I should have realized that I throwing my kids in the pool could be a problem for my back. But what the hell, they grow up quick, having fun with them is what makes life great. So, I spent the warm afternoon launching one preschooler after another. They pretended to be cannonballs and airplanes and superman, each of them running back and pleading ‘one more time!’ I had a blast, and my wife got a well-deserved beach break.
Later that night I stretched as usual before bed and damn it, I felt that sudden snap meaning one of two things, either a couple of days of advil or a serious disk problem.
I had been lucky for years, the problem always passed, but not this time.
“Terry, you have another disk rupture, this one is not as bad as the last, but it may need to be repaired.”
“Any options other than surgery Doc?” I inquired.
“A few, and I suggest we try them, the success rates are low, but it may work in your case.”
Four weeks passed and I was just about to give my last option a try. I arrived at the hospital early in the morning and waited the usual two hours before I was taken into the outpatient area.
“Remove all of your clothes and place them in this plastic bag, put this gown on and tie it in the back” the nurse droned as she sped to the next station.
When she returned, I was given a Valium and left alone to wait for the anesthesiologist. Over the next forty minutes, a doctor and two nurses managed to stab me ten times, pump anesthetic and cortisone in my spine take numerous blood pressure readings, and ultimately dump me in the recovery room.
When I awoke, I immediately realized I was pain free. What a feeling! For the past month, I suffered nothing but back pain. Now, the only thing I felt were the needles and shunts sticking in both arms, making it impossible to scratch my face, which needed a shave.
I tried to sit, but my legs would not respond, I had no feeling in them, which was weird and I panicked for a moment, until I remembered the doctor’s pre-procedure dissertation.
I looked at my motionless legs, my feet poked out of the sheets. I also noticed a huge bump right in the area of my man package. Wow! What the hell was going on? I felt nothing, but had a raging hard-on. I touched it, it was stone, it felt like it would break if bent.
“Good afternoon! I’m nurse Swanson, and I’ll be your recovery nurse today. How are you feeling? Any light-headedness? How’s your stomach?”
“Actually, I feel great, no pain at all,” I responded.
“That’s because you’re under an anesthetic that blocks all feeling below your waist,” she detailed.
I didn’t dare take my eyes off her’s. My tent pole pushed the sheet upward. She made notes on the chart. I watched her closely as she replaced the board and began tucking the sheet over my feet. Her eyes met mine and she smiled as she looked directly at my pup tent. I felt my face flush as she walked from one side of the bed to the other with my erection in full view and no ability to cover it.
“I’ll leave you to rest for a few minutes and return later to check the bandage from your tap.”
“Ok, thanks”, I said
I must have dozed off for at least a half an hour, before I was awoken by multiple voices.
“Hi again, I’m back to check your tap, how are you feeling? Stomach ok?"
“Yes, fine thanks.”
I looked around, and there must have been seven or eight young nurses standing inside my recovery area.
“Say hello to the future class of 2007, Saint Mary’s Hospital Nursing School,” she announced.
A weak ‘hi’ was all I could get out, I could see the two girls at the foot of my bed already staring at my erection. They made eye contact, and smiled slightly.
“Do you feel the need to go to the bathroom?”
“No, not now.”
“Not even a little,” she inquired again.
“No.”
“Hmmm, failure to urinate from prostate gland swelling can be a complication of this procedure,” she informed the class.
“The patient has received enough anti-dehydration intravenous fluids to facilitate evacuation,” the lecture continued as she reviewed the chart once again.
