The Meaning of Dar

The Meaning of Dark

Kinsley wondered if there was enough makeup in the world to make it look like she hadn't been lying in her bed crying for two weeks, in his sweatshirt, clutching a pillow and wishing it was him. A year. One year they had been together and he just changed his mind. Woke up one morning as if she meant nothing to him.

"I don't get it, Nick," she sobbed, standing in the kitchen over breakfast. "What did I do?"

"This isn't about you, Kins," he had said. "I just..." He trailed off and looked at the ground. "People being shitty rarely has anything to do with the people they are being shitty to, and everything to do with them just being shitty."

She sniffled and stepped in close to him. She brought her fingers to his hair and pulled his face to hers. "I love you," she said. "Don't you love me?" Her lip trembled and he stared into her eyes briefly before turning away. For a moment she thought he felt some small amount of pain as well.

He shook it off before looking at her. "I never wanted to hurt you," he told her. "I'm sorry." He pulled her hands from his head and held them between their bodies. He kissed her forehead, dropping her hands, and walked towards the door. "Kins, you can stay here. I left a check with my half of the rent for the rest of the lease."

She shook off the memory, and looked at herself in the mirror. Her face just looked puffy. And yet, she finished applying the same small amount of makeup she usually did and sent her friend a text.

Okay, I think I am mildly presentable. Meet you at the bar in 10?

Yes! There are some decent guys here. We'll get that ass monkey off your mind.

Kinsley rolled her eyes and shoved her phone into the back pocket of her tight jeans. Why women's jeans don't have deep front pockets will always make her wonder.

* * * * * * * * *

Kinsley entered the bar and her eyes scanned the room. Her friend Ryan waved, removing her purse from the empty bar stool next to her, and patting it, motioning Kinsley to join her. Kinsley walked over towards her. Ryan sized her up.

"Kins... what are you wearing?" Ryan looked at her best friend from head to toe. In ripped skinny jeans, black flats, and a long sleeve black shirt that hung off one shoulder, besides the makeup and the nicely done wavy blonde hair, she could have been going to the grocery store.

"What?" Ryan rolled her eyes. "This is the best I could do! You're lucky I even came out." Ryan gave her that look. "What?! Do I look ugly?" She sat down on the stool next to her friend.

A guy leans between the two girls and signals the bartender. "If you want my opinion, you're fucking hot," he said, licking his lips. Kinsley rolled her eyes and looked at Ryan. Ryan winks at her friend. The whole point of this evening was to get her laid, starting with a compliment, even a crass predictable one, was a good start. But Kinsley shook her head. A voice echoes from behind them, and shoves the other man out the way.

"Excuse my friend," he says. "We haven't let him out of the house in a few months." Kinsley smiles into her drink. "Can I buy you ladies your next round to apologize for his rudeness?"

Kinsley looks at Ryan again. She suddenly feels like going out was stupid. "Thanks, but..." she starts. She turns around to face him. He is surprisingly good looking and well dressed. At just under six feet, he was a little taller than Nick, and more traditionally good looking. He was thin, but muscular, well built, with sandy brown hair and deep blue eyes.

He can sense she's nervous. The bartender comes over. "What can I get you man?"

He orders, and hands him a card. "And will you put their next round on my tab," he says. "Have a good night ladies," he says. He takes his drinks and moves to the corner of the bar.

Ryan waits until he is out of earshot before she slaps her friend in the arm. Kinsley looks at her, exasperated. "That guy is the guy you date next, his obnoxious friend is your bad pancake. You need to fuck a bad pancake."

Kinsley takes a deep breath. She looks at the gin and tonic in front of her and swallows the whole thing like a shot. "I think I have other plans for tonight," she tells her friend. "I can't just fuck Nick out of my head. Drinking might help though."

But Kinsley isn't the kind of girl to drown her sorrows either. Ryan out drinks her two to one, and it isn't long before she's moved over to a table with a few guys. She signals Kinsley to join her a couple of times, but Kinsley is content to sit at the bar and stare into her gin and tonic.

Maybe this is less pathetic because it's a Wednesday

, she thinks to herself. Her head starts to spin a little bit and she decides she's had enough of the bar and motions the bartender to close her tab. Kinsley looks around for her friend. Ryan is at a table with a few men, talking and laughing. She'd be concerned about leaving her, but Ryan takes good care of herself. As she signs the check, the nice guy from earlier sits down at the empty stool next to her.

"Heading out?" he asks.

Kinsley pushes the tab across the bar. "Yeah, I think so. It's been a long couple of weeks," she smiles. "Just kind of want to go home and eat cookies in bed."

"Oreos or chips ahoy?" he asks with a smile.

She feels momentarily charmed. "If you even think for a second there are cookies other than Oreos out there..."

He holds up his hands as if in self-defense. "I definitely don't. That was a test." He smiles at her, the way men smile at women that makes them weak. Nick had a smile like that. Kinsley blushes a little and looks at the ground. He tries to meet her gaze and holds out his hand. "I'm Carter," he says.

She looks up and takes his hand. "Kinsley. You one of those Harvard assholes whose first and last name are interchangeable?"

He tosses his head back and laughs heartily. "No," he says, a big smile on his face. "I went to Dartmouth."

Kinsley smirks, "Safety school?" she asks.

He shakes his head, still smiling. "Oh, you're one of those Harvard assholes who thinks that everyone who didn't go to Harvard is an idiot?"

Kinsley shrugs. "No, just a regular garden variety Harvard asshole. Class of 2016."

Why did I tell him how old I am?

She wonders, suddenly feeling stupid.

He senses her embarrassment. "You're a baby," he says. "Class of 2008." He tries to set her at ease. Kinsley nods, just slightly younger than Nick. "Have one more drink with me? You can say you're just staying to make sure your friend makes it home okay."

"I just..." she lets out a deep sigh. "I've really had too much already. I'm buzzed." He just stares back, as if to encourage her. He gives her the smile again. She nods. "One."

Carter orders. Halfway through their drink, a drunk Ryan approaches Kinsley. She kisses her friend on the cheek. "LOVER!" she yells in too loud drunk girl voice, "It is time for me to go! Can you walk home alone? Are you safe?"

Kinsley nods, "Yeah, I'll be fine. It's three blocks. Can you get the Uber by yourself?"

"Already did. He's HEEERE!" She blows her friend a kiss and exits the bar.

Carter turns to her. "That's a lot for a Wednesday," he says. "No offense."

Kinsley shrugs. "She wanted me that drunk, or at least drunk enough to take a stranger home. But it usually goes this way."

He smiles at her. He ponders taking the bait on that one, but he knows better. "Work? Family? Friends? Boyfriend?"

"Asshole?" She replies and takes a long sip of her drink, finishing it. "You don't have to be the guy who pretends to listen to me about my ex."

He smiles at her. "I never play pretend, Kinsley."

Her stomach turns over and she swallows. There is something hidden in those words that makes her mind race. She opens her mouth to speak, but he interrupts her. "How about, I am I the guy who takes you to dinner on Friday and talks to you about anything but your ex?" Kinsley bites her lip and rubs her thumb and index finger together like she always does when she's nervous. He can tell her mind is racing. "You can even wear the ripped jeans. I like them."

Kinsley tries to pull out her inner Ryan. Making good decisions never got her anywhere, what about a few bad ones. "Yeah," she tells him, "Okay." She hands him her phone. "Put in your number," she says. "You can text yourself so you have mine."

Carter is surprised at how forward she was, how easy. She stands up and thanks him for the drink as he does what she asks, and slides her phone back to her. "Do you want me to walk you home?" he asks.

Kinsley shakes her head. "I'm good. But thanks." He doesn't push, not this time.

"Well, see you soon then, Kinsley."

She smiles as she exists the bar. Carter watches her go. There is something about her he can't quite put his finger on, something that draws him to her. Perhaps it's her intelligence, her gentle shyness, her naivete. He can tell she is going to be fun.

* * * * * *

Ryan lay on Kinsley's bed on her stomach, staring at her friend in tight black jeans and a light pink strapless bra.

"We really need to get you better underwear," Ryan says, standing up and approaching her friend. She grabs her breasts from behind. "I mean at least something to make it look like there is something there," she jokes. Kinsley elbows her in the stomach and Ryan backs up.

"Ow!" Ryan yells. "You know, we can't all have those rock hard soccer abs like you!"

"Why the fuck are we friends again?" she asks.

Kinsley rolls her eyes and goes back to figuring out what to wear. She grabs a blue silky tank top from the closet and slips it on, tucking it into the front of her jeans. A long grey cardigan sits on the dresser and she slips it on. She looks in the full length mirror, tossing her wavy blond hair over one shoulder. "What do you think?" she asks as she turns to Ryan.

"I think you look like a middle school teacher."

"I am a middle school teacher."

"You're lucky you're hot," Ryan tells her. "He will probably fuck you anyway."

"Can't I just having a fucking meal, and not think about that shithead Nick for like two fucking minutes? Like why does it have to be about some stranger fucking me?"

"Because an orgasm or ten will help."

"I've been online... I've gotten one or two.... Alone but not.... alone."

Ryan stares at her dumbfounded. Kinsley blushes and looks away. "We're going to talk more about that later, Kins." Kinsley bites her lip and shakes out her hair again in the mirror. Ryan moves in a little closer and rests her chin on her friends shoulder. "Just promise me you will open up a little, let your guard down. You're wound so tight sometimes that.... You just need to let loose. Relax. Explore some new sides. Maybe a one night stand is what you need, maybe something else."

"Like?"

"I don't know, Kins. Just something that is the opposite of Nick. Get the taste of him out of your mouth."

Kinsley shrugs. She looks down at her phone. "I'm trying, Ryan, I really am. But I... gotta go, or I'm going to be late." She gives Ryan a kiss on the cheek and exits. Her apartment, but Ryan can certainly show herself out. Likely after she's helped herself to a bottle from Nick's fancy wine collection.

* * * * * *

By the time she walked from the T to the restaurant, Kinsley's feet were sore in the ankle boots Ryan had convinced her were cuter than her flats. She was a total baby when it came to any amount of pain that wasn't sports related. Soccer ball to the face? Sure. But walk half a mile and have her toes pinched by a too tight pair of shoes and she just wanted to whine.

Carter was better looking than she remembered when she caught his eye outside the restaurant. Wearing a button down shirt and dark jeans, he looked like every other young professional in Boston. Maybe slightly better looking.

Kinsley wasn't the kind of girl to go out with men that she didn't know. She was cautious, guarded, shy. Nick had spent a year trying to bring her out of her shell, and with him, in the quiet of their apartment, she had. She had explored things with him, tried things, opened up to him intimately, and explored other sides of herself. But out in the world she was the same sweet, shy girl she had always been. It took her a long time to warm up to people, to trust them. She was talkative, but didn't say much about herself to strangers. She kept everything close to the vest. She tried to think of what Ryan would do in this situation. Ryan was the kind of girl who would absolutely date strange men she met at the bar. The kind of girl who'd take them home for wild sex and never call them again. She didn't need intimacy or a connection. Two best friends -- polar opposites when it came to men. And yet, Ryan's advice on letting loose hung at the forefront of Kinsley's mind.

Carter smiles as he sees her. He looks her over, trying to keep the predatory glances to a minimum. Kinsley looked good, even in the oversized cardigan that hid her cute little figure. She had a beautiful, innocent face, and in spite of being 26 she looked young, corruptible. Carter liked this about her. He put on his most charming face he had and he took a step towards her. He kisses her lightly on the cheek as he greets her.

"Thanks for not standing me up," he says.

Kinsley laughs. "Never miss a chance for a free meal. I live off a teacher's salary."

"Harvard educated teacher? Your parents..." he trails off and stops himself.

"Yeah, they're super thrilled."

"Should we go in?" he says. Kinsley nods and follows him.

He leads the way into the restaurant and they sit at a table. Kinsley pays careful attention to the way Carter acts for much of the evening. He is a strong, dominant personality, but like Nick, he seems genuine, caring. Kinsley feels at ease with him, almost immediately. The conversation lulls halfway through dinner, and she catches him eyeing her.

"I feel like you want to ask me something," Kinsley says, uncharacteristically breaking the silence.

"Your mind is half somewhere else. I promised you an evening not talking about your ex, but if you need to talk, I'm willing to listen."

"I've been doing everything I can not to think about him," she starts. "Trying to distract myself in like... the worst ways..." She shakes her head. "I just can't."

This piques Carter's interest. "What does that mean?" Kinsley shrugs. How does one bring herself to say this to a man sitting in front of her?

"Sometimes you just, have to forget who you are for a little while to figure out who you want to be."

Carter nods and stares at her intently. "And how are you trying to forget? What are you trying to forget?"

Kinsley shakes her head, but opens up anyway. "He just... Nick was this straight laced guy. He was dominant but he had this idea of domination, that was controlling, but not rough. Almost, instructive. And I bent to it."

"You're talking about sex," Carter says. He feigns a little shock and surprise towards her. Kinsley's face turns red.

She looks at her plate and sips her wine without making eye contact. "Yeah... I.... wow... we just met and I... I forget humans don't..."

"No, keep talking."

"No, this isn't..."

"It's really okay," he says. "Everyone has sex, Kinsley. At some point." He says it so matter of factly its charming. Her stomach twists and yet she continues.

Kinsley takes a deep breath. Carter has stopped eating and stares at her across the table with deep focus. "I did everything he wanted. I became everything he wanted. Every fetish, every interest. I did it. And he asked what I liked, what I wanted, but he never... I kept my interests light, safe, to be the sweet, good girl he wanted. He knew I had darker thoughts, but he thought he fixed me. I think in some ways he did. When we met I wasn't in a good place, and he did, fix me. But if you have dark thoughts, are they a light switch?" Carter nods in understanding. "Now that's he's gone I just keep thinking, if he can turn his feelings for me off like a light switch, maybe I can turn my darkness back on like one too." She lowers her voice. "Maybe I should."

"What does that mean?"

Kinsley tries to look a bit coy. "I just, have been exploring some other parts of myself."

Carter tries to hide his smile. "So I'm not the first guy you've picked up in a bar?"

Kinsley face turns red and she looks away. "No... I... not in real life... just... I just talk about it. Online. With strangers." She bites her lip and looks down than back up at him. "I'm way too much of a chickenshit to do this shit in real life."

Carter takes a sip of wine. More to pause the conversation, to watch her squirm a little. He likes it when they squirm. "And what do you tell them you like, Kinsley?" His interviewing of her, it comforts her.

She shakes her head. "You wouldn't get it." She looks at him.

He is so fucking normal. How do I share this?

"You might be surprised," he says. He leans back a little. "You're not going to scare me."

"It's.... dark..."

Carter nods. It's always the quiet ones. He wonders if she knows the meaning of dark. "Hair pulling? Spanking?" he questions.

"Darker." She looks away from him.

"Name calling? Blindfolds?"

Kinsley looks down and puts her hand over her mouth. "Darker," she mumbles.

"Bondage? Control?"

Kinsley stares at Carter now. She puts on her big girl pants. "I guess I want two things. I want to relinquish control, in whatever way someone wants me. And I want to take this deep emotional pain I'm feeling and turn it into something that heals. Something physical. I want someone who is willing to hurt me." The words leave her mouth and Kinsley can barely believe she has said it.

Carter looks at her, almost through her. His mind races with his desire to pull her over the table and take her. But she is much too perfect a toy to not play the long game. He controls the smirk on his face. "Wow um. Well, that is a little dark, Kinsley," he says. She rubs the nail of her index finger with her thumb. He likes that she clearly feels embarrassed now, and he tries to contain his arousal.

"I know it's wrong," she says. "I just can't stop myself."

He reaches across the table and touches her hand gently, stopping the nervous tick. He waits until she looks into his eyes. He is a patient man sometimes. She does eventually. "We all have demons, Kinsley. It's just matter of deciding what kind of men you're going to let play in consort with them." Kinsley tries to pull back her hand and Carter gives it a light squeeze before letting go.

"I..." she doesn't know what to say.

"Let's get the check. I'll walk you home this time."

* * * * * *

Kinsley lived in a nice building, a luxury high rise in the Seaport district with a doorman. She felt utterly safe there, in a bubble. And yet, she hated this building and all it reminded her of. She stops short of the entryway with Carter next to her.

"Thank you for walking me home," she says. "I don't even know where you live. I feel like this is out of the way for everyone."

"Charlestown," he says. "Don't worry about it." Kinsley looks at the ground and then back at him. His blue eyes burn into her. He lets his hand brush hers. Her body tingles. She wants him to kiss her. He knows this, but he doesn't. He just watches her.

She finally speaks. "Do you want to come up? My ex had a great liquor collection and he didn't take anything with him. I'm not much of a bartender but maybe like a glass of wine or like I don't know.... I don't know what else you like to drink or..."

Oh,

Carter thinks to himself

. She rambles when she gets nervous. How... sweet.

"There's no pressure here," he says, slowing her down. It always sets them at ease when he says that. "But I wouldn't mind seeing the view."