I was on a research trip, investigating the bogs and swamps of the Midlands. It was the height of summer, and it was so hot that I was sweating before I even got out of the car.
My job as a research student means that I have to get up close and personal with bogs. I find the spot I need to look at, then I change into a wetsuit, put on a snorkel and plunge in. My specialty is the various kinds of aquatic algae that live in the highly acidic water of bogs. But to be honest, the main reason I went for the job is that I just like bogsurfing â wallowing around in the slimy ooze of a good swamp.
I walked down to the particular area I had been told about. A friend of mine, a fellow researcher, had told me that there was something strange about the place that she couldnât put her finger on. âI donât know what it was,â she had said in the bar the previous night. âIt was just something in the airâŠI felt like I was being watched. Weird.â It looked fairly normal to me â a shallow depression containing the bog proper, ringed by moss. The air was hot and humid, with a lot of midges flittering over the ground. The only unusual thing was a short, thick, twisted tree on the lip of the bog, covered in ivy and vines. That made no sense â how could a tree grow in this acid soil? I decided to investigate.
It was such a hot day that I didnât look forward to putting on the wetsuit. I knew I would get very sweaty in it, plus I had never enjoyed the whole rigmarole of putting it on and taking it off. I considered for a moment, looked around, and decided that I wouldnât bother with it â I would go into the bog in just my swimming trunks and a snorkel mask. I stripped off my exterior clothes; I was wearing my reliable old red Speedos under my combat trousers. I took the snorkel mask from my bag, put it on and stepped into the bog.
It was only about waist deep, and refreshingly cool. The sun was beating down on my bare head and chest as I waded into the middle of the bog, looking for anything unusual. Nothing so far. I leaned forward and put my face under the surface; still nothing. There was a curious sweet scent in the air, faintly intoxicating. I waded further on and realised that it seemed to be coming from the tree. I went on, wiping the bog ooze off my forehead, and soon I had reached the opposite lip of the bog, where the tree stood. I climbed out and walked towards it.
It wasnât any sort of tree I recognised. The vines that covered it were thick and dark green, but they werenât ivy. The bark was a strange reddish-brown colour. It seemed to glisten. I stepped up to the tree and examined it. Yes, there was a vertical crack in the bark, about a foot long, at the level of my head, and the lips of this crack glistened with some sort of moisture. I peered at it. What the hell was this? It looked not so much like wood, more like some kind of animal tissue. The sweet smell was very strong. I pulled off my snorkel mask and tossed it on the ground. Then I put my nose to the crack and sniffed.
In one smooth motion the crack split open, yawned wide, revealing a glistening red interior with a spongy consistency - then it sprang forward, like a mouth, and engulfed my head down to the neck with a loud SCCHHHLUP!
âMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!â I screamed. The spongy red tissue of the tree had closed tight over my face and the whole of my head. It must have looked from the outside like I had got my head stuck in the tree. I thrashed wildly and tried to pull my head out, but suddenly, the thick, rope-like vines were snaking around my body and lashing me to the tree-trunk. I was panicking. Somehow I was still able to breathe â the tree tissue must have been porous enough to allow air to pass to my nostrils. The tree was clutching me to itself, the rough bark tight against my body. I was terrified that it was some sort of hitherto unknown flesh-eating tree, and that I would be digested. But it had something else in mind for me.