Even as I'm explaining it, I can tell you don't really understand where I'm coming from.
"Soooooo," you say, drawing the word out long and slow, "you want me to rape you?"
I sigh. I've been trying to explain this for a while now. "Yes and no. It's called consented non consent. We both know it will happen, we both agree to it happening, but we both act as if you are forcing yourself on me."
"But babe," you say, still looking confused, "can't we just have rough sex?"
I am really struggling to make you understand this. How can I tell you that for so long now my relationships have all involved me taking the initiative, me taking the lead, and that I find the idea of being completely helpless and out of control a turn on?
Eventually I do the only thing I can do. I point you towards my favourite non consent stories on Literotica. "Read these," I say. "Read them, and think about how you would feel to be the man in those stories, bearing in mind I actually want and welcome everything you will do to me."
That's the end of the conversation. You are going away tomorrow for a few days and you promise to read them and think it over. I'm not convinced you will, but a couple of days later I get a text.
'We would need a safe word. I'm scared of genuinely hurting you more than you can take'
'Of course,' I text back, 'that is a given.'
'So what would it be? Your safe word?'
That throws me a bit, because I really haven't given it any thought. Obviously things like no and stop are out of the question. What word could I use that we would both remember, and that would stand out enough to get through to you?
After some thought, I reply with 'pineapple.' It's an easy word to say, and definitely not something one would usually blurt out in the midst of sex.
I expect some kind of sarcastic response, but nothing. I figure you must be busy, you are away with work after all.
I still haven't heard anything later that night, which I find slightly weird, so I decide to have a shower, get ready for bed and then try calling. I usually try not to pester you while you're away for work, but I just have this strange feeling hanging over me. After my shower, I'm so preoccupied with wondering why you haven't responded yet that I make it all the way from the bathroom to the bedroom before I register that all the lights are off.
I pause in the middle of the room, confused. Did I turn off the hall and bedroom lights before going into the bathroom? It isn't something I would usually do, but my mind is definitely on other things. I shrug and step towards the bed to grab my pyjamas.
That's when the figure dressed all in black steps out from the shadows in the corner of the room, making me jump and shocking a scream out of me. It's clearly a man, I can tell by the height and shape, but he is completely covered other than his eyes, which are exposed by a black balaclava covering his face.
Before I can recover from the shock, he strides over to me, spins me around, pulls me tight against him and wraps his hand around my throat, squeezing just enough to make me aware of the breath panting in and out of my throat.
"Hey bitch," he snarls in my ear, his voice deep and rumbling, "I've been following you for days. You're so distracted all the time, it was so easy to follow you back to your house and watch you. And then you made the stupid mistake of leaving a window open. It's like you're fucking begging to be attacked."