Thank you Gustavca for your help with editing this story
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There was a possibility I was pregnant with William's child and the guilt and self-reproach for what I had done was overwhelming. I had felt drawn to William. He was physically attractive, smart, and ambitious. He treated me as if I mattered to him, was important to him regardless of racial and social taboos. I think William, in his own way, offered closeness and intimacy with another person, something I so desperately wanted and needed but I couldn't get from Robert.
I broke it off with William never telling him about the pregnancy. My tears and regret, along with his anger, recriminations, and of course hurt masculine pride filled our last meeting.
"Suppose I'm not ready for it to end?" he said angrily. "I could fuck you right here and no one would know, Cass. I could bend you over, fuck you hard, put your ass in that buggy and send you home, wet with my cum dripping out of you and you wouldn't tell a soul, would you?"
He'd never spoken to me like that. I had never felt threatened or frightened by William, but I did that day. He came toward me and I flinched when he suddenly lifted his hand. He looked at me, surprised at my reaction.
"Did you think I was going to hit you?" he said with disbelief in his voice. "Go home, Cassie . . . go home."
That was the last time I saw or heard from William.
Though not perfect, our lives soon fell into a familiar pattern. Robert was usually at his office in town during the day and I spent most of mine gardening (his mother had cultivated the most beautiful rose garden), working with my horses, visiting friends, charity work and occasionally substituting at the school.
I did not leave Robert, learning I was pregnant all but made that impossible. Except for Janine, no one else knew I was expecting, not even Momma. It was difficult not to tell her, I think in my heart I knew it was Robert's child but, the fact remained, I had been with both men and the possibility of either being the father was undeniable. I didn't feel I could deal with the questions or the necessary lies, and so I said nothing for as long as I possibly could. It was still very early in my pregnancy and, if Janine was right, with my small frame and this being my first baby, I might not become obvious until my fourth or maybe even fifth month, time enough for me to figure out what I was going to do.
*****
Janine and I were in the garden gathering the last of the roses one afternoon.
"You feeling okay, honey?" Janine asked.
"Oh yes, I'm a little tired, but I feel fine," I said.
She turned, picked a few more flowers then, out of the blue, "When was the last time you seen William?" she wanted to know.
I looked at her puzzled.
"Janine, why would you ask me about William? You know I ended it with him. I haven't seen or heard from him in weeks."
I stood there watching her, remembering the last time William and I had been together, feeling more than ever convinced I had made the right decision. The pain and heartbreak from Robert and the betrayal of Janine had felt crushingly oppressive for a long time; William helped me see that I could be happy. What happened between William and me was wrong, and as horrible and insensitive as Robert could be, he was still my husband.
Nothing in my background or experience had prepared me for my marriage or life with a person like Robert Grafton. Though I could never forgive and forget the things that had happened, I tried desperately to reconcile what I had hoped my life would be with what it actually had become.
The sound of Janine's voice startled me out of my revelry, "I said, I guess you don't need to worry about him anymore, good riddance. I know you cared about him, Sweetness, but we both know it was for the best." Janine repeated herself.
"What do you mean, I don't need to worry about him?"
Janine took a deep breath and pretended she was arranging the flowers. "Last I heard he married that girl he'd been seeing. He'd gotten her pregnant, you know. Seems William got into some kinda accident, and they just all a sudden packed up and moved all the way out to Toledo Bend."
"Janine, that makes no sense at all. William had worked very hard to get his business started here and his brother is here too. He'd never just pack up and move away like that," I said.
"Well, I don't know about all that, but that's what I heard."
That night at dinner, we were talking, and without thinking, I foolishly asked Robert if he had heard anything about William Lathrop suddenly moving out of town.
He stopped eating and looked at me guardedly, before saying, "As a matter of fact, I did hear something about that. I was at William's shop a few weeks back and it was boarded up then. Pendleton says he decided to move to Toledo Bend out in Sabine County. His new wife has people up that way."
"Robert, that doesn't make sense," I said skeptically.
"You seem awful interested in this William. You and William were friends, weren't you?" he asked watching me closely.
"We were acquaintances," I said, unable to look at him. "You can't have forgotten you've had him here working off and on for at least the last three or four months."
He got up, walked over to the open dining room window and lit one of his cheroots.
