Too Drun to Say No

To be honest there have been so many times it is difficult to know where to start.

I asked the questions about whether a woman ever asks for it. I feel (perhaps it is not right, but I feel it) that I have been so stupid that I deserved it sometimes. My psychiatrist and all the counsellors say that a woman never deserves it, but sometimes I know that I have been very stupid.

There have been times in my life when I have been so out of it on drugs or alcohol that I haven't known where I have been. When this has happened I have often had unsafe sex – is that rape or just being a slut? I really don't know to be honest. But I can say that I have never had a sexually transmitted disease or been pregnant. Amazing, hey?

There is one time I can mention. There have just been so many times. And like all of those times I cant quite remember all the details. Just one image followed by another image, and sometimes I'm not sure what the time-order of the images should be.

There were three of us, me and two friends. We were in a pub in a part of Sydney that is known for being sleazy. Prostitutes and brothels all over the place. We drank and drank and got more and more drunk. This couple came and joined us. They seemed cool and eventually my two friends wanted to go home.

I insisted on staying. Both of them tried to talk me out of staying but I was stubborn. Hey, I was with a couple, so they were fine. He was dressed nice and she seemed OK. So my friends went home.

I remember drinking lots and lots of beer. They drank spirits, I think, scotch and stuff. he had white trousers, I remember that, and dirty runners. She had long dark hair and she had these little starts stuck in the hair, I have no idea how she did that. I was 19 when this happened. They were about 30.

I remember standing up and nearly falling over. I was so out of it that I don't know if it was alcohol or something they put in my drink. I'm being too over-dramatic now. Drinking with the medication I have taken almost all my life is a bad, bad idea. It wipes out my memory, it is a stupid thing to do.

We went outside and it was warm, so it must have been summer. It was late, about 1.00am. this particular pub is open 24 hours a day. That's Sydney for you. I walked with them, god knows where, and we walked down a steep hill, it was the main street, and they started getting in a car. I got in the back with the girl, which I thought was nice, as normally I would have expected her to sit next to her boyfriend, who was driving.

The car went off, I felt a bit sick. The car stopped. Don't know how long it took. We were in a street somewhere but there was no one around, totally quiet.

The girl put her arm around my neck, like she was going to hug me. She slid across the seat as if she was going to get out of the car, opened the door, held my shoulders, holding them down so that I was on the flat of my back. The other end he opened the door and he put his hands on my knees.

I didn't know then that he was going to do it to me, I really didn't. I tried and tried to get up, but because she put her hands on my shoulders it was so easy to hold me down. I never said 'no.' I just tried to get up every so often. He undid the laces of one of my shoes and through it down, and he did the other shoe as well. I was wear blue jeans and I felt his hands undoing my belt, undoing the buckle.

I put my hands down to try and stop him but she put her hands underneath my armpits, pulling my arms away. There was no doubt that she was helping him, that without her he might not have been able to do it. The zipper on my jeans came down, and he pulled and pulled, grabbing my jeans underneath my thighs to pull my jeans down.

He wasn't satisfied with just pulling them down to my knees, he pulled them down to my ankles. He then did the same with my panties. They were ones I bought myself for my birthday, there was rainbow going across the front of it. He ripped them when he pulled them down. It actually cut into my skin and it hurt.

He got into the car and lay between my legs. He was heavy and she didn't have to hold me down anymore. I felt him hard, but there was a problem, I don't know what it was, he couldn't get it in me. He mauled me all over, touching my breasts and my head and my mouth.

He put his mouth down to my breasts and bit my nipple. Really hard. I yelled and he bit the other one, and he used his forefinger and thumb to squeeze my nipple really, really hard. The girl said 'the bitch is loving it.'

He was then hard enough to push himself inside me. He went in all the way, after three pushes he was all the way in. so there I was, being fucked in the back of a car. But was I really raped? It was so stupid of me to go with them the way I did. It was just stupid.

As he lay there raping me I listened to the music that was on the radio. She had lit a cigarette and was listening to the radio, while her boyfriend raped me in the back seat of the car. I just lay there waiting it to be over.

As it turned out he didn't want to cum inside me. He pulled out and then masturbated in my face. He then rubbed it all over my face, wiping his hands dry in my hair.

When he finished he had a cigarette as well. They laughed and kissed. I just got dressed, put my shoes on without socks and sat in the back seat of the car. There was no point running away now.

'Come on' he said 'better get you home.'

When we got back into the city I directed them back to my place.

I opened the door and got out.

I went inside and went to bed.

I just lay there on the bed, looking at the ceiling. What had happened was going through my mind and I became horny. I masturbated till I came, visualing what had just happened to me.

How sick is that?