I knew that getting home for Christmas was going to be an ordeal, but I had no idea just how much of one it would be. Getting from Tulsa to Houston is hell of a drive, and my daring plan to surprise my family bright and early on Christmas Eve meant driving for nearly 12 straight hours 8 p.m. to 8 a.m. The landscape between the two cities isn't exactly varied. As a result it's very easy to lose track of just how fast you're going since the view out of the window is so uniform. So despite my intentions to keep under 80 the entire way I found myself doing nearly 90 by the time I heard the sirens and saw the familiar blue lights in my rear view mirror around 1 a.m.
"Shit," I muttered. "Looks like Barney Fife set up a speed trap."
I pulled onto the shoulder and looked into my side mirror as I saw the trooper get out of his cruiser and come strutting up to my window. The night made it hard to see much other than the shape his frame, and even that was hard to determine since he had a heavy jacket on in the December weather. All I could really make out was that he was a big man-tall and broad. He tapped my window with the butt of his nightstick and I rolled it down.
"I clocked you at more than 20 miles over the limit back there," he drawled with a thick accent.
"Sorry officer, but I'm just trying to get home for the holidays."
"License and registration." I handed him the requested items and sat in silent anger as he strolled back to his car. I still had at least six hours ahead of me, I was already pretty tired, and now this dipshit of a lawman was trying to be a big shot even though it was the holidays.
After what felt like an eternity the officer returned with his same slow amble. "According to the computer you've got a few outstanding tickets back in Oklahoma."
I groaned. Those things were a couple of low grade parking tickets and this prick was going to bust my balls over them. He sensed my frustration and gave me a sadistic grin as he threatened, "Technically I could book you for this."
"Officer, what will it take to make you let me off with a warning?"
"Son, you're up to your neck in trouble as it is and that sounds suspiciously like an attempt to bribe an officer of the law. Please step out of the vehicle."
I bit my tongue to hold back the onslaught of curses that I wanted to hurl at this bastard. The only thing that held me back was the sight of just how big this guy was. As I stepped out of the car and came face to face with the jerk I realized that he was even bigger than I realized. He was at least 6'4" and probably 220 pounds, most of which looked like sold muscle. Everything about his face screamed "authority figure." His jaw was rigid and square, as was his nose. He forehead seemed constantly furrowed, and his eyes had a never wavering gaze that he had probably honed on poor motorists like me for years. I stood a little awe struck by his imposing frame until he instructed me to step around to the back of my car and place my hands on the trunk.
This guy had to be kidding, and I told him as much. "Did the computer say that I was an armed and dangerous illegal parker?"
He didn't say anything but gave me a shove in the small of my back that forced me against the trunk of my car. He was every bit as powerful as he looked. I could feel the strength of his gloved hands as he patted down my torso and then frisked me up my legs. When he was done with my right one he worked his way up my left all the way up to my crotch where his hand lingered until he gave my balls a quick squeeze.
"What the fuck?" I yelled. Cop or no cop this guy wasn't going to feel me up like that.