So one Thursday afternoon, I decided to skip my 2:15 class and go see about a roommate reassignment. Since Tyler kept tabs on me every minute of the day, I could only do this when he thought I was in class. I went to the office of the Director of Resident Life, one Kelly Smeltzer, and asked the receptionist if she was in, and if I could see her. What about? I was asked. "My roommate and I don't get along, and I'd like to request a change." I was told I needed to fill out a request form, and Ms. Smeltzer would review it and contact me. Damn, I thought. I wonder how long that takes.
I filled out the form and left it with the receptionist. Ms. Smeltzer e-mailed me the following Monday, and told me she'd scheduled an appointment for me, for 9:45 AM Wednesday. I thought, Crap. I don't have class then, and Tyler knows it. He would expect me to be in the dorm room. But HE would be in class during that time, so he wouldn't know I wasn't actually there. As long as the meeting was over and I could get back to the room by, say, 10:25, I should be safe.
Kelly Smeltzer called me into her office, from the reception area, at 9:51 Wednesday. She was quite a stunning woman, dressed very smartly in business attire. She had very piercing eyes which made me feel kind of intimidated. I guessed she was in her late 20s. We sat down, and she said, "So David, I read your request. You didn't provide much detail. You just said you're not getting along with your roommate. So... why not? What's going on?"
"Well... um... my roommate, Tyler... um... well, we don't have any common interests. He works out with weights, he plays basketball... you know... he likes to watch sports on TV. I'm not really into any of that. Um... you know, I'm here to learn... I'm here for academics... um... He's an OK student, but... um..."
"OK, so you and Tyler have different interests. Guess what? When I was in school, my roommate and I had different interests. What did you expect? Someone who was exactly like you?"
"Well, no, but... I mean, I understand I can't expect... um..."
"Do you have any brothers and sisters, David?"
"No."
"So you're an only child. Well, you know, one of the things you'll have to learn in college, then, is how to share a room with someone else. Developing relationship skills is just as important as anything else you learn in college."
"I know, but-"
"So let me guess. Tyler has some habits you find annoying."
"Yes!"
"Like what?"
"Well... ummm..." What could I tell her here? That he makes me suck his dick? THAT annoyed me. But I couldn't very well tell her that, or that he makes me stick my tongue in his butthole, or lick his feet. "OK, here's one: He insists we leave the bathroom door open. All the time."
"Why does he want the door open?"
"I don't know, really. He wants us to still be able to talk, I guess? When one of us is in there and the other is out in the room?"
She shrugged. "Well, he sounds friendly, like he wants you two to get to know each other well, and be friends. Is your privacy so important that you can't accommodate this preference of his?"
"Uhhh... well, it's just... I mean... let's say he's... you know... going number two... um..."
"He leaves the door open and talks to you? And the smell comes out into the room?"
"Yes! And... you know, I don't-"
"David, you two are *guys*. I guess you haven't seen very many movies, but you know what? Guys in dorms find taking dumps to be a rich source of entertainment: humor, games, contests, hahaha. Bonding, even. Yeah. 'Hey, check out this one, it's like a foot long!' Hahaha. 'NICE, dude!' And as far as the smell, the more rank it is, the more you two can laugh. *Congratulate* him! Hahaha. Or... if you absolutely can't stand it, then get some air freshener and spray it in the room. This is just not a big deal, David." Her tone was very matter-of-fact and, I thought, a touch hostile.
"Well, but... OK, fine, maybe I can deal with him leaving the door open when he's in there... but... I'd like to have some privacy... you know... when I..."
"But David, if he thinks leaving the door open and talking to you when HE's in there helps you guys bond, then it's kinda rude for you not to return the favor. You see what I mean? How do you think it would make HIM feel for you to shut the door on him?"
I sighed, and decided to try a different complaint. "OK... forget about the door, then. Um... another thing is, He's messy..."
"And you're a neat freak?"
"Um... I don't know if I'm a neat *freak*, but-"
"You like to keep the place straightened up."
"Yes."
"Well, if his stuff is in your way, ask him to pick it up. If he won't, move it out of your way. When you really can't stand stuff lying around, pick it up yourself. Problem solved. You know what? If you just pick it up, and don't complain, or bitch at him, I bet he will appreciate it, and he might even start picking up after himself, to be considerate towards you. But you're gonna need to make an effort here, David. You can't just grumble and complain every time your roommate does something that slightly annoys you.
"You've had 18 years at home as an only child, and never had to worry about this kind of stuff. But now it's time for you to learn how to live with your peers, David. It's time to learn we are all different, we all have different habits, some people are neater, some people are messier, some people are outgoing, some are more reserved, some like sports, some don't, and on and on and on. We can't reassign people every time someone is slightly annoyed by their roommate.
"Try to be Tyler's friend, David. Learn to get along with him. You're not getting a new roommate. Good day."
I sat in my chair, stunned, feeling like I'd just gotten in trouble. I thought to myself, But wait! We've only scratched the surface of this roommate issue! He's made me a total slave! I knew I couldn't really tell her THAT; I doubted anyone would believe it. And those details were so intensely embarrassing for me that I knew I couldn't bring myself to speak of them. Plus, something told me Kelly Smeltzer would advise me to just *refuse* to do things Tyler "commanded" me to do.
But... even without that, there was still more I COULD tell her. What about him expecting me to do his laundry? What about him texting me all the time and keeping tabs on my whereabouts? (Well, on second thought, I probably couldn't bring that up without being asked to show her texts that said things like 'may i go potty now?')
As I thought about these things, I opened my mouth once or twice, false starts to further complaints, which I decided not to voice. Ms. Smeltzer fixed her intimidating stare on me, and finally raised an eyebrow as if to say, "Well? Are you going to leave now?" I slumped my shoulders, and got up to leave. As I got to the door, I said, "Um... thank you for your time."
"And I forgive you for wasting it," she said.
After closing her office door, I checked my phone and saw that Tyler had sent a text about five minutes earlier. It said "where r u?" Quickly I replied and said "in the room".
Arriving back at the room at 10:22, I unlocked the door, walked through it, and stopped in my tracks. There was Tyler, sitting on the futon! His phone lay beside him. I closed the door, and Tyler, his eyes fixed on the TV screen, said, "Put your backpack down right there, and take all your clothes off."
Once I was naked, he said, "My class let out early today. I came back early and found roomie not where he's supposed to be. Mm, mm, mm. Bad roomie. Bad roomie who will have to go a week without cumming now. Where were you?"
"I had to go to an appointment."
"What kind of appointment?"
"Um... I had to go see the Director of Resident Life. She called me in."
"For what?"