It was almost 8:00 a.m. when John finally woke up the next morning. He'd tossed and turned for the first half of the night as he struggled with the guilt of how roughly he'd treated Amanda. She'd reassured him several times there was nothing he should feel guilty about. The way he had taken her was just what she wanted.
As John was struggling with his demons, Amanda had finally reconciled with her own. She had given herself over to those dark urges and needs within her since her college days. But it was always with the thought that one day she would escape their hold over her. We all like to live with the self-deception that we control the things that ultimately control us. She'd lived with the hope that once she found the right man, her past and her dark side would just fade from her life. Instead, John's ravaging her with a ferocity she hadn't felt since that night in college, brought her to the mind-breaking realization she had no control over that side of her psyche she'd given herself over to for almost 30 years. The man she thought would set her free, was now the one she was enslaved to. But within that enslavement, she found a freedom. A freedom she had never felt before. The freedom that comes with being loved and accepted for who and what you are.
Amanda stood at the stove smiling to herself, making breakfast, feeling both physically sore and mentally free. Then a wave of fear swept over her again. As it did every time she began feeling secure in her relationship with John. 'What if he gets tired of me? What if he gets tired of putting up with my issues?'
John stood in the doorway to the kitchen, watching Amanda making breakfast. 'Damn! If she isn't the most sensuous creature I've ever fucked.' He laughed to himself. 'Better never say that in front of Gina. She'll castrate me.' Once again, his guilt over how he'd treated her the night before faded, and his lust for her took its place. 'Why am I feeling guilty? She wanted everything I did to her! I don't even know if what I did to her was rough enough for her! No more second guessing myself. If that's the way she needs it and wants it, then that's the way she'll get it. I know I enjoyed it.'
John walked up behind her and wrapped his arms around her body, grabbing a breast in each hand. Amanda squealed as her body jumped.
John chuckled. "Sorry. Didn't mean to startle you."
"That's ok." Amanda replied as she leaned back into his body. "Sleep ok last night?"
"Not really. But we can talk about that later. I'm starving. And that smells so good." John said as he dipped his head and kissed her neck as his fingers dug into her tender tit flesh.
Amanda put the spatula down and wrapped her arm around his head, pulling it into her neck. "Do you ever get enough of my girls?" She groaned.
"Never." He replied as he rolled the nipples between his fingers. "These were meant for a man's pleasure. And I plan on enjoying them for a long, long time."
His words made her fears vanish. "They were made for babies to nurse on, silly." She responded teasing.
He pinched her nipples as he kissed her neck again. "I'm the only baby you need to worry about nursing, sexy." He released her and walked over to the coffee maker.
"No hangover this morning?" Amanda asked giggling.
"Slight headache." John replied smiling at her. He took a sip from his coffee. "I didn't drink enough to get a full-blown hangover."
"So you remember last night?" Amanda asked fishing for how he felt about what they had done. One side of her loathing that dark side of her, needing to be treated so roughly. The other side craving it so much, she was already wondering when John would take her again, like the whore she wanted to be treated like. She now felt the freedom to talk about all of it with him, no longer fearful of his rejection of her.
"I remember it completely." He replied as Amanda set his plate in front of him. "Mmmm. Looks good." He began eating like he hadn't eaten in days. He knew she was wanting to talk about it. So he obliged her. "Did I hurt you last night?"
Amanda sat down next to him with her own breakfast. "A little. But a part of me wants that. I don't think you could ever hurt me too much. Not because you're not capable. But because I think deep down, you're a good man, and it's not in you."
John looked at her, anger in his eyes. "I don't think you have a clue what you're talking about. You have no idea what kind of a man I am, deep down." He'd battled a simmering rage most of his adult life. Always keeping it under control. Rarely showing it to anyone. "I came face to face with a side of myself last night that scared me. A side of me I've always known was there. But I was able to control." He looked down at his plate and finished his scrambled eggs and hash browns.
Amanda just sat and listened as she ate her breakfast.
"When I was standing over your shaking body, knowing I could do anything I wanted to you, knowing you wanted it, knowing you craved it." He paused. "I don't know. Something came over me. I felt desires and cravings I've had before, but never gave into. You were no longer a woman I cared about deeply. You were an object I wanted to use to satisfy a hunger in me." He reached over and grabbed her wrist. "The more I tasted it, the more I gave into those cravings, the more I wanted it. I tasted something last night I want to taste again and again with you. Does that scare you?"
Amanda's heart was pounding. What started out as just a question, wondering how John was doing after their night of rough passion, was now a declaration of each one's role and their acceptance of it. John would be the predator. Amanda was his prey. "It scares me and excites me at the same time. I know I'm not your typical woman with her typical needs. I've always known that. The only thing that scares me is you walking away when you've had enough of me."
"Not happening." John replied without hesitation. Then he realized he better clarify their roles, knowing what she needed, and now what he wanted. "I know you said you want to feel owned by me."
"I do. It's not like a master/slave thing." Amanda wanted to clarify her own needs.
"Good! Because I'm not into that whole lifestyle thing." John interrupted. "One of our dispatchers in the department is in a master/slave relationship with her husband. She's very open about it. Even wears his collar. I'm not judging. It's just not me."
"Me neither. I just need to know and be made to feel like I'm your possession. I get such satisfaction out of knowing I belong to you, knowing you can do whatever you want with me, whenever you want it. But also knowing that I please you. That's all I want to do." Amanda smiled. "But I wouldn't be opposed to wearing something that showed I belong to you."
John chuckled. "I'll give that some thought. You do please me. But if you want my ownership of you, or whatever you want to call it. Then it's on my terms. Is that clear?" John felt his desire for her taking possession of him as they talked about their relationship.
"Yes." Amanda felt herself responding to his authority.
"I'm not into all that bondage shit, or name calling. Not saying it might not happen at times in the heat of the moment. But it's not going to be our lifestyle. I'm also not going to be one of those guys who has to control every aspect of your life, what you wear, what you eat, the make-up you wear. What attracted me to you, to begin with, was your inner strength. So if you're going to become one of those women who have to be told what to do and how to do it all the time, this isn't going to work." He said pointing back and forth between them. "We aren't going to work."
Amanda just smiled. "I don't need that either. I know how to dress and feed myself. I just need you to keep me reminded who I belong to."
