"I don't see why this is necessary, I'm really quite alright." I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to try to explain being raped to an overpaid twenty-nine year old man.
"Your grades are slipping, you never want to see your friends or even talk to your family. I'm here to help you. Now why don't you tell me the first thing you noticed about your attacker."
"He was strong. I couldn't see him at first. He took me by surprise and it scared me."
I could tell that Dr. Peterson wasn't going to accept my ambiguous answers. I would've said anything to end the session. I glanced at the clock; fifty-seven minutes to go. "Tell me the whole story. Lie back, relax. Breathe slowly and deeply. Tell me exactly what happened, in detail."
I sighed and tried to make myself comfortable on the couch. "It was after eleven. My parents had told me to go to bed, but I had decided to read. After all, I am 18 now. I had a cover pulled over me, just in case. I had opened the window because I like the smell of the grass after the rain. I live in a good neighborhood. I didn't think-"
"-Yes?"
"I just didn't think anything would happen!"
"It's alright. Continue."
"I never heard him come in. I must've been drifting off to sleep. The first thing I felt was his body over mine. I was sitting half-up, with my stomach on the mattress."
"Did it get you excited?" Dr. Peterson asked, very professionally.
"What?" I couldn't believe my ears.
"If it excited you, it would explain your guilt."
"It didn't excite me. I was just startled."
"Mmhmm," he wrote something down on his notepad.
"Really! No one believes me."
"Continue."
I tried to shrug it off. "Then he pushed my face into the mattress. I felt his knife against my back. He told me not to resist and not to make any noise. I was shaking and sweating. He shredded my clothes apart and stared at me for several minutes. Then, he told me to masturbate for him.
"I reached down and began rubbing myself. He held my thighs wide apart. Soon, I felt a cold object at my entrance. He was pushing it in rather slowly, as if to soothe me."
"And how did you feel then?"
"I hated it. I just wanted him to go away."
"I mean, how did you feel physically?"
"It felt good. I was turned on by it. Soon I accepted what was happening to me. I pretended it was just a fantasy."
"Did you climax?"
"Yes."
"Continue."
"I orgasmed quite hard. He patted me on my backside and said, 'Good girl.' I guess I had been moaning and making my pleasure obvious. Then he sat me up and told me to look at him. He was nice-looking. I wondered why he was doing this to me, he probably could've had whoever he wanted. Then I looked at his hand and I realized he had used the handle of my hairbrush on me."
"Did that horrify you?"
"No, it was over. What would it matter if it had been a gun, or a vibrator, or a hairbrush handle?"
"Continue."
"Then, I-, I'm sorry. This is hard."
"Shh. Breathe, breathe. Relax. Take it slow. Inhale... exhale."
"Well, then," I realized my hands were trembling. "then he told me to get into a cat postition, with my butt high in the air. I felt him pressing his fist against my pussy."
"Your pussy?"
"Sorry, vagina." Idiot. "The thumb on his other hand was pushing at my anus. I wasn't sure what he was going to do. But then, he was licking at me."
"Where?"
"My butt. He pushed his face between my cheeks and slid his tongue in me. That's when I was horrified. I stared down at the mattress, where moments before I had the strongest orgasm of my life. It was a nightmare. Then he said, 'You little virgin slut, Daddy's gonna make you bleed. My cock is so fucking hard for you.'I closed my eyes."
"Were you at all turned on by being dominated?"
"No."
"Honestly?" It was like he knew the answer, he just wanted me to say it.
"Yes, I was turned on." Suddenly I felt extremely vulnerable and insecure. I didn't want to tell this man anything else.
"Continue."
"You know what happened! He anally raped me! How can you sit there with so much composure while I relive the most torturous experience of my life?"
"It's my job. Continue."
"No! I refuse to go through all this for someone I don't even know."
He walked towards me slowly. He put his hand on my thigh and stroked it. "I think I know why you're so disturbed."