forth. The chair sprouted new legs to keep her in place, but Mike didn't question it. When Zel had gathered enough, she applied a blue fluid to Mike's arm, the wound closing up and scabbing over. Lily held the bowl over Dana's head, her tail pinning her in place long enough to get the fluid in her mouth.

They all held their breath. Dana swallowed it all, then held her hands up for the bowl. Lily gave it to her, and Dana licked it clean.

"How does that feel?" Lily asked.

"I'm still hungry." Dana frowned at the empty bowl. "But I feel a bit better." Another blast of thunder above them knocked more dust loose. "Go. Take care of the bitch on the lawn. I can wait another hour or so."

"Dana." He said her name so quietly even he barely heard it. How had she gotten caught up in this? He walked into the back yard where Naia waited for him.

"She's at it again." Naia pointed at the sky where a glowing crack had formed. "She weakened it earlier, which means it will be easier for her this time."

"What do I need to do?" Mike touched the goggles on his head. They fit him perfectly, but he felt wrong wearing them. In his mind, they still belonged to Tink.

"There are three runes you must activate out in the front yard. You need the goggles to do it correctly, otherwise the house will kill you. Simple as that. Once you have activated all three runes, you activate some sort of control box in the yard."

"Like a console?"

"Sure. Once that is there, you will know what to do."

"Not gonna lie. This should have been a day two kind of discussion." Mike blew her a kiss. "Maybe I'll punish you for it later."

"You had better be alive to punish me. Now go!" Naia splashed him, and he ran back into the house. The others had gathered in the front room, all of them looking at the front yard. Cecilia phased through the wall, startling him.

"You need to come see this." Cecilia disappeared. Mike put his hand on the knob of the front door and took a deep breath before turning it. When he opened the door, a gust of wind blew into the house, rattling the windows. Another peal of thunder shook the house, making Mike cover his ears. Abella held her ears in pain, squatting down just inside the door.

"Holy shit." Mike stared up into the swirling vortex of air up above, a funnel cloud that slowly descended toward the house. Near the edge of the yard stood Kali. She was topless, wearing a skirt decorated with stones and feathers. Around her neck was a long rope decorated with shrunken heads. She shook a large stick, her mouth open wide as several different voices chanted.

"You're fucked." Lily grabbed Mike's shoulder, turning him around. He wondered if she had followed him from the garage. "That's her ceremonial garb. That's what she wears when she goes all out."

"We have to stop her." Mike took a step toward the front yard, but was yanked back by Lily's tail. The grass at the bottom of the steps exploded, showering the porch with dirt. Snakes of all shapes and sizes writhed across the yard, but the ones at the bottom of the step had their eyes solely on him.

"You can run. That's about it." Lily ducked when a panel ripped itself free of the house, the chunk flying over her head. "I don't care how powerful this place is, she's going to take it down."

"Naia." Mike glared at Lily. "Naia can't run, and I won't leave her behind. I won't leave any of them behind."

"How romantic." Lily stepped back into the house and Mike followed. "And I suppose you have a plan?"

"I..." Mike was cut off by a thunderous boom. Through the windows, the multicolored lights of the Geas cracking cast ominous shadows through the front room. They were all looking at him, expecting an answer. He looked out the window just as rain came, large drops glazing the glass. Across the yard, slow shapes lumbered along the edges, hiding among the bushes. "What are those?"

"Hmm." Sofia moved to the window, squinting. "It looks like several men. Identical in stature, each one wearing the same white suit and walking with a cane."

"That would be Sebastien. The guy who sent the homunculus made of sand." Lily shook her head. "Kali by herself would be more than a match for you. But with him helping, she has the power of an entire coven on her side."

"All we need to do is activate the house defenses, yes?" Mike turned to Tink. "Once I activate the console, how long until the defenses turn on?"

"Fast." She nodded, her ponytail bobbing.

"What are the defenses?"

"Big..." Tink's eyes went blank. "Big something."

Mike rolled his eyes. Of course nobody knew. "Okay, so the goal is to activate the console, whatever that is, and then go turn it on."

"You're so naïve!" Lily grabbed Mike by the shoulders and shook him. "How are you going to get past the snakes? Or the storm? Or the pissed off vodou priestess with all her little oogey-boogey men?"

"Or the Colonel Sanders chorus line from hell? Honestly? I don't know. But this isn't about me being in charge. This is about all of us working together." Mike looked at each of them. "We just escaped from a labyrinth. Yesterday, I got into a fight with a child-eating witch while trying to incinerate some elder god's foreskin. Every step of the way, I had somebody's help. And I know we can figure this out if we all play to our strengths to stop her. So instead of worrying about what we have to face, let's take a moment to focus on what we have."

Another blast roared through the house, and pictures fell off the walls. Everyone looked outside, the sky now a technicolor hue.

"She's using her spirits to multi-cast." Cecilia said. "Their voices add to hers. She summons a storm to keep us within while she makes trouble without."

"Which means she is worried about what we are planning." Mike put his hands on the window, then slid the goggles over his eyes. He could see the faint blue lines that made the triangle in his yard with the circle in the middle. Unfortunately, the circle wasn't very far from where Kali stood. "I need to activate the runes that Naia mentioned before I can summon the console. The first spot is on the porch steps, so that one is easy. However, the other two are at the base of the lions, by the entrance."

"How do we get there?" Beth asked.

"I'm the only one who needs to get there. Let's see -- yard full of snakes, strange storm overhead, douche in a white suit..." Mike's train of thought derailed when another boom shook the house.

"Wait. I've got it!" Beth touched Tink on the shoulder. "I need a pen and paper, quick!" Tink disappeared, then quickly returned. Beth drew a rough map of the yard and quickly explained her plan.

"That's absolutely insane," Mike said. "It puts everyone here at risk, including yourself, and has a very low chance of succeeding." A grin spread across his face. "And I think it will work."

Beth beamed, and they huddled up, speaking loudly to each other over the roar of magic gathering outside.

-

Through the eyes of her serpents, Kali watched the storm on the lawn from inside the front yard and from the street. Fearing outside interference, she had placed them all along the street, knowing that their thermal vision would see any living thing that came near her. Up above the vortex swirled, lightning arcing through the clouds. The Geas resonated with her magical blows, her magic taking years off of her lifespan to manage the tremendous energy required to keep up the storm while cracking the protective barrier of the house. She had centuries to burn, and could always acquire more.

However, from the street, the storm was contained. The skies grew darker with every crash of magical thunder, but the magic of the home somehow contained the maelstrom within, giving the appearance of a thunderhead building up above. A neighbor four houses down was out mowing, oblivious to the magical battle nearby.

"The perimeter is clear," Sebastien told her from the snake riding his shoulder. He was over by the garage, crouched out of sight. It was difficult to maintain a consciousness that permeated so many beings, but the spirits around her neck were helping her. The large python near her feet kept watch on her physical body as her mind jumped from place to place, making certain she wouldn't be interrupted. Another distraction during the dangerous part of the spell could finish her off, and she intended to live until tomorrow.

Behind her, in the bushes, another Sebastien waited. In case the snakes failed, it was his job to see that she finished the spell.

The snakes hissed, the front door of the home opening. Through their eyes, she saw Mike Radley emerge, a ridiculous pair of goggles on his head. He stood at the top of the stairs, weird lenses sliding back and forth across his vision. He waved his hands in the air. Kali could see the spectral trail of his fingers activating hidden runes, symbols that danced away from him and sunk into the ground, vanishing from sight. The snakes gathered at the foot of the steps, hissing their warning. Kali could sense their anger at the magical barrier that prevented them from swarming the house and attacking her enemies. Once the Geas was broken, she intended to send them in and incapacitate the occupants of the home with their venomous fangs.

She would let the High Priest decide what to do with them. One of her many voices shouted into the sky, causing thunder to answer her. The light rain whipped itself into circles, but Kali knew better than to flood out the home -- she feared giving the nymph any more water to work her magic on.

The snakes slithered across each other, bouncing off the barrier on the steps. A large figure stepped in front of Mike, gazing across the yard. Kali couldn't see her at first, but with another crack in the Geas, the woman came into focus. Nearly eight feet tall with a single eye, the cyclops swung a blade that unfolded itself. In disbelief, Kali watched the cyclops step into the yard, casually beheading the snakes closest to her.

The swarm moved toward her, and her movements became a dance, her eye glowing with its own inner light. Mike followed close behind, and no matter how many snakes moved toward her, she always pushed Mike out of the way, her sharp blade bringing a quick end to the slithering beasts. Kali's face twisted in concentration, and she pumped energy into the storm up above.

The blast of lightning blinded her, even through her closed eyes. When her vision cleared, she saw that the bolt had scorched a large mark in the yard, burning snake and grass alike.

Several yards away, she saw Mike standing in the open, his fingers making more trails of light in the air.

"How?" she demanded of the storm, grabbing one of the heads on her necklace. How had they dodged a bolt of lightning? It made no sense. She summoned the Iwa hidden within the skin pouch, a spirit being made of teeth and fangs, then hurled it at her prey. The cyclops placed herself between Mike and the Iwa, her blade blurring between them. The snakes were closing in, hissing in anger while they moved closer to Mike.

A rock struck her in the shoulder. Growling, she turned her attention back to the house. Beth, the estate agent, stood on the stairs of the home, but something was wrong. Her eyes were the inky black of a moonless night, and the large stones below the porch were levitating into the air, then flinging themselves. A goblin jumped the railing behind her, moving toward the garage.

"Keep going," Sebastien said, placing two of himself between her and Beth. His sandy body easily absorbed the blows of the stone, reforming after every strike. The snakes had moved away from the porch, allowing Beth to descend and fire from along the trellis. They were moving toward the garage, and Sebastien moved in on them. Kali was too distracted to cast any more lightning, her eyes suddenly focusing on Mike through dozens of eyes. He was running toward the stone wall at the edge of the yard, the cyclops calling out his name. The Iwa prevented the cyclops from reaching Mike in time.

"I have you," Kali hissed, commanding the snakes to attack. She could taste his flesh in her mouth with every strike, her heart pounding in exhilaration as the venom flowed freely from their fangs. They constricted around his body, pinning him in place. Sebastien sprung from the edge of the yard, using his cane to push Mike against the ground.

"Oh God!' Mike screamed in agony rolling in the grass. Kali's mind moved into the serpent on his chest so that she could see the defeat in his eyes. "It hurts so much, oh God, it hurts! I'm so fucking hard right now!"

What?

Mike stuck his tongue out at the snake on his chest, his eyes flashing yellow. "Wanna see my boner?" A scorpion's tail burst free of his pants, striking Sebastien hard enough in the chest that he exploded into sand. Mike's body shifted into something smaller, the succubus becoming a little girl in a gymnastics outfit. The snakes suddenly tumbled free, and Lily sprang out of the way just as hundreds of pounds of solid stone crashed into the ground, killing the snakes that had been there.

Kali cried out, her hold on the spell faltering when the connection was violently severed from so many snakes at once. The cracks in the sky glowed, and the rain she had been holding back started to fall. Shaking her head, she opened her own eyes to see a woman with large stone wings stand up from the impact crater in the grass. Snake mash fell from her stony skin, and her glittering dark eyes radiated hatred.