A/N: So let me explain myself.
Work happened. Dropped like a ton of bricks on my head, then came another load of another nature. I needed sometime to clean up, make something out of these bricks and stuff. Not that I'm making great headway now, but whatever.
Writing this chapter was difficult. I'm sure there are mistakes but honestly I can't proofread this.
On the side however, I've been thinking and planning out other stories. Also got some time to sit and play around with ideas...
Song: Insane by Flume. The Frankie Sanchez remix has *just* the right touch/tone of dissonance in it...
Insane
*****
It was nice to be out of the house, even in this heat. Plus, I had never attended a funeral before.
We filed behind the pallbearers in twos and threes. The thick carpet of grass felt soft and springy through the soles of my shoes, so much that I wanted to walk barefoot. It would've felt amazing under my sore feet...
A wind rose, and I placed a hand on my hat quickly, before it could escape.
We finally reached the grave, and watched them lower the casket on the beams. Some of the elder family members sat down on the chairs that were laid out, while the pallbearers did their work.
"Come here, darling," whispered Liam's mother, tugging my arm gently. She led me to a chair in the front, and we sat down.
She was still gripping my arm. I looked at her. Even through the veil, I could see her red, puffy eyes. I turned slightly, moving her hand to hold it in my mine. We sat quietly for a while.
I felt a light touch on my shoulder.
"We're done," whispered Liam. "Now the priest will perform one more service before we lower the coffin. Do you want to stand?"
"Yes." As I stood up, I realized how tired I actually was- my back and knees wanted to give up before I could straighten. A groan escaped my lips as I struggled up.
"Whoa, hold up," said Liam, linking his arms under mine, pulling me up. I felt silly, and smiled sheepishly at him.
"You can sit, dear, no one will say anything," said Liam's mom.
"No... no... I'm good." I reassured. I nudged Liam. "It won't be long, right?" I whispered. Liam smiled dolefully.
"Not fast enough, in my opinion," he whispered in my ear. I pinched his forearm playfully.
"I mean, come on, he's dead...He doesn't have to suffer through this." He gave a little shoulder roll, as if to prove a point. I tutted admonishingly.
I stayed quiet during the hymns, since I didn't know any of the words and didn't want to offend anyone. I stared at my feet, and I swore I felt the focus of every stare from the congregation behind me.
After his father died, Liam and I relocated to his parents' house, on my insistence. His mother seemed happy to have us there, finally, but soon she seemed to be in two minds about it after their relatives and friends started visiting the house during the wake.
"It's a bit of a shock to others you know... and you're having a baby. They ask questions."
"Exactly Mom, it's such a bother all around- so don't you agree we should go home?" added Liam fluidly.
That idea hadn't come to my head. "If- if it's a hassle, I don't mind then..." I said quickly.
"That's not what I mean, honey. Stop twisting my words, Liam." She looked at him sharply, and he turned away from us, shrugging. "I'm glad you're both here, really. I don't want you to leave. But how do I put this... I don't want the evil eye on you," she explained.
"Ah. That. I'll just get some crosses and call Gran about some spells then, shall I?" said Liam sarcastically.
For the first time, I saw Liam's mom lose composure. "Some piety might do you good, Liam- I feel I've just let you run loose," she snapped.
He sighed, pinching his nose. "I'm sorry," he said. It sounded a bit forced. "Do as you wish, Mom."
She seemed to ignore the slight of his tone. "Kim, darling... Just stay in your room. After this is done, we'll announce something official. Not everyone is...well, you know."
I agreed to her wishes, but I asked to be at least present at the burial.
But standing here, in front of everyone, I felt what she meant.
This was real. I'm going to be with him, a part of all this, an
unplanned
part of all this-forever- and my life was never going to be just me and him. Maybe I'd be fine until Liam was there, but the rug would get pulled out from under my feet sometime... and then?
Finally, Liam let go of me. I watched as the other pallbearers- his brother Alex, Benjy, Karl and another younger man joined him.
I watched them lower the coffin. Benjy's father hobbled up the aisle beside us, briefly stopping to nod at us. Another elderly gentleman followed him, and I felt Liam's mom's hand push gently against my back. I stepped out, and followed them.
They were grabbing fistfuls of dirt and throwing it into the grave. I did the same. Benjy's father pulled out a coin from his pocket, and dropped it into the grave, and some of the other men did the same. I caught Liam's eye from across the pit, and he smirked slightly, begrudgingly fishing out a coin from his own pocket, to cast it onto the coffin.
"I'll go get Bambi from Rachel," said Liam's mother. More people were coming towards us, and I quickly followed her. From the other side, I spotted Liam walking towards me.
"Shouldn't you be there?" I asked, as he snaked an arm around my waist.
"I was there when I was supposed to be. Now he's just meat and bones. Now I'll be where I choose to be." He looked oddly content. I hummed nervously.
"Relax," he said, moving us away from the crowd. There was a huge oak tree a bit further off, and we stopped to stand under its shade, watching people pay their last respects.
"I can't wait until it's over," admitted Liam, running a hand through his hair.
"Don't you feel a little sad?" I asked.
"Maybe." He wrapped his arms around me from behind, his hands holding mine in front of my belly. I felt his breath against my neck.
"You hated your father," I said coolly. I felt him tense up, then relax again.
"Yes. So?" He was daring me to continue.
We both knew where this conversation was going, but I didn't feel like going through with it now. I tried to divert him.
"When a parent dies, the children who already have their own families don't feel as bad as the children who don't. My dad said that, when my grandma died." My throat tightened a bit, as I thought of my father. I haven't seen him since...
"My dad was actually talking about my uncle, who was still single," I continued. "He was right, he took it pretty badly. Worse than my dad." I looked up at him, and he shrugged, staring into the distance. "Do you understand what I'm saying?" I asked.
He sighed. "I don't think Bambi and Alex will miss him too much," said Liam. "He fell ill while she was still a toddler. And Alex is indifferent to all this, for the most part."
"Okay... I'm just saying," I pressed on, "at least- they'll have someone- your mother might feel better with you around."
Now it was his turn to hum nervously.
"Does she hate me?" I asked, half-jokingly.
"Oh no. No, no... Actually she was pretty angry when she heard you stayed the first few months with me."
"I guess, it would have been nice," I agreed.
"Do you regret it?" he asked.
I turned sideways to look at him, and my heart beat faster as I remembered those months. What do I say?
"No..."
"No?"
"No." I felt queasy, and struggled against his hold.
"Oh." He relaxed, and I breathed easy again. "So you liked being used..." he said, suddenly squeezing me, pressing his lips against my neck. I could feel him grinding into me. My knees felt weak, and I felt I might erupt with any more stimulation.
"...no!"
"Don't worry little rabbit, we'll do what you say. As long as my little sex slave is with me, I don't really care where I am," he whispered. I shivered.
"Liam... please. Not here. It's not about your father- this is a sacred place-"
He started laughing. "You and I need to talk about this more. About how much I don't care for all that shit."
"But I do!" I exclaimed. Frustrated, I turned away from him, from his grasp.
"My feet hurt. I'm going to go sit."
He frowned down at me, and then raised his hands in mock surrender. "Okay. Alright."
I had enough with my shoes. I slipped them off, and stepped barefoot onto the grass. I heard him chuckle behind me.
Even after the funeral, I didn't meet many people. I thought at least Rachel- or Benjy might drop by- during the funeral they had tried to come and talk to me many times, but both Liam and his mother seemed determined to keep me as isolated as possible. Liam's mother I could understand, but Liam?
At least, I wasn't locked up in a room alone for hours anymore, I thought, as I played with Bambi.
I was never one for dolls or playing house when I was younger, but I was thoroughly getting into making up stories and play-acting scenes for her.
"You're both so cute." I turned to see Liam and his mom at the doorway. I got up. It was evening already?
"Oh, Liam's back!" exclaimed Bambi. In a few weeks, I had convinced her to call him by his actual name.
"I almost feel bad taking Kim away," he said, patting her head. He leaned in and kissed my forehead, while surreptitiously grabbing my elbow and pressing his thumb into my elbow crease.
I hated it when he did that, it always hurt slightly. It was his code for 'come with me, right now'.
"She can sleep in with Bambi if she wants," said his mother suddenly.
"Yes!" said Bambi, excitedly. "I'll move my toys and everything!"
"Tomorrow night, maybe," I said, catching Liam's eye. She deflated a bit, and turned back to her toys. Liam's mom suddenly grabbed my other elbow.
"Go ahead," she said to Liam, motioning him away. "I want to give her something."
He followed us out of the room, and looked at us as we entered her bedroom, and then went on his way.
She pressed what looked like a prayer rope into my hand. "This is just to show him," she explained, "but I'm asking you again- you aren't sleeping with him anymore, are you?"
"No..." I replied uneasily.
"I- I- just don't think it's a good idea, dear. I know you can, but I'm just worried, a bit. You understand right?"
"Yes," I assured her. "Please don't worry..." She smiled sadly, and I reached in to give her a hug. She had been very kind to me since I came, and I wondered if her over-mothering was the reason Liam kept us away initially.
