She had to sit down. Alauria stumbled to the nearest chair and let herself fall onto it. She was shaking and was sure that she'd have another anxiety attack if she didn't calm down soon. Rachel was Raife. Raife was once the woman Lindsay loved above all others. No damned wonder the demon wanted to make her lunch meat.
A sudden thought made her look at Lindsay. He hadn't moved except to turn and face her. There was a pained expression on his face and for a moment, she wasn't sure if the pain was because of her reaction or because of what happened to Rachel. "When did you make the treaty?"
"After I buried my mother, I set out to kill her. The extra bulk of her new body made her a slower fighter so I was easily able to bring her down. But when it came down to it..."
"Why couldn't you kill her?" She had no idea what it must have been like for him, but she knew for a fact that she would have his blood if he did anything to her mother.
"Because I only saw Rachel when I looked at Raife."
"Is that how you feel now?"
The question was like a blow to the midsection. How was it, that after all this time, she still could not see what she meant to him? "You mean more to me than Rachel ever did."
Though she should have found comfort in the statement, Alauria was only able to become suspicious. "That doesn't mean that you don't still love her."
"What I felt for Rachel in the past has nothing to do with the hate I feel for Raife now."
"If there was a chance, even a small one, that you could get Rachel back, would you take it?"
He wasn't sure how to answer that question. On the one hand, if it meant saving the woman he once cared about, he would try; Rachel deserved a full and happy life. But to go as far as a reconciliation... That was a bit too much. What he felt for the confusing woman in front of him was too intense to ignore.
Just as he opened his mouth to speak, she held a hand up for silence. "Never mind I asked. That was a... a really stupid question on my part, especially when I already know the answer." Alauria stood up and moved to walk out of the kitchen. As an afterthought, she said, "I think it's better that we leave it like this."
Lindsay quickly reached out to gently take hold of her arm. "What the hell is that supposed to mean, Alauria?"
"It means that once this is done you don't have to worry about me replacing her."
"What the hell is wrong with you, Alauria? You aren't a replacement."
"If you say so." She disengaged her arm and slowly walked out of the kitchen, not once bothering to turn. Had she taken the time, she would have seen the longing pouring out of his soul and the desperate need to take her pain within himself.
* * * * *
"Tell me how to make this right."
Alauria sighed dejectedly as she rubbed her temples. She had a fierce stress related headache and added to Lindsay's constant pleas to work out their problems before she left, she was ready to pound her head against a wall to ease the pain. She'd reached the point where she realized that it made no sense for her to fight for him. If he wasn't pushing her away, she was left competing with who she was quite sure was still the love of his life. Alauria didn't know how she was supposed to compete with the past he had with Raife. What she did know was that no matter how she assessed her odds, she was on the losing end. And if there was one thing she'd always promised herself, it was that she'd never put herself in a situation where she'd be left behind. She had to face reality; if Lindsay couldn't kill Raife after she'd murdered his mother, there was no way in hell he'd kill the demon now after a simple kidnapping attempt.
In the end, she wasn't worth it, and she wasn't going to allow him to feed her the lies he'd forced himself to believe.
So she quietly packed the items she'd been given and remained silent as Lindsay stood against the door and watched her. With every attempt to reconcile, her headache intensified. It wasn't long until she was ready to start screaming like a lunatic to get him to leave her alone. It was torture being in his room with him, to look at the bed they'd made love in, knowing that after this, they'd be done. She turned to look at him and her breath caught at the heaviness in his gaze. He looked... sad. His stance was rigid, ready to fight as he leaned against the door, but he couldn't conceal what he felt in his eyes. The once brilliant green was slightly dulled, and there was an emptiness that confused her. "Are you upset because I'm leaving or because you have to fight her?"
Somehow he knew she'd try to make him compare his feelings for them again. This time, he was prepared. "I was young when I met Rachel and I didn't know or love my brothers then as much as I do now. Because of that, I made the mistake of thinking with my heart, even knowing that it would one day backfire on me." He pushed himself away from the door and took a few steps forward. She didn't back away or cringe, he was happy to observe, and newfound confidence prompted him to take another step forward. "With you, my head and my heart say the same exact thing. So I know it's not a mistake to listen."
She blinked back the sudden onslaught of tears and swallowed hard in an attempt to ease the lump forming in her throat. His words were too right, too perfect for her to believe. "That doesn't answer my question."
Lindsay watched her fight the tears threatening to fall. He wanted to reach out and comfort her, but this was the first civil conversation they'd had in what felt like decades. "I'm upset because I wish that I could have known that I would meet you one day because then I would have found the strength to do what I should have done after she killed my mother." As she stared up at him in amazement, a single tear slid down her soft cheek. Her chin trembled, emphasizing its small indent. "I don't think you understand how deeply my feelings for you run." He would have never thought that she'd be the one running at every turn when he met her. It seemed more like she would have been set to chase him around until he finally gave into his feelings. Very odd, how things worked themselves out.
God, how she wanted to believe him. He looked so sure in what he said. But how could she believe him when all she had was his words? Though words meant so much, they could also mean nothing at all; a valuable lesson she'd learned from her father. "Lindsay..." Alauria trialed off, unsure of what to say. She broke eye contact and shook her head to clear the clutter of thoughts in her head. "Lindsay, I-"
"Why are you so afraid of me, Alauria?"