CHAPTER ONE
Who the fuck locks their pantry? I know a lot of crazy stuff happened recently, but why would you waste a lock on some dumb storage closet when you could slap that shit on your front door and keep all those freaks out? Whatever, mister crowbar was more than willing to help me out and get me into those sweet, sweet canned foods. Kosher crackers, Mexican re-fried beans, a jar of pickled cabbage... whoever lived here either had an interesting ancestry or just spent a little too much time in the ethnic aisles.
Whatever, food's food and I'm sure as hell not that picky anymore. Maybe I'll have a little picnic in the living room with some of this stuff? Yeah, that'll be nice. I can draw all the curtains and I don't think any of the things outside will care if I take a little break from my scavenging. It's strange, you'd think there would be quite a few survivors moping around and shooting off guns and stealing each other's stuff but I still haven't seen a single normal person like myself.
Well, I guess I'm not that normal anymore, considering I might be one of a kind now. Talking to myself isn't helping my case either. Look man, when you wake up one day and the sun didn't come back up and the whole town was abandoned save for freaky-ass creatures wandering the streets, you're allowed to hold a little conversation with yourself here and there for sanity's sake. I mean, I guess I could just keep a journal or something like that, but that shit's for nerds.
Monsieur crowbar was very useful, but he wasn't much of a conversationalist, so that was out of the window too. Not literally of course, I still needed his special talents of breaking and entering. Was it still a crime if absolutely everyone was totally gone? Guess it doesn't matter since there's no cops here to hassle me. Alright, enough thinking about the hard existential questions, time to try and make it home with my precious tin can cargo.
One quick peek out the window confirms that there's no missionaries waiting outside the door. That's good because those guys are always annoying but it's bad because it means I'm still super alone. Oh, I guess there's no monsters either, so that's good. Time to go before any of those things sees me. One caught sight of me a while back when I first left my house and it made some super creepy hisses and shit and started coming for me. Luckily they aren't as smart as velociraptors so the good old 'shut the door' trick stumped it real good. I still sort of want to take a real close look at one of those weirdos but it's awfully hard to do that and be a big coward at the same time. Normally I'd up-sell myself a bit more, but hey, who's here to judge me?
Okay, enough dicking around, time to leave. Town still looks the same. No real damage or signs of chaos, it just looks like everybody decided that living in the same place as me was lame and fucked off. The sun was still hiding and I didn't blame him, this joint was downright unsettling now. The light fog and the semi-permanent dusk really killed the mood. Not that a ghost town is very jolly in the first place, but whatever.
Traffic wasn't too bad. Only a few creeps crawling or shambling around. Thankfully they didn't seem to be too fast or perceptive but I've never seen one sleep or eat or shit or nothin'. They just bumble about and occasionally stop to stand and look around, which is really weird 'cause I'm pretty sure they don't have eyes. They don't have clothes either. They do have titties and asses and pussies though, which kinda freaks me out. They have this smooth pallid gray skin and the general shape of a sexy-ass woman, but a blank face with no eyes or nose or hair. Just a mouth with big lips that they make creepy fucking noises with.
I was certain I'd see a few with big old dicks swinging around since there were obviously females out and about, but they either didn't exist or their weird monster society hadn't discovered dongers yet. Now that I think about it, that's probably a good thing considering how that one that saw me seemed real determined to get closer. Okay, I'm starting to freak myself out so best just to focus on getting home. My laziness had ensured I stayed in my old place, so no moving to a swanky house in a nice neighborhood for me. Nope, my end-times hideout is a small basement apartment under a house that once belonged to a bangin' milf of a landlady named Maya. Shame she wasn't around, I might actually have a chance with her now, being possibly the last man on earth.
Avoiding the scary sexy titty monsters is easy enough if you're patient and don't run, just like mom taught me when I was little. Teaching me not to run I mean; not the titty monster part. I don't think mom had any hot tips on surviving the big-boobed monster post-apocalypse. No tailgaters so I'm free to take Maya's back door like I always do. It's the principal of the thing, you understand. I don't keep this door locked so I can slip in real quick if I have to, but the big chunky padlock I put on the basement door did need one of the keys on my key-ring.
Finally, I was home. Now I could light a candle or two, crash on the couch and eat as much chicken soup as I wanted while I read cool books like 'One-hundred and one ways to tell if a guy likes you' and 'Awesome makeup tips for the modern Cougar'. Maya wasn't the most sophisticated reader. Whatever, she made up for it by being super hot before she disappeared with everybody else.
Alright, the book selection sucked, but I'd heard fables and rumors in the old days that there was an ancient tomb filled with vaults of written knowledge called a library somewhere down the road. I'll trek down there tomorrow and see if I can find any dirty books to whack off to, that'd boost my mood for sure.
Fuck, I can hear something banging or crashing around upstairs in Maya's house. I was just starting to have a good dream too, Maya had found her way back home somehow and was going to teach me how babies were made. Goddamn, whatever's up there is making a shit-ton of noise! I'm going to have to go deal with it. Mister crowbar is coming with me, for moral support of course. Well, that's creepy. The noises stopped when I got to the door at the top of the stairs, but now I can hear something breathing on the other side of the door.
This is fucked, I'm done dealing with this shit and I just want to get a decent night's sleep. I'm going to open the door and then push this asshole down the stairs and tie it up or something so I can figure out what its goddamn problem is. Now or never, better do it quick before I smarten up and pussy out. Okay, door's unlocked, and the knob's turned, but nothing jumped out yet. Still hearing creepy panting. Oh hell with it, I'm swinging this door wide open and- holy shit it's one of those titty monster things and it's gonna fucking grab me unless I get out of the way!
