Give Us Tentacle Sex

"Tentacle sex" said the angry group of women.

I looked at them, they looked really pissed. "There must be some sort of mistake" said the rumpled and frightened man who was me.

"No mistake" said an angry Asian woman shaking her small fist. "You advertised your web site as having tentacle sex and WHAT do we get when we pay our membership? EVERYTHING BUT tentacle sex."

The other women looked like they might get violent, as I tried backing up to make a run for the back door. A tall muscular woman beat me to the back door, blocking my exit.

"Oh no you don't Mr. money back guaranteed," she said. "Your video's are no better then your web site," shouts a vicious looking red head. She looks like she could kill a man easily with those stiletto heals.

"I promise you ladies, it was all a misunderstanding." I swallowed, my throat feeling dry with fear. "I even have a special club JUST for the tentacle sex ladies membership. Why as fate would have it, we are planning on a floor show tomorrow that will be broadcast live on our website - live."

"You BETTER have" says a woman in a G I Jane outfit, she is armed to the teeth. Those G I woman take these things seriously.

I wondered if there were any tentacle men who owed me a favor. Reaching into the depth of my mind I remembered a supposed high school head master who DID owe me a favor. Rumor says this high school has a LOT of off world support, surely some of the star faring races that visit earth might have tentacles, or other such appendages. "Yes, yes, ladies I can guarantee there will be some tentacles, ps - Check the website for details."

They looked at me as if not trusting what I said. Okay, I can understand that, they were right, I'd cheated them and if I thought I'd get away with it would do so again. "We KNOW were you live, more importantly" said one with glasses, "We have all your credit card numbers and will destroy your web site and personal life if you DO NOT come through."

Shit, a hacker among them, never piss off the hackers, I'd learned that the hard way. "No, really" said I. "By this Friday the web site will have all the details and will also broadcast live for those that cannot attend the live performance. We will also get that tentacle sex section BACK up. Obviously something happened to our site and I do apologize," I told them. They didn't look like they were buying it, but hopefully I'd have something for them soon.

First I got on the line to a Hollywood producer I had some incriminating photo's of. Amazing what they could do with special effects. I figured we'd do a porno film with a well endowed male star. They could add some special effects tentacles and get an actress to pretend she was orgasming to the tentacle effects when they supposedly touched the appropriate places.

For the live show and more tentacles, long feely things and other type appendages...I hoped my contact at a certain Japanese High school might come through. He did come through, after I reminded him of a few things he did when drunk one fine day. But that's neither here nor there and really it's so Speciest anyway.

The floor show had pseudo pods, tentacles and elastic alien bodies a plenty. The show started with Mr. Tentacle, he lived up to his name. He was a human looking man with something EXTRA, his muscular hairy chest oiled to reflect the light for the floor show. His long tentacle arms swayed with the beat of the music. He occasionally would whip out a tentacle arm to stroke teasingly a women audience member. I hoped the police were NOT noticing that part, that no touching rule again. Or was it just the audience that's not supposed to touch the entertainment?

We had Mr. Bluppie next, I think he/it was a Mr. anyway. Imagine a giant green Jell-O mold that can dance, sing and makes shapes in sexually suggestive shapes. That was Mr. Bluppie, he got a lot of money thrown his way. All of the entertainers did, including Mr. silly putty, wow did the ladies like him. He advertised that he could just FLOW into ANY orifice and really vibrate a ladies problems away. There was Mr. Swim In ME - imagine if your warm fluid water in a swimming pool was alive, sentient and there to please and you have Mr. Swim In Me. The women went wild, they threw money, they screamed, threw open their blouses, offered these alien sailors a great many inducements to come home with them and set up house. I had to intervene when the women tried getting on stage and grabbing the alien men (again I think the aliens were all male). The law specifies NO TOUCHING of exotic dancers in these clubs you know.

Now that is how of course all this came about. I did NOT set up Mrs. Potive with an alien lover. If she went with one of the dancers AFTER the show, I can NOT be held accountable. Yes I know she was ninety years of age. Got to admit she had spirit though, I mean what a way to go. She kept Mr. Vibrate active and happy I hear for over ten hours straight. No wonder she had a heart attack! Mr. Vibrate is all torn up over it, he really liked the old gal. I hear the undertakers had to work over four hours to get the smile off her face.

Hey, now that is NOT a way to behave for an officer of the court.

Lousy system, my lawyers say I should plead insanity. I wonder what the food is like in the booby hatch?