Before he cooked breakfast, he decided to take a quick shower and brush his teeth. As he was brushing his teeth, he got a stab of pain in his cheek and he looked up into the mirror. The gash was long and deep and would require stitches and the underside of his eye was swollen black and blue. He sighed. He just couldn't shake these blues for some reason. With a shrug to his reflection, he went back to the kitchen.
In the kitchen he cracked some eggs for egg wash, buttered and heated the pan on the stove and then set to making her favorite French toast. Absently, he also fried up some sausage and made coffee.
As he set breakfast on the table, she appeared out of the basement dressed in her bathrobe and a smile to light the world. Everything about her was tiny, vulnerable and beautiful and he fell in love with her all over again. She glowed magnificently from the top of her curly raven hair to the tips of her manicured toes which peeked out from under her robe. Joy radiated from her and she outshined the dawn.
Yet something was wrong and he felt it more acutely now that he saw her. Something in his chest felt like someone had left a scalpel inside him after an operation. At the sight of her, joyful in the light of a fresh dawn, he suddenly felt guilty, ashamed and terribly unworthy of her.
While she still looked exactly the same and she was still his wife, what he had done to her last night was so totally out of sync with the rest of their lives he suddenly couldn't wrap his head around it. Her sable hair still shone in the morning light, but all he could remember was how he had yanked her around by it. Her peach face glowed with fresh morning color, but all he could remember was that he had smacked her face. Her teeth gleamed from her smile like pearls, but all he remembered was how he had fucked her mouth and throat. Her body was still that perfect hour glass shape described her robe, but he had used her body and spurted his seed inside her like a dog rutting in the street. He had insulted and degraded her and treated her like a fuck toy. Now when he looked at her, he didn't just see the sweet, caring woman that he loved. Now he also saw the dark siren he craved. This realization made him shudder a bit.
She didn't deserve to be treated like that. She was his wife yet last night he had used her like something he had stolen. The memories of what had happened caused a rush of guilt and forged a hollow place in his gut. How could he have done this to her? He loved her and yet he had done this. He couldn't make sense of it in his head and he felt the flush of shame on his cheeks.
She didn't seem to notice his struggles. She just beamed that happy smile at him, still the most beautiful creature he had ever encountered in his life. He tried to smile back at her, but he couldn't and wound up only giving the floor under her little feet a half smile. He should be happy because the plan had worked out so well and she was happy because the plan had been her idea, but he just couldn't seem to get happy. But he didn't want to spoil her mood so he just kept quiet as she approached the table and sat down to her breakfast.
"You know, Bear?" she chimed to him after a tiny nibble of French toast. "This was really great."
"Thank you," he nodded dumbly at the compliment.
"No, I mean it. You managed to get every kink I had into one scene."
She pointed to the red mark on her neck the edge of the knife had left. It made him feel sick and he had to look away.
"Seriously. Voyeurism, abduction, knives, blood, consent non consent, breeding ... you even slapped and degraded me! I'm so amazed and thankful for that! You're a great husband, Bear. I'm so lucky that you understand me."
When she said this the half smile fell off his face. He had to look away from her.
"Well ..."
"It took you so long to get around to the abduction that I didn't expect it when you did it. You really scared me! And the choke and that stuff with the knife! Oh, my God that was so good! I was genuinely terrified for a bit! Great job, hun!"
"Well, I, uh, well, we had a plan ...." he muttered gamely. An evil little tendril of sickness crept up his throat, so he swallowed it back down through a dry mouth.
"Yes, we did, but you made it all happen for me! Everything a girl could want and my husband made all my fantasies come true! That was the best birthday present I ever got!"
He nodded, unable to smile. The icky feeling in his stomach was threatening to overwhelm him just then.
"I love you, Bear," she smiled as she leaned in to kiss his cheek. Involuntarily he flinched away from her and she frowned at the oddness of that response from him. Then a look of concern replaced her smile.
"Bear! Your face! Oh, my God you need stitches! Come here and let me see it."
He flinched away again, but she insistently sat in his lap to hold him still because she must have thought he flinched from the pain in his face and not from the pain of the sudden realization that he might not be able to forgive himself for what he'd done to her last night. He went stock still and breathed in the smell of her as she carefully traced the wound with her fingers and examined his swollen eye. Her scent was clean and brisk in his nostrils and brought memories of the terror in her eyes, her muffled screams, the way he had used her body and more shame and humiliation. His eyes clenched shut in a shudder of anguish.
"No wonder you're all flinchy around me. I did that to you, didn't I? Christ, Bear, I'm so sorry! And here I am babbling away while my Bear needs help."
He felt even worse now. She was concerned and worried about him and he had had violated her. He had even enjoyed it. Vomit rose in his throat.
Concern showed in her eyes.
"Are you concussed?"
He shook his head.
She narrowed her eyes suspiciously at him.
"Bear?"
He shook his head again.
After a moment she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled his head close to hers.
"You know what, Bear?" she whispered confidentially. "I think it worked this time."
She held his face in her hands and turned him to face her. His guts began to churn as she looked directly at him and beamed a brilliant smile at him. It was heartbreaking.
"I think you're going to be a Papa Bear after that one."
