I really need to get a different job. NO I mean it, I HAVE to get a new job. You see, mine involves flying two to three times per week, and I hate flying.
The crowded, noisy terminals, the bad food, and of course being treated like cattle in the long lines at security.
And don't get started on being in the plane. We PAY to be stuffed into incredibly tiny seats, elbow to elbow with strangers who smell, spill over into my seat, talk to me incessantly, or have to get up to go to the bathroom every thirty minutes.
Want to bet if they wash their hands after? I won't take those odds.
And yet I am in a cab heading to the Reagan National airport, to catch a flight to another God forsaken hole, just to try and sell some more useless things to asshole people.
Do I sound bitter? I hope so; otherwise I would be afraid I was not getting my story across to you.
So I paid the cabbie, camel jockey, no surprise there, and went into the terminal to start another descent into Dante's inferno.
I REALLY have to find a new fucking job.
Curbside check-in, hope they don't lose my samples bag. Wish I could carry it on but it's too big. Fucked up airline rules.
Go to Asshole Air ticket line; stand in line for too long. I look around at the other people in line and notice that most of them are old women with those stupid red hats on.
Great, just what I need, a bunch of cackling old broads. Liver spotted crackling skin, sour old woman smell, and I don't want to imagine the deflated balloons they call tits.
At least the flight is on time.
Stop at Starbucks, pay too much for not that great a coffee, and eat a stale scone. With this kind of business, how do you have stale food? Did they plan it just to piss me off?
Then comes one of my favorite parts, security screening. The long lines, hoping I haven't violated some new fucking rule TSA has put in this week. They must post their job 'want ads' in Monkey Weekly, because all their employees are idiot orangutans.
Finally get to the screening machine, take off my shoes, for fucks sake, and go through the metal detector.
BUZZZZZZZ.
Christ, the machine goes off when I step through. The ugly woman manning the machine asks me in a foreign accent to go back and try again.
BUZZZZZZ.
Shit, ain't life grand? I pat my pockets, take off my belt, and try again.
BUZZZZZZ
"Fuck!"
That got some dirty looks from the other passengers in line. Two more TSA monkeys, a guy and a girl, come take me into the back screening area.
"Sir, we need to do a complete screening of you. Please raise your arms out to the side," the TSA woman said. She used the hand wand and scanned my body.
BUZZZ.
Of course it would be right at my crotch! Shit!
"Sir, we need you to step behind the screen here and remove your outer clothes," the TSA woman ordered.
"What the fuck could be setting off the detector? I don't have anything metal down there, bitch!' I spat back at her.
Not like I have any stupid piercing like the idiot girl I banged last month. Why would you get your nipple and pussy pierced? They think that shit is sexy? Made me want to rip it out, see how that feels bitch. But I wanted to get laid so I didn't.
The TSA bitch was speaking into her radio as I went behind the screen and took off my shirt and trousers. I better not miss my fucking flight!
Both the screeners came into the room, with a third person, a large black woman.
The black woman walked up to me and frowned. "Sir, my name is Ms Brown, I understand you are not cooperating with us. Federal regulations require that you cooperate in the security procedures here at the airport. If you resist, you may be arrested!"
I was standing there in just my boxes, cold and pissed off.
"Look, I didn't do anything wrong, your stupid screeners don't know what they are doing or their machine is broken. I don't have any fucking metal on me!"
She brought out a second wand and ran it over my body.
BUZZZ.
GOD DAMN IT! Of course my crotch again.
"Sir, please remove your boxers!"
"No fucking way bitch! I'm not getting naked for your view, or anyone's view!"
"Detain him!" Ms Brown said
The man and woman grabbed my arms and the black woman lowered my boxers to the floor. They all smirked as they looked at my shrunken cock and balls. The supervisor wanded me again, really concentrating on my ass and groin.
BUZZZZ!
"Lay him over the bench. I will do the probing for contraband," Ms. Brown smiled.
I was roughly dragged over to a padded bench and bent over it.
"Bitch, I will sue your ass off if you touch me!" I tried to snarl, but this was getting out of hand. I pulled my arm away from the woman holding me and turned to the man to fight him off.
I hate fighting naked, so hard to be intimidating.
"Sir! Stop or I will be forced to use the stun gun on you!"
