Home for Horny Monsters

Hi, all!

Annabelle Hawthorne is back with yet another chapter of "I should be wrapping Christmas presents but decided to lewd as many myths as possible and make them fight for your attention."

This is way easier than figuring out what gift to give the person who finds the Christmas pickle in my tree (not a euphemism, look it up).

New readers, welcome! You are several books and spinoffs into a story that has likely saved me thousands of dollars on porn and therapy, but feel free to dive right in. If you need a reading order, I would start with Chapter 001 and climb the ranks from there. Dead and Horny takes place during Book 3, and D&H 2 takes place shortly before Book 5. I keep release dates in the bio, so check that if you're trying to schedule a date night for yourself (this is legit a thing, and no, you don't have to put out).

Returning readers, welcome back! The year (2024) is closing out and I finally feel like I'm hitting my stride just in time for the holidays to make their temporal demands. I want to thank you all for coming back to see exactly where this book is going, it's going to be hard to top the finale of the last one, but I'm going to give it my best shot!

As always, don't forget to leave some stars on the way out (do this for other authors you read, they love it). Release schedule is in the bio, my beta team are amazing, and you should check out TJ Skywind here on Lit if you want a different fantasy read.

Okay, friends, it's time for me to bastardize some Arthurian lore while creating an air of mystery. Shall we begin with how the last chapter ended?

Avalon Found

Mike sat on a log on the shore, staring at the distant island as the sun continued to rise back in the human realm. The brighter the waters became with the sky's reflection, the more the world they now occupied looked as if it were trapped in a perpetual twilight. They were waiting for a bit more light before attempting to cross over to Avalon-once lost and now found.

Sofia sat next to him. Cerberus was sniffing around the boathouse island and had somehow found a grasshopper to chase. Sulyvahn sat on the other side of Mike, his gaze also on the island.

"So..." Mike looked at Sulyvahn. "Care to explain that outburst we just saw?"

Sulyvahn chuckled. "If yer talkin' that wee tantrum from the princess, there's not a whole lot ta say."

Mike looked over his shoulder at the boathouse behind them. Several of the stones had been scoured down to the ground, reduced to dust by Nyx's magic. The princess had blown her top at the sight of the island, taking out her wrath on the structure behind them. As far as Mike could tell, her magic seemed to center around time. In this instance, the remaining walls of the boathouse had experienced hundreds or maybe thousands of years of weathering in an instant.

"Maybe start with why she's so angry?"

"That's Avalon," whispered Cecilia from behind. "The island she and her sisters were sworn to protect."

"Aye." Sulyvahn crossed his arms, looking suddenly thoughtful. "It's been lost fer centuries in yer time. It happened a century or so after Merlin closed the veil on magic."

"How does somebody steal an island, though?" asked Mike.

"It was never in one place to begin with," answered Sofia. "Historical records indicate that Avalon itself was constantly on the move."

"Aye. Untethered from this realm while firmly tethered to our own. Even then, ye couldna just pay it a visit. Ye had to have permission." Sulyvahn squinted toward the island. "It's kinda hard to see with the light of the lake all around it. Just one big shadow."

"This twilight realm is weird." Mike gestured at the sky. "No stars. If there are no stars, then where does the heat for this place come from?"

"It's not that warm," said Sofia. She was huddled in a cloak. "My guess is maybe forty degrees Fahrenheit. How are you not freezing?"

"Well, I packed a really good sweater, for starters." Mike patted his chest. "I'm actually quite comfortable."

"What's it made from?" asked Sofia. "I don't recognize the wool. Is it Alpaca?"

"Bigfoot." Mike laughed. "Eulalie gave this to me, said it belonged to her dad. When she and Velvet were little, they'd brush Bigfoot and braid up his fur, that kind of thing. It sounds like their mom made a couple of these during some lean winters. Beth found a box of old clothes in the attic of the cabin last spring and it's the first occasion I've had to wear it. This one used to be loose on me, but my shoulders have filled out."

Everyone went quiet and sat there on the shore. Cerberus laughed and continued to chase the grasshopper back and forth. The thing was nearly eight inches long and made an unnerving rattling noise when it jumped. Mike wasn't entirely convinced the thing was actually a grasshopper. Was it a locust? Sofia could tell him, but she looked grumpy and now didn't seem like the time.

"You know...just because I mention Velvet doesn't mean you all have to suddenly be quiet." Mike looked at the others. "I'm not happy about what happened, but I'm okay with it."

Sulyvahn shifted uncomfortably. "It be a bit different for us," he said. "We learned long ago not to speak of the dead for fear of unsettling them. That's just the business we be in. Yer Velvet has passed on safely and all, but old habits die hard."

"Eulalie talks about her a lot," said Sofia. "Usually it's fine. Every now and then, though, she'll freeze up as if stabbed. Grief has sharp edges that only time can sand away."

"Aye, that be true. Ye speak as if with firsthand knowledge."

The cyclops nodded, absently picking at her braid. "Long ago, I grieved for my own family. I lost them when I was quite young. But you have to realize that I've lived far longer than I was ever supposed to. It's been so long since I remembered anything about them other than concepts. I know I had a mother and father, and even a sibling, but they're simply ideas now, like characters in a book. I don't see their faces or hear their voices. They're just kind of...there. My own grief has been sanded away, leaving nothing behind but scars in the ground for me to look at."

"That be heavy thinking," said Sulyvahn.

Mike put his hand on Sofia's leg and squeezed. Cecilia wrapped her arms around the cyclop's shoulders and held her from behind. Sofia went stiff at first, then allowed the others to comfort her.

"FUCK!" Nyx's voice resonated through the ground, causing ripples to drift away from the island they sat on. Mike frowned and looked back at the ruins.

"Why is she still here?" he asked. "Wasn't she going back through the mirror to contact her sisters or something?"

"That's what she said," muttered Sofia. "I already miss the peace and quiet."

Cerberus squatted down in front of Mike, then proudly handed over the winged insect. Mike chuckled and rubbed each of their heads, causing the hellhound to press against his body and make happy noises. Their tail swished from side to side as they curled up in his lap, but they didn't quite fit, which meant they kept squirming. Their eyes went wide and they sniffed the air, the center head letting out a growl.

"She. Came. Back," they said, and Cerberus sat back up and glared daggers at Nyx as she stepped over the remains of the foundation wall. The Fae's facial features had sharpened and the shadows coalesced beneath her feet like ink as she stopped and pointed back at the ruins of the boathouse.

"The mirror is empty!" she declared. "I have no way to cross back over!"

Mike frowned, then shrugged. "That's hardly a surprise. This is how things tend to go for me." He held up his hands and waved them around in mock surprise. "Oh, no, I'm stranded!"

"How do you intend to return home, then?" Nyx was indignant. "Are you that willing to leave your family behind?"

"I..." Mike paused. He sensed an opportunity here. "Have some ideas," he admitted. "Do you really have no other way to communicate with your sisters?"

"I do not." Nyx stomped over to the edge of the water. "We are Ladies of the Lake, and I should be able to speak to them through this medium, but I have been cut off. This place lies outside the mortal realm and my own."

"I see." Mike gestured at Avalon. "I can only assume that means that someone with knowledge of dimensional magic is responsible for the theft of your island."

"That is correct." Nyx turned to him and narrowed her eyes in suspicion. "And what know you of dimensional magic?"

"Easy, lass." Sulyvahn held out his hands. "Mike ain't been around long enough to be responsible."

"And yet it has been found beneath his castle." The Fae princess' eyes darkened, her sclera now completely black.

"Hold up, now. I warned you that I had no idea what was going on with the castle itself. As for dimensional magic, I've been to other dimensions and pocket-realities, but don't really know much about doing such magic myself." He had learned plenty from Pele while they expanded the seas around her volcano, but what he knew now still wasn't much more than a basic introduction. It was like saying you understood flight after watching a plane land. "But I do know such places can be altered. Whoever did this is extremely knowledgeable."

Nyx stomped a foot with indignation. "Which is why I need my sisters! That mirror had no problem letting us through, but now it's closed. Whoever took this place has likely trapped us here and I won't stand for it."

"I see." Mike crossed his arms and looked down, pretending to be deep in thought. In reality, he was reaching out with his mind to see if he could contact Kisa. There was a faint tug at the edge of his consciousness. The signal was weak, but it was there. "What exactly would your sisters do?"

"Notify the court, of course." Nyx bared her fangs. There was no semblance of humanity now, only jagged, menacing teeth. "Then they would come here and demand answers before taking it back!"

"The island's presence does pose several questions. However, I will require the chance to solve my own before allowing you and yours to reclaim Avalon."

"You don't allow us anything, Caretaker!" Nyx's cloak fluttered out like a pair of wings, revealing distant stars in the darkness beneath. "Avalon was our sworn duty!"

"And?" Mike gestured around them. "This place all lies within my castle, which is MY sworn duty. That would mean I own the mirror along with all of its contents, that island included."

"You can't own Avalon," growled Nyx.

"If you can't own it, then it can't be stolen. Therefore, no crime has been perpetrated and you need to calm down," Mike replied.

Nyx's jaw slammed shut and her eyes narrowed. "You tread on dangerous waters," hissed the Fae princess.

"It's not the first time I've swum with sharks." Mike stared out at the island. "Now, suppose we think of Avalon as its own place, perhaps we can come to an agreement, a trade of sorts."

Nyx blinked as if shocked, her face reverting to its original ethereal beauty. "A trade?"

He nodded. "Let's both admit that we have no idea how, or for what purpose Avalon is here. Maybe the island itself came here. Is that possible?"

The Fae princess scowled, her forehead actually wrinkling as she contemplated the words. "Though I do not think so...Fae magic is unpredictable."

"Let's start with our first trade, then. I have a means to contact someone in my realm, right now. I could pass on a message for your sisters."

"At what cost?" asked Nyx. She folded her arms and lifted her chin imperiously. "If I deem the trade unfair, you will know my wrath."

"Never mind, then. I won't negotiate from a place of fear." Mike sat down on the ground and picked up a stone. He tossed it out onto the water where it disappeared without making a splash. Behind him, he could sense the churning fury of the Fae princess, now properly rebuked. Leaning back, he looked over at Sofia. "Hey, do we still have any of that trail mix?"

Sofia glanced briefly at Nyx, then smirked. "I think so," she said. "But make sure Cerberus doesn't get any of the M&Ms. Chocolate is bad for dogs."

Cerberus growled at Sofia. Mike patted the hellhound's heads. "She's just kidding," he said.

"She'd. Better. Be." Cerberus went silent and gave Sofia a hundred-yard stare as the cyclops dug through the pack to pull out a baggie packed with trail mix. It was a custom blend that Zel had thrown together, comprised of various nuts that the centaurs had gathered. Mike himself had mixed in the bag of M&Ms.

"Of course I am. Here." Sofia held the bag toward Cerberus.

The hellhound cupped their hands and watched patiently as Sofia poured the mixture into their palms. Once they were satisfied that they hadn't been denied the sweet taste of chocolate, they sat down next to Mike and picked through the salty treat. Mike didn't think that the center head controlled the arms and noticed that they were very careful to distribute things evenly. He thanked Sofia for the bag and popped a cashew in his mouth.

"What are you doing?" asked Nyx.

"Having a snack."

"We were talking."

"We're done talking. Hey, Suly. Would you like some?"

"I don' need to eat, friend."

Mike waved him over. "I'll share. I don't mind."

"Stop that," said Nyx.

Sulyvahn gave the Fae princess a wary look, then shook his head. "I think it should be saved for those with stomachs," he said.

"Suit yourself." Mike popped an M&M in his mouth and used his teeth to crack the shell and pull it away from the chocolate inside. Nyx walked until she stood in front of him, her hands on her hips. He looked up at her and kept a straight face. "Would you like to eat my nuts?" he asked, holding out the bag.

One of Nyx's eyelids actually fluttered as she studied him. Whether or not the perceived slight went over her head didn't matter. It was clear that he was aggravating her while, at the same time, doing absolutely nothing wrong.

"I. Wish. To. Negotiate." Nyx spoke through her teeth, her nostrils flaring. "With you."

"Regarding?" Mike flicked a peanut into his mouth and bit down.

"Your ability to...contact someone." This time, she twitched.

"In exchange for a good faith effort to pass along a message to your people through my own, I desire three things from you." Mike held out his fingers and ticked them off. "First, and foremost; I want your personal guarantee that while we are in this pocket dimension, you will not knowingly do anything to bring us harm as we see it. You will also not deliberately hinder our search, nor distract us from our goals."

Nyx grimaced. "What else?"

"Second, should your people find a way to come here, that they follow the tenants of the first agreement. I don't need your sisterhood storming in here with the same lack of restraint you've already demonstrated."

The air made a crackling sound that made Mike's teeth itch. Sulyvahn actually ducked and covered his ears as Cecilia wrapped her arms around Mike and held on tight. The Caretaker held his gaze steady and waited for Nyx's tantrum to end. Though they had only spent one night together, he had finally figured out that this immortal being was little more than a petulant child with far too much power.

"My...sisters...will behave." Nyx snarled at him. "As you see it."

That was the stick. Now it was time for the carrot. "As for the third thing, I would like your permission for us to go to Avalon."

The eerie feeling in the back of his mouth vanished, and Nyx studied him with renewed interest. "Explain yourself."

"Sulyvahn told me that permission was required to enter Avalon. Now, I have no idea what we're going to find over there, but it is clear that your sacred duty was disrupted. As a sign of my respect for your sisterhood, I humbly request permission from you, one of its original guardians, to travel there." Mike tapped his third and final finger. "So that's what I ask in exchange for passing along a message."

Nyx took a step back, her hands falling to her sides. Sharp fingers tapped anxiously at the fabric of her gown as she processed what he had said. He ran over the agreement in his head, hoping to spot any loophole that he had missed. The fact that Nyx hadn't immediately agreed made him think that he may be in the clear. She certainly hadn't expected the final piece of their bargain, which he hoped would mollify her.

"Let's discuss," she said, taking a seat across from him. For nearly thirty minutes, they hemmed and hawed over what Mike's definition of harm might be. Sofia occasionally added to the discussion when she felt like she had spotted a loophole. Ultimately, they came to a final agreement on the definition that Lily would have summed up with 'Don't be a cunt.'

"So all these words being said and true, I do believe we have an accord." Nyx grinned sincerely, then rubbed her hands together. "And now for my message."

"Let me write it down. It'll be easier to pass along everything that way." Mike got ready to pull a notepad out of his backpack, but Sofia beat him to it. She handed over the pad with a nod, and Mike turned back to face Nyx. "Go ahead."

To her credit, Nyx kept the message short. If there was some hidden code inside, Mike was blissfully unaware. He was given a list of potential recipients, and was asked to pass along that Avalon had been found through a magic mirror in the basement of his castle, and that the others were not to enter until further instructions were sent. Mike studied the note for a bit, then asked Nyx to add that they weren't to cause any trouble in the castle itself. The Fae princess nodded, then amended her message. Once she seemed satisfied, Mike held the pad in his hands and closed his eyes.

Kisa? Are you awake?

He sent pulses of magic out, trying to strengthen the connection with the cat girl. Instead of words, he got an emotional response of curiosity. After a few tries, he stopped and looked at Nyx.

"I've made contact," he said. "But it's distorted."

To her credit, Nyx didn't immediately accuse him of reneging on his deal. Instead, she knelt by his side and gently took his head between her hands. When Cerberus growled a warning, the Fae bared her fangs at the hellhound.

"I'm assisting," she hissed. This close to Nyx, Mike's senses were overwhelmed by the smell of her. There was a brief moment of cloves, along with coriander. When the princess turned her attention back to him, her features softened and now he smelled grass after it had just rained. What was the word for that?

"Petrichor," answered Nyx. "I'm reading surface level thoughts through my fingertips."

"That's a little invasive," Mike replied.

"Send your thoughts again." Nyx closed her eyes. "I would observe the process."

A little unsettled, Mike cleared his mind of anything other than Nyx's message. The last thing he wanted was for her to take offense at some stray thought. He reached out once more, and received that familiar curiosity, along with a trace of panic.

"Ah, I see." Nyx let go of his head. "Time flows differently there."

"By how much?" Mike tried to keep calm. The last thing he wanted was to discover that his children were growing old without him.

"Minor," she said. "She is hearing your thoughts stretched out, and her response is condensed." Nyx stood and moved to the edge of the lake. She tilted her head to one side and stared into the water. "I wondered if there was a storm back on Earth, but the passage of time is simply faster. Judging by what I see now, plus what I heard, a day here is equal to four days at your home."

Grunting, Mike stood. "I don't want to end up here for several weeks," he said. "Give me a second, I think I can do this."

He closed his eyes again and reached out to Kisa, projecting calm to let her know that he was okay. Using short words and trying to speak quickly in his mind, he informed Kisa of the weird time dilation between realms. When he finally got a reply, he laughed.