Dead and Horny

Hi, all! Here I am with the next installment of "Dana's Sidequest for Horny Monsters!"

New reader? Welcome! You should start at the beginning of Home for Horny Monsters Ch. 01, cause this book is a sequel to a spin-off! Don't worry, there is plenty of action, sex, and hand-holding to get you back to this point.

Returning readers? Welcome back! This chapter is finally going to confirm some major fan theories that you've been floating around, and I can't wait for you to read it!

We also get a glimpse of some more home life, and Death makes a guest appearance!

As always, thanks to all of you for indulging me in my girl-power lesbian/demon romp across the US with plenty of death and dismemberment. I put a schedule in my bio and have been working SOOOO hard to meet expectations for you, so make sure you check it to see when stuff comes out. Speaking of expectations, make sure you click those stars for me to keep the ball rolling, the readers here at Lit have helped me build something beautiful (and quite massive).

I won't spend too much time here, cause I've got so many projects for 2023 I'm working on. But we will all remember this chapter as the one where

Things Get Hairy

Dana sat at the breakfast table with a map of Florida laid out in front of her like a place mat. She stared at it intently, memorizing as many roads and street names as she could. True, her phone would do a much better job at navigating, but it wasn't like she had anything better to do.

"Death wants to know if you would like a topological one as well." Mike sat across from her with a stack of waffles drowned in peanut butter, butter, and syrup. It was the sort of fare that would give someone a heart attack, but based on the magic flowing through his veins and his semi-athletic build, it was likely his cholesterol levels were fine. She looked up at him, realizing she had been so focused on the map that she hadn't noticed Death speaking to her. The Grim Reaper sat to Mike's left while Tink sat on his right, snacking on a small pile of bacon.

"Nah, I'm not that--" She had been about to say bored, but remembered at the last moment that Death had been nice enough to bring her some of his cherished maps to begin with. "Uh...sure that I'll need them. But tell him thank you."

"She says no thanks, this should be enough." Mike was looking at the seat next to him where Death sipped his tea. The Grim Reaper had moved in last year, but due to Dana's unique undead condition, he was unable to see or hear her. Only people who had been near death in some form could see him, and Dana had that experience in spades.

"So you and Lily are heading out today?" Mike cut a piece of waffle and tried to stab it with his fork, but Tink was faster than he was and stole it. She gobbled up the piece and stuck her tongue out at him. "Can I interest you in a goblin helper?"

"Tink no helper. Tink in charge." She winked at Dana, then stole an entire waffle off the top of Mike's stack and crammed it into her mouth as Mike protested. The two of them began poking each other as Lily walked into the room wearing a sunhat and dark sunglasses.

"Spring break!" she declared, then tossed a beer to Mike. "I am off to the beach to knock up some co-eds and punch a dude named Chad in the face!"

"Please don't do either of those things." Mike frowned at the beer. "Where the hell did you get a PBR? I would never buy this."

"From Hell. We make people drink it down there." She pulled a six pack out of her cleavage, much like a stage magician, then ripped one off and tossed it to Tink. "Many people choose the lake of fire as an alternative, but I bet you'll like it."

"Tink, don't!" Mike couldn't stop Tink from biting into the can and tilting her head back to chug it. Lily cheered the goblin on as Tink tried to drink the contents down in one go.

"Blegh." Tink wiped her mouth and crushed the can on her forehead. "Taste like dirty asshole."

"Then why did you drink it?" Mike asked.

"Tink never poops at party." With that comment, Tink stole another waffle off of Mike's plate and bolted, leaving the crushed can behind. Mike grumbled about troublesome goblins under his breath while finishing his remaining waffle.

"So did you get what we need from Ratu?" Lily sat next to Dana and leaned back in her chair. "What sort of fancy gadget did you obtain for our trip?"

Dana pulled a chain with a small pointed weight on the end out of her pocket and set it on the table. "It's a pendulum," she said.

"No shit." Lily poked it with her finger. "Seriously, this was the best she could do?"

"Apparently she wanted to use a compass, but something about the Bermuda Triangle nearby makes it a bad idea. But look, it's calibrated so that it doesn't work on you, which was tricky." Dana picked up the pendulum and held it by Lily. "See? No reaction."

"Or it doesn't work." Lily snatched it from Dana and swung it back and forth over the table. "Ooh, look at me, I'm a fortune--"

The pendulum stopped in midswing, its tear-drop weight pointed near the city of Daytona.

Everyone stared at the pendulum until Lily let go of it. Dana half expected it to fly toward the spot it had pointed out, but it fell onto the table with a clatter.

"Didn't expect that." Lily scratched the back of her head and took off her hat. "Seriously, through a map?"

"Maps." Death leaned back in his chair, bowing his head thoughtfully. "Is there anything they can't do?"

"Can you ask Death if I can borrow this?" Dana put her hand on the map. Mike turned to Death and repeated the question.

"You may," Death answered, looking slightly to the right of Dana. "But I demand a heavy price in return."

"Wait for it," Lily whispered.

"I require a souvenir from Florida," Death continued. "Something with seashells, or maybe even a funny t-shirt. I have also learned of a thing called a Boogie Board, and am immensely interested."

"Deal." Dana folded up the map and tucked it into her backpack. The mimic Tick Tock usually acted as her luggage for stuff like this, but since he was carrying a magical tome capable of blowing holes in things, she had decided to leave him here. "So I guess we just need to go see if that portal is ready."

Lily rolled her eyes and stood. "You can keep the rest of these, Romeo." She shoved the remaining beers across the table. "I don't want them."

"Perhaps I should try one." Death reached for the remaining string of beers.

"Seriously, where did you get them?" Mike asked, then turned to Death. "Those are way different than tea. I don't think you'll like them."

As curious as Dana was to learn how Death felt about mass brewed lagers, she was eager to get started. She was in the living room when she heard Death shout, "Why would anyone punish their own mouth like that?"

Lily and Dana met Eulalie in the Library, where she once again took them through a series of portals that would eventually lead them to an AirBNB condo she had rented about a mile from the event center. It was chic with a view of the ocean, and Lily proclaimed it passable before wandering out onto the balcony. After putting some semen in the fridge, Dana set her backpack down on the couch and took a quick circuit of the condo.

"So I know it might be last moment, but there aren't any hidden cameras here, are there?" She had read about AirBNB owners who hid stuff like that in their rentals in the hopes of catching something sexy to watch later.

"Nah, this place is clean." Eulalie stared out the window, one hand on the glass. "Had the rats do a sweep first, then did my own. I can see outside of your visible light spectrum, which makes stuff like that a bit harder to hide. I also have a sixth sense for low amperage electrical circuits. Makes the backs of my legs itch."

"First time seeing the ocean?" Dana joined the Arachne at the window.

"No, actually." She frowned, then moved away from the glass. "When I was a kid, Uncle Foot took the two of us to go see it. Took a lot of convincing on our part, but my dad came with and the four of us had a proper adventure. Just a man, his best buddy Bigfoot, and his two monster babies trying to do a beach trip."

Dana smiled, suddenly reminiscent of her own beach trip with Alex once upon a time. "Yeah, those adventures can be the best."

"There were a couple of close calls, but we eventually made it to the beach. It was at night, so everyone but Dad could see just fine. Water was fucking cold, though. Didn't like all the salt either, kind of stung. Still..." A small smile tugged at the corner of the Arachne's mouth. "It's a good memory. I wish I had a brain like yours. That's probably one I would want to watch again and again. Velvet and I made a sand castle together while Bigfoot stamped out a moat around it."

"What did your dad do?"

"Hung out on the ridge with his rifle. Promised to scare the shit out of anyone who tried to come down the trail to the beach."

Dana looked back out the window. "Thought you said he couldn't see at night."

"He couldn't. Don't even bother asking, I always figured it was his military training. Some people have eyes in the back of their head. My father? Eyes in the rocks and trees, apparently, it was so hard to get away with anything. Though we did sneak off to check out a summer camp with boys one year. Was pretty harmless, but Velvet was obsessed. Me?" She shrugged. "I was far more interested in the gameboy some kid snuck in. Was all I wanted for my birthday the next year, along with some Final Fantasy game."

Lily walked back into the living room wearing a bathing suit and a pair of strappy sandals that were laced all the way up to her knees. "I'm headed down to the beach," she declared, forming a beach bag out of her demonic essence. "Gonna read a book and stare at tits, just as nature intended."

"You're not gonna help me scope the area out?" Dana asked.

"Nope." Lily pulled her shades down low and looked over the lenses. "We're doing that shit tomorrow, and I can always look around tonight. I plan on scamming dudes out of their beer, maybe sucking a little soul, then burying my feet in the sand, and just enjoying the waves."

Dana sighed. "You want company?"

"As a matter of fact...I don't." Lily strolled toward the front door, checked to make sure Eulalie wouldn't be visible, then left.

"What crawled up her ass?" Eulalie asked.

"Don't know. She's complicated." Dana flopped down on the couch. "You headed back now?"

Eulalie nodded. "I risk too much just by being here. I must admit, I'm a little jealous how easy you two have it. In regards to travel, anyway. I've always wondered what it would be like to go to a park or walk down the street without instilling terror. When I was younger, all I wanted to do was go inside a Radio Shack."

"Yeah, we take a bunch for granted." Even though she had a desire to slaughter and consume every person she met, Dana was still capable of being out and about. "Text us if you need anything."

"The same applies to you." Eulalie moved to the hallway closet where they had emerged. The portal had been chewed into the back wall, and a red metal bar at the top could be seen on the other side. "Remember, pull the bar for emergencies."

"Emergency portal closure, got it." Dana gave Eulalie a thumbs up. "I'll check in later."

"Do that. And Dana? Thanks." Eulalie backed through the portal and pulled the closet door shut behind her. This left Dana alone in the condo with her thoughts.

"Might as well get shit done," she muttered, pulling a change of clothes out of her bag. Twenty minutes later, she was in shorts and a halter top, walking across town toward the convention center. She had her phone in one pocket and the pendulum in the other with her collapsible sword on the back of her belt hidden beneath her backpack. It was hot out, and the tourists smelled of coconut oil and hot dogs.

On her way to the convention center, Dana stopped at a couple of tourist shops to try and find something for Death. Eventually, she settled on a boogie board with a picture of a skull on it that she thought he'd like. Paying in cash, she walked back outside and gazed up at the sky. There wasn't a cloud in sight.

The convention center was a bus ride away. She learned pretty fast that the boogie board was a bad idea. Not only did it take up too much space, but people were staring at her.

When she got off the bus, she was annoyed to see that the area was already being blocked off. The side of the building had a multi-story image of a man in a blue suit with a white button down underneath. Graying hair along his temples matched streaks in his goatee, and he was hugging a copy of his newest novel, My Word and His. Sun-touched clouds hovered behind him as if the man already had a foot in Heaven.

Deacon Osgrove was all smiles in his promotional picture. Dana had watched a few videos of his stuff and didn't know what to think. His sermons seemed genuine, and his reputation was surprisingly stellar. However, the giant mansion, multi-million dollar congregation, and the fact he had his own giant jet spoke otherwise. This was a man who put on a mask for others, that was for sure.

Circling the convention center, she was surprised to find a small gathering in the park across from it. The group was largely made up of older people, and they had formed a circle. With nothing better to do, she wandered over to see what was going on. The group had their heads bowed as if in prayer, and a figure wearing dark glasses and a baseball hat stood in the middle of them. He had his hands on the shoulders of a young woman with tear-streaked cheeks.

"And Lord, please bless your servant Maryanne so that she can find peace in the days ahead. Losing a parent is always hard, no matter if it is part of your divine plan." The man raised his face, and Dana immediately recognized the goatee. It was Deacon Osgrove in street clothes, his features solemn. "Help her to remember that they shall be reunited in your kingdom, the kingdom of Heaven. Know that our thoughts and prayers go with her, in the name of Jesus Christ."

"Amen," everyone said together, and then Deacon embraced the girl. Dana couldn't help but notice a larger man standing nearby holding a phone at chest level. The man wore a tight black shirt that revealed a neck so muscular that it looked like it was trying to swallow his head.

The small crowd clapped, but Deacon waved them down. "I am just a humble servant," he told them, but Dana wasn't paying attention anymore. She pulled the pendulum out of her pocket and held it out. If it had snapped to attention in Deacon's direction, she wouldn't be the least surprised.

However, it did not. The pendulum did nothing but hang.

"Damn. That would have been too easy." Dana crammed the pendulum in her pocket and watched the crowd for a couple more minutes. It was clear they were trying to avoid a full spectacle, but she also noticed a couple of videographers making rounds through the crowd and interviewing people. This was clearly a staged event, and Deacon was playing for his online crowd while connecting with a few of the locals.

The convention center was locked up tight, but Dana knew how to get around that. There was an office building nearby that was undergoing a remodel, so she snuck along the exterior and moved down the side of the building until she saw the fire escape. Making sure that nobody was watching, she ran up the wall and jumped and grabbed onto the railing with one hand. She tossed the boogie board up and then easily pulled herself up and over the railing.

"This is why people buy souvenirs at the end," she muttered to herself.

The security door at the top was locked, but it took her less than thirty seconds to get in with a shim from her bag. It was yet another thing she had picked up watching instructional videos in the middle of the night, along with lockpicking and cooking the perfect omelet. She opened up the door to reveal a mostly empty office space with massive tarps draped over some of the unmovable fixtures, like a reception desk built into the wall. The windows were being replaced, which meant scaffolding had been set up just outside.

Dana sniffed the air, relieved that she wasn't picking up any scents. It was a Saturday, and from below, it didn't seem like anyone was working, but there was no way to know for sure. Grateful that she was sufficiently hidden, she found herself an office away from the stairwell and opened up her backpack.

The small racing drone she pulled out was a thing of beauty. Tink had assisted her with the design, which meant it was not only fast, but perfectly balanced. Dana spent ten minutes inspecting the equipment before pulling out the accompanying headset. Using the remote, she launched the drone out the window and let it hover as she slid the accompanying headset over her eyes. The camera in the drone sent a video feed right to her eyes, giving her the visual sensation of flight.

"Let's see what you look like on the inside," she muttered, then knelt down as she flew the drone over to the event center. On her knees, it would be easier to focus on the drone and not worry about wandering around the office.

She circled the event center a few times before spotting a loading bay that was open. Grinning, she flew the high-speed drone through the doors and was delighted to see that she was backstage. The building seemed empty, but she knew there wouldn't be much time before someone heard the high-pitched buzz of the rotors. She needed a map of the inside, and fast. Between her photographic memory and her piloting skills, it was going to be easy.

🧟🧟🧟

The Expedition had to circle the block a few times before finding a parking space. Lynn smiled over at Tasia, who had fallen asleep again.

"I'm starting to think you're part cat," she said with a grin.

"I'm part something." Tasia groaned when she opened the door and bright light flooded the interior. "Damn, where are my sunglasses?"

"Here." Lynn opened the glove box and pulled out a pair. "I always keep a spare set."

"Thanks." Tasia put the sunglasses on and sighed. "So where are we?"

"Local research and development. We can't tell you how many weird things come out of the Triangle. All these guys do is either study it or clean it up. There was an actual ghost ship out here last year, freaked out some of the higher ups."

"Why would it freak them out?" Tasia closed the car door and moved to the curb. They were outside a real estate office with pictures of available properties plastered on the front. Rumor had it that some of the field teams who set up places like these would actually close a couple of deals a year to maintain appearances.

"When I say ghost ship, what do you think? Ship full of ghosts or a ship with nobody on it?"

Tasia shrugged. "Guess it could be either."

"Or neither. The ship itself was a ghost, a phantom. They weren't sure what happened, but it was some sort of inter-dimensional affair. They even called in a guy who specializes in those. Turns out the ship was literally in two places at the same time. A knight lost his damned hand when he tried to board the thing." Lynn walked to the door of the office and knocked on the glass. A woman with blonde curls wearing a dress suit came out of the back room and let them inside.

"Good afternoon. My name is Renee." She shook Lynn's hand and then stared at Tasia. "And I'll say, you have no idea how excited I am to meet you."

Tasia raised an eyebrow, but didn't say anything.

"You're actually a bit of a minor celebrity ever since we heard you would be in the area. Please." She led them through the waiting room and past some offices that were away from the street. "Ever since we heard that Project Alpha--"

"That was the old name," Lynn said.