For some people Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year and yet for others Thanksgiving dinner is the day they look forward to the most, but for me and my friend Jake April Fools Day is the reason for getting up in the morning. We've been friends since grade school and Jake has always been the jokester, a class clown through and through, but when we get together we elevate pranks from petty mischief to artistic masterpieces.
In elementary we started with the classics: fart machine under the teacher's chair, cling wrap around the toilet bowl in the girl's washroom, an opened tin of anchovies slid under the receptionist's desk at the principal's office, and the like, but we soon upped our game, each trying to outdo the other. In grade 7 Jake got the school's only copy of the antiquated "Learning About Your Body" VHS they showed in Health class and meticulously dubbed over all the technical sex terms with old-timey horn sounds; "Roll the condom down over your *PFFRRP PFFRRP* to stay protected before you engage in *AWOOOGA*" could be heard in the middle school lunchroom years after we graduated. In my junior year of high school I built a website for a fake motivational speaker and got the school to book them for an assembly on "Success After School." On the day of the assembly a Chris Farley impersonator my uncle knew ran through three quarters of the "Van Down by the River" skit from SNL before the principal clued in.
April Fools Day was the crown jewel of our year and we always tried to one-up each other, ratcheting up the stakes each year and planning weeks in advance, just to see who could go the farthest for a laugh. On April 1 in grade 11 Jake got flyers printed and posted in throughout town advertising "Affordable Male Companionship for Older Women" and put my cell number at the bottom. I was getting calls from horny old women right through that summer. The next year I saved up for three months and paid for an aerial banner to be flown over our hometown that read "Stacy McKeown, will you marry me?" The shit-show it caused with his first long-term girlfriend, and the conservative parents that didn't know they were dating, almost broke our friendship. We always seemed to patch it up, each of us planning to get back at the other one next year.
In college we went to different schools but always found the time in the to really pull out all the stops. One year he drove into town, convinced my roommates to get me blackout drunk and when I passed out he dragged my mattress out onto the pitchers mound of our school's D1 baseball team diamond. I woke up painted in Mississippi State colours as the cameras were being setup for our annual spring rivalry with the Bulldogs. It made SportsCenter that year.
After graduation we drifted further apart. Jake got married a couple years ago and moved a few states over and I started working my way up the corporate ladder in the city and, since we were now making some money, the pranks kept escalating. Every year around mid-March our guard went up, not knowing what the other was planning, and didn't let up until after Easter, just in case.
This last year I was still wary and on the lookout for any sort of shenanigans but in the last week of March work started piling up at the office, so I put my nose to the grindstone and soon I lost track of the days. Finishing late one night I went home, changed out of my suit and tie, and was swiping right on Tinder in my apartment when I matched with a beautiful, mature-looking black woman a few miles away looking for 'a quiet dinner and conversation ONLY.' I was scrolling for a little more action than that but hadn't yet eaten so I agreed and we picked a spot downtown to meet up for some Thai food.
I was not prepared or dressed for the woman that pulled up in the taxi shortly after I arrived at the restaurant. When Candice's legs swiveled out of the cab door and up on to the curb, I was dumbstruck. Six feet tall with heels, she was dressed in a black knee-length skirt and complimentary jacket over a loose white blouse. Hair done up in bun, she was wearing glasses and carrying a small matching handbag. Every aspect of her look was clean and manicured, her dark skin smooth and moisturized and gleaming in the streetlights. Clearly an executive of some sort from one of the downtown head offices or firms, her whole style exuded confidence and authority. Emerging from the cab she had an annoyed look on her face, so when she asked if I was Phil, it took me a long second to understand she was even talking to me.
"Yeah, uh, that's me. Uh, I'm sorry I didn't, um, dress appropriately?" I fumbled out in reply, looking down at my buttoned shirt and jeans.
Her face softening, she said quickly, "Oh, yeah, don't worry about it, I just got off work. Let's get inside and eat," and moved past me to the entrance of the restaurant. I followed silently like I'd been given an order from my own boss.
We ordered food and began talking over some pad thai and lemongrass chicken and she seemed to let her guard down. She'd gone to an Ivy League school and was working at a law firm downtown but was in a similar spot as I was, low on the totem pole but grinding. We seemed to have a lot in common and we bonded over some shared Netflix picks and a love of cats. Candice was sharp-witted and insightful and not at all as intimidating as her look portrayed when her wide smile came out. She talked about her family growing up in Atlanta and I regaled her with stories of small-town life in rural New Jersey. Over a bunch of drinks and a few plates of BBQ pork rolls we talked and laughed and silently checked each other out and ended up shutting the place down. Splitting the check, we made our way back into the now-cool evening, each pulling out the Uber app and dreading that awkward goodbye. Trying to keep to the terms of our original agreement, I kept it cordial.
"So, if you're ever up for dinner again, or you're on the east side and want to catch up on the newest season of that show or something, hit me up, or you know whatever," I rambled.
"Oh, you live east of downtown too? Let's split an Uber and you can tell me which season it gets good, because that first one is so boooring." She chuckled and sidled up next to me to compare addresses on the app. Getting up close she was almost my height, and the cool night air gave her a bit of a shiver that seemed to pass into me when our elbow touched.
"Perfect, yeah looks like you're on the way so let's drop you off first." I said, punching in the addresses and hailing for a driver on my phone.
The four minutes it took for the car to pull up seemed to last forever, the cold breeze sobering us up and seemingly destroying the rapport we'd built. I didn't even have a jacket to give her to keep her warm. When we got in the car, one of those rides with no music and a silent driver, the vibe seemed to drop even further. We settled into talking about work the next day and boring life shit and eventually fell as silent as our chauffeur. It seemed like we were destined to fall out of each others lives.
Candice began rolling off the work-related stress from her neck in long circles and took off her heels and rubbed at her toes and was making it obvious she wanted to get home and to sleep quickly. Looking out the window dejected I heard the unmistakeable soft 'click' of a bra clasp opening and turned to see her fishing it out of the top of her blouse.
"Phew. Oh, sorry, this thing has just been killing me all day," she explained, looking up at me and then turning to face her window, "can you get this knot out?" She pointed to her neck and shoulder and leaned backward towards me before I could sneak a furtive glance at what the bra had revealed.
Turning towards her, I caught her shoulders in my hands and immediately started rubbing the top of her trapezius muscles and neck, ironing out any hard spots with a rolling thumb on her smooth skin. Her shoulders were broad, she had strong traps and it was clear she worked out and was maybe a gymnast or something in the past because her muscles were well defined and taut. She quietly 'oohed' and 'aahed' when I hit a spot that needed tending to and was letting more of her weight fall into my hands.
Getting a glimpse over her shoulder now I could see that her blouse made no attempt to hide what the bra was keeping in check. Her dark areolas and nipples were now also well defined and taut, straining against the blouse and clearly shining through the thin, white fabric. I shot a quick glance to the rear-view mirror to see if the driver was sneaking a peek, but he had his eyes on the road, 9 and 3 on the wheel like a consummate professional.
Candice continued to lean back against me, and I held her up with my hands, rolling them up and over her shoulders and towards the front of her neck and collarbone. Staring down over her shoulder at her perky C-cup tits I moved my hands to her sides and rubbed the line her bra strap had made around the ribs and under each breast slightly. Getting no resistance to my caresses, I started circling the bottom of each boob slowly, lifting them up slightly as I worked them. She continued to lean into me in the back seat, eyes closed and murmuring coos of approval. I made my way up the underside of her tits and circled her tight nipples and rippled areolas with my index fingers, totally transfixed by her delectable bust, now completely in view through the open neck of her shirt. So focussed on her amazing chest was I that I didn't realize that she was now fully leaning on me with her face right next to mine. When I turned to see if she was still blissed out, she caught my gaze with fully open eyes and the hard stare that I first saw coming out the cab. Before I could say a word in my defence, she turned into me and kissed me passionately.
As we swirled our tongues together, a vague aftertaste of Singha beer and peanut sauce, she cupped my hands back up to her nipples and encouraged me to continue. I gave her nipples the tiny pinches needed to elicit more 'oohs,' that came out as 'mmms' while she was in my mouth. Releasing our kiss, she slid down the front my chest and came to rest on my lap looking up at me, the growing bulge in my pants pressing against the back of her neck.
Sensing an opportunity to take it to the next level, I moved one hand between her breasts with my palm down and slid it slowly down her stomach to where her blouse was tucked into her skirt. I could see the gap between her belly and the skirt and was almost into the promised land when she trapped her hand with mine against her, shook her head and said, "unh unh."
