I hadn't realised how late I'd been working. It is at least seven o'clock by the time I realise, and it is already properly dark outside. I stand up from my desk to stretch, and take a look around the office.
You are the only one still left -- everyone else had gone home what seemed like a long time ago. You catch my eye as I look above the cubicle divider, and wink at me. My heart surges, my hands going clammy. What am I thinking? I'm a married woman, and I shouldn't be feeling that familiar tugging of desire below my navel, not for you. I've told myself that I'm off limits, that you will not have me, because I made a promise to another man a long time ago. But still the flirting with you leaves me breathless, leaves me with fantasies which should never be voiced.
You're coming toward me now, running your hand through your short dark hair, lean body moving with perfect ease as you cross the floor. My heartbeat speeds up even more. I'm remembering the emails we sent each other, you promising to make me feel like no one else ever had, your quiet arrogance about your sexual prowess, the way you managed to get me to tell you my deepest desires. I know the things I told you were wrong, that I shouldn't be telling you what gets me off, or that I find you attractive, but the compulsion persists. I breathe deeply as you reach my desk, casually sitting on the edge, your eyes flicking unashamedly over my breasts in their silk blouse.
"Rough day?" you ask, casually ignoring my rapid breathing and the sudden flush that I can feel has coloured my face. "I've had to do a lot more than usual as well."
"Oh, come off it," I snort. "I know you're just hanging around so you can get me alone to take advantage of me."
I immediately regret this the moment it leaves my lips. Your slow smirk, and the way you look me directly in the eye makes me quiver. I can feel myself getting wet, just thinking about you. I try not to let it show, not to encourage you further. I force myself to think of something else. Of going home to my husband, of cooking him dinner, of watching TV and not having sex for yet another evening. No, my life is not idyllic, but I must remain true to my promises.
I smile uncertainly back at you, trying to keep my cool, and start to pack up my belongings to go home. I don't feel safe to stay another minute in this empty office with you. I don't think I'll be able to keep my one man policy unless I leave immediately. I bend to retrieve my handbag from under the desk, and can feel your eyes on my behind as I bend down in my tight pencil skirt. My face starts to burn again.
You still haven't said anything after my last flirtation, and I try to relieve the tension by finding something flippant to say. But I'm struck dumb by how much I want you to take advantage of me right now. My mind is flipping through my own personal store of pornography as I pack up and close down my computer.
I imagine you sweeping everything off my desk and throwing me onto it, shoving my skirt up past my thighs, popping buttons on my blouse to get access to my breasts, my thighs, my skin, the warmth of me. I imagine your hands running all over me, doing the things you said you would in all of your emails. I imagine the danger of it, that we could be caught at any minute, my legs wound around your back, head thrown back in ecstasy.
I imagine you pushing me up against the wall of the office, taking me from behind, with just pure lust, nothing more. I imagine your hands entwining in my hair, pulling my head back as you whisper your deviant mind into my ear.
In the real world, my imaginings haven't taken more than a couple of seconds, but now, I find that you've moved ever so slightly closer to me. We've never touched before, with the exception of the occasional accidental contact, which left trails of fire across my skin. Now your thigh, from your seated position on my desk, touches my backside ever so slightly. It seems like an accidental touch, but I know it probably isn't. My skin sings, and I push back against you slightly, partially in an attempt to move you away from me, partially (but not admitted even to myself) to feel the warmth of you through our clothing.
In an attempt to regain my composure, I say goodnight, ready to go home. You push yourself off my desk, and to my great dismay, say, "I'm just on my way home too. May I walk you out?"
"No!" I want to scream. I need to keep faithful. But I don't, because although I've promised that I'll never love anyone else but my husband, I want to do things with you that I've never done with anyone else. So instead, I nod dumbly, a distinct feeling of the inevitable coming over me. I tell myself that I can resist you, that nothing will happen to me. You are a perfect gentleman, I'm sure. But I also know with absolute certainty that if you decide to take me tonight, I probably won't want to fight.
We walk slowly down the corridor together toward the lifts. We pass a couple of high level executives in their offices, busy on late night phone conferences, but they ignore us as they chew their gum and talk shop. My awareness of everything is heightened: the click of my heels on the marble floor, the feel of my skirt rubbing against my legs, the warmth of your skin reaching across the tiny gap between us. Your arm brushes mine because you're walking too close to me, and I flinch, moving to make more space between us. But you move closer to me again, until I am just skimming the wall in my efforts to avoid your touch. You're talking about something, but I can't hear what it is. The blood is rushing to my head, making me feel dizzy.
We reach the lifts and you reach out to push the button. You bump me with your left hip, friendly enough, to catch my attention.
"You OK?" you say, concern on your face, beautiful green eyes wide.
Not really, I think. I want to push you against the wall, be the sexual aggressor. I want to kiss you, make you moan, make you lust for me the way I do for you. But I don't tell you this. Because I'm a good girl.
"Yes," I say, "Just tired, that's all".
You half smile at me lazily. "If you were mine, you'd be tired all the time."