Used And Abused In Shame

This is the first part in a story about a woman who can't control her needs and cravings. Whatever she does or allows other to do to her causes her to fall deeper into her shame.

Please that this story been edited slightly.

Thank you Triggers_Dragon for help with linguistic review and proofreading.

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I do exactly as I was told and I do it like a sleepwalker. Deep down, I know this is wrong. I shouldn't do it. But I can't help it. I have to do it. My body craves it. Even if my brain and my mind send out warnings, I know I will. It's gone too far. There is no stopping. It must happen.

I have my orders and I follow them. Get my body ready. All hair below my neck should be removed. I shaved and waxed everywhere so I'm completely smooth and hairless. The hair on my head must not be too long or in a shorter coiffure. I even went to the hairdresser and cut it in a shorter style. Not boyish, still feminine but shorter than usual. I'm not allowed to wear any jewellery so I take off rings, necklaces and bracelets. Nothing on the body must be in the way or disturb. How I dress doesn't matter but I should have makeup. Lots of makeup. 'Imagine what makeup you would wear on a Friday night at the pub if you want to be picked up and put on double', it said in the instructions.

How did I end up here? How did I come to this? I'm a smart and well-educated woman. Not a stupid, easy to persuade, bimbo. I have my own will. I earn well and have a nice apartment in the better parts of the city. I'm not yet 30 years old and looking good. Quite small, with a fit body, light brown hair and green eyes. I have always taken good care of my body and I care about my appearance.

So, I look good and often get compliments for that. Even though I live alone, I have never had problems getting men, but I have never "met the right one". I often hear that "you look so good; you shouldn't have any problems finding a man".

But it has never really felt right with anyone so far. There has always been something missing.

Over time, my sexual fantasies have become clearer, or to be frank, worse and rougher. I masturbate every day. Often several times and it plays out like "movies in my head" how I get used by faceless men when I do it.

They use me, humiliate me, rape me. Treat me like an object, a fuck doll. In my imagination I'm bound, beaten and humiliated. Nobody cares what I want, I'm just a hole for their pleasure. When these fantasies are playing in my head, I get so horny and have to cum, to have an orgasm. I use my vibrating dildo or my wand, I have several, and I cum over and over. Sometimes I slap my face and punish myself afterwards. I'm so ashamed of what I feel so I have to be punished. A normal woman shouldn't feel this way. It's so wrong. Sometimes, when I've felt really horny, I've tied my legs wide apart and masturbated. I've even called myself names like 'whore', 'cheap slut', or 'cum dump'.

I have never dared to live my fantasies out with any man. I have always been a bit of a coward. I have asked a few men to slap my face and to be rough when we fucked. Some have done it, but without right feeling. They did it because I asked, not because they wanted. Some have refused. They've probably seen me as a freak or a pervert.

I started surfing the internet and found some movies. I discovered a few that really turned me on; Bound gangbangs, kink.com and movies like that. One day I found a site, Fetlife.com. I searched around, read a lot there and it was like a new world opening to me. It was so exciting. I created a profile and got a lot of contacts. Chatted quite a bit and realized that I probably wasn't as alone in this as I had imagined. Maybe there were more freaks like me out there... Maybe there were more women with the same problem and ambiguity as I...

And maybe there'd even be someone who'd like to give me what I need; a match, so to say. Most of the men I talked to were boring. They just wanted nude photos or have me as an exclusive slave who did things IRL which I should take pictures of. Or meet over live cameras. Those guys almost made me give up and leave the site. So single-tracked, dull and immature.

Some were exciting to chat with and to a few I even dared to talk about myself. One man in particular. We talked, more and more over time. I gained confidence in him. He never made any demands or asked me to do things like other men. He just asked about different things and made me tell more. Sometimes he told a little about himself, but the conversations revolved mostly around me and my dreams.

After a while, it became an important part of my life. We had daily contact. The dreams developed and became needs. What I dreamed about and had as fantasies when I masturbated became something I craved. Needs that I should implement. In our conversations on Fetlife, he drew all those things out of me. I told him everything.

I confessed my fantasies, down to the last dirty detail.

Slowly but surely came the feeling, the need and the craving that I had to live this out. I had to try it for real. Life is too short to not experience what I dreamed of. It turned out that we didn't live very far from each other and after a while I made my decision. To be frank, my body made the decision for me.

I would make my fantasies come true...

...It didn't come as a huge surprise when a direct order came without notice.

I hadn't received any information, question or warning and he hadn't written anything about it in our chats. But I was still not surprised. And somehow, he had prepared me and I was ready. I received a clear order:

"Come to this address with an exact date and time."

"Make no other plans for that weekend."

"Your body should be completely hairless below your head. Shave and wax."

"Make sure your hair doesn't get in the way. Get yourself a functional hairstyle."

"Wear no jewellery."

"Imagine what makeup you would wear on a Friday night at the pub if you want to be picked up and put on double"

"What you wear, the clothes, don't matter."

"Text this number when you leave. It takes about two hours for you to drive."

"AND DON'T BACK OUT NOW WHORE. YOU KNOW YOU NEED THIS."

"I need an answer, yes or no."

The hard language and the degrading words came as a complete surprise. Was that the dream I wanted? Would my fantasies come true? I needed a day before I answered with trembling hands.

"Yes, I'm coming. What will happen?"

"You will see when you come," was the answer.

That was two weeks ago and now it's time.

These two weeks have been pure torture. My emotions have been tossed and turned; sometimes incredibly excited, sometimes terrified, sometimes both.

I've changed my mind every hour. Should I dare to go or should Ibe a coward? Should I really go to a completely stranger, an unknown man to whom I have told all my dark secrets and dreams? Anything could happen.

But I've never masturbated as much as I did in those last two weeks. I'm a very conscientious person. If I have promised, I have to. I can't go back on my word. I CANNOT act cowardly, I said to myself. And I was pretty easy to persuade. My body helped.

Everything was ready. Now all that remained was to send the message, get in the car and drive. I picked up the phone and sent it.

"I'm leaving now. I'm in the car."

I looked at the phone but there was no answer.

'Maybe,' I thought, relieved 'there won't be anything. It was just some kind of bad joke.' I drove for two hours, my emotions swirling. I was so horny and so scared. Part of me kept telling myself to turn around and go home, but then the very next moment I'd find myself wanting to stop and masturbate.

I did nothing but continue, my mind in a fog until I arrived at the address. It was a large villa, a bit distanced from other buildings. As I parked, I noticed there were some other cars outside.

I took a deep breath, opened the car door and got out. On trembling legs, I went to the front door and rang the bell.

Nothing happened.

I called again. Nothing.

Just as I was deciding to leave, the door opened.

In the doorway stood a dark-haired man in his 30s or 40s. Fit, well-toned, strong. He looked me up and down and said in a dark voice.

"Come in."

I don't know what I was expecting, but maybe something more welcoming or something to lead off my hesitation. Not this.

Wordlessly he led me inside and closed the door.

As he started talking his dark voice made everything sound like a command.

"You have your last chance to back out. If you stay, you are completely in our power. We will do exactly what we want with you. Forget those silly things like a safe word. You have none. You are here for us; our pleasure and we will do what we want. Your body isn't yours anymore. it's ours. On the other hand, your dreams will come true. You will get what you need and your body craves. So now is your last chance to back out. This is the point of no return. Answer!"

I heard the words "we","here for us", "you will get what you need".

I was so scared and yet so horny that I just nodded and stood completely still. I made no attempt to turn around or walk out or run. To run would probably have been the sensible choice.

"Good", he said. "Now, undress."

I just looked in front of me. I guess I opened my mouth but I said nothing.

"Undress", he barked again. "We do not have the whole day, whore."

There was no going back. I had passed the point of no return. Slowly, with a blushing face, I began to undress. I was so ashamed. I undressed in front of this unknown man as he watched me, brazenly. I now knew why he'd told me that what I wore wasn't important. I wouldn't be wearing it for long.

The skirt, the blouse and the shoes came off. Soon I was standing in just my underwear. I was about to ask if 'everything' meant 'everything' but realized it would be a stupid question. Undress meant everything. I undid my bra and pulled down my panties. Now I stood completely naked in my shame in front of him.

As if he was talking about the weather, he said.

"Hands behind your back. Grab your left elbow with your right hand and the same with the other."

I did as he said and he went behind me.

I saw out of the corner of my eye how he took out a roll of some kind of tape I've never seen before. Slowly and firmly, he began to tape my forearms together behind my back.

He did it all the way up on both sides until even my hands were taped in and attached to my elbows. Now it was impossible to use my arms and hands and I couldn't get loose. Not a chance.

When he was done, he walked around and looked me up and down. He walked around a few times and just looked. No touching, just looking.

I was ashamed. I wanted to sink to the floor, but of course I couldn't. There was nothing I could do to get away from his eyes. He just said calmly.

"Not so bad... you are good enough."

Then he took out a black leather collar with several rings on it and fastened it around my neck.

After that he said.

"Open your mouth"

I obeyed.

"More."

I opened my mouth as much as I could and he stuffed something in it and walked around and attached some straps on the other side of my head.

I realized I couldn't close my mouth. He had inserted a ring gag. Now I was really exposed. My arms were taped behind my back, my mouth couldn't be closed and I was collared.

I became even more scared, ashamed to be exposed like this. But my body had reacted. My pussy got wetter and wetter.

He attached a leash to the collar, pulled it and spoke.

"Move, whore."

I stumbled after him as we walked through the house. We entered a large room full of men. I didn't dare to look up, I was too ashamed. He pulled me into the middle of the room. The men were well dressed and made a circle around us. I was the only one who was naked.

"This is the whore I told you about. I don't know her name and it doesn't matter. Who cares? She's just a whore, three holes we can use as we want. You have all read and heard about her perverted fantasies. She's ours until we're done with her and she knows she has no safe word. There is no way out for her. This is her fate and she has accepted it."

I was completely crushed. He had revealed all my fantasies that I thought I told him in confidence. He had revealed everything. They knew, and now I was completely handed over to them. I didn't know who they were, not even how many.

He removed the leash and pushed me abruptly against the men. They continued to push me back and forth in the human ring. They pushed me around like a rag doll. Someone slapped my face; another slapped my ass, a third pinched a nipple. They called me things.

"Whore, slut, cum slut, useless."

They continued to manhandle me. Someone had a hard leather paddle and hit me with it. Another spats in my face. I was completely helpless and soon I was exhausted. I could not resist and after a while I had no strength left. They pulled my hair. Put fingers in my mouth and pussy. I heard someone say.

"She's wet, the whore is wet. She likes this. How can anyone like to be treated like this? There must be something wrong with her."

Someone grabbed my hair and held me still; some others held my legs wide apart and another pulled out a wand and held it against my clit. I tried to free myself but it was of course impossible. No matter how I fought, it couldn't get free and my body betrayed me. I started moaning and rubbing against the vibrating tool. Someone started talking in my ear.

"You know you're a whore and we all know that you'll behave as such. You get turned on being humiliated and beaten."

He continued to talk and they continued to massage my clit. After a while, I couldn't resist. I came. I came hard, getting my release in the hands of those brutal men.

They let me loose and laughed.

"This must be the cheapest and most perverted whore I've seen," I heard.

Someone took out a large black permanent marker pen and drew a line on my stomach. Then they continued pushing me, spitting on me, hitting me, manhandling me.

Someone picked up a nine-tailed whip and used it on me.

Suddenly someone pushed 2-3 fingers into my pussy and started moving them in and out. Someone else put his arm around my neck and held me. The fingers drove faster and faster in and out of my now very wet pussy. He who held me said.

"You know we'll fuck you. We will rape you. We will use all your holes. You're just some holes. You're nothing but a fuck doll."

And then I came again, even heavier than the first time.

They continued to laugh and a second line was drawn on my stomach...and they continued to manhandle me.

I had lost any sense of time. I don't know how many times they slapped my face. I began to realize that I was what they said. A cheap slut, a whore, some holes they could use. I was nothing else. I felt completely useless.

They just kept going. Someone pushed a large butt plug in my ass. At regular intervals, they stopped and forced me to an orgasm. When I had five lines on my stomach, I had reached a level close to fainting.

"I think the slut needs to rest", someone said, and he was met with more laughter "...but she also needs something to drink."

He took his cock out and someone pushed me down to my knees.

He stood with his cock in front of my red slapped face and my ring gag open mouth and I thought, now they will start fucking me. They will start to rape my mouth.

Then a hot liquid came out of his cock right in my face and in my mouth. It took a few seconds before I understood. He was pissing on me. Pissing on my face and in my mouth.

Now I really had reached the bottom, now I really was as useless as they told me. I WAS WORTHLESS.

When he was done, he pushed me down on the floor so I lay helpless on my back, wet with piss all over. Someone put a boot on my face to hold me down, pressing my head hard to the floor. I heard the buzzing sound of the wand. I couldn't help it. I had been aroused by the total humiliation. I came there on the floor, soaked in piss, with a boot in my face, a wide-open mouth, and a big butt plug in my ass.

I was down to the bottom. I couldn't sink lower. I really was nothing.

After drawing a sixth line, they pulled me up on shaky legs.

"You're a disgusting useless whore. You've had your fun, soon it'll be our turn."

They fastened the leash on the collar and pulled me out into the yard. They took out a water hose and sprayed me with cold water. They used a brush with a long shaft that you use to wash cars with on me. I didn't think I could sink lower but I could. And in the midst of my despair, I noticed the lines on my stomach hadn't disappeared in the wash. It must be strong colour in the marker pen.

When they were done, I was freezing, they took me inside and pushed me to the floor in a corner of the room. Nothing to sit on, no towel to dry me off or blanket to make me warm. But someone took the ring gag out of my mouth. It was probably the first merciful gesture I had experienced since I entered the house.

Or maybe they didn't think they needed my mouth open anymore. Either way, it was nice to be able to close my mouth again. My jaw was really sore. However, the butt plug remained in place and my arms were still taped together behind my back. (And the room looked good, someone seemed to have cleaned the piss off the floor.)

As if through a fog, I heard them drinking beer and eating. I couldn't move. It was like I was paralysed. They commented on me and how much fun they'd had so far. The most common words I heard were "the worst whore we met", "total slut", "cheap fuck doll" as they laughed and made high fives.

Then I listened as they started to plan how they would continue. They weren't done with me, yet.

The real gangrape hadn't even started.

When they'd finished eating, I watched as they carried a table and some other equipment into the room. A solid looking table, with metal bars that stood up like curved antennae. They brutally forced me to my feet and threw me across the table.

The metal bars had rings on them. Their purpose became apparent as I found myself locked in place, my legs wide apart and my knees pulled up. I was lying like in a chair for a gynaecological examination. My legs were tied so tight and spread I couldn't move them at all.

The table was short so my head hung over the edge. They fastened my head with a leather strap around my forehead to a board that was attached on the side of the table. I was completely stuck and saw the world upside down.

They put straps around my hips and shoulders and attached them to the table. I was totally immobile. I could not move an inch. I lay on my taped, aching arms. No one seemed to take any notice about that or how I felt. I was an object, a thing and nothing else. I was completely open and vulnerable. I couldn't do anything to protect myself or my body.

That was clearly not enough. The ring gag was put back in place in my sore mouth so I couldn't close it. Then they attached two clips to each labia. The clamps each had their own strings. The strings were pulled and fastened, I guess, somewhere on the table or on the metal bars. In any case, the result was that my pussy was now fully spread and opened.

Then one of the men took out the butt plug. He took a good look and said:

"Wow, what holes. Come and see. You can see straight up into the whore."

"Yeah", another guy said, standing on the other side of the table. "From this side too", as he looked into my mouth.

Despite all the humiliation and all I had to put up with so far, I felt even more ashamed, more defenceless and more vulnerable than ever. Now I really was just a set of holes.

When I opened my eyes I saw, from my upside-down position, a lot of naked men with rock hard cocks. Now it was going to be their turn. They went to a bowl and each took a note and then lined up in two queues. One at my head and the other between my legs. Then they just started to fuck me.