Hi, all! It's the season for spinoffs and I'm back with the sequel to Dead and Horny!
New reader? Yeah, start at Home for Horny Monsters. This is the sequel to the spinoff that happened during book 3. It's complicated.
Returning reader? Welcome back, I missed you! I've appreciated the positive feedback on the last chapter and I hope the rest of the story doesn't disappoint. Not only do I get to expand HFHM lore outside the scope of Mike and the gang, but it also gives me a break from the main story to refocus my efforts.
That and I get to channel my inner Lily. I recommend this process to everyone, especially if you deal with difficult people.
Anyway, thanks for all the love, I couldn't keep doing this without you, make sure to check my bio for scheduled posts (like Book 7, coming soon!!!), and I hope you enjoy this chapter, because we're about to see our friend,
The Oracle
The last time Dana had broken into a top secret Order facility, she developed severe heavy metal toxicity, took a bullet in the head, and went on a trip through time in an Elder god's filthy mouth. She would have felt more apprehensive about this go around if she hadn't found herself staring at a map of the facility as well as a couple of detailed pictures of the Oracle chamber that Zel had drawn up after letting Lily into her dreams to see it.
Dana was in Eulalie's room again, the Arachne hanging from her web right in front of Dana.
"Tea?" Eulalie offered a mug to Dana.
"Thanks." She took it more out of habit than anything else. When you didn't need to eat or drink, you soon noticed just how much time people spent doing so while in each other's company.
Eulalie's rats stood around the table conferring with each other over the chamber drawings. They chittered in a mixture of sounds often punctuated with bits of English. Some time ago, the rats had realized it would be a good idea for more of them to pick up the language, but their mouths weren't conducive to speaking human languages. Some, like Reggie, had no difficulty pronouncing words, and Dana suspected it had something to do with snout size.
Eulalie, to her credit, had picked up a bit of rat-speak. It was amusing to hear the Arachne chitter at her subjects, because there were times she would mispronounce something, and Dana could have sworn she could hear the rats laughing at her.
"So where's Lily?" The Arachne sipped her chamomile tea and rubbed the egg in her lap affectionately. It was strapped to her belly with thick strands of sticky webbing that sometimes collected small items, like paperclips or pens.
"Stocking up on man juice." Dana leaned back in her chair and sipped at the tea. To her, it had almost no taste at all. Since tea was just flavored water, she assumed her body processed it somehow.
"Ah. Straight from the source?"
"If you close your eyes, you can almost hear Mike gasping for air." Dana smirked. "Yeah, she's convinced shit is going sideways, and I agree. We're about to essentially teleport directly into the deepest part of an Order base to talk with their resident psychic. Lily believes we'll get maybe ninety seconds, if we're lucky."
"Then you'd best prepare your questions." Eulalie turned toward her computer monitor and looked at the rats. The rodents all faced her and one chittered. "Sounds like they're ready."
"You're not having them chew their way in from here, right?"
"Of course not. First I'm going to have them open a few portals that we can easily collapse. Kind of like bouncing a signal all around the planet so it can't be traced." Eulalie tapped some keys and a global map appeared with red circles on it. "Five different locations, all untraceable. Three of these are government facilities that have been abandoned in foreign countries, so that may give them false leads, assuming they even track you that far."
"You're sure they're abandoned?"
Eulalie snorted, then leaned backward in her web so far that she actually turned upside down, her dangling hair sweeping along the floor.
"Girl, please." When she winked, it was just with one of her human eyes. The arachnid eyes all along her forehead eerily reflected Dana like security mirrors in a convenience store, scrutinizing her in whatever bands of light Eulalie could see. The Arachne twisted until she fell free, one hand wrapped protectively around her sister's egg. "Let's get you back to the nursery."
Having nothing better to do, Dana followed her friend aimlessly into the room where Velvet's egg spent a good chunk of its time. Arachne eggs were notoriously hardy, and capable of hatching in very short amounts of time if needed. However, the Arachne inside had a much better chance of success if given a proper incubation period. Time didn't technically pass in the Library, so the egg stayed here only when neither Eulalie or Mike could safely watch it.
A pair of rats with hand-crafted aprons were waiting nearby. When Eulalie set the egg in its nest of blankets, the rats brushed some smudges that looked suspiciously like Cheeto dust off of the egg's shell.
Eulalie stepped back and contemplated the egg, her features suddenly hard to read.
"When your girlfriend died, how long was it before you would wake up in the morning and know that she was gone?" Eulalie's fingers pulled at a piece of webbing she produced from a pocket on her skirt.
"Not until I died, honestly. And only because my brain is like a tiny computer now. If I actually slept, I imagine I would wake up and it would be like I had simply closed my eyes and jumped into the future by several hours." She put a hand on Eulalie's human thigh. She would have put it on her friend's shoulder, but the Arachne was too tall. "It's not something I ever got over, and I don't think it ever goes away."
"I know, but...all these feelings are just so...heavy. When I'm in the middle of something, I'll forget that she's not around anymore and I'll call out for her to come check it out, or make a note to mention it later to her, and..." Eulalie put a hand over her mouth. "Oh, fuck, this is so the pot calling the kettle black, isn't it?"
"Preaching to the choir is more appropriate." She patted Eulalie's leg, marveling at how thick the muscles felt beneath her skin. If Dana were to crack her friend open, she imagined she'd taste like crab with butter sauce. "We're both entitled to our grief, just because my dead brain is all fucked up doesn't mean you have to walk on eggshells around me."
Eulalie snorted. "Was that intentional?"
"What?" Dana looked at the egg. "Oh, shit, no. I would rather die than tell puns about your egg baby."
"I adore your dead girl humor." Eulalie approached the egg and put her hand on its swirled gemstone surface. "Sometimes, I can feel her moving. Do you want to feel?"
"Not really." She contemplated the egg. "Part of me is afraid I'll hurt the egg. Zombie strength, you know? But I also worry that I'll screw her up. I've heard how she zaps people, like Mike does, from inside her shell. What if my condition can affect her?"
Eulalie picked up the egg and turned around. "Touch it."
Dana considered the glossy surface of the egg, noting how the light diffracted off the colorful swirls adorning its surface.
"Wow, these are shiny." Dana stared at the small cluster of colored dice that had been dumped on the wooden table in front of her. She picked up the d20 and held it up like a jeweler appraising a gemstone. "Are these made of gems?"
"Yeah, but they're junk quality," Velvet replied, going through a small collection of leather pouches, each one adorned with a different symbol. "Mom and Dad used to supplement their income by selling bits of gold and ore they might come across. For obvious reasons, she was really good at spotting stuff like that. These were made from some bigger pieces that couldn't be cut down without cracking. The d10 has a crazy flaw through the middle that looks like a lightning bolt."
"I see." Dana set the die back down and considered the collection. "How did you guys make these?"
Eulalie picked up the d20 and gave it a test roll. "Uncle Foot did most of the work and got them to the right size. Dad cut the angles using his tools, and Mom carved the numbers. I like to use this set whenever I play a magic caster."
"What are you playing now?" asked Dana.
"Druid." Eulalie pulled a bag over and emptied it on the table. "These are carved from deer bones."
"Are all of them hand-made, then?" She looked across the small collection of bags. The girls had invited her to play a game of Dungeons and Dragons with them and she had accepted. The occupants of the cabin had been a huge surprise for her, but she had quickly latched onto both of them. Eulalie was a big nerd, and had been eager to add someone else to the party.
"Yep. Not exactly like there's a lot to do out here." Velvet laughed. "Well, that's not true anymore now that we have internet. The nineties, though, they were rough. It was still just books and the occasional movie, so arts and crafts was absolutely our thing."
"Mom made a bunch of these bags." Eulalie picked one up and gave it a gentle toss in the air. "I like that she still gets to be a part of our adventures, even though she's gone."
"I know that feeling." Dana sighed and sat back in her chair, thinking of her dead girlfriend's motorcycle. "You want to feel like you're carrying a piece of someone forward, that they somehow still exist. Which they do. Know that for a fact, actually."
"Oh?" Velvet perked up at Dana's words. "Is it because of the whole zombie thing?"
"Partially. I live with a woman whose job it is to escort people to the afterlife. Unless she's a supernatural con-artist, I'm inclined to believe there's enough evidence."
