For some people Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year and yet for others Thanksgiving dinner is the day they look forward to the most, but for me and my friend Jake April Fools Day is the reason for getting up in the morning. We've been friends since grade school and Jake has always been the jokester, a class clown through and through, but when we get together we elevate pranks from petty mischief to artistic masterpieces.
In elementary we started with the classics: fart machine under the teacher's chair, cling wrap around the toilet bowl in the girl's washroom, an opened tin of anchovies slid under the receptionist's desk at the principal's office, and the like, but we soon upped our game, each trying to outdo the other. In grade 7 Jake got the school's only copy of the antiquated "Learning About Your Body" VHS they showed in Health class and meticulously dubbed over all the technical sex terms with old-timey horn sounds; "Roll the condom down over your *PFFRRP PFFRRP* to stay protected before you engage in *AWOOOGA*" could be heard in the middle school lunchroom years after we graduated. In my junior year of high school I built a website for a fake motivational speaker and got the school to book them for an assembly on "Success After School." On the day of the assembly a Chris Farley impersonator my uncle knew ran through three quarters of the "Van Down by the River" skit from SNL before the principal clued in.
April Fools Day was the crown jewel of our year and we always tried to one-up each other, ratcheting up the stakes each year and planning weeks in advance, just to see who could go the farthest for a laugh. On April 1 in grade 11 Jake got flyers printed and posted in throughout town advertising "Affordable Male Companionship for Older Women" and put my cell number at the bottom. I was getting calls from horny old women right through that summer. The next year I saved up for three months and paid for an aerial banner to be flown over our hometown that read "Stacy McKeown, will you marry me?" The shit-show it caused with his first long-term girlfriend, and the conservative parents that didn't know they were dating, almost broke our friendship. We always seemed to patch it up, each of us planning to get back at the other one next year.
In college we went to different schools but always found the time in the to really pull out all the stops. One year he drove into town, convinced my roommates to get me blackout drunk and when I passed out he dragged my mattress out onto the pitchers mound of our school's D1 baseball team diamond. I woke up painted in Mississippi State colours as the cameras were being setup for our annual spring rivalry with the Bulldogs. It made SportsCenter that year.
After graduation we drifted further apart. Jake got married a couple years ago and moved a few states over and I started working my way up the corporate ladder in the city and, since we were now making some money, the pranks kept escalating. Every year around mid-March our guard went up, not knowing what the other was planning, and didn't let up until after Easter, just in case.
This last year I was still wary and on the lookout for any sort of shenanigans but in the last week of March work started piling up at the office, so I put my nose to the grindstone and soon I lost track of the days. Finishing late one night I went home, changed out of my suit and tie, and was swiping right on Tinder in my apartment when I matched with a beautiful, mature-looking black woman a few miles away looking for 'a quiet dinner and conversation ONLY.' I was scrolling for a little more action than that but hadn't yet eaten so I agreed and we picked a spot downtown to meet up for some Thai food.
I was not prepared or dressed for the woman that pulled up in the taxi shortly after I arrived at the restaurant. When Candice's legs swiveled out of the cab door and up on to the curb, I was dumbstruck. Six feet tall with heels, she was dressed in a black knee-length skirt and complimentary jacket over a loose white blouse. Hair done up in bun, she was wearing glasses and carrying a small matching handbag. Every aspect of her look was clean and manicured, her dark skin smooth and moisturized and gleaming in the streetlights. Clearly an executive of some sort from one of the downtown head offices or firms, her whole style exuded confidence and authority. Emerging from the cab she had an annoyed look on her face, so when she asked if I was Phil, it took me a long second to understand she was even talking to me.
"Yeah, uh, that's me. Uh, I'm sorry I didn't, um, dress appropriately?" I fumbled out in reply, looking down at my buttoned shirt and jeans.
Her face softening, she said quickly, "Oh, yeah, don't worry about it, I just got off work. Let's get inside and eat," and moved past me to the entrance of the restaurant. I followed silently like I'd been given an order from my own boss.
We ordered food and began talking over some pad thai and lemongrass chicken and she seemed to let her guard down. She'd gone to an Ivy League school and was working at a law firm downtown but was in a similar spot as I was, low on the totem pole but grinding. We seemed to have a lot in common and we bonded over some shared Netflix picks and a love of cats. Candice was sharp-witted and insightful and not at all as intimidating as her look portrayed when her wide smile came out. She talked about her family growing up in Atlanta and I regaled her with stories of small-town life in rural New Jersey. Over a bunch of drinks and a few plates of BBQ pork rolls we talked and laughed and silently checked each other out and ended up shutting the place down. Splitting the check, we made our way back into the now-cool evening, each pulling out the Uber app and dreading that awkward goodbye. Trying to keep to the terms of our original agreement, I kept it cordial.
"So, if you're ever up for dinner again, or you're on the east side and want to catch up on the newest season of that show or something, hit me up, or you know whatever," I rambled.
"Oh, you live east of downtown too? Let's split an Uber and you can tell me which season it gets good, because that first one is so boooring." She chuckled and sidled up next to me to compare addresses on the app. Getting up close she was almost my height, and the cool night air gave her a bit of a shiver that seemed to pass into me when our elbow touched.
"Perfect, yeah looks like you're on the way so let's drop you off first." I said, punching in the addresses and hailing for a driver on my phone.
The four minutes it took for the car to pull up seemed to last forever, the cold breeze sobering us up and seemingly destroying the rapport we'd built. I didn't even have a jacket to give her to keep her warm. When we got in the car, one of those rides with no music and a silent driver, the vibe seemed to drop even further. We settled into talking about work the next day and boring life shit and eventually fell as silent as our chauffeur. It seemed like we were destined to fall out of each others lives.
