And to be quite honest I couldn't have told him everything right then anyway. I had all of these memories in my head and no sense of what order they may or may not go in. I needed some time to let things fall into place. Rest assured that I did tell him everything.
There were few things I knew for certain: I had a people, the Neko. We were much more warlike than the Meh-teh in that instead of retreating into the Mountains to avoid humans and protect the Forest we fought them with everything we had.
I also had a mate. Ours was a relationship based on communication and trust. Many of the romantic notions the Meh-teh held in high esteem were shunned by my people. Having experienced both, I didn't know which was better....or if one really was better than another. I just didn't know.
The last thing I was sure of was that I wasn't welcome to go back to my people. The reason for my memory loss was that my people had beaten me and left me for dead. I remembered several of our warriors surrounding me and using their feet to kick and stomp me until I lost consciousness. Dod, who was my mate, was nowhere to be seen. Our culture dictated that he was to protect me. He was my dominant.
That is not to say that I generally needed protecting. I was one of my people's warriors and had much training. But in either case, he wasn't there.
There were other things I knew, but was less certain of. I didn't know why I needed protection if I were a warrior. I knew that I'd done something to anger my people, but no idea what that was. The humans in the story Roth told me were real, but why we hated them was a mystery. Where the humans lived was unknown to me as well as Roth and the Meh-teh. They'd not been in the Forest for nearly a hundred Winters. I briefly entertained thoughts of finding the humans. If I found them, I might be able to find my people. I wanted to think that forgiveness was possible. But I knew it wouldn't be. They'd beaten me and left me for dead.
Perhaps the biggest mystery to me was how I'd gotten to the Forest. Here the Winters were cold, the summers temperate, and there were different kinds of plants and animals. Where my people were it was hot all year long and it rained a lot. The animals in our Jungle were more dangerous and many had poisons in them. These were two very different worlds. How I would have been able to make a journey of that kind of distance as injured as I was was something that was hidden from me.
The one thing that seemed to be the same in both places was the reverence for the night and for the Moon. Both of these cultures were very close to nature and nothing from nature was ever taken for granted. They had respect for that which gave them sustenance. But the Moon had a special place for them.
Roth and I had had many chances leading up until now where we could have mated. He'd respected my want to wait. The feeling that I'd had before had turned out to be correct. I was somewhat torn now. I had a mate who didn't protect me from the beating I'd received and yet I was still loyal to him. That was a part of me I couldn't bring myself to give to Roth. I had no qualms about anything else, be it a physical act or submitting to him and letting go to have the experience he gave me. I could do all of that, but I had no desire to mate with him. I, in fact, had an aversion not only to it, but to the very idea of it.
I half expected Roth to want to push me further, to want to mate with me. But he was patience incarnate. He pushed me to the edge of my limits but never beyond. I was happy to have the relationship with him that I did. In many ways it made me happy and we continued to grow. What developed was a relationship based on trust and communication; much like the one I'd had with Dod. But this one wasn't about the sex. We didn't need it.
Unlike the rest of the Meh-teh who were curious about everything that had happened as well as about my past, Tiber spoke very few words after that day. She performed her duties, but with an air about her that said she was a broken woman. Whenever I asked her to do something, she would always lower her eyes and reply, "Yes." And then the task was always completed.
I felt sorry for her and wondered occasionally if death would have been better for her. If it would have been better for me to have killed her that day. I would never know.
I awoke one morning before sunrise two Winters later for my hunt and found that Tiber had left. I thought that she'd gone off by herself for awhile, as she sometimes did. She hadn't. She'd left. I tracked her as far as the river, but there were no tracks on the other side. I immediately went back for the others and we searched for her for five days and never found a trace of her. With Winter approaching, we weren't able to search any longer than that. It was decided that she had probably gone off to die. And if she hadn't, then she would have to find her way back to us.
We found her the following Spring as the snows began to melt. She'd gone into the river and made her way
upstream
for what would have taken two or three days on foot; longer in the water fighting the current. Once she'd gone far enough, she'd dug out a place at the foot of a giant tree, went to sleep and never woke up. None of us, including myself, thought to check upriver. It never occurred to us.
The Meh-teh were deeply saddened by this. We'd all thought she'd died, but having that certainty stare you in the face was entirely different. I felt something other than sadness for her, and it wasn't pity either. I found myself looking at her with more respect than I had before. She had been determined to die. It wasn't something that happened while she sat idly by. She did this on her terms. While I can't respect taking one's life, I can, and do, respect someone not being willing to allow their lives to continue in a direction they don't want it to go in. That is something to respect. I cried for her that night.
And we can't forget about Jun. His story is nowhere nearly as tragic, nor interesting, as that of Tiber. Unlike the death of Tiber, this does make me sad. There is no honor in it. Jun was never trusted among the Meh-teh again, so when he started complaining to others about how he should be leader and that all in due time, he would get it back from Roth, he was exiled. He spent the rest of his days wandering around the Forest, careful to stay away from the Meh-teh. I don't know when or where he died, but I'm sure he has by now.
~~~~~
Once upon a time, I thought I wanted what Roth and I had to continue forever. What we had together was great: mutual respect, good communication, real trust, and intense pleasure.
As the Winters passed, I became increasingly aware that Roth aged much faster than I did. I aged, don't get me wrong, but nowhere near the pace in which the Meh-teh did. Roth's fur began to slowly turn white and when he reached the point where he could no longer lead, he passed the position on to Gynon, who proved to be wise beyond his years. Roth became an Elder.
And this brings me to the end of this part of my story. This part. And before you say anything, I know that I didn't go into detail with the last few events I told you about. Those details were irrelevant. What you should take from this is that I was happy. My relationship with Roth ended when he died and I made the decision to move on to somewhere else. Was his death sad? Was I sad that he died? Of course I was. But we had something that was fulfilling for both of us. Take from this that not all relationships have to end on a bad note. They don't. Take from this that a relationship is what you make out of it, we certainly did.
Dominari est amare.
~Dania
