The Jailhouse Blues

Dear reader,

This was the scariest, most hair-raising moment of my life to date.

On the outside, I was affecting a calm, untroubled, almost nonchalant demeanour.

But, on the inside...

*****

Chapter 2: The Wheel of Chastisement.

Prison officer Bella Donna stood ice-statue still, as though frozen in shock. Being defied by an inmate of HM Greystone Prison, I thought, must be a very unusual experience for her.

Her pale blue, chips-of-ice eyes radiated cold... no wonder I had started shivering. With chilling certainty, I knew that she would now make me pay an exorbitant penalty. A very high price indeed, for refusing to 'assume the position', and denying her her Prisoners' Foot Service 'privileges'.

When she didn't immediately say anything, in response to my flat refusal to do her bidding; didn't instantaneously react, to my stubborn and steadfast refusal to bow to her authority and obey her odious commands, her colleague, prison officer Billie Jo, blurted in dismayed incredulity, "Bel! You are not going to let prisoner Lightwood get away with that, are you? He has defied you!"

When she received no reply, prison officer Billie Jo threatened to take it upon herself to administer an instant and painful remedial response against me. "He needs a good slap! That's what he needs - and a damn good caning! Shall I fix the little squirt, Bel?" she offered. "I'll soon sort him out! First, a few good, hard slaps - I like the personal touch; the satisfying sensation of feeling the palm of my hand smacking into an uppity prisoner's face and making his eyes water - and then I'll restrain him to the bars of his cell. And, so help me, I'll soon get him thinking straight! I'll cane him like there's no tomorrow! Oh, I'll make his eyes water, all right! I'm certainly not going to just idly stand by, and let him get away with all kinds of—"

"No - wait!" cautioned prison officer Bella Donna. "Hold your fire, BJ. And calm down - it's just not worth getting all het up over a prisoner. Besides, I can see how much you are enjoying yourself... so stay where you are. Of course I'm not going to let prisoner Lightwood get away with defying me - you know me better than that. No, BJ. Quite the contrary. I was just thinking, that's all. Thinking about what to do about his noncompliance; about what would be the appropriate corrective measures to take."

"Well, I know what I'd do, Bel."

"Hmm... This is an important decision. And careful consideration is called for, if I'm to achieve optimal results. In a case such as this, where the ultimate aim is to ensure that a satisfactory outcome is secured long-term, choosing the right corrective-discipline option now, right at the outset, is key."

"I know you'll make the right decision, Bel: The choice that will most benefit prisoner Lightwood."

"So... if I'm going to mould prisoner Lightwood, BJ, the way you have moulded prisoner Chapman: if I'm going to train him— no, condition him, to automatically accommodate all of my own personal likes, preferences and requirements with regard to Foot Service - to serve me, now and in the long-term, the way that prisoner Chapman is now so slavishly serving you - I think I should break him in right from the get-go."

"Oh, I couldn't agree more, Bel."

"I'll need to crush that rebellious streak right out of him now, immediately - first as last. Purge it from his system. I'll prescribe a rebalancing therapy for prisoner Lightwood. A single-course programme, that will not only put an instant stop to his irksome serial misdemeanours, but will also serve to eradicate such inappropriate-behaviour patterns permanently: Post-therapy, there will be no more speaking out of turn, from friend Lightwood. No more troublesome antics. No more disrespect. No more noncompliance. No more defiance. In short: no more saying 'No'. All of his present misbehaviour patterns will be safely consigned to his past."

"Sounds like a plan, Bel."

"The new, reformed prisoner Lightwood will be an altogether more agreeable person: Unfailingly respectful. Unfailingly compliant. Unfailingly obedient. In other words: he won't be saying 'No' anymore. Not to me. Not to you. And not to any other prison officer."

"Well, you'll get no argument from me on that score, Bel."

"So, I think there's only one thing for it... If I'm to successfully nip prisoner Lightwood's errant ways in the bud, the ultimate sanction is called for. Correctional treatment of the highest order: a Ball-Bust, administered on the Wheel of Chastisement."

"Now you're talking, Bel!"

"As you've said so yourself, BJ, it's a sure cure for prisoners' defiance. At least, it's as close to a surefire remedy as we've been able to devise. Occasions when prisoners have actually remained unbroken - have not responded positively to the treatment; not even to the follow-up double, and then finally triple-dose treatments - are few and far between."

"The 'One-in-a-hundred's, Bel?"

"Yes, BJ. The prisoners we refer to as the 'One-in-a-hundred's: The freak minority, who are so totally averse, just so overwhelmingly repulsed by the prospect of submitting to Foot Service, that even repeated Ball-Bust treatments can't cure their phobia-like disinclination."

"The actual failure rate of the Ball-Bust therapy is extremely low, isn't it, Bel? And I'm not surprised!"

"The statistics speak for themselves, BJ. When administered on the Wheel of Chastisement, the prison's ultimate reformative sanction delivers an almost perfect success rate: ninety-nine per cent. Hence the so-called 'One-in-a-hundred' freak minority of failures - those rare breed, tiny-minority prisoners, who would actually prefer to let us ruin them in our attempts to cure them. Those unbreakable One-in-a-hundred exceptions, who are the tiny flaw in our almost perfect Ball-Bust statistics, are an anomaly - an aberration."

"Well, if we can't cure them, Bel, no one can!"

"And then on the opposite side of that same coin, BJ, are the prisoners who are equally unsuited to being institutionalised in Greystone Prison - but for the exact opposite reason: the foot fetishists. Those other freak-minority prisoners, who, upon their being discovered to have a foot fetish are transferred to another institution."

"And I should think so too - prisoners aren't sent here to enjoy themselves! Foot fetishists - of all things! I ask you! I couldn't believe it, the first time I found a prisoner actually enjoying tongue-cleaning the soles of my dirty feet - actually getting a humungous erection from it! Or at least, he was, until I went into his cell and dragged him out of his assuming-the-position position and gave him a damn good caning to help take his mind off it before putting him in the prisoner transfer holding cell. Naturally I'd assumed he was getting so hot under the collar from me letting him look right up my skirt - especially since I wasn't wearing my panties that day... But Bel, I knew you'd be thinking along those lines. And it's exactly what I'd do, too - I love a good Ball-Bust!"

"BJ, if ever a prisoner needed his balls busting, it is prisoner Lightwood. Look at him, BJ. Even now, he is still brazenly staring at my face, instead of respectfully staring down at my feet. And he's still sitting in that folding-chair, even after I've expressly told him that he must stand in the presence of prison officers - and so actually he is also disrespecting and defying you too, BJ."

Prison officer Billie Jo glared malevolently at me. "He needs fixing, Bel," she said. "And fixing good."

"Well, BJ, I'm going to fix him, all right - once and for all. I'm going to make him wish he'd never set eyes on me. Disrespect me, will he? Disobey me, will he? Defy me, will he? Say 'No' to me, will he? Well, not any more. I'll soon get him thinking straight - thinking coherently and logically. After today, prisoner Lightwood will never dare say 'No' to me again - ever. I'm going to cow him, crush him, break him - bring him to heel."

"Good for you, Bel. He can't be allowed to get away with treating you this way - and as you say, when he disrespects and disobeys and defies you he is by implication actually disrespecting and disobeying and defying me and every other prison officer too. And it's not on, is it? I mean, where would we all be, if we let such behavior go unchecked? Where would we all be, if we let prisoners cock a snook at our authority whenever they felt like it? And you've got the right idea, Bel: if there's anything I've learned, it's that in matters of correctional discipline it's better not to pussyfoot about with the prisoners - it's better to be cruel to be kind."

"That's exactly my way of thinking, BJ."

"When prisoner Chapman first flouted my authority, I thought I'd stomped down good and hard on him. I thought I'd done enough to get him thinking straight - thinking coherently and logically - right there and then. I thought I'd straightened him out. But I was wrong. It turned out I hadn't put my foot down even nearly hard enough - you know, Bel; with the dental thing, when I had the prison doctor pull all of prisoner Chapman's teeth, because he'd threatened to bite my foot if I put it in his mouth?"

"Ha ha ha! How could I forget? That was an inspired comeback, BJ. What a perfectly suitable comeuppance, for the disobedient little scrote. Hey! We'll have to give prisoner Chapman a nickname... I know, how about... 'Gummy'?"

"Ha haaaaaa! Suits him perfectly, Bel. Oh, and that reminds me: now that I know I'll be retaining old Gummy here long-term, I'll have to see if I can get some NHS second-hand dentures for him from the prison doctor... I'll be sure to choose him some nice ones, heh heh heh."

"Ha ha ha ha! BJ, you are a star! Serves him right! I can't wait to see his new choppers - well, new to him! Ha ha ha ha!"

"Heh heh heh... Anyway, Bel, where was I?"

"You were telling me about what you did about prisoner Chapman - old Gummy, here - defying you. When for some reason he didn't like the idea of you putting your foot in his mouth."

"Oh, yes... Well, I'd obviously not stomped down on prisoner Chapman hard enough. Because when I returned to his cell a week later, just as I'd told him I would, it was only to find that he hadn't learned his lesson. I'd thought that, when I'd had all of his teeth removed from his mouth, I was simultaneously removing the word 'No' from his vocabulary - at least, in as far as the word pertained to me. But he still wasn't thinking straight - thinking coherently and logically. He was the sort of prisoner the Governor likes to describe as a 'slow learner'. When I told him to assume the position, and ready himself to provide me with Foot Service, he told me, in that snivelling, plaintive voice of his: 'We've been through all of this, Miss Billie Jo! Don't you remember, Miss Billie Jo? About the line I won't cross?' You can imagine my surprise, Bel."

"Ha ha ha ha!" laughed prison officer Bella Donna, greatly amused at prison officer Billie Jo's cruel parodying of Ross. And I had to admit: prison officer Billie Jo's imitation of my whinging-voiced cellmate was astonishingly spot on. She definitely had quite a talent for mimicry.

Prison officer Billie Jo went on, "I think after the damn good caning I'd given him a week earlier, he was prepared to massage my feet for me; even reconciled himself to letting me use his face as a footrest. But he was still hung up about letting me put my foot in his mouth. I could hardly believe it, Bel, to be honest with you. I mean, how stupid is he? He'd had a full week to get his head around what was expected of him; that should have been plenty of time to come to terms with it. I was going to have my way with him in the end; surely he had to know that? Is he a moron, or what? Did he actually think I was going to allow him to cherry-pick? Why did he have to make things so difficult for himself - and for me? I thought: 'Right! No more pussyfooting about! If this, is what being nice does! If this, is where being lenient gets me!' Suffice to say, Bel, I wasn't best pleased, with his pointless intransigence."

"I'll bet!" said prison officer Bella Donna, glaring angrily down at my cellmate, who was assuming the position for Foot Service at prison officer Billie Jo's feet. "And neither would I have been, BJ, if faced with such wilful obstinacy."

Prison officer Billie Jo continued, "So, when he defied me that second time; tried to take advantage of my good nature again, I was having none of it. I didn't pussyfoot about this time - oh no! I thought: 'I'm going to bust his slow-learning balls for him!' So I did what I should have done in the first place, instead of being so softhearted: I applied to the Governor for a Written Approval Order, to have him put on the Wheel of Chastisement."

"It's the old 'Be-cruel-to-be-kind thing again, isn't it, BJ? So much of our prisoners' needless pain and suffering could so easily be saved. But they will insist upon bringing it upon themselves. The prisoners are their own worst enemies, BJ. They need saving from themselves."

"I know, Bel. The Governor thinks that Greystone's rules and punishments are strict enough and severe enough already. But I would very much like to see them much further reinforced. A more stringent, tough-love regime could only be good for the prisoners' welfare; could only help them to stay in line, and out of trouble. But we have no say in these matters, Bel. We are just prison officers, aren't we? We don't make new rules, we just ensure that the current ones are strictly enforced."

"I absolutely agree, BJ. The prisoners have much too cushy a time of it here - much too cushy a time! Oh, things would be very different, if we had any say!"

"Yes. Anyway, Bel, as I was saying... The ball was in prisoner Chapman's court, wasn't it? How he played it, was entirely up to him. Simply by doing what I'd told him to do - assume the position - he could have saved himself from all of that pain and suffering, down in the gymnasium. Simply by using his own initiative - obeying my orders to provide me with Foot Service - he could so easily have avoided his harrowing ordeal; could so easily have spared himself his terrible humiliation, in front of an audience of female prison officers. But he chose not to. Instead, he chose to resist futilely. Like I said, Bel, he wasn't thinking straight - thinking coherently and logically... But he is now."

"BJ, maybe that's what the Greystone Prison motto should be: 'Be Cruel to be Kind'. It says it all, doesn't it? It would be such a good policy to adopt. I mean... it does no good, does it, to go too easy on the prisoners? Not in the long run. We'd be doing them no favours, if we cut them some slack. That could only be to their detriment. We wouldn't be acting in their best interests, if we didn't bring them to book - didn't forcefully address the errors of their ways - each and every time they behaved with impropriety, where females are concerned. If we came over all hearts-and-flowers all of the time, and let them make a song and dance about every little thing, well, it would only have a negative, rehabilitation-hindering influence on them, that could only in turn adversely affect their life-chances... And, I remember the Governor was quite amenable to your Ball-Bust request, wasn't she, BJ?"

"The Governor was as good as gold about it, Bel. Once I'd explained my case; made her fully aware of the nature of prisoner Chapman's repeated noncompliance, she immediately approved my request to have a Ball-Bust. She was absolutely all for it. She told me that such obdurate noncooperation from prisoners was intolerable, and can never go unchecked. She said: 'Officer Billie Jo, whatever needs to be done, must be done. We can't have prisoners saying 'No' to us!' She said she was rather surprised that prisoner Chapman's first course of treatment hadn't done the trick, but that, unless he was one of the rare breed One-in-a-hundred category of prisoner, the stronger medicine I was now prescribing for him would be sure to cure him. She even fast-tracked the Written Approval Order for the Wheel of Chastisement so that I could administer prisoner Chapman's remedial therapy without delay... And, as you can see, Bel... he's been all the better for it. The results speak for themselves, don't they? Oh, it did him a world of good, his little ride on the Wheel. He's never said 'No' to me, since."

"Yes, BJ, and that's exactly what I'm thinking... That a ride on the Wheel of Chastisement will do prisoner Lightwood the world of good, too. That it will clear his head. That it will get him wearing his thinking-cap. That it will make him see reason. That it will get him thinking straight - thinking coherently and logically."

"Oh, I think it will, Bel... prisoner Lightwood doesn't look like a One-in-a-hundred to me."

"He doesn't to me, either... I think he's just being stubborn. Just being obdurate. In disrespecting me, in disobeying me, in defying me, in not bowing to my authority, he must know that he is letting himself in for a world of pain and humiliation - surely, his cellmate must have warned him? I think he's just showing token resistance, that's all. Pseudo macho bravado. That's why he said 'No' to me. He's trying to save a bit of face. He doesn't think much to the consequences of his noncompliance."

"Yes, Bel. Just like his cellmate - and we all know what happened to him!"

"Right, BJ. I'm going to radio Control, and do exactly as you did: I'm going to ask Natalie to see if she can get the Governor to fast-track a Written Approval Order for the Wheel of Chastisement. So that I can get things in motion for the Ball-Bust now, straight away, and administer prisoner Lightwood's remedial therapy without delay."

"It's all for the best, Bel. You'll see. Prisoner Lightwood is obviously every bit as stupid as his idiot cellmate, and he needs his retarded mind making up for him as well. Absolute imbeciles, the both of them. Talk about slow learners! What a pair they make. Obviously they were both right at the very back of the queue when the brains were given out, and they've had to make do with what was left."

Turning to me, prison officer Billie Jo said with malicious glee, "Did you hear all that, prisoner Lightwood? Eh? Officer Bella Donna is going to have your balls! She's going to bust your balls! And it is going to really, really hurt! And, do you know something? I hope I get to watch it. And not just the Ball-Bust itself, but also what happens to you right after. In fact, with any luck I might even be assigned to the caning-party. The Wheel of Chastisement is a sure cure for prisoners' defiance - just ask your cellmate. I soon crushed the resistance out of him - not that the little worm was much of a challenge... And look at him now, prisoner Lightwood. Just look at him now..."

I looked at him now... As far as my cellmate was concerned, there was no arguing with prison officer Billie Jo's grasp of the state of affairs.

"Just five minutes on the Wheel of Chastisement. That was plenty of time to sort prisoner Chapman out. More than enough. By the time I'd finished with him - finished administering my five barefoot kicks to his fully exposed testicles - he was all nice and clear-headed. Oh yes. He was certainly wearing his thinking-cap! All of a sudden, lo and behold: he was thinking straight - thinking coherently and logically. At last, he'd seen the errors of his ways. He was suddenly seeing reason: he'd knelt at my feet, grovelled with apology, vowed his future obedience, and literally begged to provide whatever manner of Foot Service I might wish to avail myself of him - he'd do anything, he told me, to avoid another Ball-Bust."

My god! I thought. What sort of woman was she?

"Yes: he'd finally managed to cross his stupid 'line'. You know, the line he'd told me he wouldn't cross? But, believe me, he crossed it the hard way. So hard, he cried himself to sleep that night - and for nights after, too... And, prisoner Lightwood, by the time officer Bella Donna has finished with you, you'll be all nice and clear-headed, too. Oh yes. You'll be wearing your thinking-cap. And then you'll be thinking straight - thinking coherently and logically: You'll see the errors of your ways, at last. And then you'll start seeing reason. You'll be grovelling with apology, vowing your future obedience, and literally begging officer Bella Donna to let you provide whatever manner of Foot Service, for her! And, prisoner Lightwood, when you are crying yourself to sleep tonight - and for nights after, too - remember: you asked for it!"