"Great," I thought to myself as the flakes started hitting the windshield of my beat-up old Toyota truck, "it's fucking snowing."
Not that I didn't expect it. All the weather forecasts for the Denver area said we were in for one hell of a blizzard. But in my optimism (or foolishness) I really thought I could get up and down this damn mountain before it started.
I had to deliver these divorce papers to Alexis Fountain. Now. It couldn't wait until Monday, or whenever it stopped snowing. Nope. The boss said now.
Boss...what a fucking joke that was. The arrogant little prick ran his legal paper service like a dictator, paid shit to his people and tried to screw you (literally, if you were a woman) at every turn. I'd twist the stupid bastard's head off if I didn't need the job so badly.
I'd come out of a disastrous divorce about three years ago with nothing but a bad attitude and a drinking problem. I lost my kids, house, cars and self-respect. To make things worse, her father had fired me from his international security service. It had been a tough but rewarding job, arranging security for big shots all over the world for 300 grand a year.
But the job took it's toll and one of them was my family. I traveled so much that my kids didn't know me and my wife became more and more distant. When I was home for any period of time, all we did was fight. Finally, one beautiful June day I came home from Dubai to find all the locks changed and divorce papers on the door along with a restraining order and an order giving temporary full custody of my children to my soon-to-be ex-wife.
She had cleaned out the bank accounts and taken the kids to Georgia to stay with her grandparents. My head was reeling trying to take all this in when my fancy cell phone rang.
It was my secretary. I was fired. No reason, no notice, no severance, just sayonara mother fucker.
Suddenly a strong, frigid wind hit my truck, jolting me back to reality. The snow was falling a little faster and the wind was picking up. I knew my bald-ass tires were for shit on snow or ice, but I had some chains in here somewhere. I was just hoping to get off this goddamn mountain before I needed them.
I wiped the windshield with my hand and peered out into the snowy landscape, trying to find the address on my notepad. Sometime in the next few minutes Alexis Fountain was going to find out what I felt like as I stood on the steps of what used to be my house trying to make sense of divorce papers that accused me of everything from adultery to leaving the toilet seat up. Not that I felt sorry for her. Hers had been a very privileged life. Born to wealth, thrown out of all the best schools, a jetsetter with supermodel looks and body. One of those spoiled celebutards that always end up on the front page of the celebrity rags. She'd married one of her fellow jet-setters 5 months ago against the wishes of her family. But what 19-year old listens to her family? Unfortunately for her they managed to cut off her funds and when the money ran out, so did hubby, leaving her deeply in debt and relentlessly pursued by the paparazzi. Then about a week ago, she disappeared, went underground. Nobody could find her and speculation ran wild: she killed herself, she moved to Alaska, had a sex-change operation, became a nun—all sorts of bizarre shit.
But my buddy Marty in the Forest Service who owed me a favor spotted her up here just two days ago. I'd saved his ass more than once when we served together as Navy SEALs. When we got out of the service, I introduced him to his future wife who I was banging at the time. Anyway, he called me because he'd heard nobody could find Alexis to serve these papers. Turns out her friend's uncle has a hunting cabin up here and Marty had seen her there a couple of times. I told my boss I knew where she was and he was ecstatic. It would be a real feather in his stupid little cap if his service were the one that served her. He nearly shit when I told him he would have to pay me three times my normal fee for this one—turned me down flat til I told him I'd go to his competitor. Then you should have heard the son of a bitch whine, like a little girl. "We're family" and "we all need to work together" and crap like that.
"Yeah, I saw how 'family' we are when you docked me last week for having to stop to fix a flat," I said, "You want me to serve her it's gonna cost you a grand." Finally he agreed, and after I made him put it in writing, he demanded that I go right away.
Which is how I found myself in a building snowstorm on the side of a mountain, trying to find an address when I can barely see the road. Complicating matters further was the fact that there was only about an hour of daylight left and I had a sinking feeling that wasn't going to be enough. As I slowly climbed, the road narrowed to barely wide enough to allow two cars to pass and visibility was getting worse. If it weren't for the telephone poles on my right I wouldn't have known where the edge of the road was at all.
Another half hour passed with my white knuckles on the wheel, desperately trying to find this damn cabin. I whipped out my cell phone to dial Marty and ask him where the hell I was, but I had no service. It's like those damn things know when you really need them and that's when they fuck you—kinda like women. "Helloooooo...bitter, party of one," I chuckled to myself.
Outside the wind was really blowing as the storm picked up. It wasn't snowing all that hard yet but what was coming down was horizontal—not a good sign. I was seriously thinking about turning around when I spotted a driveway on my left. I slid to a stop, squinting through the window to find an address. Nothing. I got out of my old beater to have a closer look. Jesus! It was fucking freezing out there. In the back of my mind I took note that I was not prepared for this kind of weather, having only brought a relatively light jacket and sweater with me. I walked over to the driveway, huddling against the wind and snowflakes that burned my face. Shit! No markings anywhere. As I turned to go back to my truck, I spotted something sticking out of the snow and walked over for a closer look. It was a buried address marker. Digging it out, I saw that it was indeed the number I sought. Relief washed over me as I rushed to get back into my truck. I might just survive this after all.
I turned my junker into the driveway, which immediately began to climb until the pavement ended, about 100 feet in. It was darker here, but the snow wasn't as bad because the trees broke the wind. A quarter mile or so up the drive, I could just make out the outline of a small cabin on the edge of a ridgeline. "Wow," I thought to myself, "I'll bet the view's great from here in clear weather." To the right, under a rickety little carport sat a brand new robin's egg blue Mercedes SUV with California plates. I knew then that I had found Alexis. I put on my jacket and reached behind the seat for a police cap I keep for just such occasions. Stuffing the papers in my coat I got out of the truck and walked to the door. Looking through the glass into the dimly lit cabin, I could see a figure on the floor in front of a fireplace. As my eyes adjusted to the dim light I realized it was a woman—a naked woman on her back.
At first I thought she was sleeping, but then she arched her back and her hips came off the floor and I could just see that her hand was buried between her legs. The firelight danced off her glistening skin as her other hand slid slowly up her body to her perfect breasts, roughly groping her erect nipples. Faster and faster her hand plunged into her pussy as she thrust her hips up to meet it. Her other hand roughly squeezed and tore at her nipples, much harder than I would have thought was bearable, much less pleasurable. Looking down at my own pants, I saw that my dick had grown uncomfortably large, and I had to adjust it to let the pressure off. Glancing back at the woman, I saw that she was quickly approaching orgasm. Her head began thrashing side to side as her passion rose. Suddenly, she froze with her face fixed unseeing on the ceiling and her mouth working uncontrollably open and closed. Then she let out a scream that I could hear even over the howling storm. As she came down from her orgasm, her head turned toward the door and I could see that it was indeed Alexis Fountain. Slowly her eyes opened as she lay there with a blissful smile on her face.
Then she saw me standing at the door.
She screamed, jumped to her feet and quickly disappeared from my view.
I waited to see what would happen. When she didn't reappear, I began to knock on the door. Nothing. I knocked louder. Still nothing. I began to shout in my most authoritative voice, "Police, ma'am." No answer so I pounded harder. "Ma'am, I'm with the highway patrol and we're trying to make sure residents on the mountain are ready for this storm. Can you just talk to me for a minute?"
Slowly she emerged from the shadows, looking suspiciously at me. She was wearing a short, terrycloth bathrobe and no shoes. I almost laughed out loud when I saw the meat cleaver in her hand. As she came closer, I pointed to my official-looking police hat. She reached for the door and cautiously looked at me.
"Are you okay?" I said. She nodded her head.
"Are you prepared for this storm?" Again she nodded.
"All right, then," I said, as I reached for the packet with the divorce papers, "Let me give you this list of emergency phone numbers and addresses just in case you have any trouble."
I handed her the packet, tipped my hat to her and started to walk away. From behind me I heard, "What?...You son of a bitch, these are divorce papers!"
Turning back I said "Yes Miss Fountain, you've been served."
Her face flushed red with rage. She raised her arm and flung the meat cleaver at my head. Only my quick reactions saved me from a major headache or worse.
I looked back at her and smiled, "Have a nice day."
"Fuck you, you piece of shit. I'll fucking kill you, bastard..."
I headed for my truck and climbed in. Glancing at her again, I saw that she was sitting on the steps, robe blowing up around her and bare feet in the snow, with her head in her hands, crying. At that moment I truly felt sorry for her—alone, hiding from a merciless media—deserted by friends and family—in a tiny little mountain cabin. Not like her infamous nights in Paris, London, New York and Hollywood, all carefully captured by the stalkerazzi for consumption by a knuckle-dragging, pathetic public. She had indeed fallen far.
My heart went out to her, but I knew I couldn't help her. I was now the enemy.
I started my truck, turned around and headed back down the driveway. Her image in my rear view mirror was slowly obscured by the swirling snow.
As I reached the bottom of the driveway I could see that the wind had picked up and was driving the snow flurries to white out conditions. I turned down the mountain, slowly creeping along, praying I wouldn't end up in a ditch. Ahead I heard a loud crack, and looked up just in time to slam on my brakes as a telephone pole slammed to the ground across the road. I slid into it, and felt a steel foot rung pierce the radiator. Through my windshield I could see a live wire writhing on the ground like a giant sparkler snake. Immediately I took my hands and feet off anything metal in the truck. Twice the giant electrical snake smacked against my hood, shooting sparks into the storm and leaving huge black gouges in the metal. If that thing hit my windshield, I was toast. It was time to act.
I waited until the snake writhed away from my truck, grabbed the doorhandle using my sweater (as if that would protect me from 18,000 volts), threw the door open and dove out into the storm. Quickly rolling away from the pole, I jumped to my feet and ran toward the back of the truck. Through the maddening snow I could see that the wind had caught the live wire and blown it off the other side of the road where it was spitting fire into a snow drift.
My radiator was dripping green antifreeze onto the road, so I knew the truck was done. As I put the sweater on, I assessed my options. I could sit in the truck and wait for a snowplow or ranger to come by, but who knew when that would happen? It was nearly dark now and nobody was likely to be out in this storm, at least until daybreak. That would mean spending the night in a freezing truck that could still be struck by a live electric wire. Trying to walk down the mountain would be suicide—I'd either freeze or walk off a cliff in this snow.
So there was really only one thing to do: go back to Alexis Fountain's little cabin hideout and somehow get her to let me in. I didn't look forward to that.
