Alright, be cool, Sammy boy, be cool. You've spent years training for this kind of thing, you can do it. I realized I hadn't even moved since I'd opened my eyes, so with an arch to my back I stood up, ignoring my protesting joints. I moved slowly, hands out in front of me to signify I meant no harm as I approached her, blue eyes following my every movement warily. I carefully sat down next to her. She didn't move but I could see her shoulders tense, that fight or flight animal response glimmering in her eyes. I didn't say anything. As gently as I could I wrapped my arms around her, and hugged her tenderly. She tried to push me away at first before collapsing against my chest and she began to sob hard; huge wracking sobs that caused her whole body to tremble. God she seemed so small in that moment, her slim form completely enveloped in my arms. I knew she had carried the burden of what had happened to her for so long, and that she'd had to keep strong for herself for so long, that finally sharing her most shameful moments with another was cathartic beyond a doubt, but even more so it was unimaginably traumatic.
So I held her like that for half an hour, an hour? I couldn't tell you how long, I held her until tears tapered off and the shivering stopped. She began to sniffle and she pushed back from me a little, trying to regain her composure. She was dabbing at her eyes and I handed her a tissue.
"How about this," I touched her cheek fondly, holding her gaze with my own "I make us a pot of tea, would you like that?"
She sniffled and nodded. I gave her forehead a kiss and retired to the kitchen. I went with Earl Grey, brewing it up in the kettle and pouring two steaming mugs worth. I added a dab of honey to each and a little of the "seasoning" extra for her cup that would help ease her troubled mind. "It's snowing," I heard her say with soft wonder. I looked back and I could see her eyes focused on the bay window and sure enough, gentle flakes were coating the tree branches and window sill. It had been sunny and warm when she'd arrived that day.
"Kinda magical, eh?" I said returning to the living room handing her a cup, and sitting back down next to her.
"Is it alright if I stay a little bit longer? Do you have anywhere you have to be? I'm just..."
"Of course, Alexis," I said soothingly. I completely understood. She didn't want to be alone at that moment. She'd spent the last year alone, tortured by those inner demons that now were free. "You can even spend the night if you like."
"No, I don't mean that" she said, studying my gaze. "I just can't leave right away after all that. I need to decompress, or something...I just need a few moments."
"By all means. How's the tea?"
"It's good," she smiled faintly. "A little sweet but good." And then she was silent and I was silent, and it was kind of nice. One of those comfortable gaps in a conversation. The snow seemed to muffle everything, like they were living in a world without sound. She had her mug cupped between her two hands sipping gingerly, her eyes focused on nothing in particular straight ahead.
After some time, I touched her arm "Alexis, what else happened?"
"What..?" She turned to me, regaining focus from her reverie.
"I know there's more that you haven't told me yet. I think it is best just to get it all
out there. We can start the healing process once it's all on the table, but while you keep it to yourself, it continues to poison you."
She closed her eyes and I could see the pain there, and then when she opened them, there was a glimmer in those blue pools, a pleading glimmer. "I can't tell you the rest. I can't..."
"I can re-hypnotize you. You won't even realize what it is being said, until afterward."
"No, no..." she shook her head firmly once, her voice barely above a whisper "It doesn't work."
"But..."
"I was faking," she turned from me, unable to maintain my steady gaze. "I needed to tell someone. I felt like I was going insane. The memories kept hammering at me and hammering...and you were so nice to me," her eyes were beautiful when they returned to my own, so desperate to make me understand. "I wanted to tell you. I so...wanted... to tell you, but I just couldn't. I was too humiliated. It was too embarrassing to just come out and say it. When you mentioned hypnotizing me, it gave me a pretense with which I could feel comfortable telling you."
"Ok..." I nodded slowly, taking all this in. I let loose a deep sigh "But how is this last thing any different?"
Her eyes were searching my face, as if deciding whether she should even explain this. "It's worse," she whispered.
Worse? How could it possibly be worse? This girl had been sexually molested by her doctor and brutally raped by a boy she liked. What could be worse than that? "Alexis, I don't understand."
She grabbed one of my hands with both of her smaller ones. She looked at me directly, pausing for emphasis before she spoke. I could see she was blushing some.
"Please Sam. You have to understand. It's unspeakably humiliating..." She looked away again.
"That's why it's so important that you tell me what happened." I gave one of her hands a firm squeeze and tried to catch her eyes. "You know you can trust me, Alexis."
Her lips quivered, she looked down, and when she looked up, tears were streaming down her cheeks "I didn't deserve what happened. I didn't ask for it."
"I know, Alexis, I know. You know you can trust me. Tell me what happened," I said softly, touching her cheek fondly and then more firm: "Tell me."
She shook her head stubbornly, tearfully, her eyes downcast. She wasn't even looking at me.
I lifted her chin, maybe too roughly. I needed her to meet my gaze though. "It's important that you tell me."
"Please don't make me," her tearful gaze was radiant at that moment, she was squeezing my hand urgently. Then just a whisper: "Please..."
I probably should have acquiesced. I was trained to acquiesce in this kind of situation. But the words that came out were this: "I need to know, Alexis. I need to know. So tell me." Then belatedly: "to help you."
Her wide blue eyes were searching my face for something. She must not have seen what she was looking for because he look she gave me then chilled me to the core. I can't even really describe its liquid intensity, all her tears were gone but her eyes still shimmered, and she was looking at me like she was seeing me for the first time. She gently, but coolly disentangled her hands from my own, watching me the whole time. I thought she was going to stand up and walk out right then, but she didn't move. She merely undid her ponytail, shaking out her hair, before retying it. She pulled her legs up beneath her to sit Indian style, her eyes focused on her hands at her lap. I noticed she was shivering.
She wasn't facing me anymore. She was faced forward, and her eyes were downcast so when she started speaking I didn't even hear. Her voice was an almost completely inaudible whisper. I was shocked. After all that she had submitted to my demand. She had begun to tell the third story.
*****
She hadn't wanted to comeback for the Fall, but CU was the only place she had a scholarship so she didn't have much of a choice. As it happened she had a horrendous lottery number and couldn't get a single, so she was randomly assigned a roommate. She ended up with a fiery Indian girl named Sariya. She was pretty and petite, and Alexis had figured she was respectful and demure like most of the other Indian girls she had known. But she had a wicked wolfish smile and would talk so matter-of-factly about fetishes and sado-masochism, swinging both ways all other kinds of erotica that would leave Alexis blushing. Still she liked Sariya's boundless energy and feistiness and it wasn't long before she became more a friend than just a roommate. She was persistent too. Every weekend she'd beg Alexis to come out with her to a party or Pearl Street or a Frat House, but each time Alexis refused. She was paranoid enough about going to class everyday, and being in any kind of crowded social scene would have been enough to send her into a panic.
Still Sariya was gradually wearing her down, and Alexis appreciated what the girl was trying to do. "We'll get you out of your shell yet," Sariya would say with a mischievous smile. "I think we'd have a lot of fun together." Come homecoming weekend, Alexis finally relented to join Sariya for a drink at Pearl Street. Just one drink, and then they were going home. That was the terms. With a smile Sariya agreed. Sariya knew the owner of a place called the Red Peacock, and they'd be able to get in even though they were both underage.
Fittingly, Sariya glitzed up with heavy make-up, a short red miniskirt and haltertop, her usually straight raven-black hair, frizzed and teased. The girl loved attention. Alexis didn't. It was a warm night so she went with a simple black tanktop, jeans, sandals and a ponytail. The only makeup she wore was the mascara and eyeliner she'd taken to wearing after the rape. It hid the bags under her eyes from the consistent lack of sleep, but moreso, it matched her appearance with how she felt; like a ghost. It felt like she just haunted places now, and was invisible to the world. Her life had been taken from her. She just wanted to be normal again and going out with Sariya was supposed to be the first step.
With a reckless smile Sariya took Alexis' arm and guided her down the cobblestone way of Pearl Street, between store fronts and lamp posts, but more than anything just the pressing mass of humanity. Everyone was in high spirits and had definitely dabbled in high spirits, either drunk or well on their way there. Still, petite little Sariya blazed a path through the revelers with considerable ease, dragging Alexis through the crowd before ducking out a side street and then descending down an almost hidden stairwell just off the main strip. Out front the lamps were red and adorned with Chinese characters, and the windows were stained glass.
Within, it was dark, but too finely decorated to be considered a dive bar. The walls were lined with expansive wooden booths, while the center was just open space with people vibrating on the dance floor to thumping House music. Overwhelmingly the theme was red, red lights and red stools; even the bartender wore red and it cast a sinister light on everything and everyone. The bouncers didn't even accost them, as they both gave a nod of recognition to Sariya as she walked right on past them with nary a second glance. Even the bartender and Sariya exchanged a meaningful look, and Alexis caught a twitch to his lips; he must've been her contact at the bar. Alexis wanted to get acclimated to the place, but Sariya was like a whirlwind and she nodded and smiled over at another guy sitting alone in the corner booth. She guided Alexis in that direction.
"Ranji!" She said with an easy grin "How are you?"
Ranji's head lolled up to her. He had been peeling the label off his half-empty Budweiser Bottle. He squinted at Sariya, before a smile of recognition crossed his face. It was clear he was very drunk. "Ah, Sariya!" He slurred. "I didn't think you'd be here."
