Christmas:
the annual Christian festival celebrating Christ's birth, held on December 25 in the Western church.
A festival I was
never
able to celebrate with Jerry.
The thing was; my parents were born Catholic. I remember celebrating this occasion annually without fault.
Until they died.
With no other living relatives, I bounced around like an object-never staying in one place long enough to call home.
That's where Jerry came in.
Once I hit eighteen and I was fresh out of High School, I was on my own. That was both a good thing and a bad thing. No one guided me. There were no processes that explicated the responsibilities of being an adult.
I met Jerry while working a late shift at a diner. He was tall, muscular, and kind. He asked me out on a date...and things became pretty serious after that. I was in love with the idea of love; enthralled that I was no longer alone, fending for myself. I ignored the signs; those little prickles of warning that gave away his intentions.
I became dependent on him; losing myself along the way. He was oppressive, subjugating me in a prison of my own rendering. I could have left many times. I could have asked for outside help. There were resources.
Abuse isn't so easily dismissed.
I was alienated. When you're in your own head with no escape, things tend to get muddled. Change becomes impossible. Words and physical power become your worst enemy. I blamed myself for allowing it. I blamed myself for seeing no other way out.
Until he almost killed me.
My life was more important than the idea of being alone. I was willing to try...to find my own rhythm of adulting.
Then Ethan came along. Although he was overprotective, he was not Jerry. He was everything I was
originally
looking for in a male all those lonely years ago. And I began to remember times of my childhood that I had repressed.
Halloween, and Christmas'. Easter, and Valentine's Day. All reasons to celebrate the fact that I am alive. That I'm breathing. That my heart hasn't given up the ghost and that I am strong.
I was
not
alone. But I wasn't inhibited either. I wanted to take back all of the things I lost with Jerry. I wanted my birthday back. I wanted Thanksgiving back. I wanted Christmas back.
And I was going to take it no matter what.
"So...when are we getting a tree?"
I sat in an ice-cream shop with Ethan and Gavin. It was afternoon and despite the frigid cold, the sun was shining, and the air was clear.
Ethan took a spoonful of his chocolate ice-cream, talking and eating simultaneously. "You want a tree?"
I played around with a few strawberries in my cup. "Yes. You don't have a tree. Why is that?"
He was sitting across from me, wearing the sharpest black sweater, dark-blue jeans, and black, high-top boots. He opted out of a coat. "I haven't celebrated Christmas since I was a toddler."
Gavin barked out a laugh and leaned into the table so I could hear his lowered reply. "And
that
was well over two hundred years ago."
Ethan elbowed him in the ribs, causing Gavin to scowl like a child. I chuckled. Gavin had a child-like quality; constantly testing his Beta boundaries. On several occasions, he wouldn't even bother referring to Ethan as Alpha. He'd call him cuzzo, bro, male, gramps, and a couple of other choice words I'd rather not mention.
A few times, Ethan would have to remind him of who he was speaking with. On others, I could tell that Ethan was on the verge of beating him into submission. Then, there were the days where Ethan would hide a smirk; only allowing such insubordination and disrespect because Gavin was his beloved cousin and second in command.
Today was
not
one of those days. "Can you at least a
ttempt
to act human?" Ethan asked lowly.
Gavin's brows furrowed. "I would like to think I am." He took a giant spoonful of cookie dough ice-cream and swallowed it whole. "Besides, my Luna here absolutely adores me." He tossed me a wink.
Ethan growled and I laughed.
"By the way," added Gavin. "I want a tree too."
I reached over the table and grabbed some of Gavin's ice-cream. He never seemed to mind that I shared with him. "Thanks, Gav."
He shrugged and leaned back, resting a thick arm across the seating in the booth. "Can I pick out ornaments?"
That made me excited. "Yes!"
"Now wait a minute," interjected Ethan. "I didn't even say yes."
We gave him a look. "You're going to anyway. Can I taste your ice-cream, Ethan?"
He offered me his cup without hesitation. Gavin looked me over. "You never eat that much ice-cream, sugar. You ate breakfast?"
"Yeah," I said with a mouthful. It was so cold, I got brain-freeze. "But the strawberry tastes yucky."
They both chuckled. "Let me taste it," said Ethan, snatching my cup and sampling it. "Sweetheart, it tastes fine."
"It tastes weird to me."
"You want another flavor?" asked Ethan, glancing at the window.
I knew what he was doing. Gavin was doing it too. They were scanning for any signs of Dina. "Not really." I also knew that it took a lot for Ethan to take me into town with Gavin. After Edwin's funeral, it took him a few days to gain a semblance of normalcy.
He was trying.
I was grateful. Once again, he sacrificed his needs for me. He continuously expressed his selflessness, never allowing me to feel alienated or neglected.
"Switch with me," said Ethan, sliding his cup across the table. He was facing the window while I sat on the opposite side.
"Are you sure? You love chocolate."
He took my cup. "I love you more. Now eat so we can go Christmas shopping."
I felt my face flush at the sentiment. Ethan had no problem expressing his adoration for me in public. "Really?" I squealed in delight.
They chuckled again. "Yes really, my love," he said.
I leaned across the table again and offered Gavin my hand. He gave me a high-five. "Can we get presents too?" I asked, now eating Ethan's ice-cream.
"Sure," said Ethan, finishing off my strawberry.
Gavin polished off the rest of his cookie dough, giving me a few more spoonful's before he finished. When we were done, Gavin left first to secure our route, only coming back when he was certain we were in the clear. I huddled into my coat and held Ethan's hand, bouncing from store to store. Eventually, we found a store stringently dedicated to Christmas. It reminded me of Santa's Toy Shop. Or a rendering of what I
thought
it would look like, at least.
"How big do you want it?" asked Ethan.
I froze, nearly dropping a snow globe. Was he referring to a tree?
Ethan laughed and walked over to me, pressing his warm, strong body against my back. He placed his hands on my hips and lowered his head to speak softly against my ear. "Where has your mind wandered, my petal?"
I placed the snow globe back on its shelf and shivered. Ethan laughed softly. "Um...uhhhhh...I, er...ummm...what were we talking about again?"
He laughed even more. "The tree, sweet female. The tree."
"Oh...that." I turned and faced him, wrapping my arms around his neck. He was so tall, I had to tip-toe, and it was still difficult. He lowered himself to make it easier for me. "How tall are you?"
His brows shot up. "Why?"
