Home for Horny Monsters

Hi, all! Annabelle Hawthorne here and I'm back at it again with some more monster girls and chaos!

New reader? Don't be shy, we've got a couple million words in this universe you can just skip over, I'm sure you won't miss much. To sum up, a guy inherited a magical home, got a piece of his soul sucked out through his dick by a nymph, and now is dealing with a dangerous goblin pregnancy 117 chapters and 3 spin-offs later.

If only Bridgerton would be this edgy, am I right?

Returning reader? Welcome back! I'm still taking some extra time for myself and it's been a minor godsend. Not only have I gotten some R&R, but I've also dealt with the typical crap life throws at you (like car repairs, etc) and actually had time to deal with those as well! I try to stick to the schedule in my bio, so feel free to check there if you're wondering when that next chapter will hit.

But seriously, if you're still around, thank you so, so much from the bottom of my heart. The Imposter Syndrome has been very real of late, so I am extremely grateful for those of you who continue to show up and keep spreading the word about this story. So many people have fallen in love with the Radley house, and it's been such an amazing journey to get to where the story is today. I couldn't have done it without you.

I also couldn't do this without my beta team! Thanks to the Mikes, the Pastor, the Dragon, as well as Lit's own TJ Skywind for helping out. While I promise to give you my best, I'm only one person. With their help, I can actually guarantee some

Quality Assurance

Mike stood outside the small, thatched yurt that the centaurs used as their infirmary. Nearby, Kisa paced along the top of a fence that created a small pen for sheep and pigs. A pair of centaurs stood outside the yurt, ready to run a message or retrieve supplies.

"She will be okay, Mike Radley." Death stood to Mike's left, holding a cup of tea in both hands. He had seen Mike carrying Tink and had followed them to the centaur village.

Cecilia hovered nearby as well, and Mike had fought the urge numerous times to tell them both to go away. There was a very real fear that Cecilia may open her mouth and start singing, or perhaps Death would suddenly offer his condolences. Their presence would have no effect on whatever actually happened, a fact that he told himself over and over again.

Yuki had heard the commotion and tried to come with them, but he had told her to stay behind in case Grace got out of bed. This was stressful enough. He didn't need to worry about his daughter waking up to an empty home.

Zel stepped through the flap of the yurt and sighed. "She's okay."

Mike nodded, his eyes brimming with tears he hadn't known were there. He wiped them away. "Can I go see her?"

"You could, but she's resting comfortably now. She needs her sleep and you might wake her." Zel walked toward him, the flap of the yurt parting as Kisa slipped inside. "But we should talk."

Mike nodded. Zel led him away from the yurt a bit, then turned to face him. She opened her mouth to say something, then looked over his shoulder and paused.

The Caretaker turned to see that Death and Cecilia were both standing right behind him. He just shrugged. "It's not like whatever you tell me will remain a secret," he said.

"That's fair." Zel yawned and pulled a small notebook from a bag around her waist. She flipped it open and thumbed through the pages. "I've been tracking the extraordinary events surrounding Tink's pregnancy. Everything goes in here, including signs of aging."

"I'm aware," Mike said. Zel had been meticulous about everything in regards to Tink. The centaur's primary fear at first had centered around the goblin's diminutive size, coupled with the unknown genetics of the baby. Goblins typically gave birth to multiples, but the half-human baby developing in Tink's womb had taken up all the available space already.

"So I've been tracking her age. Tink's actual age is elderly by human standards. We aren't even certain how long goblins can live due to the often violent conditions they are usually required to survive. Due to her own version of the nymph's blessing, her body has never aged, but the baby is somehow draining that magic from her. When you first brought Tink to me with this pregnancy, she had all the 'human' hallmarks of a woman in her mid-twenties." Zel found the page she wanted and held the book open for Mike. "As of today, based on human biology, I would clock her as a woman in her mid-to-late forties."

"Women in their forties have babies, though." Mike looked at the chart Zel had made, but his vision was too blurry.

"You're right, they do. But look at the progression." Zel took the book back and pointed at the data points. "When I add in today's incident, what shape does this line make?"

"A curve." Mike already saw where this was going. "She's aging at an accelerating rate."

Zel nodded. "Once the magic of the blessing is gone, I can only assume the pregnancy will drain her of her actual lifeforce. Goblins only have a four to five month pregnancy, and give birth to litters. But we know she's only carrying one child, and it is much larger than a goblin. If she were to give birth soon, it's likely she would do so as a fifty or sixty year old. But we have no idea how far along she actually is."

Mike scowled. "Tink keeps telling me that the baby is still growing."

The centaur sighed. "She tells me the same thing. Mike, if she carries this baby to a human term of nine months, we have to assume she will present as a two-hundred year old woman. And humans don't live--"

"I get it." Mike ran his fingers through his hair. "Fuck," he whispered.

"Yeah." Zel closed her book and put it away. "We need to figure out how to help her, and soon."

Mike stared at the ground, his thoughts caught in a whirlwind of emotions. What could he even do? Was there anyone who could help him? How could he--

"Hey." Zel grabbed Mike by the hand and he felt the world snap back into focus. "We can solve this together. Let's think about the things we can do right now to help."

"Right. Um..." Mike looked up into Zel's eyes. They seemed to sparkle, reflecting the light of nearby torches. The centaur was clearly concerned, but she was also full of hope. He took a deep breath, drawing strength from her. "Our main problem is the deadline. How long do you think she has?"

"Hard to say," Zel replied. "But if my observations are correct, anything past two months would place her well within the lower range for dying of old age. I suspect her advanced years will make the pregnancy even more difficult. According to the medical texts you've brought me, human births past the age of forty are treated as geriatric. We're officially in troubled waters if she were a human."

Mike snapped his fingers. "What about the Library, then? We couldn't keep Grace's egg there because time doesn't pass. I mean, living things don't age. Would that keep the pregnancy from progressing?"

The centaur nodded. "I assume so, but that would also mean poor Tink remains the way she is for months, maybe even years. That's probably a question for Sofia, but yeah, anything we can do to keep the baby from growing will give us and Tink extra time to solve the problem."

Death cleared his throat, a clear reminder that he was still nearby. "While Tinker Radley is in the Library resting, perhaps we should take a trip to the North Pole and ask Santa for more details. After all, this is the result of a Christmas Wish, and I wonder if we may learn something from him or Miss Holly that could help us."

"That's a really good idea," said Mike.

"We could also visit the Hot Cocoa Lounge." Death sipped at his tea. "I have been unable to find a hot chocolate I enjoy outside of the North Pole."

"These both sound like great ideas," Zel said as she stepped into Mike and hugged him. He let out a sigh and leaned into the centaur. She smelled of campfires and hay. "If someone can have the rats open a portal from here to the Library, we can move her once she seems stable enough."

"Thank you," said Mike, wrapping his arms around Zel's torso.

"Of course." Zel's hug suddenly became tight. "And since I'm awake and have you here anyway, maybe we can talk about how Callisto managed to get into the Vault while you were supposed to be keeping an eye on him."

"Um..." Mike made a face. "Yeah, about that..."

"Come, Miss Cecilia. It would seem now is the time to leave Mike Radley to his fate." Death cordially held a hand out for the banshee, who flashed Mike a wry grin and then took the Grim Reaper's hand in her own and walked away with him.

Don't leave me

, Mike thought at Death and Cecilia as Zel released her embrace and fixed him with a stern glare. If he had a choice between arguing with Zel or fighting monsters in the Vault, he would take the Vault every time.

🏡🏡🏡

Daybreak flooded through the skylights, illuminating the marble chamber. The light was scattered by the thin silken fabric draped over the top and sides of the massive four-poster bed in the center of the room. Sofia winced at the light. It was an artifact of the Library, the fake light streaming from the ceiling of the room. The Library was truly located between realms in a place devoid of the true passage of time or space.

Yet somehow, a previous Head Librarian had managed to use this function as a gentle alarm clock meant to let them know it was time for work. No matter which room Sofia chose to sleep in, the skylight appeared and woke her when she was rested and it was time for work. Sighing, she sat up and grabbed her head.

"Shouldn't have drunk so much last night," she muttered. The events of the evening had started to blur after her third bottle of wine. She told herself at the time that she was simply taking a night off. The more truthful part of her admitted that the goal after Ratu's visit had been to drown herself in the misery of her own thoughts.

It hadn't been the naga's fault. Facing hard truths was always difficult. However, there was a difference between acknowledging a problem and having it smack you right in the face.

When Sofia leaned forward to get out of bed, the pain shifted forward, as if it were a molten hot fluid in the back of her skull. The cyclops groaned and sank onto her knees next to the bed, then assumed the fetal position on the cold floor. From down there, she could see the empty bottles under her bed. She counted way more than three, and the remains of what was probably once a party sub. Groaning, she crawled across the floor to her staff, which was leaning against the other side of her nightstand. The cold marble felt good through the silk of her nightgown, and was probably the only thing keeping her from puking everywhere.

When she got her fingers around the bottom of the staff, she knocked it over. It smacked into the ground with a crack, like thunder, and Sofia felt the world spin around her. She squeezed her eye tight, tears flowing down her cheeks in agony. It took her a good minute before she reached out to find where the staff had landed, then pulled it to her chest and sent her will through the ancient wood.

A soft glow could be seen through her closed eyelid, and the staff's magic burned through her, scouring her clean of the agony of her hangover. She sagged with relief, then opened her eye to stare at the ceiling.

While the staff was capable of balancing her symptoms, it didn't actually cure her. To do that, she would need plenty of water and probably a meal that didn't sit in her stomach like a brick. Sitting up, she used the nightstand to pull herself to her feet. The staff acted as a crutch as she shuffled to the bathroom.

After using the bathroom, she moved to stand in front of the mirror. The sclera of her eye was red all over, and the long braid of her hair had come undone. It was going to take forever to brush all the tangles out of it.

"Gods," she muttered, then stumbled out of the bathroom to the armoire that contained her clothes. Sofia undressed and slipped into a long, white gown which she cinched around the waist. The gown folded in the front, which accentuated her already large breasts. Satisfied that she hadn't screwed up and put something on wrong or backward, she went back into the bathroom and looked in the mirror.

"You're a hot fucking mess," she said, then picked up the nearest brush and got to work. Some of the tangles were bad enough that she ended up yanking out the strands instead, which did nothing good for the state of her head. After almost twenty minutes of brushing her waist-length hair, she figured it was good enough and threw it into a braid.

Sofia checked her outfit one more time in the mirror and nodded. If she squinted, she didn't look too bad. Her stomach growled and the pounding in her head increased. She needed breakfast, and maybe some orange juice.

Stepping out of her room, she heard the rustle of moving furniture, followed by guttural grumbling. Walking down the long hallway of the librarian's living quarters, she saw a parade of rats in and out of the last room. She looked through the doorway and saw that Tink was lying in the room's bed with a large plate of deli meats by her feet and a massive jar of pickles on her stomach. The goblin was grumbling to herself as she watched what appeared to be a home improvement show on a tv that had been installed on the wall.

"Stupid fucking dumb fucks," she muttered, then grabbed the jar of pickles. Tink unscrewed the lid. "Angle flooring, make nicer fit." She put the jar to her mouth and tipped the thing back, drinking a big mouthful of juice in her attempt to grab a pickle with her teeth. When she lowered the jar, she turned to look at Sofia, three pickles sticking out of her mouth.

"What. Are. You. Doing. Here?" Sofia stared in horror at the mess of wrappers and plates around Tink's bed. A small group of rats were busy trying to clean it all up. They all scattered when Tink tried to set the jar back on the nightstand and dropped it instead.

Tink shoved the pickles in her mouth, chewing as she talked. "Tink live here now until husband find way to keep Tink and baby booger safe."

"Baby...booger?"

Tink shrugged. "Goblin baby called booger. Tink called booger one time, think it funny after." The goblin stretched, which caused her nightgown to ride up, revealing that her stomach looked like an over-inflated balloon. Her belly button had popped inside out. "Library neat, keep bringing Tink food!"

Sofia backed out of the room in horror, then walked wide-eyed into the lobby. At the help desk, a large platter with a big breakfast and some orange juice was waiting for her. A pair of rats hopped onto the counter and picked it up, then started marching toward the hallway.

"That's mine," she said, pointing her staff at them. "Don't you fucking touch my food."

The rats squeaked in terror and scattered. Sofia moved to sit at the help desk, then fumbled for the knife and fork on the platter.

"Tink spilled again!" The goblin's voice echoed out into the lobby. Sofia picked up her tray and found a pedestal to get on. Using her staff, she had the platform lift into the sky to carry her anywhere but here.

Nearly ten stories up, she found a ledge with a small reading table that overlooked the main lobby. She landed her pedestal and sat down with her meal to watch.

The rats were busy streaming in and out of Tink's room, like ants serving their queen. Sofia glared down at the activity from above, shoving food in her mouth. Halfway through her meal, a dark form dropped down from the ceiling on a silken strand.

"There you are." Eulalie was hanging upside down, her hair tied back with a red ribbon. "You were slow getting out of bed."

"Hmmph." Sofia picked up a piece of bacon and held it out to her. "Why is the goblin here?"

"Ah, that." Eulalie took the bacon from Sofia. "She almost died last night."

Sofia choked on her own spit. "What?"

The Arachne nodded. "Maybe not that drastic, but her baby is causing her to age at a faster rate. They moved her here to keep her from getting any older."

"But the baby won't get older either."

"And thus, we have a conundrum." Eulalie stuck the bacon in her mouth. "Which is why Mike and Death are headed to the North Pole to ask Santa about it."

"Wait, what?" Sofia stared at the Arachne. "They're...just going to see Santa, just like that?"

"Not sure why they wouldn't. Mike just texted to let me know he was leaving." Eulalie pulled another piece of bacon off of Sofia's plate. "They're hoping that Santa might have answers about how to help Tink. The sooner they can fix her, the faster she can go home and--"

Sofia stood and jogged over to her pedestal, her staff in one hand and the orange juice in the other. She stepped onto the platform and tapped it with her staff.

"Can I have the rest of your bacon?" Eulalie asked as she stuffed it all into her mouth. Sofia waved dismissively, willing the platform to move even faster. It dropped from the air so fast that the cyclops felt her aching stomach lurch upward, and she almost lost what little she had eaten. Before the platform had even touched down, Sofia stepped off, landing in a crouch.

The rats in the Lobby stared at Sofia as she broke into a run. She slid to a stop by a large bookshelf against the wall, then paused to lean her staff against it. The Head Librarian's staff was a powerful artifact that only functioned in the Library itself, so leaving it behind was always the safest option.

Sofia pulled a book out of the shelf and the world distorted as she was transported immediately to Mike Radley's home office. She set the book elsewhere on the shelf and ran for the living room. Yuki was sitting on the couch, playing some sort of hand game with Grace. The fireplace crackled with purple fire, and the tattered edges of Death's cloak could be seen disappearing through it.

The cyclops sprinted across the room, then dove headfirst into the fire as the magical portal snapped shut.

🏡🏡🏡

Mike stepped out of the fireplace and then stopped to admire the new lobby of the Workshop. The last time he was here, the place had still been quite a mess. Since then, any damage done by the Krampus or his buddies had been undone. In fact, the place actually looked bigger, as if some serious renovations had been done. Large tv screens were installed on several walls, most of them monitoring and tracking data from across the world. Toy commercials were playing on several of them and there was a Naughty/Nice pie chart that ticked back and forth as it tracked the children of the world.

"That's predictive," said Death from right behind him. "It uses a complex algorithm based on probability. This gives the elves advance notice on how hard they--"

Mike felt his stomach tighten up and turned to see somebody come through the fireplace. He should have moved out of the way, but the sight of Sofia had him so shocked that he stuck his arms out to catch her instead. The cyclops crashed into him, causing both of them to fall and skid across the floor together. Passing elves froze in their tracks to watch.

"Ow!" Sofia put a hand to her forehead. "Fu--"

Mike slapped a hand over her mouth. "Don't," he said, flicking his gaze toward the elves. "It doesn't go over very well."

"Right." The cyclops shifted her arms to try and stand on her own. This caused her large breasts to get shoved into Mike's face for just a moment, and then she was up. She dropped a hand to assist him.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

"You stuck a goblin in my Library without asking," she said.

"We tried," he replied. "The rats said they couldn't wake you up. Since it was literally life or death, we spoke with Eulalie instead and she told us where to set up."