The palms of my hands sting and burn, my knuckles white under my taut skin but I do not loosen my grip on the steering wheel. The road is straight and empty but I check the rear view mirror every few seconds expecting to see Alex behind me. I am relieved at each and every glance but a horrid unsettling feeling buries itself deep in the pit of my stomach.
I have no idea where I am going. Just an overwhelming need to get as far away from Alex as possible. As far away as I can from the stranger I have been sharing a life with. I can't fathom how the man I loved, trusted, shared my darkest desires with is the same man I just witnessed in the library.
I try to formulate a plan but with no family I am stuck. All of my close friends I know through Alex and I know in my heart their loyalty lies with him. A sobering thought occurs to me, even if I did have living relatives, I would only be putting them at risk. I am I realise truly alone.
As the minutes turn into hours memories of Alex interrupt my thoughts, except now I do not look back on them fondly. I look for the lies, hidden clues, anything that could help make sense of all of this. I think about how much of a fool he must have thought me. Hanging on his every word. Believing he was one person when clearly he was another. I feel so many things, far too much for one person to process in one go. I feel sick and betrayed but overwhelmingly I feel scared.
I may not have ever known the real Alex but I know how intelligent he is, how calculated he can be. I realise I can now add ruthless to the list. I am out of my depth here and deep in my core I know no matter where I go he will find me.
As the sun begins to rise I pull over onto a dirt path. It strikes me as odd that when my world is falling apart the world itself continues it's routine like any other day. Leaning forward in my seat I pinch the bridge of my nose between my finger and thumb and try to think of a plan. Where am I going to go? Where even in bloody hell am I? I haven't once paid any attention to the road signs.
I realise now that is probably a good thing. In fact that is the first smart thing I've done. He is going to check all of my favourite places surely? Won't he assume I will go somewhere familiar? Yes, being in the middle of nowhere right now is a good thing.
Out of nowhere silent tears start falling from my eyes. Flashes of Alex in the library pour into my mind, I can hear the words he spoke as clearly as if he were saying them to me right now.
"Less of a trophy but definitely a whore,"
My clenched fist slams on the steering wheel causing the horn to sound off loudly and a group of birds fly out of a nearby tree startled by my outburst.
"OK Mia, now isn't the time! You need a plan. A real good fucking plan." I say aloud attempting to gain some clarity.
Alex is smart, so god damn smart. I know I need to be smarter.
Looking down at myself I see my first problem. I am wearing a t-shirt and nothing else. No shoes, no pants, hell no fucking knickers! My palms are red and my knees stained with dry blood. I surprise myself by letting out a giggle albeit a nervous one. I am hardly incon-fucking-spicous! I am bound to draw attention to myself looking like this.
I pull down the visor to reveal a small mirror. Taking in my reflection I realise I look worse than I thought. I look bat shit crazy. My long brunette hair is tangled and matted. My cheeks are wet and my usually vivid green eyes are now dull and lifeless. My whole face is puffy and sore from the tears that have been spilling.
I spot the holdall on the passenger seat."Oh please, please, please," I say aloud hoping I find something, anything of use.
Dragging it onto my lap I pull back the zip and my hands explore. I toss the magazines I find onto the back seat. Next I find the plane tickets and our passports. I throw the tickets onto the back seat with the magazines but place the passports next to me on the passenger seat.
I find a brown envelope filled with Euro notes and place the envelope on top of the passports. Downing one of the two bottles of water I find, I place the other in my keep pile. I empty out the rest of the bags contents which include a digital camera; my fluffy flight socks; half a pack of cigarettes with a lighter stuffed into the box and Alex's I pod.
Stepping out of the car I note how the early morning breeze feels soothing against my raw face. I light up a cigarette. Having only ever tried a cigarette once before I start coughing as soon as I inhale but strangely I find the cigarette calming so I continue. Taking the magazines and flight tickets off of the back seat I dump them in the empty boot and repack the holdall with my supplies.
Taking to the road again I vow to focus and look for somewhere with signs of life. Eventually I come across a quaint village and park up opposite a small array of shops. My eyes fall upon a tiny convenience store, a post office, chemist, second hand shop and bank. I spot a couple of people out walking their dogs but otherwise the place feels deserted.
None of the shops are open yet and I use the time to try and think of a plausible reason for entering any of these the way I look. I consider putting on the fluffy socks but worry that will make me look crazier. Is that even possible? I think to myself.
Ideally I would go into the second hand shop first and find something ... anything to wear. But with only Euro's I am going to have to go into the post office first. I cringe and try desperately to think of another plan but sooner than I would like I see an older man make his way to the post office and unlock the door.
With no reasonable explanation for my appearance I grab the holdall and make a painful walk of shame from the car to the post office. The bell ding's loudly as I enter.
"I will be with you in a minute," A gentle voice calls out.
Standing at the till my face burning in shame I just prey he is quick. Just get in and get out before this place fills up.
"Ding!"
I hear an audible gasp from behind but I do not turn around. If the ground could swallow me up right now I would willingly allow it. I know my face is a mess, my feet are dirty and my knees are covered in blood. This person gasped just from seeing the back of me!
I feel a lump in my throat and curse the tears forming as a result of my shame. Feeling incredibly self-conscious I gently tug the t-shirt I am wearing down but know it does little to hide my modesty. My face is growing hotter and hotter and I just want to run out of here as fast as my legs will carry me.
Instead I stand knowing if I leave I will only face the same shame in another village or town.
The post office worker comes out from the back room humming pleasantly to himself and lifts his head with a smile only to come to a sudden halt.
"My god, are you OK? Have you been in an accident?" His face etched with concern.
It Physically hurts to speak with the lump in my throat but somehow I manage. "Please could I change these Euro's to pound notes?" I pull out the envelope and place it on to the counter.
"Lovey, what is going on, are you on your own, is there someone I can call for you?" The man asks reaching for the phone.
The person stood behind me now steps forward and I can see from the corner of my eyes she is a small elderly lady, maybe late 60s with a grey perm and a plump figure. She places a hand on my shoulder and I physically flinch under her touch but do not move from under her hand.
The lady speaks, her voice gentle and calm. "Hows about we get this lady her money Patrick?"
