The Missionarys Daughter

I was only 18 when my father brought us here. He said it was where God had sent him and we followed as always, obedient like good women should be to their fathers and husbands.

I was seated in the back of the wagon when they stopped us. I could hear the strange language that sounded more animal than human. I heard my father's voice. He had studied their tongue, but he did not sound like them. They were laughing now and speaking faster. My father sounded unsure but calm.

My mother and sisters were seated across from me, our heads bowed in modesty in the possible presence of strange men, hands crossed in our laps. My mother was clutching her bible as the voices outside grew louder. Her eyes were closed in serene prayer. My youngest sister was trying to see through the slit in the flap to what was going on outside.

Then there was screaming and the world turned to thunder. Horses, men, steel all shrieking. Then silence.

My mother's eyes were wide now and she was mouthing the words of the lord's prayer in a breathless whisper.

Footsteps.

My sisters were holding each others hands. I knew their hearts were beating as loudly as mine. "Our father who art in heaven..." the footsteps were getting closer, my heart was pounding like a fist against the walls of my chest "...but deliver us from evil..."

Then the fabric lifted.

I quickly lowered my gaze in my habitual show of modesty but my sisters' screams made me jerk up my head and find myself staring right into the dark, weathered, dirty unshaven face.

His eyes were locked on mine. I vaguely registered blood spatters on his face and clothes. Then two other men appeared from the flanks of the wagon. They were as dark and rough looking as he was. The other two looked around the wagon at the supplies and regarded my crying sisters and my whimpering mother, but the first man kept his gaze on me. The other two started speaking to each other in their animal tongue. One said something and the other sniggered. Then the first man spoke and all three looked at me. Things started happening again. The first man shouted and dark faces appeared everywhere.

Then the unthinkable happened, they entered the wagon. I remember being shocked by this intrusion, the unwelcome familiarity of it. They simply barged in through the flaps and invaded our world. They were going trough our things and putting their hard hands on our soft arms, dragging us out of safety and into the wild, blood stained, strange landscape of this unfamiliar place. Chaos. I caught a glimpse of my sisters being dragged apart, screaming. I caught sight of my mother's dress torn, exposing her undergarments. They didn't avert their gaze, they just kept tearing at her. They were being dragged deeper into the hoard of heathens. I shouted their names, reached out to them but the hands on my arms were dragging me the other way. I could hear them screaming and crying and the strange voices laughing and shouting and cheering and grunting. They were getting further and further away. I couldn't get to them. I couldn't see them anymore. And then I saw my father and in that instant I knew that these were not men, but demons that were dragging me to hell. All grace failed me then and I was overcome by a rage I have never felt before that moment in my life. In an instant I was free from their grip and running towards him, screaming. And then there was darkness.

The next memory I have is a hallway. Voices, dim and distant. Laughter. Softer and higher than the men outside the wagon. Women? Then a room. Something cold and hard against my back. I tried to rub my eyes, they wouldn't focus, but something held my wrists in place. I heard people talking. An old woman's face hovered over me. She opened my mouth and put her finger inside, moved it around and withdrew it. Looked at me. I opened my blue eyes wide in surprise and she smiled. She said something I didn't understand. Her face was soft and admiring as she looked at my face. She reached for my bonnet but instead took hold of a strand of my golden hair. My head was uncovered then, I was exposed, unfit to be seen. She said something else and smiled at me. How could she be smiling at my immodesty?

She started moving slowly towards my feet. I followed her with my eyes. I could see why I couldn't move my arms now, my wrists and ankles were bound to the stone table. She stooped and came up again holding something. With one hand she pulled my stockings away from my legs and with the other she started slicing them off, like skinning live stock.

"No, please! What are you doing?" My voice sounded strange, thin, too loud. I never protest, it's not proper. But none of this was proper. She was hacking away silently, ignoring my pleas, exposing my pale, soft flesh. She worked her way up my legs until she reached my belly and then she cut trough my dress all the way up to my chin. I could feel the dull side of the cold blade against my skin. The fabric lay there limp and inadequate, leaving me uncovered and exposed in places. She moved to my hand and cut up the cleave to my chest. As she walked around to my other arm I felt to my horror the fabric slipping, slithering like a serpent and then my breast was exposed. I gasped in mortified shame at my nakedness. She made one Final incision and put down the blade.

I could feel my face flushed and warm, my breathing heavy and choked. Then she unceremoniously started unfolding the flaps of fabric like she was brushing crumbs off her lap, exposing my shame and laying my body bare. I could feel my vulnerability, the breeze stirring on my skin and making me ever more aware of my soft, pale indecency. I couldn't bare to look. I shut my eyes and for an instant forgetting my bonds tried to close my legs and cover myself with my hands but the motion only left me feeling more vulnerable. I could do nothing to conceal my disgrace, I had no way to defend my virtue. I was at the mercy of this shameless woman.

Then I felt her hands on my breasts. She was squeezing them like they were fruit at the market, like she was checking if they were ripe. I shut my eyes tighter and tried to think of something else but all I could see was the faces of my sisters as the mob dragged them away. Then her hand was between my legs. I screamed. Her skin was cold and leathery. Her fingers probed and poked and I had to open my eyes. She had her face right there, looking straight at my most shameful place, the origin of sin. She seemed to be pulling me apart, I didn't understand what she was doing. Then she stood up, closed her eyes and somehow plunged a finger deep into me. My mind was racing, I was sweating and the room was spinning. It wasn't painful so much as confusing and mortifying. What was she doing? Why is there a hole there? Why was this happening to me?

Then suddenly she wasn't touching me anymore. She nodded approvingly and left the room.

Two men in long shirts came in and removed my restraints with trained hands. As soon as my legs were free I put my thighs together but it didn't matter, they didn't even look at me, they just untied me and lifted me off the table by my upper arms. I grabbed for my tattered clothes to cover myself as they dragged me away. They seemed indifferent. I was clutching my ruined clothes to my chest, the ribbons of fabric tickled my naked legs as they walked me down the corridor towards the voices. Bubbling female chatter and laughter swelled like a babbling brook in spring time until they pushed open the doors and it washed over me, and then it was quiet.

In the large room were women in various stages of undress, lounging shamelessly, playing instruments, chatting, and eating fruit. Their faces showed no embarrassment at the indignity of their immodesty, their demeanor was brazen, nothing in their stance or manner showed any humiliation. Their skin was almost as dark as that of the men, but softer and smoother. Their nipples were a darker shade of brown and their long, shiny hair was black. Dozens of pairs of brown eyes stared at me but not one of them moved to help me. The men let go of my arms and left the room.

Suddenly a flood of voices were all talking at once in exciting and confusing tones. Some of the women came over to me and surrounded me. They were talking fast and over each other, touching my hair, stroking my skin. Some of them were looking at me like they were talking to me but I didn't understand what they wanted. They started pulling away my arms and tugging at my clothes trying to expose me. I tried to resist but there were too many of them, I tried to plead but they didn't understand me. My clothes were ripped from my arms and their hands were on me, touching my pink nipples and stroking the blond hair between my legs. I was being dragged somewhere by the crowd but I could not see where I was going until I heard the splashing and I was in a big stone bath. The women were right there with me. They started rubbing something on my skin and hair and splashing me with water. It smelled like some strange blossom. I wanted them to stop, I didn't know what they were doing and why. I wanted to go home. One woman picked up a bucket and poured water over my head. I gasped for breath and the other women giggled. The little that they were wearing was drenched and sticking to their skin and I could see more than I wanted to, more than any decent, modest woman would even look at in a mirror. Another bucket of water. Then a girl was pushing her naked body up against mine and gesturing to her nipples and mine. There was laughter and again when she touched the darkness between her legs and the soft yellow down between mine and said something else. I flinched and covered myself, sank into the water. They laughed even harder.

I started to cry and the laughter died away. The girls stood back. They just watched me as I sat there in the water, disgraced, immodest and sobbing. Then one of them came over and knelt beside me. She put her hand on my shoulder and she wiped my hair out of my face. She smiled at me and I thought of my mother. We just sat there for a while. When my sobs became more quiet there were fewer girls around us. She took me gently by the elbow and helped me stand. A girl came up with a cape of some sort and draped it around my shoulders. It was big and it covered my body. I was still indecently exposed beneath it, but at least for a while I was not naked in the eyes of God and these strangers. They walked me to a large cushion and sat me down. Two of them started drying my hair and combing it. Two others started on my feet and hands. They were doing something to the skin and nails, rubbing it hard with stones. It was strange but not unpleasant and by comparison to everything else I had endured it barely registered. I let my mind drift, to the little church in the country where my mother and sisters and I would sit in the pews as my father delivered his sermon. To the smell of fresh baked bread coming from the oven in the farmhouse. Mending stockings by the fire. I though about the old country, before the calling and the wagons and the blood. My father's blood. My mother's screams. My sisters' hands reaching.

Something called me back, a sudden hush and something else, a noise that seemed too loud for this room, too masculine. Footsteps, heavy and hard, echoing, getting louder, oh God, I knew those footsteps, my heart racing. My eyes went towards them, I clutched the robe to me, trying to disappear into it.

The doors flew open and there he was. The girls had all stopped what they were doing and he commanded their full attention. The ones that were closest to him kneeled at his feet, looking up at him, but he didn't notice. His eyes scanned the room for a moment and came to rest on me. My heart went cold. He just held me in his gaze for an eternal moment. Then he raised a dirty hand and with a rough finger he pointed at me.

In an instant the world was in motion again as he turned and left. The two men from before were in the room and they were shouting but the women didn't seem to pay them any mind, they were scurrying around me in a wave of commotion. I felt myself being pulled to my feet and then the robe was yanked away. They were tugging at my hair and pouring oil on my skin. I was aware of my nakedness but I couldn't move or fight, the blood in my veins had turned to ice and there was no breath in my lungs. I felt their hands all over me, soft, warm and gentle, rubbing the oil into my skin. I felt them on my breasts and on my belly and bottom and then I felt them between my legs. Soft female hands just sliding over my most shameful secret like it were the fur of a pet they were stroking. I flinched and tried to protest but their strange words came back to me with an urgency in their voices. I looked at their faces contorted with concern ans they rubbed me down and I became scared. I swiped their hands away and tried to cover myself, clamping my legs together and covering myself with my hands. They were shouting and reaching for me and I saw the two men start towards me. I was gripped by a debilitating fear and I thought I might cry again and then suddenly she was in front of me again. Her face was very close to mine and she looked me straight in the eyes and kissed me on my mouth.

I was so shocked that I froze in place. I felt her warm hands on my face. She pulled back and looked me in the eyes, her face very close to mine. She said one word and she took a deep breath in and exhaled again slowly and deeply. She repeated the word and she put her hand on my chest and breathed again deeply and slowly. She moved her hand away as she inhaled and pushed down as she exhaled. She kept doing it and the other girls started breathing with her until I started to follow her lead too. I felt a calm wash over me and I felt my limbs relax a little. Air and heat returned to my blood and I gained control of my senses again. She slowly brought her face closer to mine.

I closed my eyes as I felt her lips touch mine. They were warm and soft. She moved her lips on mine and then I felt a soft wetness part my lips. It felt like sunlight on my face in spring. It felt good. She smelt of flowers. I relaxed my mouth and let her lead me, she was still breathing deeply and heavily through her nose and I breathed in unison with her. I felt her tongue in my mouth, she tasted like wild honey, she was playing with my tongue, softly, slowly, sucking on my lips and my tongue, opening her mouth against mine like she was trying to breathe me in. her hand slid slowly down my neck to my shoulder while the other wrapped around my head and caressed my hair. It felt strangely wonderful to have someone else's fingers run trough my hair.

I basked in the feeling, let the warm glow of it engulf me. The other hand moved lower, slowly, exploring, searching along the lines of my back, my side, my hip. And then it was right there between my legs. She hesitated and hovered there, just above and I could feel a warmness spread up through me. She kissed me more deeply, her breathing intensified and she moved her hand away and wrapped her arms around me and pulled me up against her skin and we were milk and honey mixing, warm, sweet and rich. She moved her leg between my legs and pushed her thigh up against me and she started moving rhythmically as she breathed and kissed and embraced me and I could feel something growing inside me, swelling up from that forbidden place, trying to engulf me like the eternal flame and I pulled away.

Words from a sermon about temptation, what were they?

I opened my eyes and saw a ring of girls around us watching, eyes half closed in a swoon, some of them touching themselves, some of them rubbing up against each other, all of them breathing heavily. And beyond them the men waited. She was looking down, breath racing. What was I doing? And then one of the men spoke and the spell was broken. Hands got busy again and she disappeared into the crowd. I felt them wrap something around me but it was too light, I could still feel the air moving on my skin beneath it. I expected them to bring more garments to put over it but instead I was pushed towards the two waiting men. They seized my upper arms again and started walking me to the door.

My head was still foggy with confusion and that sinful heat still pulsed through me. I barely saw the hallway and I couldn't tell you how far we walked.

They opened a door and I was in a bed chamber alone. I looked around me, there was a table with some food, meat and fruit. The room was big and rich fabric covered the walls and hung from the tall bed posts. The bed was enormous, large enough for me and my sisters to sleep in comfortably. There was another door off to the side of the bed, smaller than the one I had been escorted through. Between the bed and the door was a window. I walked toward it, hoping to see outside and get an idea of where I found myself.

Suddenly the door next to me opened and he was standing there. He was naked and dripping with water. We just stood there for a second staring at each other. I didn't dare allow my gaze to slip away from his face, I had never seen a man naked before. I could feel my heart pounding again and my breath getting thick and heavy. His face, though still hard and worn looked somehow less angry washed clean. His skin was brown, his shoulders broad and he towered over me. I could tell without looking directly at him that his body was hard and strong. He could snap me like kindling if he so chose. We stood there, our eyes fixed on each others' faces until he turned his head slightly to the side and allowed his eyes to fall on my body. I suddenly became very aware of how exposed I was. I remembered the thin gauze like fabric they had loosely draped over me and I dropped my gaze in modesty and moved my hands to cover my shame. He took two quick steps and he was next to me. Big hands grabbed my wrists and flung my arms away from my body. I yelped at the sudden violence of it. I knew I didn't dare defy him by putting my hands back. I stood there shaking. I could hear him breathe. Even his breath sounded angry.

Then his hands were on me. His one hand moved up my shoulder to find my neck and he easily wrapped his giant paw around it. His other hand grabbed for my breasts, squeezing hard through the fabric. It hurt and I flinched and let out a single sob. His hand tightened around my neck and I understood, I was at his mercy. I was to be obedient to his will and endure his desires. I was to be a good wife, even though he had not married me in the eyes of God. He relaxed his grip slightly but his hand stayed around my neck while the other one started tugging at the fabric draped around me. He was pulling away the only thin layer of protection I had from him. I felt my heart pounding and heard blood rushing in my ears, my breath came fast and ragged as the fabric unfolded and fell to the floor. I was in front of him completely bare. He threw me on the bed and I landed on my back. Instinctively I started to cover myself with my hands but he shouted something. I didn't need to know the word to understand. I lay there quietly squirming under his intrusive gaze, trying not to move. He moved closer until he was standing right next to the bed. I could feel his leg touch mine, he bent over and he ripped my legs open and stared at me. I had to fight everything in me not to close them, I had to find a distraction, so I looked at him. Finally.

There was something different between his legs. It looked like a large flesh serpent. It was moving, lifting and growing. What work of Satan was this? I couldn't help myself anymore, terror gripped me and I started scampering away to the other side of the bed, muttering a prayer. This seemed to increase the pace at which the serpent grew. My only thought was to get away from it, but he grabbed my ankles and pulled me towards him. I screamed but he was on top of me, I tried to push him away to escape but he just laughed. He took hold of my wrists and pushed my hands down on the bed beside my head, pinning me down. He allowed his full weight to rest on me for a moment and cut off my scream. I couldn't breathe. He was crushing me. Then he said something I didn't understand, almost whispered it into my ear. He lifted away enough for me to gasp for breath and pulled both my wrists up above my head so he could hold them with one hand. With the other he reached down and pulled my leg up. He shifted his hips and I felt something pushing against my forbidden place. He said something else and smirked at me, then he licked my breast and sucked on my nipple hard and laughed. He moved his hips again and the pushing intensified. I felt something open up and I could feel the serpent's head. He pushed again and I felt it coming into me. Again and it was stretching me open. Again and it was deeper and I could feel my flesh tight, screaming. He thrust again and he was ripping into me. Again, ripping me apart. Again, the flames started to lap at me. Again, and the fire grew. Again, and it consumed me and he was thrusting and I was breaking and he was laughing and I was screaming and he was moving on top op me and holding down my hands and I was his, I was at the mercy of the devil to destroy at his leisure.